I really need to get this entry in before the year ends.  It has been since the 22nd that my mind has been blank and my pages have been left unfilled.  It has been since then that I have been ill and although some days were worse then others I have never felt up to the task of writing.  I hoped from day to day that I would break out of  my mental muddle and feel like writing, but it only got worse.  I had a couple of times when I thought it would end, but it did not.  I was blessed on a number of occassions to be able to get out and function my way through some family functions and a few church events.  But this past Sunday both Sheila and I were afflicted enough that we did not go to church.  In fact, I spent virtually the whole day reading a new book, that I am going to return to as soon as I finish here.  I can do that okay, but even this entry right now seems difficult to do because of how poorly I feel.  I know it won't last through all of 2013, but with this two weeks plus now I even wonder about that. So I end 2012 looking forward to 2013 and hope that sooner or later I will return to my old self and just keep on keeping on for another year that I have high hopes for.

It is common knowledge in our community (LDS) that we are each a combination of our spirit and our physical body.  This mix makes for an interesting opportunity to be tested and to learn and grow in the mastery of this duality which also is our greatest blessing as it is a necessary step in our progression to grow into our 'measure' and become like our heavenly parents.  One of the struggles is simply which part of us is in charge.  We have been taught that our spirit is and should be the dominating force, but that is what the test is all about.  It takes years of leaning and doing to become that way.  This higher nature can be achieved, but is always struggling inside of us and is there throughout our life from infancy to my old age and beyond.  At the same time that we struggle for leadership withing ourselves we also are learning to deal with the other natural deficiencies of our mortal body.  When 'it' doesn't feel quite right it makes it more difficult for 'you' to feel quite right.  In other words, when you are sick it is harder to feel strong and bright spiritually.  That is my dilemma at this moment.  I thought that I was over it, but it has returned and given me an opportunity for study and review, and I am trying to find a way to still be large and in charge, but it is a bummer.

Wow!  I said that out loud when I read the result of Cortney's game last night.  That was my first thing when I got into the office.  I had slept in some because our alarm is turned off because Sheila is done with her work for the year (just that work, not work itself!)  The score was 39 to 37!  Way too close.  Now maybe it was an easy 2 point win or maybe it was a hard 2 point win; I won't know until I hear from the Porters.  But it certainly was more competitive than the one we went to on Tuesday.  As for my night, I fretted through the BYU game until finally they turned it around in a tsunami of defense in the 4th quarter.  Oh yes, Cortney's line was 5 2 4 2  (that's 5 points [1- 3], 2 rebounds, 4 assists and 2 steals)  Not bad for a close game like that.       When I did get up this morning I was actually excited about the work before me.  This end of year situation is really weird and my mindset is quite unsettled, but there is an anticipation about it all that is kind a fun.  But I know that I can't just let down and go completely holiday.  There is so much that I have to get down.  When appropriate I will 'party hardy', but I cannot waste the time that I need to devote to the work that needs to be done, and especially the pondering that right now seem to be the most important task of these last couple of weeks of 2012 (now that the world is still alive and moving forward!!!)

They say that eating something sweet for dessert is a habit where you train your body to finish the meal and it signals that you are finished eating.  It kind of wraps up that episode.  Well, starting my day with this entry starts my day (on something sweet) and lets me begin with a fresh attitude and renewed energy for the rest of the day.  I sometimes have an idea of what I want to write, and other times I just sit down and start typing.  I believe that you would agree that a daily effort (6 days of the week now) is a daunting task, and you would also agree that some entries are better then others.  I might boast that every once in a while I actually have one that is really good.  Anyway, I digress--Today is day 20 of this last month of this year, and if some have their way tomorrow will be the last day of life as we know it! (NOT!!)  I fully expect to gather with most of you this coming Saturday for another family gathering (Aaron's birthday partly).  Then on Sunday I teach the High Priests and the world cannot end before that!  Even though I do feel my age I also feel like I am just getting started.  There is so very much to look forward to and 2013 is starting to set up before me.  Don't know just what it will bring, but I am ready to face it and see.

I did manage to get some work done yesterday.  But I did see three basketball games.  My favorite was the 2nd game.  That is because I actually attended it and was with my favorite (BFF) bud and the senior citizen discount was 'free'.  We were also there with Russ to watch Cortney and her Bonneville Lakers.  Before I started this I looked up online and saw her 'line':  13 points  5 rebounds  3 assists and 4 steals (I had to go online because my paper was late again.)  For only playing 3/4 of the the game she did extremely well (sure she could have done better, but that is life's lesson too, not just basketball).  I was able to whisper in her ear as we left, my congratulations, and that she had made grandma very happy because she was able to see that she was not a jinx (Sheila did say that she still seems to be for Spencer--so we'll have to deal with that in a future time)  I know that there is this parent thing about living vicariously through you children.  I guess if you do it through your grandchild that there is nothing negative about it.  It is really a lot of fun.  But you have to take it both ways.  Cort's team in now 8 and 0, but our loyalty isn't for that anyway.  It is for her and her contest of life.  That is what we mostly share with her (and the rest of you-all) and we are there as much for the loses as for the wins.

I am feeling some very good things going on inside of me.  I notice because it is definitely different then 'normal'.  And I am meaning this in a good way, a very good way.  There is a touch of concern because it could interfere with me wanting to do any work, but then again, if I can figure a way to 'use' it, it just might motivate me to do that work.  I do closely associate my work with my family anyway, so this thing that I feel fits right in there.  In this stage of my life I have been able to distance myself from  many 'things of the world' and draw closer to 'things of eternity' while I am trying to really learn what it means to be 'in the world, but not of the world' and right now, today, seems the perfect context to continue my study.  I do hope that this feeling doesn't dissipate or wear itself out, but I know that it does do that.  Perhaps I can hold on to it long enough to understand it better.  And we will see just how it afects my today, this Tuesday, December 18th, 2012.  Perhaps it will end up being just another day (not likely with this start), or perhaps it will contribute to elevating good to something better.  (I'm anxious to see.)

After such a wonderful weekend I am feeling, well--wonderful.  I just read Cicily's comment that she posted yesterday morning and I see that at least her Saturday was that way for her, and I will assume the their Sunday was as well.  It has really been a busy 2 days, but really fun and 'spiritually fun' as well.  We stayed at Sherri's later (for me) and had what I felt was a wonderful discussion.  I did remember one thing thing that I wish that I had said then, so I figured to say it here.  We were talking about "Divine Signatures" (tender mercies or just anecdotal experiences) that come to each of us as direct blessings from Heavenly Father.  We talked about how we sometimes don't recognize them or we don't see the power in them.  I just wanted to say that I know that each of our children are 'Divine Signatures'.  And if that goes for grandma and me it goes for each of our 'd.s.'s' regarding their children as well.  My weekend has put me in a real good place and I really hope that today and the coming week will build on that and be as fulfilling to me as the last 2 days have been.  Same to you and more!