I really do not understand why I have failed to do this since Tuesday the 12th.  (That's almost 2 full weeks.)  I meant to write almost everyday, but I didn't.  I disappointed myself and apparently others did actually notice.  I did repent once, but still did not write.  Tonight I decided to just do it.  But I admit that for some reason I still found it hard to actually sit myself down and start.  I offer no excuse and deserve no forgiveness.  But I hope that I will honor my commitment and get back into the habit, for apparently someone does notice.  (maybe 2 someones)  Today has been a contrast to yesterday.  We had lots of family here yesterday and enjoyed the time that we spent together.  Today it was pretty much just the 2 of us except for the block time at church.  There is so much that I missed, but I don't feel like trying to catch up.  I just want to start this new month off right (April starts tomorrow) and I want not to be an April fool and just continue as I was way back on the 12th.  I really feel like I am going through a lot of schooling in my own personal journey, but I find it hard to put it into words, or figure that anyone would care to know the mental machinations of an old man.  But for me it is actually quite exciting to realize that I am still so active in the business of living and learning.  It seems that the thing about becoming 'wise' is that you mostly learn how to keep quiet because no one else cares about the lessons that you are learning.  That is really an interesting part of this growing older and wiser gig.  There is very little opportunity to share the stuff that comes in such wonderful flashes of inspiration, but seem to be destined to benefit only you.  I haven't figured out how to deal with that part of it yet.  So much to give, and so little opportunity to give it.  Tonight we watched a movie on tv about these 7 old people who end up in a pretty run down hotel in India.  The story has them each dealing with their 'oldness' in their own way.  It was easy for us to relate to parts of it, yet some of it was so far away from our reality.  The biggest difference is the gospel.  That not only is most of our reality, but it is our 'everything'.  I can't divide it from family and life and all things important, because it is family and life and all things important to me.  And because of that I will try to be true and keep up on my writing and hope to come to see that is matters.

So. today is the 12th day of March.  When did that happen?  The month just started! And now its almost 1/2 over!  Sheila asked me the other day about the speed of time.  My standard answer from years of experience is that the days seem to go by at a normal rate, if not a little slower, but the weeks and months have picked up speed and seem to go by so much faster then they used to.  That isn't really a logical answer, and also not really true.  But that is the way that it 'feels' to me.  It puts a different kind of pressure on me, and I have developed a sense of urgency that I am not quite comfortable with yet.  I get along okay with pressure, but sometimes it can feel a bit unpleasant.  I relate it in my head to my school days when I had homework or preparation for a test hanging over me.  That still happens to me or at least that feeling still happens.  And as ominous as it felt in my 'student' years it feels so much more-so now in my 'serious student of life' years.  I'm not sure that I learned the skill as well as I could have.  Hence, my need to work on it more now.  'Routine' helps.  Developing personal habits that become a part of each day's agenda, especially good habits like study, pray, work and push ups, make my days much more effective and complete.  That 'constant labor' that is required (from the hymn 'Truth reflects upon our Senses') is so true.  And 'constant' can be such a burden.  It becomes exhausting!  But you can get used to it, and your 'ability to do' can increase. So if you can put it all together it works fine.  I am still trying to do it well.  It is an interesting and quite satisfying experience, but that 'constant' part takes some getting used to.  There is so much more that I need to learn.  The further I move forward the 'behinder' I get.  That word 'overwhelming' pops into my head again.  But I accept that as being the way that it is.  For what I have chosen 'it' comes with the territory, and I deal with in one push up at a time.

This computer of mind can sometimes be so frustrating.  All it takes is a quick miss-hit with my old and clumsy fingers and what I have written  is gone, or I'm in a new format that I struggle to get out of.  It seems that it has such a mind of its own, and I am seeing my life living itself out without me being involved.  In reality, I feel  that way other times and in other ways too.  I know that 'agency is real, but sometimes circumstances have the power and we just observe, or at least, that is the way that it seems to be.  Maybe that is what is meant by 'the best laid plans of mice and men'.  I guess that I am not the only one who encounters that.  So I need to just deal with it, do what I can do, and hope for the best.  After-all, where I am right now in my life is really a pretty good place.   Sure, I miss the energy of my youth, and the chaos of our earlier raising kids family time, but being a little slower and a little older does have its advantages.  Might I boldly suggest that we are both a little wiser, too?  On Saturday we went to one of Spencer's basketball games.  His team got whooped by a much bigger team.  After the game we said bye to him and I noticed that he was quite upset.  I had watched the game through my detached grandfather prospective so I was a bit surprised by his reaction.  I guess I shouldn't have been.  He is a competative young man.  But I did say to him that he needed to develop patience, after all, he is only 12!  But that is what being 12 is for.  With the experiences that he is having now he will get there much quicker then I did.  Seems like there is so much more expected of the youngsters these days.  I just hope that I can be effective in the part that I can play.  Oh, and at the same time mind to my own business, because I am certainly not 'there' yet myself.

My mind was pretty much a blank until I found that yesterday's entry had elicited a comment.   Now I have much that I want to record as a response.  (Thank you, Shelli.)  During my lifetime I have often thought that one of the perks of heaven will be an opportunity to somehow 'see' the entire history of our family in some magical, visionary way.  To see each family member from our past, our present and our future has always seemed like a wonderful blessing.  And as technology has brought such innovation into our lives that idea has gotten more and more realistic.  I see that great visions have been recorded in the scriptures in that way.  Most do mention the recognition of 'people' in the panorama of vision given to the prophets.  So to think that we will be able to have that opportunity too for our particular family  is more of a realistic hope then a fantasy dream.  Secondly, I interpret Shelli's comment in a more basic and timely way.  My present project is designed to do that very thing for you-all to have access to our own family 'scriptures' and be able to 'see' our history.  I have started to organize my journals.  I envision a kind of a study area with our old furniture and eventually a bookshelf set up in my 'office', with all of the journals and family  newsletters and records to help one get lost in a sort of a 'vision' of study and recollection of life as we know it from February 6, 1969.   I know reliving and reviewing time, takes time, but if it is there 'they will come'.  That is an invitation which will motivate me to get it finished and available, but at least right now it is accessible.   There is a lot of information there, and it is the history of 'you' that I hope you will find time to appreciate and learn from.  And I hope that the blogs and the journals and the pictures will keep on recording all of us through our present and our future.  It really is an amazing story!

I vaguely remember a poem that I wrote way back just after Sherri was born.  It was  in the spirit of celebration for the birth of our first child and how wonderful it made us feel.  I had really gotten quite impatient waiting, but as time went on I came to realize that it really wasn't that long of a wait before Sheila did get pregnant and Sherri was born.  The poem was written to Sherri, but it was also for me.  The part that I remember clearly was that I felt that she would live a wonderful life full of accomplishment and opportunity.  Sure, she, like the rest of us, would be challenged, but even back then we knew the truth of our purpose and everything was said and done in that context.  I also wrote that I wasn't going to be still in my own journey.  She represented a great step for us, but it was only the begining for us too.  I still think about my life that way.  And my goals are still  much the same, even though, my circumstances are very different.   As I wrote yesterday, I am still finding real challenge everyday of my life.  It is a contest pretty much with myself that has been going on now for 66 1/2 years and I am really quite engaged in it.  I have my wins and my loses, but mostly I am invigorated by it.  Every day I discover new things that I have learned and new things that I have yet to learn.  I don't know how long my journey will be, but I cherish each new day as it comes. in which I continue this challenging journey that we share.  I am having the time of my life and the best part is that we have been blessed to be able to share it, at least in part, with one another.  I pray for each of you in your individual journey, and for me and mine as we all continue on our road back home.

Funny how things are affected by other things.  Here I am at 20 to 7 already up and dressed because of Sharon. She invited her mother to go with her to this legislature wives thing about the books being donated to a west side school, so Sheila went into work early.  The alarm was set for 5 and although I could have stay in bed I did get up and going early.  I have been thinking about what I wanted to write and my first item is the paper yesterday.  On page D6 (sports section) I found 2 grand children listed: one under wrestling academic all-state (Colton Anderson) and another in the top 25 girls basketball 3-point shooters (Cortey Porter @ # 19).  I relished that for the rest of the day, which turned out to be a bit unusual.  My work was pretty normal, but Sheila was once again gone doing nice for family and I was pretty much left to myself.  So I finally got to one of my 'lesser' tasks that I've had on my mind for actually months (maybe even years!).  I started to organize my journals.  I found that once I got into the actually task it was much bigger then I had supposed.  I made one small step, but it will take a lot more work and if my past effort is any indication, it won't be finished for a long time coming.  Sheila's service pushed other stuff until past dinner time, so off we went together around 7:30 to get gas, drop off work at Sharon's and then I surprised her by taking her to a late dinner at Cafe Rio!  Afterwards I asked her if I am still capable of surprising her.  She said: "all the time".  That made me smile.  With that luncheon thing at the capitol today looks to be as disjointed as yesterday, and I really don't know what all to expect.  I am feeling such pressure to 'perform' and I need to get used to it.  It's not a bad thing, but goes contrary to worldly ideas about empty nesters and old people and slowing down and golden years and retirement.  All of that is pretty much bunk.  I just feel overwhelming pressure to do, act, perform, accomplish and fulfill.  So you youngster, enjoy your hectic family raising days while you can.  Getting older may just end up getting busier.  Think about it!

I'll start off with a little gossip for the family, but I guess that if it is true it isn't gossip, its news.  Sharolyn told me that AmandaRae got into her 1st accident on her 2nd day of driving!  She was driving home and took the turn into their driveway too fast.  At least one neighbor's mailbox plus collateral damage and a bent fender and a ruined tire.  She was totally embarrassed and affected by her mistake.  As least she got it over early on in her driving training time.  It should serve her well as a good lesson, at least that is my hope.  Our other news was actually much more positive.  Sheila had been carrying around this feeling that she needed to do more to make contact with Crystal.  She has had her birthday present for quite a while and her phone calls and texts seemed to have been ignored.  So yesterday she 'stalked' the place and finally got courage to knock on the front door.  To her surprise she was invited in by a smiling Catie and after a while Jeremy got there with Crystal.  Grand ma had a nice visit with Crystal and learned that Jeremy had gotten a new phone.  Not perfect, but certainly much better then a poke in the eye with a sharp stick! Then she enjoyed time at The Aquarium with Sharon's family, and finally got home around 9 and was exhausted from her long day.  (Stalking will take it out of you every time!)   My day was a 'tender mercy' of new work that I still have to finish up this morning.  And new things that I learned about Beit Lehi near Jerusalem.  I'm almost convinced to rate Monday as 'great', but I'll settle for 'very good' with room for more, especially from me.  I could have done more!

Wow!  That was scary.  I was doing what I always do and I found that another name came up when I tried to log on.  My suspicion was that my blog had been hacked and I worried that some long and costly remedy in time and money would be required.  Somehow I avoided that and clicked on the right thing because I got it back, and here I go:   I didn't think that my weekend had fallen into such a routine, but here I am not having written on the weekend again.  I just got into the living of it and didn't worry about the writing of it.  And now that it is over I will try to find something worthwhile about it to record.  Easy job though, because just our FHE was noteworthy enough for that.  It was a time for Sheila to show off her furniture and for us to eat well and enjoy each other.  Sharon's pasta bar was a hit and their lesson was thought provoking and hopefully something for the kids (and oldsters) to learn from.  I personally enjoyed the observation of our little kingdom deal with our mortality in such a positive and together kind of way.  I thought as I observed the calendaring of our future about how hard it is to plan anything with so  many busy people and families.  But then I realized the neatest thing about it.  Despite the challenge we want to get together!  Sure, conflicts arise and sure, lots of us are extremely busy, but time together is a family priority.  Somehow most of the events did get scheduled, and several family events are in the plans and will continue our family legacy.  Total participation, near impossible, but all we can do is the best that we can do, and enjoy what we are able to enjoy.  That was the case thoughout the rest of the evening.  The youngsters seemed to find plenty to do downstairs and no one got stitches or broke anything, and most of the rest enjoyed their time upstairs.  The laughter was loud and frequent and I didn't see any pouting or taking offense or selfish behavior there to take away from the evening.  Seems like we all do have our own very busy ways that we are pursuing, but being together helps us all and adds to our journeys by drawing and sharing from each other.  This family is just fun for me, and I know that grand ma feels the same way.  Sunday  morning we had been called into the Bishop's office.  But tht ended up being sort of a bust.  No real calling was issued so after the normal fretting things just remained the same.  He did 'plant seeds' about options that we already have thought about so we will just continue trying to figure out what we can do with ourselves.  But considering the main context of what I have just written we will just keep on trying to do better what we are already doing.  And our 'future' will continue being sort of a mystery and a befuddling destination, but something we do look forward to since we will be able to share it with our 'conundrum family'.

Just as I was sitting down to write, my thought focused in on something that I hadn't even considered before.  I reflected on Cicily's blog entry from yesterday and Shelli's, plus Sheila's experience with Kathy yesterday afternoon.  Without going into a lot of detail it struck me that bad things do happen to good people.  It has always been so, and will continue to be that way.  I have written before that in our present state, Sheila and I 'feel' pain for our family when they go through things like that.  I have wondered if it is worse for 'them' or for us.  Now, I know that it would be a hard sell to try to convince someone that we know just how they feel.  But it is a very real part of loving someone that you do suffer for them when they suffer.  And maybe the cumulative affect of more numbers makes it more.  If that is the case, then Heavenly Father and Mother really do go through a lot considering the choices and circumstances of their children.  For me, right now, it is kind of a balancing effect.  Things are going pretty well for us right now, but the 'real world' always finds its way into our heart.  I have considered how and if I could 'make if all go away' for you.  But I know that that is contrary to the plan.  I can't make it go away for me, either.  'It' is just that way that it is, and, of course, the way that it is meant to be.  There have been plenty of sermons on that.  The important ones though, are on the fact that we can, and will survive it all and move on to bigger and better things, together.  I KNOW that this is true.  And I want to be here, where I am, with you, and we, together, will just keep on.  Imagine the treasure!