I must still be alive because I am typing this.  I actually feel quite wonderful, but I am also very, very tired.  When I got home about 11:00 from the audit I felt so good that there was no way I could sit down to work.  I had tried to get caught up the night before, not knowing how long it would last, but if I had felt like working I'm sure that I could have found something to do.  But I did not feel like working.  I felt so relieved, like that huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  I've thought a lot about the interview since and I have concluded that I must have come across okay, but that he needed to show something so we 'agreed' that we need to pay $500 because I can't deduct for taking Sheila out to dinner.  There were a couple of other things too, but all in all it wasn't anything like what I imagined it might have been.  I still believe what I told him; that taxes are a 'game' and most folks can never keep up with everything.  He seemed to agree with me and I think that he just wanted to get something and let me get on my way.  Then this evening when Richard finally got here he brought in so much new work that I am burdened.  I did apply myself to get the 'urgent' stuff done, but I am leaving the rest of it until tomorrow when I can start fresh and refreshed.  Tomorrow is the beginning of a new month and I feel it is a new start for me too.  I am a new man, ready and willing to begin a new path of sorts.  It just all feels different now.  The problems in my live haven't all gone away, but now that 'that' problem has gone away (or will as soon as we get the check in the mail with the appropriate paperwork) I am free to buckle down and just do what needs doing.  And even though I still see my life as a humongous task hanging over  me I feel relief that I got 'that one' out of the way.

I'd like to be able to say that it doesn't bother me at all.  But I can tell that I'm not quite normal right now.  I do feel pretty positive about it, but then it also has so much that is unknown that it is perfectly understandable that it bothers me.  I am talking about my visit in the morning to the IRS.  I am as prepared as I can be.  I've spent literally hours and hours preparing, and even more just pondering about it and trying to consider everything so I can be prepared.  I hope that I have all that I will need to make my case.  I have gone through their instructions and have gone even beyond what they asked for.  I have been trying to understand how I am feeling and I believe that I hit it on the head when I told myself that it feels that same as when I have gone to the dentist, or maybe some of those meetings when I was losing my Constable-ship.  I made it through those and I figure I will make it through this.  But it does sit there before me as a big road block- like I can't see past tomorrow morning.  It has the potential of changing a lot, but it might also be a 'whimper'.  (I'm hoping for a 'whimper', but it will be what it will be.  All I can do is prepare well and then 'go forward in faith'.  Come to think of it, I wish it was the dentist, but then not, because we can't afford that.  I hope that we will be able to afford this. 

I made a mistake.  BYU won that 5th set by a score of 15-10, not 15-13 like I wrote.  It was such a good match that I watched that 5th set over twice today.  It was almost as exciting the 2nd and 3rd time as it was the 1st time.  It was a nice diversion from my work which took up most of my day until Sheila got home after her 6 hour work shift.  She recently turned down an invitation to apply for a six hour shift for the rest of this year and next year.  She had turned down the offer and today reaffirmed that decision. She only did it because she was asked to substitute for just today. I know what she is talking about because I too suffer from old age and feel the effects of my efforts, especially when something extra-ordinary comes along.  Here it is a Friday again, and my 5 day work week has had its usual affect and I am quite tired and looking forward to a less stressful and less work-filled weekend.  I do enjoy my down time because it gives me an opportunity to ponder, even study, and I have several ideas that I want to spend time on.  This computer makes it so easy and productive.  All I need to do is type in 'narrow neck of land' and there are articles galore on my current subject of interest for me to study and think about.  After a discussion with our home teachers the other night I found information that shows a different conclusion then was given then.  I won't come out and tell him he was wrong--or maybe I will.  He can take it, and it will open up other stuff that we can discuss.  This is a whole new idea for me to try and explore.  I am putting some effort into where the history of The Book of Mormon actually took place.  I find it fun to ponder and discuss, especially since I don't have to take it too seriously because it doesn't matter where, just that it did take place.  That I know, the other falls under the 'nice to know' category.   I am also trying to get to know this guy that I have become.  T V appeals to me less and less.  Even my nap time is filled up with deep thought and I find so much that I want to learn.  If I was only this motivated back when I was actually in college....  It is so much fun for me to discover new ideas.  They come to me from almost everywhere and almost anytime.  My thirst for knowledge is insatiable.  I consider it all spiritual nourishment and it is as good as our visit to the Golden Coral was for us tonight.  Maybe it is a perk of our old age empty nester era of out lives.  Whatever, it brings me great satisfaction.  Add that to being able to enjoy the 'rejoicing' part that comes from being a grandparent and I am in a pretty special time of my life.

So, BYU men's volleyball team is in their conference tournament.  They are the number 1 seed, but nearly laid an egg last Saturday night against the number 8, Hawaii, but squeaked it our in 5: 15-13. Then tonight they play UCLA the number 4 seed.  BYU loses the 1st 2 sets and is down, but, miracle of miracles, they come back again and win 15-13 in the 5th set!  I had switched channels a few times figuring that it was over, but they showed enough to give me hope so I hung in there until the end, which hardly ever seemed a sure thing, but in the end the whole place (they were playing at home) was rocking and they all went crazy when the last pint was scored.  Now that it is over I am starting to feel spent.  But you know, maybe it shows that I am not as old as I think.  Sure, physically I am, but when I can sit at home and watch it is a good thing.  I was going to write 'just watch', but I wasn't just watching.  I was in to it (except for the times when I gave up and changed the channel).  I have come a long way in dealing with my disappointment when 'they' lose, but I also do enjoy it when 'they' win.  It adds something, but I still need to temper it against those things which really matter.  I think that I do that pretty well now, after all these years, and virtually thousands of games, won and lost.

 

Before the match my day was very full.  Haven't had this much work in a long time.  It is a good thing too, but as with the games, I value other things more then my work.  I feel very blessed there too.  But there is the rub.  There are so many wonderful going on that it makes me focus on what I can and ought to be doing (not to 'earn' them, but just because of who I ought to be) and I don't see me 'there' yet.  But I am working on it, and I really believe that I am so  much closer then I have been.  There is satisfaction there along with all the dissatisfaction.  And I am feeling positive about the journey and really enjoying the opportunity that mortality is for me.

Sheila had an afternoon out with the girls.  She and Kathy, Shelli and Sharon had lunch at The Cheesecake Factory.  As expected, it lasted 2-3 hours, but I am not complaining.  I was glad that she could enjoy that time.  Besides, she did bring me back the left-overs from her lunch that I had for dinner.  And yes, it was very tasty.  I told her that she would have a hard time deciding what to order, but she didn't talk about that when she got home.  She just sat down and took time to tell me lots of stuff that the 'girls' had to say during their lunch.  I stayed here and tried to be productive.  I had all sorts of good ideas during my night time sleep/think time, but in the reality of the day things didn't go quite as well as when I thought them up.  But that is the reality of life. Reality is real which stands for real difficult to make happen in real life.  But I really do feel like I made progress today. Can't really quantify it, just feel like it did happen.  And like yesterday or any other day of consequence I spent my energy and am now in need of refueling.  I like my 'sleep/think time' and I like my 'real' time too.  I guess that I am pretty comfortable with things the way that they are, but I also have lots that I would like to be better at and sometimes I allow that to bother me.  But when I catch my self my 'chose button' needs to be worked and I 'chose' the positive side of the 'opposition in all things'.  I like it better when I can do that.  Can't control every thing, but I am learning that there is more that I can control then I thought.  And if I don't control 'it' and I leave it to others, well, that is never a good thing.  It is my job, and I simply have to do it.

As I begin this entry I find that I am out of gas.  (I'm tired!)  But I have to admit that I used my 'gas' pretty well.  I did get a lot of stuff done.  So I deserve to be tired and I ought to be satisfied too.  But I don't dwell much on what I was able to; I think about what still remains to be done.  My thought that came to me this morning was another thing that I count as an accomplishment for the day.  It was simply stated this way:  'it requires constant labor all his precepts to obey' and 'men are that they might have joy is certainly a 'precept' so there is some labor required to 'have joy''.  Later on things will flow to us 'without compulsory means' (D & C 121) but for now 'joy' needs to be compelled.  I didn't realize that before so I am trying to work on doing some 'compelling' so that I can 'have joy'.  My day has done me right, but as I wrote: I think about what remains or was not accomplished more then what I did or the good that has happened during the day.  But I will take it, call it good and get ready to move on to the next one.  And because I am so tired right now it is a good thing that I have several hours to rest my weary bones and find energy enough to do it all again when I arise. 

I wrote this morning, but that was for the weekend.  So I guess that I need to write tonight to meet my goal.  I know that a whole new day has come and gone.  But I can't seem to think of anything that has happened that seems worthy of recording.  I did try to be productive, but I feel like today didn't feature anything that has jumped out at me.  I need to think harder.  Let's see--I got up about 6:30 and I read my scriptures.  I did my 64 push ups while the water got hot and then I took a shower.  That was actually something that I normally haven't done on a Monday.  Then I got into the office and I wrote right away figuring I needed to write before my followers got up and going and would find it there once they did.  I really don't know if that was the case.  But it did motivate me to write first think instead of putting it off.  I  have had work to keep me busy.  I also have those 2 big tasks hanging over my head that I put some time in on.  There is my tax audit next week which I only thought about for a while.  And my liability insurance bond that I need before I renew my P I license.  If I allow myself I could get depressed over those, but I try not to.  I have my moments, but sometimes I am able to not be negative about it.  Here I am still dealing with stuff that shouldn't be happening.  Or maybe I just wish it wouldn't and there really isn't any immunity to worry and challenges.  But I do know that my complaints aren't much in this world.  I just need to keep myself convinced of that.  I did go buy some ink for my new printer.  And with a 20 % coupon and my rewards it didn't cost me anything.  Then I actually got out of the house a 2nd time and drove Sheila on the rounds.  Then tonight we had home teachers visit.  (I know it is a Monday.) We kept it short (2 hours!).  And now Sheila has gone off to give Robert a ride home.  I feel like there is something more that I should do today, but I am going to end my day and go to bed.  I figure that the world won't end by tomorrow so I will try again and see what I can do with a Tuesday.  I have some big plans, but I'll settle for whatever comes.  It won't be as good as I want, but it can't be as bad as I fear.  I think that it will be an okay day.