I don't want to write tonight either, but I have to do it because I basically took the night off last night.  I did get up early this morning and first thing when I got into the office was I did check on Cortney's game.  They did win again.  It made me want to go watch her play again, but tomorrow night they are back up near Logan again, and their last game next Tuesday is on the same night as out Valentine's Day FHE dinner.  So right now we will plan to go to her games in the state tournament which starts, I believe, on the 20th.

 

I wanted to write about a question that I asked myself after our dinner at The Roof on Monday night and the general authority sighting.  I had thought 'does Heavenly Father love Brother Holland more then He loves me?'  I had made a complicated thing of it even though I know that the answer actually is 'no'.   It did bring many other questions to my mind too. It is all a part of this self examination that I am, and have been going through for several months now.  I wonder if others are as hard on themselves as I am on me.  Obviously I know myself so well so I see my failings and I really make it easy to get down on myself with some of the decisions that I make.  Lately I have felt so good with the spirit and all, and it is something special that I have grown into feeling, but I worry about maintaining it.  I have done lots of thinking about my life and how I am doing.  I am encouraged, but then I do see myself clearly and I wonder where I might be if I had chosen differently.  It is such a confusing task this deep self evaluation.  I'd like to just let it slide, but it seems to be necessary for me if I'm serious about my goals, and I believe that I am serious.  I know enough to want to know more, and I have become something enough that I want to become all.  I know that is is possible, but my weaknesses do keep getting in the way.  Today seemed typical to this feeling.  I had my plans all laid out.  I had 'orchestrated' my day at least 3 different times, but life kept changing on me and I had to do it over again and again.  So now like most nights I end my day with sort of an incomplete feeling.  Could have done more, maybe should have done more, but too tired to do anything about it right now.  But glad that a new day is just on the horizon.  So I look to it with hope that I will do better.  But I also have to find good from today too.  It is there if I look.  So it seems that there is a balance of living in the past, the present and looking to the future that I haven't quite figured out yet.  I am doing better then when I was a kid, but there is so much still before me for me to learn and experience.  I have to learn how to appreciate all of the past the present and the future, which I will do now that I know that that is part of the task.