I was just about to leave to go over to the church.  It was just before 10 pm and Sheila asked me to go upstairs to have prayer with her so she could go to bed.  Now that is different.  I don't believe that in the last year there was but one, maybe two times that she has gone to bed before I did.  I know that this is a special circumstance though.  A couple of weeks ago Shelli had let us know that tomorrow 11-11-11 would be a grandparents day at, I think, Logan's school.  Being the good grandma that she is she figured out a way to go to work and also make it up to Kaysville for that luncheon.  She is going in at 5 am in order to get her job done and then make her way there.  This kinda reinforces some thoughts that I have had often and for a long time.  In a way they are negative, but in another way they are positive.  As to Sheila they are all positive.  She is just the best granny.  She is always thinking of the kids and the grand kids.  It is about me that I am thinking negative and positive.  The negative is that I am not that good.  I don't leave here much and I am this old recluse.  Today Sheila said that I have become less social over the years.  She did say that I can be really good when I am in a social situation, but that I don't venture out into those kinds of situations as often as I used to.  I really wonder about that.  Am I a hermit?  Do I do better in my solitude?  I wonder.  Anyway, there is a positive that I cling to.  If I didn't do what I do stuck here in my office just doing my thing in relative isolation then she couldn't do her thing being out and spreading her goodness around where ever.  I admit that that is a good and a bad feeling too.  My starfish deal sees that as a good thing.  I am making a difference 'to that one' even though my service is barely noticeable except to   Sheila.  The problem with all of this is that it is really easy to get down on myself because I'm not doing stuff that is noticeable to me.  I just don't see it as much.  It feels too convenient and too self-serving.  And I find that I am afraid of considering breaking out of my sheltered life.  I am where I belong and I don't really want to change the status quo. I do wonder 'is that all there is?' and I really don't know the answer to that question.  And of course I feel that I am the only one with those kinds of questions.  I believe that every body else has the answers.  Every one else knows where they are going.  They all have 'it' figured out.  But then I really don't believe that either.  But it would be nice to sit down and talk with someone who did. Maybe I can do that.  After all I do know who that is.  You do too!