I must still be alive because I am typing this.  I actually feel quite wonderful, but I am also very, very tired.  When I got home about 11:00 from the audit I felt so good that there was no way I could sit down to work.  I had tried to get caught up the night before, not knowing how long it would last, but if I had felt like working I'm sure that I could have found something to do.  But I did not feel like working.  I felt so relieved, like that huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  I've thought a lot about the interview since and I have concluded that I must have come across okay, but that he needed to show something so we 'agreed' that we need to pay $500 because I can't deduct for taking Sheila out to dinner.  There were a couple of other things too, but all in all it wasn't anything like what I imagined it might have been.  I still believe what I told him; that taxes are a 'game' and most folks can never keep up with everything.  He seemed to agree with me and I think that he just wanted to get something and let me get on my way.  Then this evening when Richard finally got here he brought in so much new work that I am burdened.  I did apply myself to get the 'urgent' stuff done, but I am leaving the rest of it until tomorrow when I can start fresh and refreshed.  Tomorrow is the beginning of a new month and I feel it is a new start for me too.  I am a new man, ready and willing to begin a new path of sorts.  It just all feels different now.  The problems in my live haven't all gone away, but now that 'that' problem has gone away (or will as soon as we get the check in the mail with the appropriate paperwork) I am free to buckle down and just do what needs doing.  And even though I still see my life as a humongous task hanging over  me I feel relief that I got 'that one' out of the way.

I'd like to be able to say that it doesn't bother me at all.  But I can tell that I'm not quite normal right now.  I do feel pretty positive about it, but then it also has so much that is unknown that it is perfectly understandable that it bothers me.  I am talking about my visit in the morning to the IRS.  I am as prepared as I can be.  I've spent literally hours and hours preparing, and even more just pondering about it and trying to consider everything so I can be prepared.  I hope that I have all that I will need to make my case.  I have gone through their instructions and have gone even beyond what they asked for.  I have been trying to understand how I am feeling and I believe that I hit it on the head when I told myself that it feels that same as when I have gone to the dentist, or maybe some of those meetings when I was losing my Constable-ship.  I made it through those and I figure I will make it through this.  But it does sit there before me as a big road block- like I can't see past tomorrow morning.  It has the potential of changing a lot, but it might also be a 'whimper'.  (I'm hoping for a 'whimper', but it will be what it will be.  All I can do is prepare well and then 'go forward in faith'.  Come to think of it, I wish it was the dentist, but then not, because we can't afford that.  I hope that we will be able to afford this. 

I made a mistake.  BYU won that 5th set by a score of 15-10, not 15-13 like I wrote.  It was such a good match that I watched that 5th set over twice today.  It was almost as exciting the 2nd and 3rd time as it was the 1st time.  It was a nice diversion from my work which took up most of my day until Sheila got home after her 6 hour work shift.  She recently turned down an invitation to apply for a six hour shift for the rest of this year and next year.  She had turned down the offer and today reaffirmed that decision. She only did it because she was asked to substitute for just today. I know what she is talking about because I too suffer from old age and feel the effects of my efforts, especially when something extra-ordinary comes along.  Here it is a Friday again, and my 5 day work week has had its usual affect and I am quite tired and looking forward to a less stressful and less work-filled weekend.  I do enjoy my down time because it gives me an opportunity to ponder, even study, and I have several ideas that I want to spend time on.  This computer makes it so easy and productive.  All I need to do is type in 'narrow neck of land' and there are articles galore on my current subject of interest for me to study and think about.  After a discussion with our home teachers the other night I found information that shows a different conclusion then was given then.  I won't come out and tell him he was wrong--or maybe I will.  He can take it, and it will open up other stuff that we can discuss.  This is a whole new idea for me to try and explore.  I am putting some effort into where the history of The Book of Mormon actually took place.  I find it fun to ponder and discuss, especially since I don't have to take it too seriously because it doesn't matter where, just that it did take place.  That I know, the other falls under the 'nice to know' category.   I am also trying to get to know this guy that I have become.  T V appeals to me less and less.  Even my nap time is filled up with deep thought and I find so much that I want to learn.  If I was only this motivated back when I was actually in college....  It is so much fun for me to discover new ideas.  They come to me from almost everywhere and almost anytime.  My thirst for knowledge is insatiable.  I consider it all spiritual nourishment and it is as good as our visit to the Golden Coral was for us tonight.  Maybe it is a perk of our old age empty nester era of out lives.  Whatever, it brings me great satisfaction.  Add that to being able to enjoy the 'rejoicing' part that comes from being a grandparent and I am in a pretty special time of my life.

So, BYU men's volleyball team is in their conference tournament.  They are the number 1 seed, but nearly laid an egg last Saturday night against the number 8, Hawaii, but squeaked it our in 5: 15-13. Then tonight they play UCLA the number 4 seed.  BYU loses the 1st 2 sets and is down, but, miracle of miracles, they come back again and win 15-13 in the 5th set!  I had switched channels a few times figuring that it was over, but they showed enough to give me hope so I hung in there until the end, which hardly ever seemed a sure thing, but in the end the whole place (they were playing at home) was rocking and they all went crazy when the last pint was scored.  Now that it is over I am starting to feel spent.  But you know, maybe it shows that I am not as old as I think.  Sure, physically I am, but when I can sit at home and watch it is a good thing.  I was going to write 'just watch', but I wasn't just watching.  I was in to it (except for the times when I gave up and changed the channel).  I have come a long way in dealing with my disappointment when 'they' lose, but I also do enjoy it when 'they' win.  It adds something, but I still need to temper it against those things which really matter.  I think that I do that pretty well now, after all these years, and virtually thousands of games, won and lost.

 

Before the match my day was very full.  Haven't had this much work in a long time.  It is a good thing too, but as with the games, I value other things more then my work.  I feel very blessed there too.  But there is the rub.  There are so many wonderful going on that it makes me focus on what I can and ought to be doing (not to 'earn' them, but just because of who I ought to be) and I don't see me 'there' yet.  But I am working on it, and I really believe that I am so  much closer then I have been.  There is satisfaction there along with all the dissatisfaction.  And I am feeling positive about the journey and really enjoying the opportunity that mortality is for me.

Sheila had an afternoon out with the girls.  She and Kathy, Shelli and Sharon had lunch at The Cheesecake Factory.  As expected, it lasted 2-3 hours, but I am not complaining.  I was glad that she could enjoy that time.  Besides, she did bring me back the left-overs from her lunch that I had for dinner.  And yes, it was very tasty.  I told her that she would have a hard time deciding what to order, but she didn't talk about that when she got home.  She just sat down and took time to tell me lots of stuff that the 'girls' had to say during their lunch.  I stayed here and tried to be productive.  I had all sorts of good ideas during my night time sleep/think time, but in the reality of the day things didn't go quite as well as when I thought them up.  But that is the reality of life. Reality is real which stands for real difficult to make happen in real life.  But I really do feel like I made progress today. Can't really quantify it, just feel like it did happen.  And like yesterday or any other day of consequence I spent my energy and am now in need of refueling.  I like my 'sleep/think time' and I like my 'real' time too.  I guess that I am pretty comfortable with things the way that they are, but I also have lots that I would like to be better at and sometimes I allow that to bother me.  But when I catch my self my 'chose button' needs to be worked and I 'chose' the positive side of the 'opposition in all things'.  I like it better when I can do that.  Can't control every thing, but I am learning that there is more that I can control then I thought.  And if I don't control 'it' and I leave it to others, well, that is never a good thing.  It is my job, and I simply have to do it.

As I begin this entry I find that I am out of gas.  (I'm tired!)  But I have to admit that I used my 'gas' pretty well.  I did get a lot of stuff done.  So I deserve to be tired and I ought to be satisfied too.  But I don't dwell much on what I was able to; I think about what still remains to be done.  My thought that came to me this morning was another thing that I count as an accomplishment for the day.  It was simply stated this way:  'it requires constant labor all his precepts to obey' and 'men are that they might have joy is certainly a 'precept' so there is some labor required to 'have joy''.  Later on things will flow to us 'without compulsory means' (D & C 121) but for now 'joy' needs to be compelled.  I didn't realize that before so I am trying to work on doing some 'compelling' so that I can 'have joy'.  My day has done me right, but as I wrote: I think about what remains or was not accomplished more then what I did or the good that has happened during the day.  But I will take it, call it good and get ready to move on to the next one.  And because I am so tired right now it is a good thing that I have several hours to rest my weary bones and find energy enough to do it all again when I arise. 

I wrote this morning, but that was for the weekend.  So I guess that I need to write tonight to meet my goal.  I know that a whole new day has come and gone.  But I can't seem to think of anything that has happened that seems worthy of recording.  I did try to be productive, but I feel like today didn't feature anything that has jumped out at me.  I need to think harder.  Let's see--I got up about 6:30 and I read my scriptures.  I did my 64 push ups while the water got hot and then I took a shower.  That was actually something that I normally haven't done on a Monday.  Then I got into the office and I wrote right away figuring I needed to write before my followers got up and going and would find it there once they did.  I really don't know if that was the case.  But it did motivate me to write first think instead of putting it off.  I  have had work to keep me busy.  I also have those 2 big tasks hanging over my head that I put some time in on.  There is my tax audit next week which I only thought about for a while.  And my liability insurance bond that I need before I renew my P I license.  If I allow myself I could get depressed over those, but I try not to.  I have my moments, but sometimes I am able to not be negative about it.  Here I am still dealing with stuff that shouldn't be happening.  Or maybe I just wish it wouldn't and there really isn't any immunity to worry and challenges.  But I do know that my complaints aren't much in this world.  I just need to keep myself convinced of that.  I did go buy some ink for my new printer.  And with a 20 % coupon and my rewards it didn't cost me anything.  Then I actually got out of the house a 2nd time and drove Sheila on the rounds.  Then tonight we had home teachers visit.  (I know it is a Monday.) We kept it short (2 hours!).  And now Sheila has gone off to give Robert a ride home.  I feel like there is something more that I should do today, but I am going to end my day and go to bed.  I figure that the world won't end by tomorrow so I will try again and see what I can do with a Tuesday.  I have some big plans, but I'll settle for whatever comes.  It won't be as good as I want, but it can't be as bad as I fear.  I think that it will be an okay day. 

I'm not quite sure how or why I have fallen into this new routine of not writing during my weekends.  But to honor my tradition I feel a need record something about it.  As of last Friday I was in ponder mode about my thoughts and feels of the event of the past week and especially what Sheila had told me on Friday about it really being a result of what I had asked for.  I have been trying since then to 'wrap my head around 'that and figure things out.  It was a part of my focus on Saturday evening when we had our family temple outing.  At that time I hadn't found any real answer, but then on Sunday morning I had a thought that not only is an answer for my priesthood lesson this coming Sunday, but serves as a focus point for me in my pondering about my more overwhelming questions that I have been asking myself this past week.  I don't expect it to resonate for you without explanation, but I will share it and if any of you want to pursue it further, feel free to do so.  It is 'sense of place'.  (Told you it wouldn't make sense to you.)  Anyway, it is important to me and will require a lot of pondering before I 'mine' what this nugget has to offer me.  As for my weekend, both Sheila and I 'felt old' a lot during the last two days.  I even asked her about her thoughts about us dying.  We did talk about that for a time, but don't get the idea that we see it anytime soon.  We both feel that there is so much more for us to learn and to do.  But we do see the results of our age which changes the way that we will learn and do.  I had a most interesting experience in Sunday School yesterday.  I'm still trying to take it all in.  Sheila also had an interesting experience in her primary class.  I found her in deep conversation with her teaching partner who was obviously very emotional and might I say. distraught.  I see it as both of us giving service and sharing our individual talents in unique ways.  Our Sunday was mostly very quiet and refreshing, but also a reminder of my own desires to be able to do so much more and not having the opportunity or the energy to do so.  That also has lots to do with the 'sense of place' that has taken over my ponder place and apparently will require a lot of attention before it gets sorted properly.

Sheila read my last entry last night, but I was already asleep when she came up.  But for my sake she remembered the thought and told me this morning just before she was off to work.  I had been going off about some things that happened that I found disconcerting.  What she said to me came light a lightning bolt and really has had me thinking all day in a much clearer way.  She simple told me that the things that I was complaining about came about because I asked for them.  I knew that I hadn't specifically asked for those problems, but she was right that I had asked for something that I now see very well has been answered with what has taken place.  It certainly was not what I had in mind.  But you know the saying about asking for something and we are given a circumstance wherein we can achieve that which we asked for.  I'm not sure about all the specifics and maybe it isn't exactly anything.  But I do see a test that can give me what I was looking for albeit not in the way that I imagined.  So today I have had  moments where I felt quite positive about our situation, yet I  have also had moments where it weighed on me something terrible.  I keep thinking about "my Eliza R. Snow song: 'Think not when you gather to Zion' " and its 'refining furnace'.  I just hadn't had quite that pointed of a lesson on the 'heat' of that furnace. I find the process more painful then I thought, and in a much more real way then I figured.  So today I have been in and out and up and down and I understand the 'opposition in all things' in a much more real way then I have before.  'No pain, no gain' is a much more universal truth then I knew.  I begin to understand more how some just throw in the towel and quit, but I also see the test of it all and look on the other side:  Start where you are--use what you have--Do what you can.  That is my new slogan for the day.

And I thought that I had a handle on things.  Well, not so much.  I see a new test on my horizon.  First there was this tax audit.  Then today while doing some preparing I realized that I need to renew my P.I. license in June.  So I go on-line and get the form and I see that now I have to have liability insurance. I won't know how much it will cost for the $500,000.00.  But it does stress me out some.  I thought I got out of the hoops when I changed over in 2009, but 'they' get you one way or another.  It makes me wonder about other choices, but for now I'll follow up and see just what the details might be and then make my way along as I know clearly what is before me.  Funny, just when I was getting comfortable being separated from the 'world' I get grabbed back to that reality big time.  The thought sneaks in a touch, but I quickly regain my balance and decide to decide to keep on keeping on.  There is really no other choice.  Besides, I find that I do have a drama side to me and can think the worst when I ought not.  So I decide to shake it off and find the good that is always there.  So good, come here, sit down with me.  Let me consider all you have to offer, and have given me.  No pity party here.  I can be realistic, but it is never as bad as I pretend it to be.  Besides, I see the real scoreboard and we are all winning.  We just have to wait it out and take a swing when it is our turn. 

At least I had plenty of time to devote to preparing my tax records for that audit.  I even made the appointment for two weeks from today.  I can create all kinds of imaginary monsters about that interview, but it doesn't serve me well to do so.  So I will think good thoughts and imagine that it will go well.  I really believe that it will, so that is the way that I will prepare for it.  Today also had little clues that work things aren't as bad as I've been thinking too.  I decided that my days are made up of so many things that because one or two are not as healthy as I'd like it doesn't take down the whole day.  And I was right to think that there are plenty of things that I can be lifted by.  I figure that I am smarter then the one who wants me to feel down, so I play the game to my advantage not to his.  (Then when the IRS throws me in jail I will go whistling and smiling!)  (Just kidding!!)  There really are lots of things to be happy about.  And frankly, I do feel good, and I am happy.  I am just not satisfied, but I come to learn that the two can do-exist, and do not rely on each other.  In fact, being truly happy requires the realism of some dis-satisfaction, because this world was never meant to be 'all that there is'.  It does play a pretty big role, but there is definitely more and better to come later, if we become more and better.  Saw the picture of Logan's finger today.  Been there--done that!  But it sure had to hurt!  But little man, it will heal!  And for you, mom and dad (Shelli and Phil), No, it will never end.  They just move out one day and what you feel keeps on, but in a little different way.  Right now Sheila is stresses over an assignment she got for a ward Relief Society Thursday night meeting in May.  She was chosen because of the fact that she is seen in high esteem, and will fulfill the assignment wonderfully, but she won't see it that way and will and will fret and hyperventilate until it is over.  But the rest of us know that they got it right by choosing her. 

 

 

This morning I wrote that I didn't know what the day would bring, and boy, I never would have guessed what did happen.  It was going along just fine.  I was working and getting stuff done, and I wrote a list of tasks that I could do when I finished the timely stull.  Then Richard got back with the mail and guess what.  The IRS is taking an interest in our taxes.  We are being auditing for 2011.  Yeah!  I have to gather together 2010, 2011 and 2012 ad be ready for a 3 hour visit to their office that I have to make an appointment for.  So much of the rest of my day was seeing if I still have the records that I need.  I figured that I did, but actually finding them proved harder then I thought it would be.  I did have some trouble on the way, but I finally found what I was looking for.  I still need to organize the stuff better, but I feel more at ease now that I have gathered it and seen the stuff that I have to back up what I did.  It is always worrisome but I can show where the figures came from.  I hope that that will be enough to make them happy.  They could always find that I didn't do it right, or that I made mistakes.  And, they could find that I am a meticulous record keeper and that I did it just right.  All I can do is be prepared the best I can, and go with what I did.  We'll see how it goes, but it won't be right away I think.  That sure wasn't anything like what I expected the day to bring.  I had hoped to do some studying, but after workng hours I settle in and watched a new series on Sy Fy tv.  It is time now for me to call it a day.  As far as my work week is doing, it looks down right now.  I need new work to come in, but I am not ready to panic yet (maybe tomorrow).  But then if that audit notice didn't end up causing me to panic maybe I can get through a little worry about my work too.  But it does make me wonder what wonderful thing might happen to me tomorrow.

I consider today a new beginning.  It is  a Monday which begins the new week.  It is the 15th of this month of April which is sort of a milestone on its own what with it being 1/2 of April and tax day when we mail the stuff away that we have been preparing for for several months.  (And which is evidence to me of a tender mercy for us that has been years in the making and come to fruition to bless us today.)  I started again to measure and record my blood number this morning after letting it go for a while until after my visit to my doctor last Friday.  It is also early in my morning after a weekend in which I tried to be receptive to learning and growing and can now settle in to practice what I am learning.  It is also the first new day of the rest of my life which I hope will be a continuation forward even if it is very small steps that I am taking.  I heard the alarm go off at 6 and after a few minutes I got up.  Sheila was in the tub and told me that it had snowed.  (So maybe winter isn't quite ready to let spring begin, but 'beginning' is still my theme.)  Last evening Sheila went to a stake Relief Society meeting.  She left about 15 to 7 and got home around 15 to 10!  My stomach churned a lot during my waiting time, but I figured that none of my imaginary monsters were real and that she was just enjoying time with friends and chatting the night away.  I found out that I was right and I saw that not only was she enjoying her visiting she was really giving service and really did still have 'the Relief Society President spirit in her heart' as she was told by one of her former counselors who was there too.   I was able to 'see' and appreciate her at her best being the wonderful, compassionate soul reaching out to others in her unique and humble way.  She is still the best part of what we are, and I need to keep on to just try to keep up with her.  Right now, as I face this new day (and week) I really don't know just how it will turn out.  But even after all of these years of new beginnings I am actually excited to be able to 'participate' and see what happens.

I am learning how to enjoy days like today, but I am not very good at it.  I guess that I am a bit hyper and when I am not working or doing something that I consider productive I judge it as a waste of time.  But I do know that we all need some down time now and again, so a day when we can be lazy isn't such a bad thing.  And sleeping in on one day of the week isn't evil (if you can call sleeping in until almost 8:30 'sleeping in')  I do realize that I have put myself in a position that I can't sleep in tomorrow because I did not do my long shaving bath that I thought about, or even a long shower shave.  Sheila had up off doing her (our) laundry of until today so I didn't trust the hot water to last.  So I need to get up in time to do my 2-week shave and still be early for church at 9:00 a.m.  We have both been lazy today as far as getting dressed and doing anything out of the house.  I did not go to the post office and Sheila did not even go outside (newspaper, mail box and to clean out the skimmer in the pond for me).  But we both put in the time this morning to get our taxes finished up and all ready to mail come Monday (the 15th).  I had also done some office work when I did get up at 8:30.  I just had lots of time that I could have used better, but I chose to do less and do (or not do) what Saturday would allow me to do (or not do).  Didn't have this kind of a Saturday early on when we were raising the kids.  And I guess that I don't have it as often as I think now.  So to take advantage of it might not be as bad as I am thinking it to be.  I guess there are a lot of things related to our present stage of life that I am still getting used to and learning how to deal with.  It is something that I need to ponder on some more and come to understand the truth of it all. 

My page here show 8 followers, but one of them is me.  I was trying to find out who the other 7 are and I had to 'sign' in', but after I did it still didn't allow me to send a message to 'Blue'.  I wonder who 'Blue' is.  If you are 'Blue' please let me know, or if you are not, but one of the other 6 if you know how I can find out who 'Blue' is let me know.  I sure would like to have more followers, but I am grateful for what I have and thank you who are and hope that you will stick around with me.  I do enjoy the occasional comment because it make me feel better when I know that someone is reading what I write.  I'd hate to believe that all of these years worth of journals (that I have just recently found a nice home for) will never be read.  But I guess that it is better to have them even if they are not read then to not have them so that they could never be read.  

 

Right now I am experiencing Friday.  It feels like Fridays feel.  I am tired from 5 work days, and in anticipation of a Saturday with less pressure to perform.  Except this Saturday (tomorrow) does present one very big 'pressure' that has been waiting for months.  I have to put in the time to finish my taxes so that I can mail them off on Monday.  It shouldn't be too bad though because I have all but finished them some weeks ago.  Anyway, that is one thing that is hanging over my head for tomorrow.  Other then that my weekend should be pretty open and allow me to find some lesser level tasks that I can feel good about.  And this coming Fast Sunday will be one of the rare ones on our own.  I hope I will be able to make it a good Sunday for us too.  Then I will be ready (or not) for week # 16 to start and I'll have to do 'it' all over again.

I just made a decision.  It was 9 and I considered sitting up to watch a show on tv, one that I usually enjoy or turning it off, sitting down to write this and then going upstairs to have prayer with Sheila before she leaves to give Robert a ride home from work and then go to bed as soon as I read, think, and do my 64.  It may not be obvious to you, but I can tell what decision I made.  I guess I don't chilling in front of the tv as much as I have.  I also have leaned to read my body better and I know that right now I am very tired.  I left around 3 and took my wife with me and we did some errands and ended up (after eating out at sweet potatoes) actually doing some shopping at Costco.  Before we left I spent about an hour in school.  I found several short videos about The Book of Mormon and historical and geographic evidence.  It was fascinating to me.  I really like learning new stuff, and the gospel is my favorite subject.  We got home after 6 and I had lots of new work here waiting for me, but I was spent and really only vegetated until 9 when I made this big choice of mine.  I think that eating three bowls of the best cream of mushroom soup I have had took me into this state of lethargy.  Now I need to sleep it off.  I now look forward to good work in the morning and hope to take advantage of a good night's sleep in order to properly prepare.  I look at my day and judge it to have been good for me.  I got a lot done in t he morning, I learned  a lot in the early afternoon.  I enjoyed time with my 'bestest' friend in the evening (something that I won't be able to do much of tomorrow) and I will do all of my normal rituals before laying myself (actually sitting myself up) to enjoy my night with some sleep in there somewhere.  Yes, I did make a decision.

It seems that some times I have a hard time not working.  Right now I feel a bit antsy.  I do have stuff that I could do, but I also want to relax too.  But if the down time isn't up to a certain standard I feel uneasy.  A good show works whether it is entertainment or information, but one that doesn't entertain of teach me something makes me feel like I am wasting my time.  I used to be able to 'waste' time, but it seems that I have grown out of that.  I need to feel useful or productive.  I guess that that is a good thing.  So here I am before 8 and I am almost ready to end my day.  But I also see maybe two hours that can be used, but I feel torn between enjoying nothing or doing something.  It is a different dilemma for me being old and just the 2 of us as opposed to you-all with kids that need attending to.  Having a little time on my hands should be a good thing, right?  But it can also be quite pressing.  We Mormons are strivers and that has built in pressure that does cause some stress.  I think that I prefer it that way, but I do need to learn balance too.  Oh, Shelli, I sleep in my chair because laying in bed causes stress to my shoulders and sitting up feels better and it allows me to move differently too.  I just turned the tv off which surprised me a bit.  I want to challenge myself, but I don't want to either.  I am a living conundrum.  I find that I have to get to know me all over again, because I feel like I have changed.  And I can only think of that as a good thing. I was reading the 'manual' earlier today and the lesson was about becoming perfect.  One of the thoughts was that we progress, but we don't see it as it happens.  We just one day see that it has happened.  I believe that that has happened to me.  It is a satisfying yet disturbing thought at the same time.  (may Sheila is right when she tells me that I overthink things too much)

It's been several weeks that I have been watching for the 'Threads' web site to start selling tickets to this new Michael Mclean musical.  I came across it back at the end of February and saw a scheduled performance in May and I got the idea of getting tickets and taking my 'bestest' friend to it for her birthday.  But they had some kind of snafu and the web site just said that tickets would be availble 'soon'.  Well, 'soon' came today so I quickly got on and brought us some tickets for May 11th at Cottonwood High School.  I printed them off and put them with an e-mail from Nicholas (Elder Porter) and gave it to Sheila to read when she got home from Sharon's and her chiropractor.  I did surprise her, but she took it in stride and just said that she was 'excited'.  I'll continue to pretend that it is just for her, but I will admit that I want to go for myself a little bit.  Seems so far away, but time at our age is a different sort of animal and before I know it I will be writing about 'it' in the past tense.  Haven't had to pump again, but it sure has been cold.  The wind also blew over one of our garbage cans three times.  That brief taste of spring pulled a pretty good April fool's day joke on all of us.  Still necessary to have the heater on.  I have taken to doing almost all of my sleeping in my chair.  It has been really comfortable for me, and I seem to feel rested when Sheila's alarm goes off at 6 in the a.m.  I also still do a lot of my  most productive pondering while I am in preliminary stages of sleep (always trying to take advantage of every minute in my quest to be productive).  I listened in while Sheilas was re-watching that BYU devotional talk on "Grace" by Brad Wilcox.  Several of the kids have watched and I hope that all will eventually.  It is so inspiring and fits right along my current effort in my own personal worship study program.  I am not so much trying to learn new things as take advantage of them.  Kind of like eating something especially delicious, but not feeling at all stuffed no matter the amount.  (I hope that you can understand what I am trying to say.)  My work may take up most of my time, but it certainly isn't the most important thing that I do during my day.  And when I can enjoy it with Sheila like I did today it makes for a very special moment.  I anticipate so much more to come.

I'm actually staying up a bit later then I usually do.  I had some interest in the NCAA final game, and it actually was fun to watch, so I did.  At half time Sheila came down and helped me pump for the 2nd time today.  We went all winter and only had to pump a hand full of times, but the conditions will have to improve to keep us from another one some time during the night.  I hope that it will get too cold and snow instead of rain, or stop or something.  But if not, I will do what needs doing.  The new way that we do it is physically more demanding, but it isn't that bad, and I see it as an opportunity to have a bit of a work-out.  I would like to avoid it, but if not....  After such a weekend it was hard to get back into the mood of the work week.  But I've been transisting for years so I'm pretty much used to it.  My Monday ended up hitting my 'normal' figures and so was an adequate start to my week.  A phone call just after 7 reminded us that we had forgotten our FHE dinner for April, but it was too late to change, and besides I knew that pump time would be upon us soon.  Maybe their meal would have been better, but my wife's cream peas and potatoes and ham suited me just fine.  I was able to keep myself busy through the day, but conference did creep into my head some.  It was really a weekend to remember, and I do mean that in the most literal sense.  It is something I want to remember.  There was so much good stuff taught.  For being the 2nd week in April the weather sure has been un-spring-like.  It is supposed to get worse through tomorrow.  I am resigned to just hanging around, working in my office trying to make a living, and staying warm.  Still have lots on my mind trying to figure out what the future holds for us.  But I am also resigned to receive it (whatever it is) one day at a time, and frankly, I am enjoying my journey probably more now then at any other time in my life.  I am reminded of the poem Brother Packer recited that he wrote about his older years.  I was able to see some of what he wrote in the way that I see my old situation.  I'm certainly not him, but there were some similar ideas that apply to me.  I am happy growing older and hopefully wiser with my bestest of friends right there with me.

As you may remember, one of my 'themes' in the letters for my push ups is 'u' which stands for 'understand the day'.  That has a lot of meaning for me as I look at each new day in a unique way as well as as having a place in a week and month.  There is a lot about the days of the week that repeat time after time, as well as each day being special in itself.  I have the hardest time figuring out my Fridays.  I do see a pattern to them even though they also differ from one another the most.  But Fridays do feel different to me.  There is this end of the work week thing, plus the anticipation of the start of the weekend.  I have come to see that I am really tired on a Friday.  I believe that it is because of the 4 work days that I have just worked my way through and I am getting tired of it all and looking forward to sleeping in a little bit, and usually Saturday is the only day of the week that I can do that.  Maybe it feels different because there is less pressure to work, but Saturday is the best for that.  There is no pressure to work on a Sunday, but it comes with its own special kind of pressure.  But back to Friday:  we have tagged it as time for ourselves day, and our date night, or go out to dinner night.  And as much as we do have time to ourselves a lot throughout the week our Friday nights have become our own because we have made the choice to have it that way.  Each day does come with its good things, and each day does have a down side too.  I have learned that I need to live one day at a time, but I have also learned to always understand the connection the each day has with all of the other days.  One day can have a major impact on our lives, but it takes hundreds, and even thousands of days to define ourselves totally.  I figure that I am about 2/3's of the way along with lots and lots of days to go.  I wonder how good of a guesser I am.

I have tried to keep busy today, but I confess that I did doze off a couple of times.  And when I got to the end of the day it was hard to sit down here and do this.  So much for a good habit that lasted for so long.  Take some time off and it is like starting all over again.  Last night was the first night that I spent all of my sleep time in my chair.  I find it so comfortable to sleep almost sitting up.  I really don't know why sleeping in my bed is so uncomfortable, but it is, and the chair seems to be the answer for me.  I wake up quite refreshed and I am able to ponder successfully and have been blessed with some new truths that have inspired me.  I just feel like I am learning a lot, and it really feels good.  I guess at my age there has been a lot that no longer works, or no longer appeals to me, but learning is one thing that I am better at then ever before, and that I find real satisfaction in.  I am planning on being up early and off to get a lab test.  I will have to drop Sheila off at her work so that I will have the car,  but I decided to do it tomorrow instead of waiting until Saturday.  I worked a couple of hours tonight to get stuff done to free up my morning time.  I had stuff for Richard that I got done, so I don't have to worry about it in the morning.  Beyond that my Friday is pretty much up in the air.  I realize just how much that my days really depend on stuff happening to me as opposed to me making things happen.  I guess that it is like that for all of us.  I know that we have agency and all of that, but life seems to be more about how we deal with what happens to us then actually making our life into what we want for us.  That sounds like a good subject to ponder on tonight and into the morning.  I guess that there is a balance somewhere in there.  There has to be some control that we can exercise, but we certainly can't control much.  I read something the other day that said that all we can really control is our attitude and our ...I forget the other thing.  Maybe it is our 'will'.  Said that way though there really doesn't seem like we can really do much.  But those are really two very powerful things if we really do control them positively.  We do decide, and probably have much more power then we realize.

I just read Shelli's comment about my last post.  And I have to disagree with her.  She interpreted my ramblings and said that I was just feeling 'blah'.  Actually what I was feeling then and even a little still is much more complicated then that.  After Sheila read it we talked and she said that what I wrote would confuse anyone.  I was confused too and that's what I was trying to say.  Since then I have thought a lot about 'it' and I am still trying to figure it all out still.  But it has to do with certain strivings and spiritual 'verges' that start to make sense to me, but so hard for me to explain.  It wasn't clear from what I wrote, but I am feeling very good, but confused too.  I do spend a lot of time pondering on it and I feel like I am really being taught a lot.  Kind of like my head is being opened up and stuff is being poured into me and at such a rate that it takes time and effort to sort through it all.  It is actually quite exciting but very overwhelming.  Kind of like general conference for several days now but just for me and coming to me in a special, private way.  I judge it as quite a wonderful experience, but almost too much and too quickly.  And it is quite a tiring experience that continues both day and night.  (as if I am cramming for something, but I don't know what it is)  I'd like to write more about the daily stuff and work and things, but I go through them almost mechanically while at the same time absorb this 'stuff' that comes into my mind (soul) and the best way to describe it is to use the words in Alma:  'taste the light'.  It is 'good'.  It is 'delicious to the taste'.  It is just so much and so overwhelming that it does weight me down some.  But 'blah' no.  But Shelli thank you for you input.  And I hope that when I really understand it all I will be able to explain it to you.

It's actually my 2nd entry of the day, but it doesn't seem like it.  I am trying to get back in to the routine, and I am finding it harder then I would have imagined.  Right now my life seems a bit strange to me.  It's not like I'm outside of myself watching it happen like it has been before.  In fact, I really can't quite define it, but it does feel strange to me.  Everything seems to be some how hyped up or bigger then it has been.  Like I feel things more.  I am trying to look at myself and find the right words to explain, but I can't quite grasp what it is that I feel or how to explain it, even to myself.  I want my 'now' to expand so there is no need for a tomorrow, but that sounds really weird, even to me.  And tomorrow is as much a part of me as yesterday and today have been.  If all of that sounds really weird, well, I am feeling really weird.  If any of you have any suggestions I would like to hear them.  I'd like to say that there is no way that you could understand what I am feeling, but who knows, maybe you do.  If I can't explain it I can't say that I can put boundaries on it either.  But I do know that today is Tuesday, and I look to it to go away and turn into Wednesday.  What that means I do not know.  But sleep seems a magic elixir and all of a sudden I will wake up and right now will be way in the past and I will be different.  I don't figure I'll be anybody else, but the me I will be is not the me that I am right now, and then the next me will show up some time after that.  I just hope that each new version is somehow improved.

So much for establishing a new routine!  After one day I totally forgot about writing last night.  I do have a pretty good excuse though.  Our routine was disrupted by the 3 Rosbach amigos and I went to bed early while Sheila sat up with Hunter watching a PG-13 movie that only he could watch and the other 2 I had set up watching Teen Titans (as if I had ever heard of that before).  (# 4 amigo was home getting prepped for his ear tube surgery this morning.)  It was the 2nd Monday in a row that found us out to dinner with 3 of our grand kids.  And, Yes, Chuck-a-rama is much different then Maddox's.  Sheila and I often talk about our desire to give more service (especially for me).  But I see that she does give so very much and the fact that it is mostly serving our family does not diminish it in any way.  We do realize how much of what we do is centered around our children and grand children.  I know that I did not have that as a kid.  And I hope that it is a good thing for those who receive what we are able to give.  I was laying in my 'chair' trying to decide when to get up.  The alarm had gone off and Sheila was up and actually off to work, but I didn't know that at the time.  I heard the tv go on and knew that the 3 were awake.  To their credit it immediately was turned down.  But it was  my 'alarm' so I got up (it was 6:58, and Sheila was, indeed, off to work).  I made sure that one of my first tasks was this entry.  I look forward to my day.  Don't know just what it will bring (footsteps from above actually surprised me as I wasn't thinking about our visitors!)  I will endure until my wife gets back and then we will try to 'plan our work, and work our plan, and do the very best that we can.  Hope all the best for all of you too.