I really need to get this entry in before the year ends.  It has been since the 22nd that my mind has been blank and my pages have been left unfilled.  It has been since then that I have been ill and although some days were worse then others I have never felt up to the task of writing.  I hoped from day to day that I would break out of  my mental muddle and feel like writing, but it only got worse.  I had a couple of times when I thought it would end, but it did not.  I was blessed on a number of occassions to be able to get out and function my way through some family functions and a few church events.  But this past Sunday both Sheila and I were afflicted enough that we did not go to church.  In fact, I spent virtually the whole day reading a new book, that I am going to return to as soon as I finish here.  I can do that okay, but even this entry right now seems difficult to do because of how poorly I feel.  I know it won't last through all of 2013, but with this two weeks plus now I even wonder about that. So I end 2012 looking forward to 2013 and hope that sooner or later I will return to my old self and just keep on keeping on for another year that I have high hopes for.

It is common knowledge in our community (LDS) that we are each a combination of our spirit and our physical body.  This mix makes for an interesting opportunity to be tested and to learn and grow in the mastery of this duality which also is our greatest blessing as it is a necessary step in our progression to grow into our 'measure' and become like our heavenly parents.  One of the struggles is simply which part of us is in charge.  We have been taught that our spirit is and should be the dominating force, but that is what the test is all about.  It takes years of leaning and doing to become that way.  This higher nature can be achieved, but is always struggling inside of us and is there throughout our life from infancy to my old age and beyond.  At the same time that we struggle for leadership withing ourselves we also are learning to deal with the other natural deficiencies of our mortal body.  When 'it' doesn't feel quite right it makes it more difficult for 'you' to feel quite right.  In other words, when you are sick it is harder to feel strong and bright spiritually.  That is my dilemma at this moment.  I thought that I was over it, but it has returned and given me an opportunity for study and review, and I am trying to find a way to still be large and in charge, but it is a bummer.

Wow!  I said that out loud when I read the result of Cortney's game last night.  That was my first thing when I got into the office.  I had slept in some because our alarm is turned off because Sheila is done with her work for the year (just that work, not work itself!)  The score was 39 to 37!  Way too close.  Now maybe it was an easy 2 point win or maybe it was a hard 2 point win; I won't know until I hear from the Porters.  But it certainly was more competitive than the one we went to on Tuesday.  As for my night, I fretted through the BYU game until finally they turned it around in a tsunami of defense in the 4th quarter.  Oh yes, Cortney's line was 5 2 4 2  (that's 5 points [1- 3], 2 rebounds, 4 assists and 2 steals)  Not bad for a close game like that.       When I did get up this morning I was actually excited about the work before me.  This end of year situation is really weird and my mindset is quite unsettled, but there is an anticipation about it all that is kind a fun.  But I know that I can't just let down and go completely holiday.  There is so much that I have to get down.  When appropriate I will 'party hardy', but I cannot waste the time that I need to devote to the work that needs to be done, and especially the pondering that right now seem to be the most important task of these last couple of weeks of 2012 (now that the world is still alive and moving forward!!!)

They say that eating something sweet for dessert is a habit where you train your body to finish the meal and it signals that you are finished eating.  It kind of wraps up that episode.  Well, starting my day with this entry starts my day (on something sweet) and lets me begin with a fresh attitude and renewed energy for the rest of the day.  I sometimes have an idea of what I want to write, and other times I just sit down and start typing.  I believe that you would agree that a daily effort (6 days of the week now) is a daunting task, and you would also agree that some entries are better then others.  I might boast that every once in a while I actually have one that is really good.  Anyway, I digress--Today is day 20 of this last month of this year, and if some have their way tomorrow will be the last day of life as we know it! (NOT!!)  I fully expect to gather with most of you this coming Saturday for another family gathering (Aaron's birthday partly).  Then on Sunday I teach the High Priests and the world cannot end before that!  Even though I do feel my age I also feel like I am just getting started.  There is so very much to look forward to and 2013 is starting to set up before me.  Don't know just what it will bring, but I am ready to face it and see.

I did manage to get some work done yesterday.  But I did see three basketball games.  My favorite was the 2nd game.  That is because I actually attended it and was with my favorite (BFF) bud and the senior citizen discount was 'free'.  We were also there with Russ to watch Cortney and her Bonneville Lakers.  Before I started this I looked up online and saw her 'line':  13 points  5 rebounds  3 assists and 4 steals (I had to go online because my paper was late again.)  For only playing 3/4 of the the game she did extremely well (sure she could have done better, but that is life's lesson too, not just basketball).  I was able to whisper in her ear as we left, my congratulations, and that she had made grandma very happy because she was able to see that she was not a jinx (Sheila did say that she still seems to be for Spencer--so we'll have to deal with that in a future time)  I know that there is this parent thing about living vicariously through you children.  I guess if you do it through your grandchild that there is nothing negative about it.  It is really a lot of fun.  But you have to take it both ways.  Cort's team in now 8 and 0, but our loyalty isn't for that anyway.  It is for her and her contest of life.  That is what we mostly share with her (and the rest of you-all) and we are there as much for the loses as for the wins.

I am feeling some very good things going on inside of me.  I notice because it is definitely different then 'normal'.  And I am meaning this in a good way, a very good way.  There is a touch of concern because it could interfere with me wanting to do any work, but then again, if I can figure a way to 'use' it, it just might motivate me to do that work.  I do closely associate my work with my family anyway, so this thing that I feel fits right in there.  In this stage of my life I have been able to distance myself from  many 'things of the world' and draw closer to 'things of eternity' while I am trying to really learn what it means to be 'in the world, but not of the world' and right now, today, seems the perfect context to continue my study.  I do hope that this feeling doesn't dissipate or wear itself out, but I know that it does do that.  Perhaps I can hold on to it long enough to understand it better.  And we will see just how it afects my today, this Tuesday, December 18th, 2012.  Perhaps it will end up being just another day (not likely with this start), or perhaps it will contribute to elevating good to something better.  (I'm anxious to see.)

After such a wonderful weekend I am feeling, well--wonderful.  I just read Cicily's comment that she posted yesterday morning and I see that at least her Saturday was that way for her, and I will assume the their Sunday was as well.  It has really been a busy 2 days, but really fun and 'spiritually fun' as well.  We stayed at Sherri's later (for me) and had what I felt was a wonderful discussion.  I did remember one thing thing that I wish that I had said then, so I figured to say it here.  We were talking about "Divine Signatures" (tender mercies or just anecdotal experiences) that come to each of us as direct blessings from Heavenly Father.  We talked about how we sometimes don't recognize them or we don't see the power in them.  I just wanted to say that I know that each of our children are 'Divine Signatures'.  And if that goes for grandma and me it goes for each of our 'd.s.'s' regarding their children as well.  My weekend has put me in a real good place and I really hope that today and the coming week will build on that and be as fulfilling to me as the last 2 days have been.  Same to you and more!

I almost forgot to do this.  I got here about an hour ago but wanted to read the paper first, but when I went out to get it there was so much snow that I couldn't see it and I also decided that it probably wasn't here yet.  That same snow storm which dropped a ton probably delayed the paper too.  I puttered a bit and then went up and Sheila and I have been talking for a while.  She decided to go shovel and I remembered and came back down here to do this.  I have so much going on inside my head that I real feel tired already and the day has barely begun.  That school shooting yesterday was a tragedy, but quite far away from me.  Last night we went and saw Linzi's group sing and then went to dinner.  My own studies have been weighing quite heavily on my mind as well.   Today will be filled with family as we do have plans for our family temple outing (and luncheon) and I hope that the snow doesn't affect it, but I won't be surprised at anything.  (except Sheila finding my paper when she is shoveling)  There really is something going on inside of me right now that I do like, but it is very taxing and confusing. Maybe our time at the temple will help.  After all, I can't think of a better school room for that particular subject matter.

I actually walked into my office before 7 am this morning!  I had forced myself out of bed and read my chapter, gotten a wonderful inspiration of a lesson, read a few pages in a book that Sheila bought as a Christmas present for someone and did my 60 push ups with relish and thanksgiving, got dressed, had my personal prayer, all by 7.  If I can only finish this Friday with 1/2 as much vigor as I feel now I will be pleased.  I started reading that book yesterday.  It has been a wonderful experience.  Got me really thinking in a good way, and feeling communion and inspiration since.  I guess I do allow myself to settle much of the time.  I just get distracted and do what comes easiest instead of being a little bit more diligent, making a little bit more effort, and trying a little bit harder.  Sometimes I even wander onto the wrong side of the line for a bit and then realizing where I am I hurry back scolding myself for my folly.  I guess that the word is 'complacency'.  My new theme now is 'anti-complacency'.  Yes, I'll begin today and try to be 'anti-complacent'!

Greet-nicks to my family.  I love all of you, and I love each of you.  I think of each and all of you often throughout my day and I am always feeling the frustration of time and space that keeps us inside our own life.  I do cherish the times when those are overridden and we are together.  At the moment I just want you to know that 'you' are always with me and I hope that in the same way that I am with you.  I often talk with Sheila about our love and how it is expressed.  I have said to her and even to my priesthood brethren when I have taught them that I use the 'squeegy' test.  Sheila way back asked that I squeegy our shower afterwards.  I struck a deal that I not have to 'work' on Sunday, but the other days I squeegy in honor of her.  Seems silly, but not so.  To me it is real, and although not discussed much it is what it is.  I wonder shat the 'test' is that would let you know that I love you.  With that 'time and space' thing it is often just living what we know to be true.  I know that I need to say it more and make the living it part even more real, but it it real and I do love you.  I hope that you feel that you can share all of this with me each day and often.  YOU are  my reason.

A new thought struck me this morning.  I was thinking that as I got up and going that I really felt good- even happy.  I realized that it was because I let myself feel that way.  It wasn't because I deserved to feel that way.  I hadn't earned it.  It was a gift to me, another part of the atonement that I hadn't recognized that way before.  Yesterday, Sheila and I were out and about and I was driving her on our errands and talking about stuff.  We see some who seem to not allow themselves to be happy.  It is as though they feel a need to be punished or that they are not worthy to be happy.  My realization is that it comes to us as a part of atonement.  I have understood many of the other good aspects of the atonement (forgiveness, comfort, even inspiration and confidence) but I hadn't thought that happiness is also attached in a very real way.  Sure we are held to a higher standard because of the gospel (where much is given, much is required) but to be happy has to be included (men are that they might have joy) in His gifts and it seems reasonable to me that being 'at-one-with' would include happiness.  So see the complete package and accept the fact that deserve it or not if you receive the gift of the atonement you can receive all of the gift.  Accept happy!

I'm back.  Did you notice?  I have been missing Sundays for awhile, but I missed yesterday, only 1 day, but I wonder if anyone even noticed.  I was 'sick' in a way for a day and my reserve just wasn't there.  I had nothing inside to bring out and share.  All of my thoughts were for me and I needed some time to recoup and heal, but now I am back.  I feel really good and I do have at least one thought that I want to share with you. I'm sure that you all understand how it feels to fall short, or just plain mess up.  You realize how many people that matter to you that you have let down, and you start to wonder how Heavenly Father can keep on forgiving you.  You wonder if your 'credit' has been used up, how long can he keep helping you bounce back, and is He getting tired of what you keep asking of Him?  Have you worn out your heavenly welcome?  Well, the answers are:  forever, always and He still loves you, and He is ALWAYS there for you and  me.  If you could find fault with Him it would be that He can't count.  He doesn't remember all the times before; He lives in the now and in your future.   We certainly get tired of requiring him to forgive us. but He never tires of doing the forgiving.  Take that to the temple!

Got so much on my mind right now.  Still enjoying the time that my wife and I spent together yesterday.  I took time from work in the afternoon and we went to a movie.  We saw the "life of Pi";  a weird ending, but still have ideas about it come in to my head.  We went out to dinner, still have thoughts of taste come in to my head.  She tells me that I gave her my cold, but I still have a touch now and then so maybe she has her own (or just most of mine).  This morning we had an interesting conversation about the new church web site 'Mormonsandgays.org" and the conundrum that subject causes.  It is a very, very broad subject.  Then when I brought in the paper I looked at the picture on the front page of the church news, an interesting point if you notice it.  I did check the other blogs and Facebook.  I was pleased to see that Shelli and Cicily had finally gotten a post after near or more then a month.  Both Sheila and I wondered about Cicily's bad  month of November.  I hope we have an opportunity to discuss it with her.  Maybe we can help, after all we are so old and so wise!  And as for my Saturday,  I really have lots of work to do.  And it is supposed to snow so the outside errands better get done soon.  This will be a test of planning and execution for me for sure.

I don't like hockey.  That's okay.  There is a lot that I like and a lot that I don't like.  And I do like those that like hockey (Porter family mostly and Richard), but I don't like hockey.  The reason I bring it up is that my thought is about hockey.  It came to  me last night as I reviewed my day and helped me complete an idea that needed completion.  I remembered some vague idea about an 'assist' in hockey that I adapted to me.  And this morning to assure accuracy I checked it out and found that my memory is correct.  Contrary to basketball where one assist can be awarded on a score, in hockey two assists can be awarded on a goal.  One is a primary assist and the other is a secondary assist, both players being recognized for their part in a goal scored.  I relate that to my life.  I now see me in a new perspective thanks to hockey.  I have often felt that I just don't get many 'primary assists', but 'secondary assists' seem a good description of my days. Take yesterday for an example.  I give my wife Sheila a 'primary assist' in her service to the Rosbach family (Shelli and Phil will have to be the ones to tell you about that) and I just stayed home all by myself.  But if I didn't do what I do she couldn't have done what she did.  So I give myself a 'secondary assist'.  And that is not a bad thing.  In fact, even if everything I do is 'secondary' that's okay.  (I figure there's got to be a 'primary' one in there somewhere, sometime, but if not; I am still part of the team!)

Ever since I can remember I have wanted to know everything that goes on around me.  Over the years I have learned that that is not possible, nor is it right.  Sure, to have a general idea of specific things and a specific idea of general things, that is possible and good.  But some things are not meant for me (us) and other things just don't matter.  But I am still curious to know as much of what I should know and a little of what I shouldn't know.  I find our new technology age quite fascinating, what with Facebook and the rest of the internet.  Just yesterday Sheila and I were talking about the fact that Linzi and her Madrigal group had been on tv.  We wanted to see it so on to the computer and in just a few minutes we were able to see the recorded episode.  Sheila also wanted to find a Youtube thing about a flash mob that she had heard discussed at her work.  1-2-3 and she found it and we watched it too.  I had a question about a ball game and the internet answered it for me.  Just now I peeked at the sports page to find:  Bonneville 53, Weber 30 and "Cortney Porter chipped in 16 points with seven rebounds and six assists".  (another great line of stats) from last night's game.  Sherri had told me that that game was to be a 'good test'  (really!?)  I would have liked to have seen it too.  Life does offer so much, but it also teaches balance and compromise.  You can only do what you can do.

The thought struck me this morning that I spend a lot of my time alone.  I thought for a while about that and whether I feel alone.  If feeling 'alone' is a bad feeling then I don't feel loneliness.  It's not just that I am used to it, but it is something that I accept and perhaps it is something that I prefer.  And, it is not that I don't like people.  During any given week I am out and mingling, mostly on
Sunday, but it does happen and I am perfectly okay with that.  But the fact that my 'chosen' work isolates me a lot, well, I'm okay with that too.  I have tried to look hard at myself on this 'alone' thing and I just don't feel 'alone'.  There is this connection that I feel deep inside and although I really can't articulate it well the word 'connection' describes it because that's what it is.  I feel connected to people, to family (especially to Sheila) and to something spiritual and beyond myself.  Somehow, I also feel connected to myself (if that makes any sense) and 'complete' when I am properly engaged in my allotted work.  If I take a moment to miss Sheila, I do feel her absence and I often go upstairs to sit and watch for her to return at the appointed time.  But how can one so blessed be lonely?

I realize that I have been blessed this past week to be able to pretty much live normally while I have been sick.  I did my work and even felt okay to get out and about on a few occasions.  The only day that I really crashed was Sunday when I stayed in bed instead of going to church and I was able to recharge enough to be there for our FHE.  I felt so good that I thought it was done, but realized by Monday that my cold was still hanging on.  Now, Tuesday a. m. , it is still here, but I don't see it interfering too much with my routine.  I was up before 7 and I showered and dressed and now I am ready to work in my office for what ever lies ahead.  I wanted to look up on the net to see if I could find a recent chart about the number of LDS stakes but I couldn't find anything currant.  Yesterday in the paper I read of # 3,000 over the weekend.  I am amazed at that.  Do you understand what is going on?  All of the numbers are showing an amazing thing taking place.  My little life pales to all of that, but it is all that I have.  I continue to try and understand how the two fit together.  It is my biggest conundrum. I invite any ideas you may have. 

Sheila said that she counted 36 twice, but they kept moving so she wasn't positive.  Lets see 2 + 5+ 11+ 2+ 6+ 5+ 6 =37!  (give or take a few)  It made for a full house, and noisy, yes!  But fun, for sure.  I would sit and just enjoy watching them interact.  They get along so well and I can only wonder about how different their lives are and will be with so much family to share them with. It makes for a logistic nightmare, but worth the effort.  December will be full of similar events:  the 2nd (last night)  the 15th, the 16th the 22nd and 24- 25- 26th)  By the time Shelli's birthday comes on the 31st I will be perfectly willing to let her celebrate on her own and go to bed early on New Year's Eve.  (imagine 2013!!)  So do I have stuff to worry about, sure, but these important things that matter most, after the work and the clean up they are all keepers and continue to give and give and give.  What is it that they say:  'Isn't it all about family!'

I know that my 'followers'  don't anxiously rush to their computer each day to read what I have written.  I really can't expect that of them as I do understand life and the way that it works.  But I keep on doing this in hopes that it can be a good thing, eventually.  Right now I have years and years of journals laying about in dire need of being organized after our flood of just over one year ago.  I have deep and strange feelings for them as they do record a part of our lives that is so dear yet mostly forgotten as we trudge along through each new day as it comes and goes.  Imagine, this morning is the 1st day of December, 2012.  (For me it was my 1st time of 60, which has been five years in the making!)  In my efforts to 'make a living' I do take time to try to 'make a life' which entails remembering and pondering on what really matters to me/us, and, of course, that is YOU (meaning each of our 8 and now 30 that make up our family)  (I guess my fondest wish for Christmas would be that I have 30 'followers' rather then 6, and know that maybe, just maybe, they would read me every once in a while to make not only my journal worthwhile, but to validate me which is what I try to turn into the written word in my journal.)