I've been waiting for the end of my Saturday to write and then go to bed.  Sheila and I just finished watching a movie that I recorded from a free preview a week ago.  It was the end of a pretty productive day for me.  We finally got out taxes finished and even mailed off, and I can't explain just how good it feels to have that task done and gone, and it didn't cost us near what I had been worried about early on.  Then I closed out my week (I'm only 2 weeks behind) and paid me (us).  That is good cause we have a big, big bill due this coming week.  I also had Sheila give me that badly needed hair cut this afternoon.  With all of that I feel good about my day.  But my doctor's visit from yesterday still weighs on me some.  Seems my ac-1 level tested higher then it has before.  I chose option exercise and better diet control over expensive drugs and have to see him again in July.  It was something more serious then I would have liked, but it is what it is.  So I need to be serious about it.  Seems my load can provide that 'spiritual traction', but I am still figuring out just what I need to do about it to make it work for me.  So much to do, and only 24 hours in a day to do it.  And getting older and more worn-out has to be figured in the equation.I figure I know almost enough to make it work.  Its the doing of it all that is the part that still requires me to do and be more and better.

I can't really call it 'back in the habit', but at least I am writing again.  I waited until near the end of my day which isn't what I was doing before, but I was trying so hard to make my day worthy of my General Conference commitment that I really have been busy most of the time until now.  (I did watch some the the NCAA championship game, but I also drove over to Sharon's early on before I got back and pretty much wound down my day's work.)  I feel good about my choices for the day, but naturally I did not have a 'perfect' day.  I left things undone, and I did waste some time, but my Tuesday is poised to be another productive day if I can do as well as I did today.  My mind is still filled with thoughts from the weekend and my own personal study has only been added to, so I am really trying hard to understand some truths that can only make me better.  I am doing a real in depth study about 'desire' and 'heart, might, mind and strength'.  D & C 4 is still pretty much my theme and there is so much there to learn even though I have had it memorized for months and have 'read' it now thousands of times.  I find that my personal barometer has changed.  My level of tolerance for certain kinds of behavior is so much less.  I cannot tolerate me doing or thinking stuff that used to be acceptable (for me).  I expect so much more of me now in the 'faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, diligence' department (verse 6).  I find that really satisfying on the one hand, but somewhat aggravating on the other hand.  But it is all part of the journey and something that I have come to expect, especially just after General Conference. 

I know.  I know I skipped yesterday.  But there was a pretty good reason, and it was also my decision to wait until now (Sunday morning before 9:30 [and General Conference] on April 6th).  My whole routine got fouled up with it being Saturday, and General 

 Conference Saturday at that.  After immersing myself into 6 hours of deep study I felt so overwhelmed with all that was floating around in my head that I decided that I needed a night's sleep to allow for settling and sorting  and recharging.  So that is what I did.  Now I'm ready for 4 more hours of the same plus an evening with family and another night to sleep before I get back to my 'real' world on Monday morning.  There is so much going on in me.  I started with lots and yesterday added so much more.  Somehow I feel like I am new and better.  There is so much that I have to modify or discard like I am really, really seriously into this growing and changing thing.  And it seems to be happening faster and more then it ever has before.  I'm not sure that any of you can really understand what I am talking about as I can't myself.  But I am trying my best to put words to the way that I am feeling.  And by putting it down here it helps me, and if you get something out of it too, well, so much the better.  I plan on working really hard today at trying to absorb and understand what will be said, and seek for that special message which will be there just for me.  I pray the same for each of you, and I am excited about what comes now.

It's been so long that the computer had forgotten me.  I had to re-sign and almost didn't remember how to do this.  I have really fallen off at doing this,  and I could list so many excuses.  It really has been an interesting period of time in my life since January 22nd, but I can only blame myself for not keeping at it.  And today the thing that has gotten me here was thinking about our new grand daughter.  We drove down to the American Fork Hospital yesterday and visited with Shauni, Jeff and Amy.  The best word that I could come up with was 'surreal', but I am trying to find a better one.  For now I will just say that anytime we have had children or grandchildren it brings a certain, special kind of perspective that sure is different then regular moments.  It causes serious reflection, but even that word doesn't do it justice.  It just reminds me of something more and better and quite 'ungraspable'.  Anyway, I had Amy in mind when I decided that I need to do this again.  The number 31 doesn't quite compute for me either.  And, yes, I do remember all of their names.  Part of my recent past which I left unrecorded has been really, really confusing for me.  There is so much stuff going on in my life and in me that that feeling of being overwhelmed (which I have referred to before) has at times gotten the best of me.  I don't know any other way to describe it, but 'overwhelmed' doesn't adequately explain it for me.  That is part of the problem.  I can't really explain all that I am feeling.  Its like I am being stretched, filled and refined at an alarming rate.  And sometimes I just want it to stop, but not really, for it seems also to be just finally understanding it all.  It is so hard, so real and so 'overwhelming', but in such a good way.  I will close with my latest 'motto':  "Heavenly Father is used to working with imperfect people".