I do this because there is this urge inside me that has been there a long, long time.  Yesterday I was going through some files and piles of my stuff and I came across the out line of a book I started years ago.  I know that this blog also has the beginning of 'books' in a few places long past.  I thought about my desire to write so as to leave something for my 'posterity' and then it hit me.  I have done that.  I only need to turn stage left to see the book shelf in my office to see numerous volumes of books that I have written including some that we have given to each of you in certain years.  I wonder if you still have them.  I wonder if you use them.  I wonder if you ever think about them.  Part of that 'urge' is based upon commandment and promise about writing journals and family histories.  In that rummaging through stuff yesterday I also found a copy of Newel Knight's journals.  He is a grand father (great....)  of mine and I enjoyed reviewing his life and the part he played in early church history.  I hope that I don't have to wait 4 or 5 generations before my journals are 'discovered'.  The reason that I have organized them in that bookshelf in my office is to make them accessible to you.  Now you know, and are therefore accountable!   Even those 2 short thoughts I wrote yesterday are big to me.  I wonder if they can be to you.  It caused me to do that 'rummaging' in order to collect several of those from years past with the idea of putting them together into another 'book' that I would give to you.  I wonder if it would have any value as all of the other stuff that I have written does (?).  Anyway, it is my itch and my scratch.  Where it goes from there I cannot control.  I can only keep on and hope that there will be benefit to our posterity at some point in time now or in the future.

Two of my most recent lessons:

 Giving service-doing good-reaching out to others is usually hidden in the normal-the routine-the regular demands of living our life, and often goes unnoticed-unrecognized and unacknowledged.  And that is how it should be.  'Charity' seeks to change our nature, not boost our ego.

Perhaps my most important personal and individual commandment from my Father in Heaven is:  Don't waste OUR time!

My new life has begun, or at least a new stage in my regular life.  And it began with a sort of a birth.  (That's the way I am describing that moment when after  much 'labor' I emerged from that 'womb-like' truck which took us hours to unload.  My preference was to have all of the others do the lifting (heavy and light) while I stood around supervising.  But there were no 'others' until Richard got there for the last few 'contractions'.  About that time I was pretty  much expended and besides, my game was on.  I think that I had actually worked hard (for me) and although I do feel some stiffness, mostly I feel great physically.  Mentally I feel overwhelmed, but I am receiving some instruction on that and it seems an opportunity to learn as much as a challenge to understand.  This morning I was up earlier and was out of the shower when Sheila's alarm went off.  Haven't quite grasped this whole new 'house full', but it seems to be an interesting opportunity.  Yesterday we met our newest grandson and were happy to see his family again.  I will have to get used to a lot of things besides a stuffed garage with this new routine, but I also see much to be happy about (not that a stuffed garage is a bad thing).  It seems like a 'settling in ' week for all of us what with Shauni and Jeff getting back from their cruise, Sharon's family getting back from San Diego and the rest of you settling in to your summer routines.  (and Sharolyn's mob with their new start in their lives).  I am a little surprised at myself as I actually feel excited about things right now.  Their are still lots of challenges, old and regular and new and expensive.  But it is all good.  And yes, Shelli, I will just keep on taking it on one day at a time.

So, here I am.  It's Tuesday morning and my mind is muddled.  I usually am better at looking at my day and forming a plan, but right now I am buzzing over with thoughts and ideas and I haven['t yet been able to see a clear day before me.  Maybe it is because there are just too many unknowns.  We don't know when Sharolyn and family will get her (which arrival will come with great impact).  I'm not really clear as to how much work I have because last night we were 'out' until late and I only glanced at the stuff Richard brought in.  Sheila also has some questions as to just what her day will be.  So, I am just moving slowly knowing that it will all fall into place, but I'm not sure just what that 'place' will look like.  Yesterday while the 'Weaver kids' were here Jonah  took a dive into a table and cut open his forehead.  There was the usual amount of panic and pretty soon Cicily got here from her job and Robert had called his friend, Jeremy, who works in a hospital and they and the rest of us examined and consulted (my opinion was measured and I said that he would get by without stitches) and the patched him up and things went back to  normal.  He seemed to do better as the day went on and got back to being himself.  We do want to hear more info today to see that he is still doing okay and is getting even better.  In fact, we hope to hear from lots of you today, what with trips concluding and info about the future needing to be gathered; there is just a lot that we need to know about what is and will be going on.  So, tonight when the day is over I do expect I will see things much differently because so much will be revealed and accomplished.

If this journal is meant to be a daily dairy I am doing a lousy job.  It seems that life seems to take precedent over the recording of said life.  I just get caught up in it and then when I sit down to try and record it I do it in a kind of short-hand way and I never quite do it justice, and I have so much ground to cover that that makes it so much harder on myself. But I don't write it for me, and usually feel like it isn't read by anyone anyway, but I am compelled to try even though I am quite disappointed in the result.  Besides, I don't use any pictures like Shelli and Cicily do and others do on Facebook.  I started down here by reading Shelli's entry which she 'finally' got around to posting.  I 'can't wait' for Sheila to finish her new summer morning routine so I can have her see it.  It makes me happy to see that our 'kids' and their 'kids' are enjoying life too.  Without any real pictures I will try to show that we have enjoyed our time these last several days too.  Saturday was a day off, but we had Robert here working for his mom.  He even tended so we could be out on our own and we went to lunch at Zupa's (we had gone to the Golden Corral on Friday night).  Then we stopped at Deseret Book and got 2 new books for me and 1 for Sheila.  Robert and family stayed overnight (after movie night for Robert, Cicily, Shelli and Phil) and Robert fixed breakfast for us before we went off to church, then they went on to their own church and we had the rest of the Sunday to ourselves.  Sheila' 'exotic' surprise for my dinner  turned into crab legs and corn on the cob and watermelon (a Father's Day delight, indeed!!).  Richard and Kathy dropped by for a few moments later on and after our show ended it was time to call it a day ( a delightful day at that).  Right now we have family driving from back East to here (tomorrow sometime) Family out West driving back tomorrow sometime and all busy doing what they need to be doing.  Me, I'm just trying to meet each day as it comes and figure out how to do it right.  For the first time in a few weeks I have more 'work' work to do then I can finish in one day.  Plus all of the other stuff that I have taken on as projects (including those 2 new books that I have barely started).  But one thing is priority for me.  I accomplished it most the last several days and I intend it for today and each new one coming.  It is spending time with my wife, and as we live our days together (sometimes her outside and me inside) (sometimes her 'there' and me 'here') it  makes everything else so much better.  (pretty soon she'll be 'here' to start her exercises, but first she'll sit here to read 'Shelli', me and we'll watch a few mission call openings) Then we'll keep on just 'doing our days' always together whether in the same place or not!

It's later then normal.  I actually got up earlier, but I've had some pressing tasks that I have now completed here in my office and out to gas the car and deliver a billing to Cullimore's office so I  can get paid today.  Now I need to settle down to my other work which I figure to take a couple of hours.  It is beginning to sink in that things are looking to change drastically in the next few days.  We are expecting David to be here tonight and then fly out in the morning and then long about Tuesday (possibly even Monday or Wednesday) the rest of that family will be here.  Not exactly sure for how long, but just having them right here for some weeks will be a nice change and an opportunity that I am looking forward to.  I will get to meet my grandson for the first time and I have missed those girls not being around.  Enjoyed last night with Sharon's family for the ordination and the birthday. (and the food!)  It made for quite a long day and just being here all day working and thinking and studying will be a good change of pace and hopefully an opportunity to bounce back to my usual energetic, old self.  I have so much study material that I have printed off sitting right here next to me that just thinking about what I want to think about makes me tired all over again.  Its a good thing that I work only 13 commuting steps away so I do have time to devote to my hobby of learning, which I am a little surprised to find means so much to me.  I am still trying to figure 'it' all out.  So much to try and learn and still only 24 hours in our day and so much else that needs our attention.  I am glad that I am older and over all of that stuff that is important to you, but frivolous to me.  I am in a whole different stage of my life.  It is as challenging to me as your stage is to you, but I really think that it is more fun.  You are entitled to disagree with me if you want, but you may change your mind when you get 'here' too.

I haven't decided if I see less 'wow' in this stage of my life because I am old and jaded or more 'wow' because I am wiser and more perceptive.  No matter.  I was 'wow'ed last night and I am going to tell you why.  Last Monday Sheila, being 'out of work' decided to accept the invitation to attend an additional Relief Society meeting just for 'old ladies' with nothing better to do. (My description, not her's.)  There was poetry and learning how to play a ukelali (sic).  Then yesterday she gets a call reminding her that she was supposed to write a poem and turn it in.  She is undecided and not confident that she can do it.  I'm unaware.  Well last night during winding down before bed time she comes in the bed room and asks me if I want to read her poem.  Wow!  I share it with you:

                                    His smiling eyes are watching closely.

                                    My fearful, tentative hands moving slowly.

                                    "Signing" 'shoes, where?'

                                    'blue train',  'treat', 'car',  'helicopter'.

                                    Grandma and Colton having fun with their chatter.

 

I guess that I am used to what life is.  I understand what is required and for what results.  So my life has become much more a 'choose and realize' kind of thing.  I know that when I am 'diligent' I feel the positive rewards, and when I slack I feel those results too.  I pretty much 'get what I pay for'.  But I know that there is also something more to 'it'.  Often we don't really get 'what we pay for' because we do get blessings beyond our 'wages' and are saved from some 'paybacks' in ways that we don't quite understand, but call 'blessings' when we understand a little.  I have, however, arrived at a point in my life where I am aware that I pretty much control my results by choosing the way that I do.  I know what to expect. And yet, I still settle for less so often that I wonder about my smarts and why I do what I do.  I am able to blame some of it on my age, both good and bad:  I am older and therefore I am wiser and do often choose better, but I am older and feel effects that tend to make me less energetic to choose what I know will be for good.  In other words I sometimes feel just too tired to do what I ought to do.  So I have learned something of using my mind more and better because I don't seem to get too tired to think and actually find it a most rewarding exercise.  But thinking can only do so much.  There is much that I simply have to 'do', fatigue or not.  That is an area that I am trying to improve in.  So here I am near the beginning of a new day of opportunity.  Already done with a number of tasks, but with most of my day ahead of me I am actually excited to see if I can do it well.  I know that my day will be just how I choose it to be.

The weekend has come and gone.  It was good, and it had some down moments.  The best part was the feeling I had when I thought about or we talked about that dirty dash that several of our kin (all female) participated in.  We did see the two pictures on Facebook and got to talk some with Cicily about it.  Sheila did talk to Sherri and Shelli on the phone, but I want to see more pictures and hear  more about it from them.  Sheila and I were really happy about how much fun they had.  While they were there Robert was here working with his mother to help her get some rooms cleaned out and organized for Sharolyn's gang in about a week.  He didn't ask much of me because he said that I was 'too fragile' but Sheila talked me into actually getting rid of some stuff that she said that I was 'hoarding'.  Our Sunday was good and quiet, but quite filled up with serious pondering along with some time together watching a 'good for Sunday' show on tv.  Sheila decided to start her new routine at 6:30 this morning and is now outside pulling weeds.  I am into really trying to figure me out as to where I am n my life paying attention to my level of faith and realizing that there is so much more for me to learn about everything, but right now: humility and diligence.  It is a really weird time for me.  What I want and what I need are battling out inside of  me.  And I admit that that creates lots of confusion for me.  Not that I don't know what to do, I just don't know what to do!  Anyway, with everything going on there is lots of neat things happening and I am enjoying life so much.  Its just that it does bring a lot of 'stuff' with it.  Choices, choices choices!

Right now I feel like I am retired, or at least on vacation.  Since last Saturday our lives have been one big party time.  Saturday was that special day in Manti which included lunch.  Sunday was our FHE which included dinner.  Monday night we were invited to the Desert Star Playhouse which included dinner, and on Tuesday it was Bryant's birthday which included dinner.  For some unknown reason I invited my wife our on Wednesday night for dinner (what was I thinking?)  And yesterday, (Thursday) we were invited to the graduation ceremony for Linzi and Colton, which we found out later on included dinner (at the Rodizio Grill, no less!).  Sheila did mention that tomorrow (today) was our regular date night (which includes dinner), but I am not yet convinced that I can handle it.  I need to relax and go back to work first so I can get my strength back in order to be up for whatever we decide to do.  I slept in until around 6:30 and Sheila is still sleeping as it is her first day of vacation from work so this Friday has not yet been planned.  At least we did met our need for protein yesterday!  And no, Zach did not have to eat snake or zebra, but he did like the Swordfish. I don't figure my life will change much, but for Colton and Linzi, well, it is that time when your life rolls our in front of you.  My 'roll' is long behind me, but still some left ahead, and I am just as excited for that portion of mine as they are for their's. 

I'm in my office earlier then usual. While we were getting dressed I asked Sheila about what we would do starting tomorrow when she doesn't have to set the alarm for 6 to get up to go to work.  Funny how routines are imposed on us due to certain circumstances.  I have actually felt pretty good about my morning routine, but I know me. I have never described myself as much of a  morning person.  One of my new challenges is how to deal with the fact that my light fixture in my office died yesterday.  It has been a problem, but when we got back from Bear Lake (last year!) it had fixed itself and I kept it on all of the time because I didn't trust it to come back on if I turned it off.  Well, yesterday morning it 'fizzed' and died.  I was able to coax a 2nd desk lamp into light with a new bulb and I put a call in to 'my' electrician.  But I'll just do what I can until it can be replaced or fixed or whatever.  (Yes, there is always something!)  I guess that you are all pretty busy right now.  There are 2 grand kids graduating from their high school today.  And soon a move 'back home' for some.  All kinds of travel plans during the next couple of months, and birthdays all over the calendar.  And like I stared out, these two oldsters have a change ourselves.  It makes me examine things and I notice that other things have or will change too.  We have a bit of envy for friends that we know who are on missions or retired or seem to be living easy.  But we really like where we are.  The challenges are the same:  some easier and some harder, but still pretty much what all of you are facing.  We don't spend much time wishing because our reality takes up all of our time.  But it sure could be  lot worse.  The best part of it is that we are together. 

By the time I get into my office I figure that I have accomplished several tasks to get my day off to a good start.  I do wake up when Sheila's alarm goes off at 6, but I don't necessarily get up then.  (Tomorrow is her last day of work for the school year and I really don't know how that will change our routine.)  I try to exercise my 'little grey cells' by reviewing my thoughts and insights from my  night of study, and find a thought or a theme or some kind of an inspiration to carry into my day.  Then I get up and read my chapter.  This morning it was Alma 1.  (I also reviewed a page from the next priesthood lesson for next week that I read yesterday that was on my mind from my 'review'.  I find that Pres. Snow's teachings to be quite terrific and worthy of much consideration and I do feel a connection to him and his sister, Eliza, seeing as how we have been in their home where they grew up back in Ohio.)  I do my blood test and then I do my push ups (66 now) and this morning I showered and dressed.  Before I leave my room I do have the privilege of my kneeling prayer, and then it is time to face the world and 'commute' to my work.  From there my work days do have a lot in common, but they are always different in some way. ( As yours are.)   Today should prove to be less hectic then yesterday was or tomorrow will be.  So we, two, need to take advantage of what is offered and recoup a bit. Still do have lots more on my plate then I can handle, so I just live each moment as it come and do what I can.  I have my 'reminder ring on my reminder finger' to remind me that I need to test my blood pressure today.  I have let that slide for way to long.  My doctor thinks it is important, so I need to get some testing recorded for him.  Me, I am not worried about it, but then he is the doctor.  (5th of June already!  can't hardly believe it!)

I'm figuring to get back on track today.  I have work enough to do 'ere the sun goes down' and I  hope to get into this work mode and keep it going most of the day.  It's not that yesterday was wasted.  I was able to be active and I tried to use my free time in my studies and to do some very hard pondering.  And I feel good about that.  But I was operating on a lesser energy level and I ended up leaving some tasks undone that I should have addressed.  You have heard that old idea about giving the important tasks to the busy person.  I know that there is something to that.  I see it as being able to get into that high energy work mode, kind of like 'the zone' in a sports metaphor or 'in the groove' or any other ways to describe it.  My Monday was okay, but I never reached 'it'.  Today I plan to get 'there' and maintain it long enough to get the jobs done.  Obviously I need conditions outside of myself to almost force that on me as I am not yet 'there' on my own.  But I am working on that too.  One of my specific challenges is learning how to discipline my attitude which leads to more skill in the discipline of my actions.  Always something more to learn, isn't there? At least I 'know'.  Its the 'do' part that still challenges me. I wonder if there is a scriptural description of that concept.  I'll have to give that some thought.  Any ideas?  I'm sure that there is and it will come to me.  I believe that getting into that zone makes everything else better, even personal inspiration.  Its a neat thing when you can find it.  I hope to be able to do that today.

Ah, Monday morning.  So many emotions.  Such confusion.  And it is more-so coming off a super weekend like we just lived.  If it could only just be like that all week.  But it is not, and I must change my frame of mind to deal with the reality of Monday.  I have been trying to avoid Monday coming, but you know that that can't be done. So it is here and so am I.  'sigh!!!'  However, the quality of my Saturday and Sunday soften the edge of the reality of Monday.  Our experience at the Manti temple Saturday was absolutely wonderful.  And the FHE on Sunday continued the euphoria.  And I know that we have another event tonight in the same vein, so I know that I will make it through even if just on memories.  Perhaps it is a good thing that right now (today, so far) my work is a little slow because I have so much else going on in my head and in my life that I feel overwhelmed.  Some of it is deeply personal and most of it is family with a little anxiety over work thrown in.  Wondering and not really knowing takes a toll when amped up to a high level.  And I put such pressure on myself to figure it all out.  Guessing at everything that is current is bad enough and then you add trying to guess things in the future and it becomes quite a conundrum.  How can I do it all?  Why must I try to do it all?