It seems that some times I have a hard time not working.  Right now I feel a bit antsy.  I do have stuff that I could do, but I also want to relax too.  But if the down time isn't up to a certain standard I feel uneasy.  A good show works whether it is entertainment or information, but one that doesn't entertain of teach me something makes me feel like I am wasting my time.  I used to be able to 'waste' time, but it seems that I have grown out of that.  I need to feel useful or productive.  I guess that that is a good thing.  So here I am before 8 and I am almost ready to end my day.  But I also see maybe two hours that can be used, but I feel torn between enjoying nothing or doing something.  It is a different dilemma for me being old and just the 2 of us as opposed to you-all with kids that need attending to.  Having a little time on my hands should be a good thing, right?  But it can also be quite pressing.  We Mormons are strivers and that has built in pressure that does cause some stress.  I think that I prefer it that way, but I do need to learn balance too.  Oh, Shelli, I sleep in my chair because laying in bed causes stress to my shoulders and sitting up feels better and it allows me to move differently too.  I just turned the tv off which surprised me a bit.  I want to challenge myself, but I don't want to either.  I am a living conundrum.  I find that I have to get to know me all over again, because I feel like I have changed.  And I can only think of that as a good thing. I was reading the 'manual' earlier today and the lesson was about becoming perfect.  One of the thoughts was that we progress, but we don't see it as it happens.  We just one day see that it has happened.  I believe that that has happened to me.  It is a satisfying yet disturbing thought at the same time.  (may Sheila is right when she tells me that I overthink things too much)