I've had my 'memory ring' on my left pointer finger for most of the last week.  It has reminded me of some heavy pondering and deep thoughts about life and myself and all that that entails.  I finally changed it back last night, but then I utilized it again for a thought that I had this morning that I want to record right not.  There is this phrase that we use to describe life: 'this life is a test'.  I have come to not like that phrase, or at least the way that we could define its meaning.  I believe that is totally wrong if we see our life's 'test' as a pass or fail kind of thing.  That idea is simply contrary to the gospel, yet we do sometimes allow it to creep in to our head.  I have come to see it as 'life is a testing'.  To me that means that it is a process of refining, of trial and error with learning and growing and becoming as the goal, not failing or being disqualified or eliminated.  God's love being the force behind and through this process would not allow that failing aspect to be a part of it.  Sure, we do fail, make mistakes (some serious mistakes), but we must come to know His purpose is to 'make' us, not 'break us'.  It does seem easy to adopt that 'pass or fail' idea, but any real study of the 'gospel of love' will dispel it as one of Satan's cleverest tools and most certainly not true.  That doesn't make 'life's testing' any easier.  It is not designed to be easy.  It is not designed to make us or break us.  But it is designed to get us back with Him as His children, tried and true.  He does most of the heavy lifting.  We do have to reach upwards and take His hand and cooperate in that process of being lifted up to what we were created to become.

Your task

to build a better world

God said.

I answered, how?

The world is such a large place

so complicated now,

and I so small and useless am,

there is nothing that I can do.

But God in all of His wisdom said,

Just build a better You.

I memorized that when I was but a youth.  It is still with me.  It rings true every time I repeat it.  And is actually more true now then ever before.  Just this morning I reviewed it and found much to ponder.  The thing that comes to me now though is what that 'better you' can really be.  Knowing the truth of that really makes the 'task', the journey, the process, the life meaningful, especially when taken in the context of gospel truths.  Other things matter certainly, but the central task works from the inside-out.  I am blessed to have another day to work on 'it'.  And I hope that with God's help I can 'change' and 'be changed' for the better a little bit every day.  I am just beginning to be able to see what the possibilities really are. 

EARTH

WIND

WATER

FIRE

Those are the words at the center of this new level of understanding that I am pursuing.  To me there are many, many different meanings and all center on gospel truths.  It fascinates me how they (the four words) are tools to take my mind to places of wonder and excitement.  That may sound silly to you, but try to see it from another point of view and consider how they can do what I claim that they do for me.  There is a lot of really strange and neat things going on in my mind and right now they center on those four word symbols that represent so much more to me.  As usual, any imput from 'you-all' will be appreciated.    Have a wonderful day!

I surely do have a lot of material to study.  There are years and years of recorded data and experiences galore available to be examined and compared and pulled apart.  But the subject is still a bit of a conundrum to me.  Maybe that is because 'it' keeps changing in lots of little ways and reacts differently from day to day.  It is hard to really get a hold of a moving target.  But I keep on trying to understand for it is actually a commandment of sorts.  After all, aren't we instructed to 'know thyself'?  I have learned a lot about me, but I still wonder about so much.  You'd think that with so much 'evidence' to examine it would be easier, but not so much.  The 'me' that I found this morning when I got up seems different then the 'me' that I remember even from yesterday morning.  And my past 'me' surely differs from the present 'me' in lots of subtle ways.  It seems that as soon as I have something figured out I go on to something else and then realize that even the figured out part has changed.  But I am getting used to it.  I have come to understand that that is a good thing.  Our life is a time for us to change and to grow and being different from yesterday is usually a good thing.  I understand that change is most often unnoticed as it is happening.  So when it is noticed you are already working on some new lesson.  Spending lots of time on the review seems to matter only as it pertains to whatever new lesson you are dealing with.  But I feel that there is still so much to learn and so little time to learn it.

I like words.  I like words because they represent ideas, thoughts, concepts, truths and values.  I especially like words that represent truths that are deep and vast and require lots of effort to really understand.  Many such words continue to come before me enticing me to additional thought which leads to deeper and richer meaning.  Some words represent things that require near a full life time to come to understand.  They do have significant meaning on many levels and can be 'mined' often and continually through our life and continue to yield treasure.  This morning I have been reminded of a few words which all start with the letter "C" and offer that richness in meaning that I have described.  I offer them to you for your own treasure hunt:  Christ, charity and consecration. And just for a little spice I refer to a scripture verse that plays into the game:  "repent ye therefore and be converted" which can be explained with 'change ye therefore and be changed' (more 'c' words) and also requires lots of pondering as well.  I would like it if you would take up the 'challenge' of those 3 (plus) 'C' words.  I will be most anxious to hear what experience you might have.

Monday morning again and I do have the time because  got up early when Sheila got up for work.  I don't feel like I have anything interesting to record, but here goes:  Friday I feel was just a finish to the work week and so Saturday and Sunday we had our weekend pretty much to ourselves.  As usual I had goals for Saturday and I ended up doing maybe one or two out of 4 or 5.  I was able to have Sheila trim my hair (and my eyebrows and ears!) and I took her our to dinner.  My new shoes and glasses are on hold.  Sunday was mission time and was fulfilling, but instructive too.  I now have a project to memorize 1 Corinthians 13 because I find its lessons so applicable to me right now.  I feel like I'm in a really hard part of my graduate course to understand.  Not necessarily hard to do, just hard to really make sense of and understand the why and what's ahead part of it.  If you know 1 Cor. 13 then you understand that I see understanding charity as part of my answer.  The whole chapter seems to be my answer (when I come to understand it).  So this morning is back to another kind of normal with its unique 'normal' challenges.  I'll hang around and see how I do with it.

The idea isn't totally clear to me yet, but I am going ahead with it in the hopes that as I write it will become more precise for me.  I have been considering the way that folks come up with new ways to define 'the way' and in so doing they often stray in their effort to reinvent the truth.  There is some merit to making 'it' ours, but never at the cost of redefining it.  The scriptures tell us the 'I am the way, the truth, and the life'.  That doesn't leave any room for us to reinvent or modify the truths that He has given us.  It seems to  me that every preacher or life teacher has a slogan meant to entice us and identify what he is advocating.  Most are wise enough to try to at least refer to established truths, but some invent a new twist or slant that is a clue that what they want is to insert their own 'truth' in place of 'the truth'.  One I have come across recently is 'Thinking is allowed'.  The implication is that 'Mormonism' does not allow thinking.  In truth, just because 'the way' has been established does not diminish the requirement to think our way to it as we come to embrace it.  I, for one, know that our Father in Heaven didn't hastily come up with it, thus leaving room for us to improve 'it'.  It was well 'thought out' from the beginning.  All that is left is for us to come to understand it, embrace it and allow it to take us home.  It is the only 'way'.  We don't need to reinvent it, just learn it, understand it and embrace it.  

What is an 'abundant life'?  What does it mean to have 'live more abundantly'?  I pose these questions near the very beginning of my pondering, before I begin my study and before I invest myself in studying this subject.  My interest was piqued this morning as I was in transformation from sleep to wakefulness and enjoying the most exquisite experience of oneness in body, spirit, wife and Deity, which brought that thought to my mind.  Surely 'it' will be a part of my answer as I increase my understanding of 'abundantly'.  I really did not want that moment to end, yet those kinds of experience do end, but in a 'let's do more' kind of inspiration.  Maybe this is all 'parable' for you, but it is very meaningful for me.  It seems a part of this great transformation going on with me.  It is all good, but brings a sense of responsibility like I have not known before.  So 'where much is given, much is required'.  It is a good place for me to be right now.

The weekend has now come and gone.  I got into the office earlier this morning and I read my paper and then got right to work.  It has been about 4 hours and I am at a stopping point for the time being.  I am still waiting for Richard, but I figured that he would be late as he and Phil got back from their service mission to North Dakota some time during the early morning hours.  I am also now waiting for Sheila to go by the post office and Cullimore's and hopefully bring me more work to do.  Our weekend was nice with BYU winning on Saturday and mission and family on Sunday.  It was Zach's 13th birthday yesterday and the ward's primary program.  Kaitlyn and Aaron as well as Sharon and Johnny had parts in the program.  I told Colton afterwards that if he just taught was that program taught (he leaves for his mission in about 2 weeks) he would do well.  I still am feeling quite overwhelmed.  I know that sometimes I don't act like it.  (Richard just called -10:58-- and is on his way here.)  I don't always remember the tasks that I list in my head and go along as if I had nothing to do, but if I take the time I can always find (another phone call)  something more productive to do if I can find the energy to do it.  Here it is the 2nd week into September and I am barely hanging on as life whizzes by.  It is kind of a neat adventure because so many things are going well despite normal 'neg's that accompany each day.  Our mission has really changed our lives, but it sure feels right for us right now.  We just feel so overwhelmed, but we are making progress, although very slowly.  I can only imagine what it will be like after time and experience when we feel like we can actually handle what it requires of us.  I am beginning to really know more about this 'frail existence'.

Have you ever noticed how complicated you are as a person.  You have feelings that you really don't understand as to where they come from or what they really mean.  It is as though there is another person somewhere inside of you and maybe even 2 or 3 places where there is something that is real and discernible, but hard to really identify.  I know that most of my real understanding does come from the scriptures or the gospel where we learn who we really are and the combination of spirit and body that makes up our total.  But starting there still leaves a lot to learn and it is really a lifetime's effort.  Understanding 'it' includes understanding opposites, progression, God's hand in our life, and our own desires which do eventually come out in the way we become and what we become.  It seems too simple to say, but what we really, really want is what we will really, really get.  And 'becoming' trumps 'knowing' in the end.   It begins to make a little more sense when we understand that our life here is actually Act 2.  And this 'veil' thing is really there and not really there at the same time.  The sense of it all comes a little bit more when we understand the 'test'; it's reality, it's purpose and the way that it works for us or against us.  It is all so wonderful. And the context of Act 1, 2 and 3, though equally hard to grasp, brings it all together.  The key for me right now is finding that spirit part of me and making sure that it is in charge.  I find that everything goes so much better when that is the case.

I guess this entry is mostly for me.  It will be my effort to crystallize my thinking on this idea that came to me this morning in the hopes that it gets into my head and works on me as I try to understand it.  It is the result of something that happened 'on our mission' last night.  There is this family in our ward...it turned out that the 3 sisters (including Sheila) came together to counsel this husband and wife.  They have every problem that you can imagine, but the most crucial problem is that she cannot control her spending and on a limited fixed income is chronically way behind.  This gets to her husband who abuses her (vocally and emotionally) so she complains and gets him thrown into jail.  Their health is a very real issue along with everything else that you can think of.  Anyway, my thought had to do with me, not them.  I was looking inside myself as deeply as I could and imagined that with enough money I could solved the problem.  That bothered me.  The 'you can buy anything with money' is not the answer.  I know something of the 'other' resources and I really do value them so much more.  But I have to make some more progress in that to make 'it' the thing of my imaginations.  This conundrum is very real to me, and even makes sense to me.  So here is another project for me to work on.  How, I don't know.  But I will changed and be changed.  I hope to come to see those 'other resources' as the only way to meet life. 

I feel surprising good this morning.  In a way it bothers me because I don't really understand everything about why.  There is so much about me, myself and I that baffles me; let alone, figuring out every body else.  I am trying to see things through sort of a unity or  oneness kind of paradigm.  That is to define a unity of me which is my eternal spirit and my mortal body (which will be eternal); a oneness with my 'help meet' and a union or communion with my Father in Heaven.  If I can get those 3 right then every else falls wonderfully in to place.  And everyday I find out just how much I don't know about those three relationships.  You'd think that after 24, 060 days with myself I would know 'me' better.  But examine that for yourself and see how you are doing.  Then take opportunity to teach me.  I'd really like to know your thoughts on those 3 combos.  

To the best of my calculations I have lived 24, 059 days.  So today is my 24, 060th day (including leap years).  I note that because I figure that we all have our own days, and each of our days ends up being different from the others.  We have some good days.  We have some bad days. Some are terrible and some end up being outstanding, quality, special days.  I know that 'circumstances' do help make a day, but I have finally figured out the things that work for me to shape my day into one on the positive side of things.  It follows that I also understand how I can live a day that ends up less then I want.  In fact, I suppose that most of what shapes my days does depend on me and not on those circumstances regardless of how good or bad they may be.  Now you will note that I say that I 'know' something of this thing, but I confess that I don't always 'do' as well as I 'know'.  Never the less, I know that I have to take responsibility myself for the results of any given day.  I am still working on that, but after 24, 059 attempts I have actually learned a thing or two.  So I see this '60th' day as another challenge in my long line of challenges and I hope to see it rise to its potential and be at least 'good' if not better.  If it doesn't I will take the blame and start my challenge all over again in the morning.  If it does; I will take the blame and start all over again in the morning.  Right now my hopes are high and I see potential.  I also have to take heart when I really and truly evaluate where I really stand.  That's called 'counting your blessings' and that is certainly a key ingredient in any new day's success, but something so often overlooked.  It makes it easier when one realizes how good a starting place we have.  So whatever your # is for today take charge and make of it what you will, but know it is pretty much your choices that matter.