I am confusing myself, so I figure you might be confused too.  I am writing at night and then I am writing first thing in the morning.  And the stuff that I write is confusing too.  I don't remember the context so what I read doesn't make much sense to me.  So let me try to make at least 2 things more clear.  The last week or so I have been concerned about the physical me.  I know that I have shared that bug with my wife which has pretty much kept her confined to the house (if not the bathroom) for almost a week.  She finally got better in time to attend our stake conference and then start work on Monday.  Its been almost the full work week and she has (and is) working but sometimes later in the day it attacks her again.  Me, I know I have been affected, but not to the extent that she has.  I believe that I noticed it most in my push ups that have been problematic for me the last 2 weeks.  Lately I have done much better, but I am still tentative when I think about starting 57 tomorrow at the beginning of a new month.  It is still a bit of a conundrum for me.

 

Then my personal study has been quite overwhelming now for some months.  And even more so lately.  I feel so empowered in a very personal way.  Its like a window has been opened up just for me.  One that quite frankly I have needed for a long time, but I am so thankful that it is here now.  And it changes everything because I have to behave differently.   I really don't want to share much yet because I am still trying to grasp it all.  But I can say that I finally really, really know what I want to be when I grow up.

I guess I can say that I qualify as a social media barfly.  I follow my family on Facebook and Shelli and Cicily on their blogs so I can keep up with what is going on.  I just looked at all three before I began this entry.  I was going to talk about the importance of today being Colton's first day at school.  But Shelli covered it well enough so I have but to refer you to her blog. One thing though:  in her blog she sounds so calm and collected.  I talked to her about 11 am and I testify that that was not the case then.  Oh, she wasn't frantic or crazy or anything like that, but she wasn't 'calm' either.  Cicily, well she is in a much bigger world then I am, but I do enjoy trying to keep up with her.  And Facebook, sometimes I feel like a stalker.  But it is a good way to learn stuff.  

 

I wrote this morning about the beginning of my day.  I was really surprised, and happy that my wild imagination was just that.  I hope to repeat the performance again in a little while.  But it was a real relief for me this morning.   I am still trying to make sense of it all. 

Seems that whenever I take the time to look I find that there are lessons all around me that I need to learn.  Last night I went to bed without writing knowing that a night to reflect and organize would help me do better.  Actually, I was shying away from something that was beginning to scare me and I didn't know what to do. The last several times that I have done my 56 push ups (or attempted to do so) I have really struggled.  I was hardly able to finish in most cases and sometimes really had to 'modify' (cheat) to finish.  So last night I tried and with some 'modification' I barely made it, but was breathing very heavily for a long time. All night I thought about what to do:  3 sets of ? let's see 18 18 and ?  no 19 19 and 18---yeah.  But why was this happening?  Was I still carrying some bug, or did my age all of a sudden do me in?  Was I nearing the end?  It was becoming a real mental thing for me.  So I was going to get up and try the 3 sets of 19 19 and 18.  Then I started to just stretch and I started to feel the blood begin to flow.  Hey, maybe that was part of it! so more stretching and then I got up, read my scriptures and then the moment of truth.  Not a big deal to most, especially youngsters, but  was apprehensive.  Sets, not. go for it.  1,2,---56!  and barely breathing heavily!!!  Now the conundrum.  Why, what was different?  Blood? Preparation?  Determination?
Don't know for sure, but there is a lesson in there somewhere, and I will ponder on it and let you know.  Any ideas?

Seems that Shelli was having a bad day today.  Sweet little Colton wasn't being very sweet, and it made for frustration, frustration and more frustration.  I guess that we all go through that and when we think about it we generally choose to keep our own problems because at least we kind of  get attached to them.  Children, that's the best example of that.  We may want to them to go away, but only for a little while.  I guess that is what family is:  makes you mad, sad, bad and been had, but change , but don't go away.  

My day was pretty much the way I figured it would be.  Some things that happened were less, and some things were more.  Mostly, it got me into the week and closer to tomorrow.  And nothing terrible happened.  I am going to end down here because we do have some visitors upstairs and I want to spend some time with them before this grandpa retires at  ---whenever.

So, my Sunday has been pretty uneventful.  Went to Stake Conference this morning and since then I have just hung around.  Oh, I did take Jonah for a walk in the stroller, but my energy didn't last long and I was back home pretty quickly.  Makes me wonder how old I really am.  Sheila did fix me the same meal that she did yesterday because I enjoyed it so much, and I enjoyed it again.  I was able to have Sheila down here watching t v for a little while, but then she got tired of sitting in the chair here and went back upstairs.  I pretty much just vegged after that and now I am ending my day.  I hope I can sleep okay cause I know that the alarm is actually going to go off at 6 in the morning.  We haven't used it since the last school day when she went to work.  Now it will start all over again.  She seems to be well enough and she also said that she is actually looking forward to getting back to her job at the school.  Her  Monday working shirt got dropped by today and she will be dressed in red in the morning when she leaves to be there by 7 am.  Me, I will go through my usual Monday transition day which is always a bit of a struggle for me.  After a day I'll be into the routine better and by the end of the week it will be September!  That's the last 1/3 of the year!  Who knows what might lie ahead for us.  Work for her starting tomorrow and for me as well, but who knows what else if in the offing.  I can dream, but guess, no way.

Considering our experience of Friday evening we were cautious as we approached Saturday evening and our decision to attend our Stake Conference meeting.  We were both a bit tentative, but we did make it through, and were blessed for our effort.  I have been able to contemplate the offerings throughout the night and they are still firing my thoughts this morning.  That was one of the reasons that I waited the night before I made this entry.  It is amazing to me how one thought spreads out and becomes a fabric of thoughts as you examine the meanings and nuances.  We will be off to the morning session later on this morning and we expect similar results from this next outing.  I am a believer that new lessons can come even faster then we can receive them if you (1) invite them in and (2) make them priority when they do come.  It is like feasting all day long even when it isn't meal time.  And today (Sunday) is especially created for that opportunity.  During the meeting last night we had occasion to think of each and all of you.  You are at the center of this 'eternal round of truth' and the reason and heart of everything.  While we are really, really busy trying to deal with our own lives we know that none of it would matter or be complete without you.  Know that we love you!

We both thought we had it licked.  It was a while coming, but she kept feeling better throughout the day.  When she took a bath at 4 we even had thoughts of going out to dinner.  Finally she was feeling better.  But we decided to order fish and chips to bring  home and just eat out dinner here.  She was already to leave and I came down to work a little more in the office before our meal.  Then she calls me on the phone from the bathroom and says that it is all undone.  Darn!  It wasn't so bad that I had to go get the food.  What was bad was that she didn't make it all the way back.  Kind of like false labor or something like that.  Now we start all over again and stake conference tomorrow night is our new goal. Truth is, I haven't had what she has, but I had been a little off.  That was part of why I opted to eat at home.  I hope that whether I feel better or not I will feel like attending.  But the hope is squarely for her.  She deserves to be well.  Heck, she worked so hard today and we thought it was over.  But not yet, at least for another day.

To Cicily and the rest of you:  my wife is not doing much better.  We had hopes that she was making progress, but today did not end up being a good day for her.  Last  night when I went upstairs after finishing in the office she asked me to go to the store and buy her Gatorade and bananas!  We thought for a brief moment that that would start her on the road to recovery, but then Thursday happened and the progress stopped.  I went to Hillcrest High School tonight to watch Cortney and her team play volleyball and on the way  home I received the following text:  "How is the game going?  I am spending 2 much time in bathroom."  I arrived home moments later to announce that 'they' had won in a 3-0 shut out and that Cortney had played well, and had had fun.  Being out enjoying that outing took me out of any kind of a working game plan and even though I did have work that I could have done, I was done for the day.  Watched a little t v and now my day is over.  Life will go on and I have plenty of work for tomorrow, but my real concern is having my wife get better.  This has gone on way too long and I know that she is soo tired of it all.  I will continue to 'pamper' her (her word), but mostly I just leave her to sipping Gatorade and trying to sleep her way through.  Hopefully one more night and she will finally start feeling better.  If not we will figure out something to do for her.  We are both looking forward to when we will both be back to normal (whatever that is).

Sheila has been sick today.  She was yesterday too.  But another day is bad and it seemed worse.  I feel for her, and hope that she can finally be better.  I have felt pretty good.  But maybe just a bit off.  But she has bee a real trooper doing all that she could do, despite a thousand trips to the bathroom.  Like I said:  I hope that she can sleep and finally feel better.  Tomorrow would be good.

 

I had another lesson in my ongoing learning today about Charity.  It goes back to my effort to examine myself closely and try to figure out why I do some of the things that I do.  I realize that I have some 'puffed up' things that I need to work on.  Seems so simple, yet it is hard for me, or at least, it has been hard otherwise I would have changed this a long time ago.  Seems like I have held on to some stuff that I now realize needs to be let go of and replaced.  Admitting it is a big part and now that I have I need to replace or change me at the heart of who I am.  Normal, but crucial stuff.  Wish I could have learned earlier, but I am glad for the lesson now.  My new motto: 'Charity is not puffed up'.

It feels like I am on a bit of a roll.  Today was another good work day with enough to almost guarantee tomorrow being one too.  I did work almost as hard as yesterday, but not quite.  I feel more energy right now then I did when I quit for the day last night.  I hope to change gears and places and activities and keep on doing for there is still opportunity to do more today.  I will even try to get Sheila to retire early as she is feeling ill, but I don't have high hopes for that.  She will say that she won't be able to sleep and try to stay up 'til her normal time.  At least that is what I am betting on right  now.  For me I feel like I need to do something more then office work to have a complete day.  Some reading, some deep thinking even some time talking with my friend (but she probably doesn't feel well enough for that) in addition to what I've done down here in the office.  I just need something more.  I am going to take my blood pressure before I go upstairs.  I have neglected that for 3 weeks.  Time to get some more numbers recorded to send to the doctor at the end of the month.  Had a chance to look at the schedules for the next month.  Seems there is stuff that we can do with games for Spencer and Cortney.  Stake conference this week end and then f h e. So there are some breaks in all of the work and that's good.  After all, that's really the reason why I work in the first place.

I have had one of my most productive work days in a long, long time.  I am grateful that I had enough work to do to make it so.  And the best part is that I didn't quite get it all done so tomorrow won't be all lower level tasks.  But I will have to fill much of the day with that kind of work.  No problem.  My transition Monday was successful in getting me back into a work mode that I certainly fell out of since last Friday night.  I even got into such a groove that not only did I not even think about eating my lunch I actually didn't even miss not eating. I don't remember that happening before.  Now I need to be successful in other ways before I call it a day.  Normally what I mean by that is doing some gospel study or hard thinking about truths and stuff like that.  Here the month of August is 2/3's done and I am stupefied.  Problems, yes.  They are all around.  But regardless, I have had a pretty good day.  It was different.  I did see Richard, and Sheila saw Richard and Robert, (and Johnny too),but mostly it was just the 2 of us.  Yesterday it was the ward during part of the day, and before that was two days full of family.  Lovely, but tiring.  Then today was tiring too.  Just quieter getting tired.  All of a sudden I am very tired.  So it is time for a change of venue and activity.  And time to reflect. 

I was in danger of falling behind in my journal by 2 entries, but my Sunday was causing me fatigue and I am ready to call it a day.  But before I totally turn into a pumpkin I decided to write at least to try to catch up some and I also read Cicily's blog first.  She referred to a lot of what I had been thinking and she did it with pictures.  So I refer you to that so you can see what you missed if you weren't there or remember what happened while you were there.  I too went more out of duty, but ended up really glad that I did.  I came home almost singing to myself: 'I love being a grandpa'. The whole weekend was like that for me.  There I was dressed up in my silly gorilla t-shirt but enjoying the heck out of being their with our family.  Today was a much needed day to recuperate, but even in that I already miss yesterday.  I often realize the hum drum moments, but I am learning to really appreciate these kinds of pay days.  It is overwhelming.  The sheer number last night was amazing.  Logan asked me once if all of those people were 'my friends' !  I told him that they were all my family and his too.  I don't know if he grasped that or not.  I,m not sure that I did either.  Saturday morning at the cemetery I butted in a talked about this 'forever family'.  I said what I had really come to  understand: today is part of forever, so that family is in my here and now as well as in my forever, and I am so very blessed to have it.

I got up early this Saturday to do my entry for last night.  When I turned on the computer and than 'my music' the song that was playing was 'Love at Home'.  That seemed so appropriate because of where I am at right now.  Last night ended at Sharon's birthday party which was a bbq and swimming party and in an hour or so we swill be up and off to the celebration of Alexi.  Then tonight is the Wardell family annual reunion.  It was also (naturally) my thought as I was thinking before I got up:  family.  I have experienced and learned lots on that subject in the last 9 months or so.  There I was last night trying to take it all in.  My idea of family has certainly changed, or maybe I should say: expanded.  I guess I had never really given much thought to how a family is formed. I always just gave it over to 'millennium thinking' and that it would just be worked out over eternity.  But now I realize that not only is this life the 'time to prepare to meet God'.  It is also much to do about who we will be meeting God with.  After all a Forever Family by definition in not only yesterday, but also today, tomorrow and then forever.  I am blown away about how powerfully that message is right now in my life and I will then be forever grateful.

I had a visit from an old acquaintance this morning.  It was not a good time for me.  I haven't seen this guy for a number of years and I thought that I would never have to see him again.  In fact, I have spent the rest of the day trying to figure out how he knew where to find me or why he would show up at all.  I haven't come up with any good answers yet, but I hope the guy is gone and good riddance.  It really threw me off for the rest of the day.  I was glad that I got a lot of new work in this evening so that tomorrow I will have so much to do that I won't have time for any of this foolishness.  And my night tomorrow and most of our Saturday is full up with family stuff.  Maybe that will help me to distance myself from this anomaly of today.  I intend some real serious study and discussion with myself about my visit to myself about how, what, why where and never again.  I thought that I had left all of that behind.  But one thing about this that gives me comfort is that compared to the guy that once was this visitor today was a mere shadow of myself.  Quick to recognize, easier to deal with, and much much less affective in his nefarious ways.  Maybe, I have already banished him for good.  Cryptic isn't it?

We did have a small world moment way back at the after meeting get together when Nicholas had his farewell.  Well, there is one going on right now.  Right now we are tending two of Robert and Cicily's boys with Co Co and Robert to be here later tonight.  The reason is that Cicily is in Arizona visiting with family because of a sick brother-in-law.  Anyway, right now she is most likely out to a movie with Daria.  Right, Nicholas' Daria.  Seems that Cicily's sister is the visiting teacher of Daria's mother.  I'm not quite sure how she made that connection, but she did.  Small world, isn't it.

 

I am still receiving from our temple night last night.   And for some reason I feel just as tired.  So I am ending my day early and go do some reading before I go to bed.  Since I started with my 'what do I really really want' theme a few days ago I have had maybe two really good days.  Today, not so good, but last night made it worthwhile because I  am still carrying around positives.  Today felt like it should have been Thursday for some reason.  So I figure I am one up with another Thursday to go tomorrow.  I wonder what I 'really, really want' it to do for me.

Sheila asked me how I felt while on the way home just now.  I told her that physically I was exhausted, but spiritually I felt 'enlightened'.  We had just come from a session at the Jordan River Temple and I was explaining to her how I felt.  If I do a session right it always tires me out.  It is hard work for me to concentrate that hard for that long. But tonight as we neared the end I had such insight that was actually new stuff for me.  I was able to see what a master teacher He is.  There you have simple tasks that you learn and then practice and then perform.  There are also harder tasks that you learn about but can't practice so you just promise that you will and you get all kinds of reminders to help you remember and get motivated to perform those other tasks.  What a wonderful lesson plan.  I guess that everyone there 'in class' is learning a different lesson.  Mine tonight was related to the thought in Alma about 'tasting light'.  So what I 'really, really' wanted today I actually was able to do something about (even though Draper was closed so we had to drive miles and miles (!) to our 'old' temple) and they actually thanked us for showing up when it was us that got so much more then we gave!

I figure that I will probably never be fully satisfied with my day.  That seems to just be my nature.  I do know that I want them to be good and then better.  But here today was really pretty good and I find myself thinking of how it could have been more after being satisfied for a nano second.  I was able to coax myself into action 2 or 3 times and tonight I even did my 60 minutes on the bike which was satisfying and will last for a little while as I still feel the effects of the work out, but even with that I wonder about doing more and better.  I woke up feeling pretty positive and it carried over to my day.  I adopted a new theme: "what do I really, really want that I can actually do something about right now--or today?"  I just kept asking myself that question when I got distracted or tired or maybe bored.  I did take a short nap when the answer to the question of what I really, really wanted was to take a nap.  But the result was positive and I denied myself that luxury the rest of the day.  I did leave myself stuff to do tomorrow and the answer to my question may take me to reading or cleaning off that table in our bedroom.  But I'll keep on asking it and trying to be actively engaged in activities that will be better then some that I have fallen into lately without that question.  Perfection is not my goal here and now (certainly later and when it is right) so I need to get better and get used to quick celebrations and transitions into what ever comes next.

I put off Sunday night until Monday morning again.  I just felt that I would be able to figure out what was going on in my head better given a night to rest and recover.  Sunday's tend to muddle me some, especially when I have such an involved and intense moment like teaching my priesthood  lesson.  It fills me up so much and then when it is over I get sort of drained and dull.  Anyway, it took almost until the very end of my night of pondering to figure it out.  After sitting up and then laying back in bed I found the spark that I had been looking for.  Can't say that I found an answer to everything, but for today and right now I feel energized and with purpose.  Before I opened up my blog I read Shelli's and Cicily's and I understood even better how much I am me and they are them.  And even though they are a part of me it is still me and myself and I that I have full stewardship over and that I must determine what it is that I really, really want.  That may not make much sense to you (whoever your are) but it does to me and I hope that it sustains me for at least this next 24 hours.  I need it.

I pretty much resigned myself to a day off.  I did dream of work and getting lots of stuff done, but I knew that I wouldn't deliver.  My best move was when I got up I needed a shower and so I did.  I thought that that might help me feel more like working, but being a Saturday it was simply too much for me to take on.  I did acknowledge all the work that my wonderful wife did today, so I took her out to dinner.  Course I had to go to, but she was the one who worked hard enough to deserve it.  Before I got up I was laying in bed and I heard this strange sound.  My first thought was that it was the sprinklers in the back yard.  But no, not regular enough.  Then I thought that the dishwasher was running.  But that couldn't be because the wife was still sleeping.  Maybe a neighbor was running some kind of machine or dragging something around on a cement driveway or sidewalk.  Then, bingo! I knew what it was or at least what it sounded like.  I had to get up and verify my conclusion.  I looked out beyond the back yard and yes, I was right.  There was a hot air balloon over in the church park being lit up ready for a morning run.  That was the most exciting part of my day until tonight when we watched the last night of the Olympics, and my last watching of same because tomorrow is Sunday and I hope to fill my day with Sunday stuff.  Night, you-all.

Life continues to be the test.  Virtually every day something happens to me or someone I love that tests some part of me. I am sort of used to it, but continually surprised at just what it might be.  I try not to count anything that isn't family, but even there I find myself affected almost every day.  Course the family is big enough that there is something there daily too.  And as much as a prophet's advice has been to decide once so when a decision comes up the question has already been decided it seems that some things just require a confirmation or commitment over and over.  I hope that isn't because I step backward sometimes (which I do) but because it is just the nature of the 'furnace' that life is.   I do agree with something that I said this past week and also heard in priesthood on Sunday:  when it comes down to it we almost always choose the troubles and trials that we have rather then the troubles and trials that we see in the lives of others.  So, I accept that 'it is what it is' and I'll keep what it is in my life over what test others have, and keep on stumbling on day after day despite my seemingly lack of progress.  

Inspiration can come from a lot of different sources.  Right now my head is filled with thoughts I got when I watched some old Japanese movies last night.  I didn't realize how much they would 'give' when I was watching them.  All I was thinking about then was how late they would go to.  I did finally get to bed at 15 to midnight ( and then up before 7!) but staying up that late I decided again to forgo my entry until right now (just after & the following morning).  But I feel real good that I did my 56 last night and then again this morning!  Some times I breeze through them and then some times (like this morning) # 56 seems impossible, but I did get it done!  When I took my blood # and recorded it this morning it took me back a bit when I wrote Aug. 10th!  Imagine, 1/3 of the month.  Heck it just barely started!  I am also filled with good thought concerning my lesson this coming Sunday as well as other ideas that I have written or thought about or read recently.  It seems like a whole 'nuther full time job this pondering.  But it is what edifies me and increases the value of the other 'ordinary' stuff that I am required to do each day.  Right now I am excited about today.  Hope I can keep it up.

I hope that I am not creating a new habit.  Here it is 8 again tonight and I have turned off the tv and am pretty much decided that I am done for the day. I will finish here then go outside to do the skimmer and then spend some time in my green chair before I go to bed.  I know who will win the beach volleyball match and there isn't anything else on tv that interests me.  Maybe I can find a book to start or a new and interesting idea to contemplate.  I started on task in my bedroom and cleaned up the dresser.  Sheila suggested that I do the same with the 'study' table too, but that seems too big of a task to tackle tonight.  It will do well at some other time in the future.  I was able to do right by myself by getting into the office by 7 this morning and then I did work well and hard for several hours getting maybe 60 % of what was there done.  And now I see more new work for me to enjoy tomorrow.  Maybe I can make this work out this week even though my #'s don't appear to be all that strong.  Today Sheila was gone more then she was here.  She was over at Sharon's old house helping Linzi clean.  She says that there still is much to do there, but she has declared tomorrow a recovery day (as well as a stay at home and help hubby out in the office day).

I feel like I am in a bit of a rut.  Funny, when I have stuff that takes me away from my office work I worry and when I have nothing to compete with me working in the office I struggle.  I haven't been able yet to figure me out.  I am a conundrum to myself! 

I choose to turn off the tv.  I choose to not do my bike exercises.  I choose to call it a day as to my office work.  I choose to write in my 'journal' before I go upstairs and get ready to end my day.  I was trying to think why I am so tired.  Then I realized that I got up around 3:30 and sat to ponder the 3 letters that Sharon  had asked us to write.  Seems that Linzi, Colton and Dalton have this youth conference next week and the ward leaders wants several letters for each participant to have to read as a part of that.  It is a surprise, but I don't figure that any of those 3 will read this so anyone else just keep in to yourself.  I got some ideas during that 'contemplation time' and I was able to remember most of them and when I got in to the office I wrote the letters.  Sheila also wrote 3 of her own when she got up and going.  Then I tried to make a better day of it by working hard.  I don't believe that I was very successful at that, but at least I was up, showered and dressed.  I'm not quite sure what took my energy.  But both are a drain.  Anyway, I choose to get out of the office and probably take my time getting ready for bed and study my up coming priesthood lesson and review some other things that I have written, and generally try to do some serious thinking to end my day.  The pressure of the piles of work on my desk is still there.  Tomorrow looks to be a good day for that.  But I need to be recharged before I have enough energy to make that effort.  Is it all part of getting older, or am I just a lazy bum?

Seems like I just did this a few hours ago.  (Because I did.)  But now my Monday is nearly over and it is time for my 'daily' entry.  The problem is that compared to yesterday today was so boring that I don't remember much of anything to write about.  I didn't go anywhere and all I did do was stay here and hang around the office.  I ate 3 meals and I watched the Olympics a lot.  I fretted over my inaction and it stirred me to do some work.  I had spurts off and on throughout the day.  Sheila was my girl Friday and really helped me out with some errands and of course she fixed me 2 of my meals.  I thought about her a lot throughout the day, and, in fact, she was the reason that I did the work that I did do.  I thought of all that she was doing and felt guilty when I slacked off.  So time and again I moved out of my tv chair and did another task and then another.  I wouldn't count my day full of work, but I did get some things done.  We took time to go over our calendar and will have some busy times, but some weeks will not be busy at all.  I have no excuse to not just settle down and work my way through the week.  But that is not really accurate.  If I really think about it I know that there are lots of things that I ought to be doing.  We have letters to write for a youth conference.  I have missionary letters I ought to write.  There are lower level work tasks that have really built up over time.  And the piles on my desk are testaments of my laziness.  I really need to do a better job.  I've had my transition day so there is no good reason not to really work throughout the day tomorrow.

Routine can be a good thing.  Habit is powerful and can also be a good thing.  But both can also let us down.  If we fall out of either it can slip us into a place that we really don't want to be.  Here it is after 3:30 in the afternoon and I just remembered that I put off my entry from last night until this morning and then my routine was on my mind and not the make-up of that entry.  I repented quickly and I am trying to make up for that slip up.  Thank Heaven that it isn't exactly a sin, although I do feel badly when it happens. And it happens not rarely, but thankfully not often. And it really does make a difference because there is always a decline in memory as to what I write.  In this case, however, my memory is pretty vivid as to the goings on of last night.  It was our family home evening and it was filled with 'giving moments'.  Sheila worked so hard to plan and put together her part which was the feeding of the 5,000 (34 including 3 little fritters).  I actually help her out a little bit, but she did almost all and was rewarded with virtually no left overs.  Robert and Cicily presented a  lesson about the temple and we have the 3 model temples that were creative in the activity.  Zach brought tears to Robert's eyes with his comment about the spirit following their family from their former house to their new home.  A small bon fire brought sirens but now firemen as we roasted marshmallows for s'mores.  (I know that Johnny did cremate one of his efforts, but no one was counting.)  The evening was accompanied by the usual chaos and noise and our once full candy drawer in the pantry looked pretty meager to me this morning.  Our future calendar will actually become more hectic as we try to accommodate new family traditions, birthdays and other events.  But that appears to be what this family enjoys and is all about: being together here, and hereafter.

I've really taken advantage of today.  I puttered my way through doing a little work and nothing at times.  But I reread the new Ensign and enjoyed a movie and watching a lot of the Olympics.  My idea of a lazy day is getting a good night's sleep especially on a Saturday because for me Sunday is a special day.  And tomorrow even more so because it will be our family home evening get together.  It was really relaxing for me today.  Could have been better and I could have done more, but I had to leave something for Monday.  It has been nice to have Sheila back home after being gone most of the week.  And additionally it is good that Shelli is feeling much better, and we look forward to seeing her and her family and the rest of the gang tomorrow night.  Sheila bought Chin Wah pork chow mein for dinner and fixed corn on the cob with watermelon.  I plan to reread one specific article that I read today.  It seemed to have all of my recent thoughts and a little more almost as if it is my personal study diary.  It will nourish me and give me a good start as to my own personal worship for this Sunday which I hope will help me not waste a special Sunday opportunity.

 

 

 

I had a decision to make.  It had to do with getting Sheila home for Kaysville.  My first inclination was to have Richard pick her up and bring her home.  But then I realized that I would be trading having her with me for dinner or not having to drive up there by myself.  So off I went at about 2:30 and we got back home by 4:30.  Then we went to the Golden Corral for dinner.  All of that pretty much did me in for the day (along with all of the work I had done.) But she just came down and changed everything.  She said that she had texted Jeremy and surprise of surprises he responded and it looks like we will have a 'talk' tonight.  I feel a knot in my tummy and I am excited and scared about the possibilities.  That also now fills my mind and there isn't room for much else.  So I will end now and report later.  I hope that it will be momentously good.

I have stayed up well past 11 the last 2 nights.  And even though I really don't feel very tired because I just finished an hour on my bike and my 'juices' are flowing, I have decided to call it a day and begin my routine which should get me to bed earlier tonight.  That is a good thing.  The bad thing is that I, again, will be sleeping a lone.  Sheila is at Shelli's again, and that is a good thing.  But me being alone is a bad thing.  One, that I will endure for a greater purpose.  With her not being here I did get out of the house 3 times today, and even though I did watch some Olympics I did get some work done and some errands run.  So I feel better about my day in that respect.  My last trip out was to take the church keys to my co-called 'security person' and to go buy a kraut dog and a polish sandwich from Der Weinerschnitzel.  I expect that tomorrow night I will be taking Sheila to dinner, but who knows, that might not happen.  I get along okay without her, but it is obvious to me that I am different when she is not here.  The word that seems to fit is 'somber' or 'mellow' or 'pensive'.  Whatever the word is, it will be 'good' and 'happy' and 'complete' when she gets back.

I'm a different person when Sheila is not here.  Combine that with the Olympics on tv and I practically shut down.  I thought about doing more all day long.  But that's about as far as it went.  I did do a couple of good things, and circumstance didn't exactly lend themselves to me being productive, but I could and should have done more.  Our plans for the day were dictated by Shelli's unexpected change in that kidney stone operation.  It ended up being worse then they planned so she got home in much more pain then anticipated and in need of  much more help.  So Sheila stayed over another night and tomorrow is a question now too.  I support what my wife is doing, but I am surprised at how I have reacted to it all.  I feel good about it, but mostly I am sort of in a daze.  Time just floats by and I kind of 'float' with it.  We'll see if I can break out of this tomorrow.

 

Elder Porter is gone!  I still feel like it is the start of something for me too.  But today didn't seem like a very good start  to whatever 'it' is.

I almost forgot.  But Sheila called me and during our conversation I remembered that I had put off writing last night until this morning.  I dropped her off at Shelli's on the way home from Nicholas' setting apart and ice cream social.  Phil and Shelli are on the way to the hospital for the stone shattering and our future plans for the day are undecided.  I should have written last night to have a fresh memory, but I didn't get home until after 11 and I didn't even come downstairs.  I did determine to do my 55 for the last time.  And this morning I felt real good when I finished 56 for the first time.  A new month, and new era as 'I' am going on a mission today.  I explain:  when Nicholas was set apart he was addressed as Nicholas JAY Porter.  I felt something when that was said.  Somehow I felt like a small part of me was leaving with him.  I know I can't take credit for anything and I'm not.  I am just expressing what I felt at that moment and since.  There is a connection though small, but something is different it is a good something.  With him doing what he will be doing I hope to share some of it in a small, personal way.  I am not his mother, nor his father, but I am his grumpa and somehow I am better because of what is now happening in his life.