We have had a real mild winter so far.  The snow plowers have been complaining about the lack of work.  The salt reserves have been only lightly hit and there has been left over $ in some government coffers that did get spent on plowing overtime.  We have had a few storms, but not much in the way of snow pack.   I don't know just how much this current storm will impact the situation, but it seems to be a major snow storm taking place right now.  It is forecast to run into Friday and it will affect everything including my work.  Me, I don't mind just being here in a warm home and admiring the winter weather through the windows.  And I have never really minded going out in to it if I have to.  But I don't see a need tomorrow to do so.  Now Sheila, she does have to venture out, but not too far, and I will allow her to stay home if she wants to, or maybe I will the driving for her it she wants me to.  I have written before that I am affected by the climate which meant that things around me do touch me.  Of course it is also true that the weather is one of those things.  The cold, the snow and all that comes with summer affects me.  I do try to avoid the extremes of both as much as I can.  Just let me stay inside and out of all of that and I tend to be a happier camper.  Usually snow is nice to look at and tolerable if it doesn't affect my work too much.  But if I were a rich man I just might live in a different place at least for the winter.

Snow birds anyone?

Well, little fritter is back home.  I just saw a picture of him in his bathtub at home.  I believe that he was wearing his ear thingys.  I thought that he couldn't get them wet.  I'll have to ask Shelli about that tomorrow.  It was a serious thing for him, but apparently he took it all in stride like it was no big deal.  He went home 'with oxygen', but still he seems to have skipped the terrible 4th and 5th days of the SVR run. I know that I don't see him everyday, but I think of him as a tough little cookie, and I can't wait for him to get bigger and just watch him as he grows up.  My day was okay.  I did have work to do, and tomorrow looks even better.  I'm just trying to keep on top of it all.  I just feel blessed to have a job where I can work and then stop whenever I feel tired and take a reading break or even a short nap break and then just walk downstairs to get back to work.  There are things that I have given up to have what I have, and if I had it all to do over I might do it differently.  But I avoid that kind of thinking and try to just deal with what is.  What might have been is a no win place to go.  Time to end my day and almost time for a new month.  Just 150 more push ups and it'll be March.

What a strange day.  Because Colton is in the hospital my day has been turned upside down.  That is not a complaint in any way.  It is simply an observation.  I am more then happy to be left here stranded while Sheila is away doing good things.  I even take pleasure in being here so that she can be there.  Isn't there a saying about they also serve who sit at home while the wife is away doing charitable things?

 

She was gone at 7 then she went again at 2 and she just got home just before 10:30 pm.  We haven't talked yet about tomorrow's schedule, but it'll probably be similar.  I will do the best that I can at orchestrating my work.  Today I had a situation come up where I needed to get a divorce paper served and no car and no one else around to help.  I believe that I was blessed to find Stan at home because his wife had some toe surgery or something like that so he bailed me out and got it handled for me.  That was the good part of my day, the bad part was eating my own cooking.  But I will live.  

 

Monday is normally slow in getting the week started, and today was that.  It takes time to build back up.  But now Monday is history and I look to tomorrow to be better and for me to be more productive. It's as though I have to learn my job all over again each week.  And by Tuesday I remember it pretty well.  Good Sundays seem to make me forget how to work hard.  Yesterday was a good Sunday so today was a primer day and I expect to be back to 'normal' tomorrow.  But right now I don't know how it will unfold.  That will be the subject of our discussion as soon as I finish with this entry and Sheila finishes spending the money that I paid us today.  It goes as soon as it comes, but at least it comes so it can go.

I've been upstairs all day until I came down just moments ago.  The first thing I did was find Colton's picture on Facebook where he is in the hospital. They have diagnosed him with RSV.  My wife did visit him and Shelli and says that Shelli is being brave.  But I know that she is fretting over this newest suffering of her little one.  I am not immune, but I also feel confident that in a few days he will be find and I believe that it will be for his good.  I don't 'know' how I can say that I just 'know' that I can say that.  Apparently there are lots of youngsters going through the same thing.  I wonder, is this a new disease that we just invented, or has it always been here without a new fancy name?  Either way I'd gladly take in on myself if that was a possibility, but that too is frivolous because it can not happen.

 

As for my day I feel pretty good.  I count my lesson as a success, but it has taken on surreality so I just acknowledge it and move on.  I am not even taking a moment to enjoy it. It only helps me realize my journey so I get back to that.  

 

Apparently my next couple of days will be affected by the little guy and his 'rsvp' so I'll handle it the best that I can.  What is the most important is an easy call.  I'm still trying to understand this 'living in the world, but not being of the world thing'.  It can be very confusing at times.

Today we attended the birthday party for the twins.  Imagine, four years old!  Every time us old people realize some new milestone it only tends to help us know how old we are.  I have to tell all of you youngsters that old age is not something that makes you feel old.  Oh, maybe the body does do that to you after several decades.  But that part of you where you think and where you feel doesn't change much and only recognizes that you are old because the calendar says so.  I still see life pretty much the same way that I did way back when.  That's not to say that I am still a kid and never grew up (some might argue that point) but all of this seems to have gone on around me and I just find myself in the midst of it all.  When you get old maybe you'll understand what I mean.  You might say that I ought to notice the difference in how I am now and how I was then.  But frankly I don't remember very much of my before.  I don't have time.  My now is way too much on my mind for that.  I simply go from day to the next day and decide my way through it with life happening all around me and to me, but it is like a dream only I am awake.  The days run into each other and the nights go by way too fast.  It seems like I am always trying to catch up.  Even a Sunday or a night's rest doesn't seem to let me catch up or catch my breathe.  I am always behind.  The word that keeps running through my mind is 'relentless'.  It just never stops or takes a break.  So when I do I only fall farther behind.  So after 65 years I know that I can not catch up.  That is a feeling that I am getting used to, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept.

Sure felt tired enough to sleep in this morning.  For some I did, but I still got into the office by 8am.  For a Friday I have been very busy.  Usually Friday is slower, but I have had plenty to do to prepare for tomorrow, and I did not get it all done today.  But I have put in a pretty full day so I'll leave it for morning.  Right not I might have 3 out to work and maybe only one.  I really don't know yet, but I have to proceed as if all 3 need my work.  As I say:  'it's better to have it and not need it, then to need it and not have it.'  For the most part I have been happy with myself today.  I did not have a perfect day though.  I do make some silly choices every once in a while.  It is worse when you really know better, and I really do know better.  I just know better then I do on occasion. As I look back on this past week I realize that I have kept so busy that I have not had much time for any 2nd or 3rd level stuff.  The pile on my desk continues to grow without any opportunity to whittle it down.  I don't have much hope of that tomorrow either.  There is the twins birthday party and my BYU sports on tv.  I need to put some more time into pondering my lesson for Sunday.  But I do plan to get work done.  I have more then usual for a Saturday.  In fact, I have lots of tasks like taxes and my health sign up and my blood pressure monitor that I have put off for such a long time.  Not to say anything about some stuff around the house and the office that I put on my list long ago, but have done nothing about since.  I do feel quite overwhelmed.   Sometimes I just wish I could take a day off or a vacation from myself. 

It's just after 11 and I'm just getting to this.  I still have my tie on and even my Sunday shoes which I will be glad to get off in a very few minutes when I finish here.  Now that I think about it I will be as relieved to get off my tie as my shoes.  We have been out on the town.  Sharon and Johnny invited us to a freebe dinner and a play at the Hale Theater.  We got there at 6 and out at almost 10:30pm.  We apparently were 2nd choice to Sherri and Russ, but it didn't cost us anything.  We DID enjoy ourselves although I started to remember what claustrophobia felt like.  Funny, my feet don't hurt right now, but they sure did there.  We say Zorro, the musical.  I do admit that I enjoyed it.  It was also fun for me to she Sheila all decked out in the fancy outfit that I got for her last Friday.   I was a little 'high' getting home, but now that I have studied my work situation my fatigue is creeping in on all sides.  I need a drink of cold water and I need to work on getting to bed.  First the shoes and then the tie!

 

I feel badly for Cortney.  At least I did for a short time.  But for her to even play in a game like today is so much more then most of us have ever done.  And being an old person like myself I have seen so many games, and yet not hardly a one that did not have a loser and a winner.  I know about hitching your dreams to something that ends up differently then you hope, but after doing that a million times give or take you kinda get used to it.  I guess that the only real game you can't lose is this game of life, family and personal striving to find our Heavenly home.  And that one can only be lost if you chose to lose it.  Just keeping at it is all that is required.  So I say to myself and to Cortney don't sweat the small stuff.

 

As I wrote last night:  work, work and more work.  Taking off time to follow my grand daughter was a treat.  But the work pays the bills and helps keep me sane.  So I just keep going day after day.  But I really do understand the real game that I am in.  And I try each day to make it the 'context' and 'frame of reference' for every thing else that I do.  My focus is on that 'reunion' and I look forward to being there with all of the people that I love.  Every thing else just doesn't matter very much.

Today was all messed up.  I took my evening hours in the afternoon, and I spent more time in the evening working then relaxing.  I looked at my work and decided to rest, but then it all turned around when Richard got here around 4:30.  The drought was over.  All of a sudden I needed to go into a hyper-work mode because I finally had papers to turn into work to give to my guys.  So I put off dinner for w time and got stuff prepared.  It seems even more tiring to go from play to work then vice versa.  So I am really tired now and I don't get to sleep in in the morning.  Then I will be under the gun again because I'll have to get stuff prepared again with hopes of doing all I can until we leave for Cortney's next game at 2:30 in the afternoon.  Now I am feeling the pressure.  But its better to have the work and not get it all done right away then to not have enough and spend time trying to be productive outside of the office.  I did do that today.  I read and studied a lot, but I was glad to see the work finally show up.  My topsy turvy schedule did throw me a bit off of my game today.  I feel out of synch and like I have to force myself to do the work.  Tomorrow will be a challenge again.  It seems that Cortney's ball games take me far away to a better place, but they do end and reality does sneak its way back to the forefront.  And as much as I enjoy life I start to wonder about how it might be different one day.  I'm not complaining, but I figure that one day something better is going to come along.  It might not be in this life, but its out there.  And in my quiet moments I do wonder about it more and more as I get closer to it.

Well, going to Cortney's game this morning changed my whole day.  I was really out of the mood to do any work.  Add that to today being a holiday and that Richard hadn't made it back to the office from last Friday and not only did I not have much work to do the stuff that I could have done had absolutely appeal to me.  I got back home and I just sat around for the rest of the day.  Because the girls had their sisters luncheon we did have the grand kids for over four hours and that was a nice plus for the day.  But now I have officially put off any work in my office until tomorrow and I am going to end my day by doing some reading and studying up in my bedroom.  Oh, Cortney's team did win their game.  Being there to watch her play and having Sheila and many others from the family did make for a very fulfilling day.  And I can forgive myself the office work left undone because it was a court holiday.  But the rest of the week will be busier.  There will be another game on Wednesday and 2 more if they keep on winning.  Tomorrow will be a crucial day for me to catch up on stuff.  I need to get off to a good start in the morning.  I actually do have lots hanging over me what with taxes and medical stuff and a lesson to prepare in addition to my work which will now be fitted into about 3 days instead of the normal five.  Sheila will be back to her morning work schedule tomorrow too.  So our alarm will be set for 6am.  Our vacation is over!

Jonah looking like grumpa.  We laughed.  He looked so old.  Thank you Cicily for sending that along to us.  It was a great way to finish our day.  We were finally able to print it off so I will have it to look at some more when I finish here and go upstairs to get ready for bed.  I really was surprised at how different he looks, but those suspenders....

 

We have had a good Sunday.  Not perfect, but actually very good.  Its times like this that makes me want to have another Sunday in a row, but this time I am looking forward to Monday and Cortney's game.  It'll be even better because it seems that there will be more of the family there with us.  That will be really nice.  It may even get me out of going shopping tomorrow because of the drop-ins.  Not to worry wifee it will happen tomorrow or sometime soon.  It will happen.  I have written it and so I am committed.  

 

I expect that tomorrow night I will have more neat things to record after our Monday.  Stay tuned it should be a good read.

I feel like I have overdosed on BYU.  First I watched the women basketball. Then the men basketball.  Finally I just finished the men's volleyball match.  I am done in.  But 3 wins.  And, yes, I know how blessed I am to have a wife that allowed that to happen for me.  I have been able to enjoy being a lazy bum all day long.  And, yes, even doing that is hard work.  Again I have come to the end of my energy as I come to the end of my day.  My next 'event' will be Cortney's game on Monday.  At least that will get me out of the house!  My work day wasn't a total bust.  I did drive to the post office and finish the book work for this week.  I was able to close out my checkbook for week # seven of 2012.  So far I am on schedule and that's more then I can say for a lot of 2011.  There were times last year that I was 2 sometimes 3 weeks behind.  So far so good for 2012.  I do realize that I traded my games for other stuff that I could have done.  But that was my choice.  I don't and won't often have that opportunity, so I took it.  The fact that Monday coming is a court holiday takes a lot of the pressure off.  It is supposed to snow tomorrow.  I'll see how much that will affect my day.  Again I will have choices to make.  My Sunday record isn't exactly my best.  I leave Sunday choices unchosen all the time. And I am pretty liberal in my definitions to start with.  But the older I get the more guilt I feel when I let a Sunday go by unused for it's Sunday purposes.  Tomorrow will be an opportunity that I ought not to waste.  A little. okay, but the whole day, no I will do better.  So now as I end my Saturday it seems that Sheila at least got postponed for a while, but I will do right by her too.  I tell her that my goal is to help her learn to be patient.  (As if me and 24 grand kids haven't already taught her that quality!)

Maybe I do have a good reason to be so tired right now.  It's 10:30 p.m. on a Friday night and the fact that it is the end of my work week is reason enough.  But today I did extend myself.  Besides, I feel like I am coming down with a cold.  But it was the 'extend' that was the extraordinary expenditure of energy.  It was a good 'expenditure', but extraordinary none the less.  I had invited Sheila to go out and finish a few errands and then we would go shopping for her to get a couple of new outfits.  After she regained consciousness we were off and I actually spent maybe 1 and almost 2 hours waiting of her, and critiquing our choices and being her fashion guru.  She actually came home with 2 new outfits.  I called it our 'shock and awe' experience.  You'll have to see her new stuff.  You have to like it.  I mean that you most certainly will like it.  Then we went out to dinner with Sheila's siblings and enjoyed ourselves.  I figure I ate more then normal and I have been vegetating since.  I'm sure that that contributing to my state of energylessness too.  Whatever, I am quite wiped out.  I hope to recharge and also overcome my situation so maybe I will take some emergen-c before I go to bed.  Sheila said that now we need to go and buy me something to wear tomorrow.  I have said that I do need stuff.  So maybe a couple of shirts would be nice.  Maybe I'll put it off too.  Somehow right now doing nothing on this Saturday appeals to me more then doing something.  We'll see who or what wins.

My day has been pretty laid back.  I chose to sit upstairs and do a lot of reading and when I read I do tend to snooze some.  But it was so cold down here, and I chose not to do some of the work that I could have done.  I don't feel too badly about it though.  I did what had to be done, and my study time is important to me too.  For almost two weeks my work has been doing really well, but today it didn't.  I could fret and worry, but my work never does what I expect or want it to do anyway.  I try to live in another world which makes this world somewhat irrelevant. I know that sounds weird, but it is that 'in the world, but now of the world' thing and it makes some sense to me.  But it is hard to do, and can't be a 100 % thing either.  Some stuff just has to be attended too.  The trick is to find that balance and I try.  I haven't found it yet, but I have been flirting with it for a long time. Life is weird enough without that, but add that in and it really gets weird.  It really brings on that 'spectator' feeling for me.  You know, that sensation of you just being there watching your life go on without you, or at least, going out in spite of you.  Ever felt that way?  Maybe I'm crazier then I thought I was.  But I still contend that life is a funny thing, and I don't even pretend to have it all figured out.  For now I am just glad that it seems like it will keep on happening for some time yet which means that no matter how badly I mess up today I will still have a tomorrow to try and to better.  You know, each new day does bring something new and unique, but it also repeats a lot of things as if to say that we need to keep on trying until we get it right.

I saw the tournament schedule online today that had Bonneville scheduled to play Olympus next Monday.  So I did a little research and now I predict that Cortney and company are favored to defeat Olympus and move on the the state tournament.  Of course, this is all 'on paper', but the odds are pretty good.  Bonneville is 18 and 3 and Olympus is 10 and 10.  Also, they did meet once during the season and Bonneville won the game 45 to 28.  Cortney had her best assist game of the season then.  Looking at 'head to head' match-ups gives the edge to Bonneville as well.  So Cort this should be a win if you play the way that you are capable of playing.  BUT, don't be fooled into complacency figuring that all you have to do is to show up.  Take this opportunity seriously.  Its a bigger stage and an opportunity for your team to answer the call, but don't get cocky and over confident.  You know better then that, so do your very best and play your very hardest, and your smartest.  This is really the best time for you to focus and to have fun.  We are looking forward to it as we know you are.  Remember there is no 'I' in team.  You got here as a team and from here on you will win and/or lose as a team.  Go out there and make you some memories.

My Cortney was the leading scorer in her game tonight where her team ended up winning by a narrow 5 points.  They finished their region play at 10-0!  While she was doing that we were eating fine food and splurging a bit on chocolate.  But it is a good ending to my day.  I have tried to be real balanced today.  I worked.  I read and studied.  I napped, and I froze down here in this cold basement.  The most fun was finding out about her game and the food and the reading pretty much tied for 2nd place.  The work was next and although I enjoyed my naps that was the least of all of the fun things that I did today.  Being Valentine's Day was nice, but it really wasn't much of a part of today.  Our dinner was all decked out in hearts and stuff, but in our relationship today was pretty much the same as the other days.  It was that good!  The other day I started a new book and I have really enjoyed the reading and pondering of it all.  It is by Dallin H. Oaks:  The Lord's Way.  I've had it for a long time and I read it once years ago.  So it seems like a new book to me and has been quite 'delicious' to me as I have been reading.  Right now I don't feel any pressure to get to sleep and up early so I will try and get some more reading done as I close my day.  Sheila had to watch this show about the 19 kids (maybe coming on to 20) and her routine will keep her up until at least 11.  She said that she had to frost a cake for this funeral tomorrow.  So I will finish down here and go up where it is warm and snuggle up with my book.

So tomorrow is Valentine's Day.  We have been playing this game asking each other what we would like for that holiday.  But we both know that we will probably not get each other anything.  This group of of old folks in our ward will be getting together for a dinner.  This is a FHE group that has been going for a couple of years now.  It has been a mean and a lesson, but I figure that tomorrow it will turn into some kind of romantic thing with a chocolate fountain and hearts and flowers for decorations and we will be asked about our being together and how we met and stuff like that.  Sheila has already told me I can't use my squiggy story again.  And I haven't come up with anything clever so I don't know how well I will fare.  The others are into chocolates and flowers and probably jewelry and cupid and cards and I am into none of that.  For me it will just be good food and the temptation for to overeat rich food.  My sweet wife is used to me by now so she doesn't get hung up when I don't deliver.  I still am human though so I feel a little bit bad when I see other guys do stuff, but me, I am just not romantic, at least not in any conventional way.  Heck, I don't even always open the car door for my wife.  I see our life and I see the division of labor that we have established.  It does make us different then most other couples, but it works for us.  (I do sometimes take out the garbage!)

Anyway, I figure that you can't make up for a year in one day, and if you do it all year long then one day doesn't make it any more real.  So we'll see how Valentine's Day goes for us tomorrow. 

I feel guilty that my Sunday wasn't more 'Sunday productive'.  We did go to stake conference and that even made it more so.  I dreamed of coming home and doing great amounts of church service on the computer.  Instead I spent some time with my wife and no 'church work'.  I almost took a nap and I let Sheila feed me the special lobster tail that she bought for me yesterday.  Now we have watched our show together and I am pretty much done for the day.  I will probably do little reading and my night routine, but for the most part my Sunday is done.  I feel like I should have done something more special, but I didn't.  That is not an unusual thing for me.  In fact, most days leave me feeling like I should have done something more then I did.  I wish that I could see that as a good thing, you know, high expectations and real results or something like that.  But it bothers me to think that I have left a lot of days unfulfilled.  I wonder if I am alone or if others feel that way some time.  Stake conference was good, and I felt touched and inspired and maybe a little inclined to forgive even myself, but it also goes the other way:  even higher expectations and lower tolerance of failure.  So the beat goes on.  I feel good, yet like so much more is expected of me with no way of understanding just what it is or how it is to be accomplished.  It is pretty normal for this Mormon boy to feel that way.  I believe the the gospel lends itself to that.  It is built in.  But that doesn't make it any easier to live with.  Maybe is is a way to make sure that humility is never very far away.  If so, that's good,  But I'd hope that the older I got the better I got.  It seems the opposite. I only hope I can live long enough to make up in some way for the things that I have left undone.  Doesn't seem like it though with the days accumulating the way that they are.  It would take eternity to do the job, but then that is just what I have, an eternity to do the job!

Even as I am forming my thoughts in my mind about what I am going to write about I am already 2nd guessing myself.  I was going to start by saying what a good Saturday it has been.  But then I questioned myself and started wandering to other good days this week, and whether or not it was as good as I thought.  But stop it!  Today, right now, looking back at today I feel real good about my day.  We were able to sleep in.  When I did get up and go to the post office I didn't get in any more money, but I was able to close out my week anyway and actually catch up to my 6 week total after doing two weeks ago to a third of what I needed.  So now I am back on track and Sheila was able to pay ahead some and still put some money into savings.  I also have Richard's Monday all set.  I did do enough office work to be on top of things and then I was able to get a shower and a shave so my BYU game wouldn't hurry me as far as getting dinner and ready for stake conference.  BYU handily won and actually turned it into a boring game.  Oh, I told Sheila that I would have to mention me surprising her when I chose sloppy joes for dinner.  If she's had had to bet she would have placed her money on most anything else.  I am still able to surprise her after 43 years, and I think that that is a good thing.  As soon as we finished eating we had just enough time to change and get to the stake center.  The meeting was pretty average, but it did end on a good note, and even being average was worth the time and effort.  (I wonder how would have felt if my game had been at a time that conflicted with it.) So now I end my day worrying about getting up 'early' for a 10 am session.  I am having a little struggle with myself, but the right thing to do is to get up and go.  Then we'll have the whole rest of the day to ourselves.  That will be my real challenge to see how well I deal with that.

I looked forward to being able to spend time with Sheila today. As it worked out Richard would be spending the entire work day down South so Kathy could help out her mom and family.  So as I have done when this happened before, I took over his uptown rounds so he could be down South all day.  This gave me a chance to be out and about driving with my co-pilot and I tried to make the most of it. When we are here at home she has lots of stuff like service projects and laundry and other house work to do so she stays upstairs and I come down to my office and watch tv or muddle around in the office.  So our time doing the rounds and then going out to dinner was together time which is the best part of my day.  Right now there is a Jazz game coming on, but I don't know if I will stay up late to watch it.  (It is starting at 15 to 9.)  I get to the end of my work week and it's as though I breathe a big sigh of relief knowing that the pressure is pretty much off for 2 days.  It is our Stake Conference week end so that will be a good 'feed' for us.  (I am talking about being 'fed' spiritually.)  There was a time many, many years ago when this would be a weekend to slack off, but now it is something I actually look forward to.  We talked about Cortney today and are both find joy in what she and her team have been able to do:  region champions.  Then Sharon was teaching a class tonight that she was nervous about.  We are happy for her in that too and look forward to hearing about how it went.  There are a lot of good things going on in her life too as well as in the rest of the kids and their kids.  It is sometimes a little hard to keep up with it all, but in all of our doing that is the most important thing for us to keep track of.  From Sherri to little Jonah they are all very special to us and the center of our lives.

I am sitting in a pretty good position right now.  I feel like my work week is over even though Friday still has to play out.  I have had a good week business wise and I am quite thrilled with the results of my own special point guard's team with 2 victories this week.  I didn't even have to look it up tonight because Sherri called me to give me the good news right after it ended.  She said that Cortney had her best game of the year and led her team with 21 points!!!!  That puts Bonneville in 1st place in their region with one more game to play next Tuesday.  I am glad its only parents that shouldn't try to live through the exploits of their kids.  With grandparents its okay.  So Cort, thanks for the thrill of victory.  I read Shelli latest entry on her blog.  Boy, its always something to test them.  We are so pleased with Colton's progress, but he does continue to be tested.  I guess that none of us are without our tests.  That's just the way life is designed.  If I could take it all away I would, but I can't.  So the word is just hang in there.  Seek for the good and accept the rest as it comes, and know that it will work out.  It really will.  Sheila and I look at all of our children.  We hurt for them sometimes and rejoice with them sometimes.  But one truth about our lives is that there is always, always many who are so much worse off then we are.  It is a strange thing this mortal experience.  Some day we will look back on it and talk about how our journey was.  It will be a most interesting opportunity to see this as our history and realize how fast it went and how it really wasn't all that bad because of what it made of us.  Knowing that now is a priceless gift that most of our fellows simply do not have.  Let us be grateful for the truths that we have been blessed with and see if for the wonderful opportunity that it is.

I don't want to write tonight either, but I have to do it because I basically took the night off last night.  I did get up early this morning and first thing when I got into the office was I did check on Cortney's game.  They did win again.  It made me want to go watch her play again, but tomorrow night they are back up near Logan again, and their last game next Tuesday is on the same night as out Valentine's Day FHE dinner.  So right now we will plan to go to her games in the state tournament which starts, I believe, on the 20th.

 

I wanted to write about a question that I asked myself after our dinner at The Roof on Monday night and the general authority sighting.  I had thought 'does Heavenly Father love Brother Holland more then He loves me?'  I had made a complicated thing of it even though I know that the answer actually is 'no'.   It did bring many other questions to my mind too. It is all a part of this self examination that I am, and have been going through for several months now.  I wonder if others are as hard on themselves as I am on me.  Obviously I know myself so well so I see my failings and I really make it easy to get down on myself with some of the decisions that I make.  Lately I have felt so good with the spirit and all, and it is something special that I have grown into feeling, but I worry about maintaining it.  I have done lots of thinking about my life and how I am doing.  I am encouraged, but then I do see myself clearly and I wonder where I might be if I had chosen differently.  It is such a confusing task this deep self evaluation.  I'd like to just let it slide, but it seems to be necessary for me if I'm serious about my goals, and I believe that I am serious.  I know enough to want to know more, and I have become something enough that I want to become all.  I know that is is possible, but my weaknesses do keep getting in the way.  Today seemed typical to this feeling.  I had my plans all laid out.  I had 'orchestrated' my day at least 3 different times, but life kept changing on me and I had to do it over again and again.  So now like most nights I end my day with sort of an incomplete feeling.  Could have done more, maybe should have done more, but too tired to do anything about it right now.  But glad that a new day is just on the horizon.  So I look to it with hope that I will do better.  But I also have to find good from today too.  It is there if I look.  So it seems that there is a balance of living in the past, the present and looking to the future that I haven't quite figured out yet.  I am doing better then when I was a kid, but there is so much still before me for me to learn and experience.  I have to learn how to appreciate all of the past the present and the future, which I will do now that I know that that is part of the task.

I have decided to go to bed early.  I almost fell asleep sitting in my chair in our bedroom just now, so I am going to put checking in on Cortney;s game until morning and put off writing the story about me and Brother Holland until later and just go to bed.  (of course after my chapter and my 50 and a couple of prayers)  I don't necessarily look forward to sleep but to thought.  I have felt real good today and have lots on my mind to review and ponder on.  

On our way home from dinner Sheila asked me if I was happy to start on another year.  I said that I didn't think of it that way. Our life together just was, and would continue to be.  A date would come around every year which would be a reason to spend $100 to recognize it, but 'us' was and would always be.  We were on the way home from 'the roof' where we had a wonderful buffet dinner.  We were joined by Todd Christofferson, and by Jeffery Holland and his wife as well as Sherry Dew.  There were some others there but we didn't recognize all of them.  When I walked by Brother Holland I compared and found that he is only about my height and not this 'giant' as I have pictured him to be.  In fact, I may have been slightly taller then him, but I didn't get close enough to be sure.  Sheila said that we could have approached them and shook their hand, but it was the right thing not to.  So now here we are in our 44th year.  And feeling quite comfortable about ourselves.  And feeling okay about coming back to normal and back to eating 'normal' food.  My story that I have told expressing how romantic I am, the one about me squiggying the shower, well, she told me that I can't use that one anymore. So I have to think up or remember a whole new one.  I figure that there is something romantic somewhere in 43 years.  But right  not I can't think of what it is.  I always like the 'squiggy' one and used it in more then one Priesthood lesson.  Now I probably have a week until this Valentine's Day dinner with some other old foagys in  our ward.  We both figure we'll be asked to do something then.  What can I possibly say?  Actually, this month of February actually looks to be quite interesting.  Several things will be going on.  Who knows, maybe that 'whatever' that I have been waiting for for so long  might just happen to.  I still don't know what it is, but if it does come in February I will know it when I see it.

It's really cold down here.  I haven't been here all day and I want to get done quickly so I can finish my day and go to bed.  I fasted today all the way up to 5:30 when we had our dinner.  Sheila had prepared lot of food for our FHE and we had lent because we only had us and Sherri and family and Sharon and family plus Johnny and Colton and Dalton and Shelli and family.  We did watch the Super Bowl and got along famously with one Giant's fan and several Patriot's fans.  Then we had a lesson and then Hunter's birthday cake with ice cream.  That was a busy, hectic and quite cordial day which was preceded by a better then average visit at the church for the 3 hour block.  I hope to review and remember the events of this day and also build some equally fine memories tomorrow on out 43rd wedding anniversary.  The news of this day was quite chilling and heart wrenching.  A reminder to me of the finest and the worst that makes up this journey in mortality.  But mostly a reminder of the great and wonderful blessings that are ours with a firm hope for even greater things to come as we pursue the 'right way of the Lord'. 

It has been a pretty laid back Saturday for me.  My dear wife, on the other hand, has been under a lot of pressure to get done what she wants to do for our FHE tomorrow night.  She called me upstairs earlier today and had me close my eyes and then led me into the family/living room.  I knew that she had purchased some slip covers, but I hadn't seen them.  She sought for my approval and even though I am more apathetic about things like that I gave her my honest opinion which was that I liked them.  They do change the feeling of the room in a positive way and do look nice.  We'll know soon (tomorrow night) what many of the family think about them.  I figure they will like them, or be nice and say that they do.  Outside of going to the post office this morning I have been here all day.  I put some time in the office, and some time into some studying in my 'studying' chair in our bedroom, and I have watched more ball games then normal.  I was happy to see both BYU and the Jazz win.  I watched North Carolina because of the young man who plays for them who is planning a mission after this school year.  He's not a star on the court, but in another way he does impress me.  I see that all around us.  Good people doing good things for good reasons.  Sheila and I did have an opportunity to have kind of a study session as well today.  Being able to talk about and share the gospel with her is really one of my most favorite things. We also talked about 43 years plus together.  Wow, it thrills me and is 'delicious to the taste'.  If it is this good now imagine what 45 and then 50 and beyond years will be like.  She is certainly the best part of everything.  (And I told her that I wasn't romantic!)

I ate my dinner with chopsticks tonight.  We decided to do something a little nicer (and more expensive) in honor of our anniversary this coming Monday so we went to the Mikado.  We didn't go to the one downtown where we made a family memory many, many years ago (do any of you remember what I'm talking about?)  Now there is one over by the South Towne Mall and we went there.  It was a tasty meal and we had tempura fried ice cream for desert.  Now as I have been relaxing and watching BYU get beaten in volleyball I notice that the week has caught up with me and I am quite exhausted and ready to go to bed.  Sheila will be up for some time with the amigos upstairs.  Me, I need to go go sleep.  I am going to try to be creative and do something for our 43rd every day, but I will try not to spend any money doing it.  That is until Monday when I have thought about another out to dinner and maybe even shopping for clothes for both of us.  (Did I actually write that?!)  I did have a real good inspiration moment today.  I defined 'wisdom' in a new way that was an epiphany for me.  I know that those are really personal things and may not mean anything for anyone else, but it was valuable for me.  I don't know all of what tomorrow will bring.  And for now I will put off thinking about it until then.  Right now I am sure glad that I don't have my turn checking the church tonight.  I just want to go to sleep.

Cortney's team won. My team won.  And here I am still up after 11. And I think that my wife has gone to bed because 11 is about her limit on nights before work days that she has to get up at 6.  I wake up when her alarm goes off, but I usually go back to sleep and don't get up until after 7 or maybe 7:30.  (Now that's really sleeping in.)  Tomorrow Marv will be here around 7:30 so I will have to be up and ready when he gets here.  Before my game started tonight I finished up his work so it is ready, but I need to be up and here to get him started off properly in the morning.  It will be Friday tomorrow.  Seems like it just was Friday a few days ago.  Friday, then the weekend, my, how time flies.  My week as been down from last week, but still quite busy.  I tried to make sure that today was balanced with a bit of everything.  I read.  I pondered.  I napped.  I worked.  I watched some tv.  I watched some Mormon videos.  And I listened to Mormon Channel music all day long.  I barely made it through my 50 this morning.  Its funny how just one more push up seems like so much more.  It will take a few times and I will master the new number.  That's the way things work.  You keep doing what you do and lengthen your stride, quicken your pace and extend your vision a little bit at a time.  Before long there is progress.  It comes so slowly and quietly that you hardly notice and then one day you look and you're doing 50 of then twice a day.

I almost missed having to go over to the church.  But I stayed up late anyway because the Jazz game didn't come on until 8:30.  Before that my wife had actually sat with me down here in my office for 3 hours.  She came down a few minutes ago and had prayer with me and is now in bed.  I still have my reading and my push ups and normally some time for pondering before I go to bed.  I find it interesting that I have turned into this night owl where not long ago I was going to bed some times before 9.  I do rest during the night but I am thinking a lot too and I really enjoy the time that I am able to do that.  During the day I don't seem to get too much time to just think.  Either I am working or I watch tv and get dumber.  Today I did take time to read more in the latest Ensign and that time made me smarter.  This afternoon I discovered the Mormon Channel and watched the old BYU movie 'Johnny Lingo'.  If you have never seen it look it up and watch it.  It is really about the 1st really good thing the BYU motion picture studio did way back then.  I also changed from my regular Yourldsradio to listening to the streaming music on the Mormon Channel.  It has been even better background music that I have enjoyed this evening and right now.  For staying up so late (for me) I really feel energetic right now.  That is because I did my full hour on my bike while watching the Jazz and that went from almost 9:30 to almost 10:30.  So my juices are still flowing a bit.  But I know that I'll slow down here shortly and kinda crash and be ready to go to bed.  Today is February 1st so I started my day with 50.  I'll end my day the same way.  Funny how I get to or near my number and run out of gas.  I barely make it, but I do make it.  I do remember when I was doing 5 then 10, 20 on up.  Here I am now at 50.  Amazing for an old man.  Sometimes I sit thinking about it too long, and sometimes I get right to it.  But so far except for the 2 times I used pain as an excuse I have been faithful for over 4 years now.  It is what I now call one of my personal commandments.  You may hear more about that at a later date.  Remember:  personal commandments.