I really need to get this entry in before the year ends.  It has been since the 22nd that my mind has been blank and my pages have been left unfilled.  It has been since then that I have been ill and although some days were worse then others I have never felt up to the task of writing.  I hoped from day to day that I would break out of  my mental muddle and feel like writing, but it only got worse.  I had a couple of times when I thought it would end, but it did not.  I was blessed on a number of occassions to be able to get out and function my way through some family functions and a few church events.  But this past Sunday both Sheila and I were afflicted enough that we did not go to church.  In fact, I spent virtually the whole day reading a new book, that I am going to return to as soon as I finish here.  I can do that okay, but even this entry right now seems difficult to do because of how poorly I feel.  I know it won't last through all of 2013, but with this two weeks plus now I even wonder about that. So I end 2012 looking forward to 2013 and hope that sooner or later I will return to my old self and just keep on keeping on for another year that I have high hopes for.

It is common knowledge in our community (LDS) that we are each a combination of our spirit and our physical body.  This mix makes for an interesting opportunity to be tested and to learn and grow in the mastery of this duality which also is our greatest blessing as it is a necessary step in our progression to grow into our 'measure' and become like our heavenly parents.  One of the struggles is simply which part of us is in charge.  We have been taught that our spirit is and should be the dominating force, but that is what the test is all about.  It takes years of leaning and doing to become that way.  This higher nature can be achieved, but is always struggling inside of us and is there throughout our life from infancy to my old age and beyond.  At the same time that we struggle for leadership withing ourselves we also are learning to deal with the other natural deficiencies of our mortal body.  When 'it' doesn't feel quite right it makes it more difficult for 'you' to feel quite right.  In other words, when you are sick it is harder to feel strong and bright spiritually.  That is my dilemma at this moment.  I thought that I was over it, but it has returned and given me an opportunity for study and review, and I am trying to find a way to still be large and in charge, but it is a bummer.

Wow!  I said that out loud when I read the result of Cortney's game last night.  That was my first thing when I got into the office.  I had slept in some because our alarm is turned off because Sheila is done with her work for the year (just that work, not work itself!)  The score was 39 to 37!  Way too close.  Now maybe it was an easy 2 point win or maybe it was a hard 2 point win; I won't know until I hear from the Porters.  But it certainly was more competitive than the one we went to on Tuesday.  As for my night, I fretted through the BYU game until finally they turned it around in a tsunami of defense in the 4th quarter.  Oh yes, Cortney's line was 5 2 4 2  (that's 5 points [1- 3], 2 rebounds, 4 assists and 2 steals)  Not bad for a close game like that.       When I did get up this morning I was actually excited about the work before me.  This end of year situation is really weird and my mindset is quite unsettled, but there is an anticipation about it all that is kind a fun.  But I know that I can't just let down and go completely holiday.  There is so much that I have to get down.  When appropriate I will 'party hardy', but I cannot waste the time that I need to devote to the work that needs to be done, and especially the pondering that right now seem to be the most important task of these last couple of weeks of 2012 (now that the world is still alive and moving forward!!!)

They say that eating something sweet for dessert is a habit where you train your body to finish the meal and it signals that you are finished eating.  It kind of wraps up that episode.  Well, starting my day with this entry starts my day (on something sweet) and lets me begin with a fresh attitude and renewed energy for the rest of the day.  I sometimes have an idea of what I want to write, and other times I just sit down and start typing.  I believe that you would agree that a daily effort (6 days of the week now) is a daunting task, and you would also agree that some entries are better then others.  I might boast that every once in a while I actually have one that is really good.  Anyway, I digress--Today is day 20 of this last month of this year, and if some have their way tomorrow will be the last day of life as we know it! (NOT!!)  I fully expect to gather with most of you this coming Saturday for another family gathering (Aaron's birthday partly).  Then on Sunday I teach the High Priests and the world cannot end before that!  Even though I do feel my age I also feel like I am just getting started.  There is so very much to look forward to and 2013 is starting to set up before me.  Don't know just what it will bring, but I am ready to face it and see.

I did manage to get some work done yesterday.  But I did see three basketball games.  My favorite was the 2nd game.  That is because I actually attended it and was with my favorite (BFF) bud and the senior citizen discount was 'free'.  We were also there with Russ to watch Cortney and her Bonneville Lakers.  Before I started this I looked up online and saw her 'line':  13 points  5 rebounds  3 assists and 4 steals (I had to go online because my paper was late again.)  For only playing 3/4 of the the game she did extremely well (sure she could have done better, but that is life's lesson too, not just basketball).  I was able to whisper in her ear as we left, my congratulations, and that she had made grandma very happy because she was able to see that she was not a jinx (Sheila did say that she still seems to be for Spencer--so we'll have to deal with that in a future time)  I know that there is this parent thing about living vicariously through you children.  I guess if you do it through your grandchild that there is nothing negative about it.  It is really a lot of fun.  But you have to take it both ways.  Cort's team in now 8 and 0, but our loyalty isn't for that anyway.  It is for her and her contest of life.  That is what we mostly share with her (and the rest of you-all) and we are there as much for the loses as for the wins.

I am feeling some very good things going on inside of me.  I notice because it is definitely different then 'normal'.  And I am meaning this in a good way, a very good way.  There is a touch of concern because it could interfere with me wanting to do any work, but then again, if I can figure a way to 'use' it, it just might motivate me to do that work.  I do closely associate my work with my family anyway, so this thing that I feel fits right in there.  In this stage of my life I have been able to distance myself from  many 'things of the world' and draw closer to 'things of eternity' while I am trying to really learn what it means to be 'in the world, but not of the world' and right now, today, seems the perfect context to continue my study.  I do hope that this feeling doesn't dissipate or wear itself out, but I know that it does do that.  Perhaps I can hold on to it long enough to understand it better.  And we will see just how it afects my today, this Tuesday, December 18th, 2012.  Perhaps it will end up being just another day (not likely with this start), or perhaps it will contribute to elevating good to something better.  (I'm anxious to see.)

After such a wonderful weekend I am feeling, well--wonderful.  I just read Cicily's comment that she posted yesterday morning and I see that at least her Saturday was that way for her, and I will assume the their Sunday was as well.  It has really been a busy 2 days, but really fun and 'spiritually fun' as well.  We stayed at Sherri's later (for me) and had what I felt was a wonderful discussion.  I did remember one thing thing that I wish that I had said then, so I figured to say it here.  We were talking about "Divine Signatures" (tender mercies or just anecdotal experiences) that come to each of us as direct blessings from Heavenly Father.  We talked about how we sometimes don't recognize them or we don't see the power in them.  I just wanted to say that I know that each of our children are 'Divine Signatures'.  And if that goes for grandma and me it goes for each of our 'd.s.'s' regarding their children as well.  My weekend has put me in a real good place and I really hope that today and the coming week will build on that and be as fulfilling to me as the last 2 days have been.  Same to you and more!

I almost forgot to do this.  I got here about an hour ago but wanted to read the paper first, but when I went out to get it there was so much snow that I couldn't see it and I also decided that it probably wasn't here yet.  That same snow storm which dropped a ton probably delayed the paper too.  I puttered a bit and then went up and Sheila and I have been talking for a while.  She decided to go shovel and I remembered and came back down here to do this.  I have so much going on inside my head that I real feel tired already and the day has barely begun.  That school shooting yesterday was a tragedy, but quite far away from me.  Last night we went and saw Linzi's group sing and then went to dinner.  My own studies have been weighing quite heavily on my mind as well.   Today will be filled with family as we do have plans for our family temple outing (and luncheon) and I hope that the snow doesn't affect it, but I won't be surprised at anything.  (except Sheila finding my paper when she is shoveling)  There really is something going on inside of me right now that I do like, but it is very taxing and confusing. Maybe our time at the temple will help.  After all, I can't think of a better school room for that particular subject matter.

I actually walked into my office before 7 am this morning!  I had forced myself out of bed and read my chapter, gotten a wonderful inspiration of a lesson, read a few pages in a book that Sheila bought as a Christmas present for someone and did my 60 push ups with relish and thanksgiving, got dressed, had my personal prayer, all by 7.  If I can only finish this Friday with 1/2 as much vigor as I feel now I will be pleased.  I started reading that book yesterday.  It has been a wonderful experience.  Got me really thinking in a good way, and feeling communion and inspiration since.  I guess I do allow myself to settle much of the time.  I just get distracted and do what comes easiest instead of being a little bit more diligent, making a little bit more effort, and trying a little bit harder.  Sometimes I even wander onto the wrong side of the line for a bit and then realizing where I am I hurry back scolding myself for my folly.  I guess that the word is 'complacency'.  My new theme now is 'anti-complacency'.  Yes, I'll begin today and try to be 'anti-complacent'!

Greet-nicks to my family.  I love all of you, and I love each of you.  I think of each and all of you often throughout my day and I am always feeling the frustration of time and space that keeps us inside our own life.  I do cherish the times when those are overridden and we are together.  At the moment I just want you to know that 'you' are always with me and I hope that in the same way that I am with you.  I often talk with Sheila about our love and how it is expressed.  I have said to her and even to my priesthood brethren when I have taught them that I use the 'squeegy' test.  Sheila way back asked that I squeegy our shower afterwards.  I struck a deal that I not have to 'work' on Sunday, but the other days I squeegy in honor of her.  Seems silly, but not so.  To me it is real, and although not discussed much it is what it is.  I wonder shat the 'test' is that would let you know that I love you.  With that 'time and space' thing it is often just living what we know to be true.  I know that I need to say it more and make the living it part even more real, but it it real and I do love you.  I hope that you feel that you can share all of this with me each day and often.  YOU are  my reason.

A new thought struck me this morning.  I was thinking that as I got up and going that I really felt good- even happy.  I realized that it was because I let myself feel that way.  It wasn't because I deserved to feel that way.  I hadn't earned it.  It was a gift to me, another part of the atonement that I hadn't recognized that way before.  Yesterday, Sheila and I were out and about and I was driving her on our errands and talking about stuff.  We see some who seem to not allow themselves to be happy.  It is as though they feel a need to be punished or that they are not worthy to be happy.  My realization is that it comes to us as a part of atonement.  I have understood many of the other good aspects of the atonement (forgiveness, comfort, even inspiration and confidence) but I hadn't thought that happiness is also attached in a very real way.  Sure we are held to a higher standard because of the gospel (where much is given, much is required) but to be happy has to be included (men are that they might have joy) in His gifts and it seems reasonable to me that being 'at-one-with' would include happiness.  So see the complete package and accept the fact that deserve it or not if you receive the gift of the atonement you can receive all of the gift.  Accept happy!

I'm back.  Did you notice?  I have been missing Sundays for awhile, but I missed yesterday, only 1 day, but I wonder if anyone even noticed.  I was 'sick' in a way for a day and my reserve just wasn't there.  I had nothing inside to bring out and share.  All of my thoughts were for me and I needed some time to recoup and heal, but now I am back.  I feel really good and I do have at least one thought that I want to share with you. I'm sure that you all understand how it feels to fall short, or just plain mess up.  You realize how many people that matter to you that you have let down, and you start to wonder how Heavenly Father can keep on forgiving you.  You wonder if your 'credit' has been used up, how long can he keep helping you bounce back, and is He getting tired of what you keep asking of Him?  Have you worn out your heavenly welcome?  Well, the answers are:  forever, always and He still loves you, and He is ALWAYS there for you and  me.  If you could find fault with Him it would be that He can't count.  He doesn't remember all the times before; He lives in the now and in your future.   We certainly get tired of requiring him to forgive us. but He never tires of doing the forgiving.  Take that to the temple!

Got so much on my mind right now.  Still enjoying the time that my wife and I spent together yesterday.  I took time from work in the afternoon and we went to a movie.  We saw the "life of Pi";  a weird ending, but still have ideas about it come in to my head.  We went out to dinner, still have thoughts of taste come in to my head.  She tells me that I gave her my cold, but I still have a touch now and then so maybe she has her own (or just most of mine).  This morning we had an interesting conversation about the new church web site 'Mormonsandgays.org" and the conundrum that subject causes.  It is a very, very broad subject.  Then when I brought in the paper I looked at the picture on the front page of the church news, an interesting point if you notice it.  I did check the other blogs and Facebook.  I was pleased to see that Shelli and Cicily had finally gotten a post after near or more then a month.  Both Sheila and I wondered about Cicily's bad  month of November.  I hope we have an opportunity to discuss it with her.  Maybe we can help, after all we are so old and so wise!  And as for my Saturday,  I really have lots of work to do.  And it is supposed to snow so the outside errands better get done soon.  This will be a test of planning and execution for me for sure.

I don't like hockey.  That's okay.  There is a lot that I like and a lot that I don't like.  And I do like those that like hockey (Porter family mostly and Richard), but I don't like hockey.  The reason I bring it up is that my thought is about hockey.  It came to  me last night as I reviewed my day and helped me complete an idea that needed completion.  I remembered some vague idea about an 'assist' in hockey that I adapted to me.  And this morning to assure accuracy I checked it out and found that my memory is correct.  Contrary to basketball where one assist can be awarded on a score, in hockey two assists can be awarded on a goal.  One is a primary assist and the other is a secondary assist, both players being recognized for their part in a goal scored.  I relate that to my life.  I now see me in a new perspective thanks to hockey.  I have often felt that I just don't get many 'primary assists', but 'secondary assists' seem a good description of my days. Take yesterday for an example.  I give my wife Sheila a 'primary assist' in her service to the Rosbach family (Shelli and Phil will have to be the ones to tell you about that) and I just stayed home all by myself.  But if I didn't do what I do she couldn't have done what she did.  So I give myself a 'secondary assist'.  And that is not a bad thing.  In fact, even if everything I do is 'secondary' that's okay.  (I figure there's got to be a 'primary' one in there somewhere, sometime, but if not; I am still part of the team!)

Ever since I can remember I have wanted to know everything that goes on around me.  Over the years I have learned that that is not possible, nor is it right.  Sure, to have a general idea of specific things and a specific idea of general things, that is possible and good.  But some things are not meant for me (us) and other things just don't matter.  But I am still curious to know as much of what I should know and a little of what I shouldn't know.  I find our new technology age quite fascinating, what with Facebook and the rest of the internet.  Just yesterday Sheila and I were talking about the fact that Linzi and her Madrigal group had been on tv.  We wanted to see it so on to the computer and in just a few minutes we were able to see the recorded episode.  Sheila also wanted to find a Youtube thing about a flash mob that she had heard discussed at her work.  1-2-3 and she found it and we watched it too.  I had a question about a ball game and the internet answered it for me.  Just now I peeked at the sports page to find:  Bonneville 53, Weber 30 and "Cortney Porter chipped in 16 points with seven rebounds and six assists".  (another great line of stats) from last night's game.  Sherri had told me that that game was to be a 'good test'  (really!?)  I would have liked to have seen it too.  Life does offer so much, but it also teaches balance and compromise.  You can only do what you can do.

The thought struck me this morning that I spend a lot of my time alone.  I thought for a while about that and whether I feel alone.  If feeling 'alone' is a bad feeling then I don't feel loneliness.  It's not just that I am used to it, but it is something that I accept and perhaps it is something that I prefer.  And, it is not that I don't like people.  During any given week I am out and mingling, mostly on
Sunday, but it does happen and I am perfectly okay with that.  But the fact that my 'chosen' work isolates me a lot, well, I'm okay with that too.  I have tried to look hard at myself on this 'alone' thing and I just don't feel 'alone'.  There is this connection that I feel deep inside and although I really can't articulate it well the word 'connection' describes it because that's what it is.  I feel connected to people, to family (especially to Sheila) and to something spiritual and beyond myself.  Somehow, I also feel connected to myself (if that makes any sense) and 'complete' when I am properly engaged in my allotted work.  If I take a moment to miss Sheila, I do feel her absence and I often go upstairs to sit and watch for her to return at the appointed time.  But how can one so blessed be lonely?

I realize that I have been blessed this past week to be able to pretty much live normally while I have been sick.  I did my work and even felt okay to get out and about on a few occasions.  The only day that I really crashed was Sunday when I stayed in bed instead of going to church and I was able to recharge enough to be there for our FHE.  I felt so good that I thought it was done, but realized by Monday that my cold was still hanging on.  Now, Tuesday a. m. , it is still here, but I don't see it interfering too much with my routine.  I was up before 7 and I showered and dressed and now I am ready to work in my office for what ever lies ahead.  I wanted to look up on the net to see if I could find a recent chart about the number of LDS stakes but I couldn't find anything currant.  Yesterday in the paper I read of # 3,000 over the weekend.  I am amazed at that.  Do you understand what is going on?  All of the numbers are showing an amazing thing taking place.  My little life pales to all of that, but it is all that I have.  I continue to try and understand how the two fit together.  It is my biggest conundrum. I invite any ideas you may have. 

Sheila said that she counted 36 twice, but they kept moving so she wasn't positive.  Lets see 2 + 5+ 11+ 2+ 6+ 5+ 6 =37!  (give or take a few)  It made for a full house, and noisy, yes!  But fun, for sure.  I would sit and just enjoy watching them interact.  They get along so well and I can only wonder about how different their lives are and will be with so much family to share them with. It makes for a logistic nightmare, but worth the effort.  December will be full of similar events:  the 2nd (last night)  the 15th, the 16th the 22nd and 24- 25- 26th)  By the time Shelli's birthday comes on the 31st I will be perfectly willing to let her celebrate on her own and go to bed early on New Year's Eve.  (imagine 2013!!)  So do I have stuff to worry about, sure, but these important things that matter most, after the work and the clean up they are all keepers and continue to give and give and give.  What is it that they say:  'Isn't it all about family!'

I know that my 'followers'  don't anxiously rush to their computer each day to read what I have written.  I really can't expect that of them as I do understand life and the way that it works.  But I keep on doing this in hopes that it can be a good thing, eventually.  Right now I have years and years of journals laying about in dire need of being organized after our flood of just over one year ago.  I have deep and strange feelings for them as they do record a part of our lives that is so dear yet mostly forgotten as we trudge along through each new day as it comes and goes.  Imagine, this morning is the 1st day of December, 2012.  (For me it was my 1st time of 60, which has been five years in the making!)  In my efforts to 'make a living' I do take time to try to 'make a life' which entails remembering and pondering on what really matters to me/us, and, of course, that is YOU (meaning each of our 8 and now 30 that make up our family)  (I guess my fondest wish for Christmas would be that I have 30 'followers' rather then 6, and know that maybe, just maybe, they would read me every once in a while to make not only my journal worthwhile, but to validate me which is what I try to turn into the written word in my journal.) 

With me still being sick it was no surprise that the inspiration that came into my mind this morning was to read my scriptures about the 'restoration of the body' in Alma.  It was nice to refresh my 'hope' for that event which isn't actually 'hope' anymore.  It is a fact that I rely on.  Course my sickness will be long gone (I hope) while right now it is in the final stages, but still a pain in my butt (figuratively).  But the effects of my stroke of 02/02/02 still weigh on me and it will be a wonderful thing to have back what that took from me.  I see a balance required in living with the 'hope' of that restoration and the reality that I face everyday.  It is the same lesson of balance required in all things hoped for and the reality of those same things in our daily life.  It is apparent that we all have that same kind of a challenge, that is a balance between our hope and our reality.  How can a 14 year old shoot himself to death on his way home from junior high school unless his hope/reality scale is really out of balance?  You can see it everywhere.  Life is what it is and we have to 'live' with that, but life will be what it can be and we must continue to live FOR that.  Sounds simple, I know, but it really is the hard challenge of why we are here, and has to be that way. 

Compared with yesterday I feel fantabulous this morning.  That is a good thing, a very good thing.  I was surprised at how good I felt when I woke up.  The alarm actually woke me up too, so I knew that I had slept well also.  But then my wisdom or my skepticism started in a bit.  Yes, I felt great compared with yesterday, but  I know that I am not at 100% yet.  But I can live with that.  I will keep on getting better and go through the stages that I have gone through many times before.  But I am so on my way and it does feel real good.  I can continue to deal with all of the other stuff that is challenging me.  We have so much to weigh and so many decisions to make about the serious things in our life.  It is quite a burden, but no more then anyone else has to contend with; in fact, less then many.  I was able to get back to my routine this morning (59) and I have to say that it really felt good.  Now I hope that those other 'stages' like runny nose, headache, cough, and general blahs will come and go quickly, but for now --bring it on, I am ready!

I am really feeling sick today.  I can get by  with my voice nearly gone and with a few sniffles.  But my body is now fully engaged and I hope I can just work my way through it.  They call if a common call so I guess we all suffer it now and again, but I don't feel 'common'.  I feel lousy.  Timing, of course it is bad timing.  But it is here and I just have to deal with it.  I know that it will affect my day, but I still have to do what I can do.  Wish me luck!

It's as if my idea hasn't completely hatched, but I feel a need to write down what it is so far.  I hope that in the writing it may continue to take shape or at least I will have recorded where I am right now so I can then take it where it needs to go.  I realized this morning that I have pretty much lost my focus about a lot of things in my life.  We are in a new stage in our life and we face some things that we haven't quite figured out yet.  My own personal 'set' seems a bit out of synch and searching.  So there I was laying in bed this morning doing my pondering and I was taken back to a time long ago and far away when I was in a similar situation.  We had just come home from the hospital with Sherri.  I was given a very real, yet subtle lesson about my priorities.  I came to know that 'now' I was number 3.  It took me a while to really accept being # 3 and even longer to understand it.  But it did become my reality, and has been ever since  (dropping from 3 to 10 eventually).  I guess that since then I haven't figured out just where I stand.  And our present seems to have exacerbated that problem.  Perhaps that IS the problem.  Where do I stand?  I look at it as a spiritual problem trying to figure out my place.  Not exclusive to me, I know.  But maybe I now have a starting place: back then it finally became clear to me, so I hope that it will do so again as I consider it.

Used a quote from Hugh Nibley in my priesthood lesson yesterday.  He is commenting on an Alma 42 quote where man is described as 'carnal, sensuous and devilish' and he adds the word: 'stupid'. The whole quote is used to show that Bro. Nibley doesn't take himself or the rest of us too seriously, and that the fact that we are 'stupid' isn't really what we are judged on anyway.  He believes that we are judged on how well we repent and forgive.   I do believe that he makes a valuable point.  I also realize that the full meaning of 'repenting' and 'forgiving' is still far beyond my understanding.  I will ponder on that and see what I can learn, but focus on what I need to actually do about what I learn.  I had thought that I was done with school, but I find myself being more of a student now than ever before in my life.  I do tend to take my studies more seriously now as well, but I see them as quite serious, hence some frustration as my teacher (the Holy Ghost) deserves much more in the way of commitment and accomplishment then did my earlier teachers and professors.  It makes for a full time effort that I struggle giving because I want to relax or play, but really should be working even harder then ever before.  There is so very much to do and so little time to do it in. 

I didn't realize that it had been since Tuesday that I wrote of my new 'sunrise-sunset' principle.  But it  has been on my mind since.  And after last night even more so.  The BYU women's soccer team lost a heart breaker and I felt for them.  All night I thought of that and then in context of 'sunrise-sunset'.  I realized that there is a lot of stuff we feel very seriously about in this life that will just disappear when the 'higher' context is realized.  Now I know that 'sport' can teach gospel principles (remember that?), but change the context and you change everything.  I have been pondering on my own priorities relative to all of this.  I see a connection with the 'law of consecration' as well.  I am trying to put it all together and I see it making wonderful sense.  I am grateful that we actually can change (in fact, that's really what we're here for) and I see lots of need and lots of opportunity to change.  My two challenges to that are my time and my energy.  Hopefully, I'll find sufficient quantities of both before that 'higher context' becomes complete for me and is forced upon me.  For now I choose it and will apply the 'elephant' principle to my effort.  (Do I make any sense at all to you?)

We throw around the word 'perfect' a bit, but rarely do we really examine what we mean when we use it.  In church we hear a definition that kind of blunts the  meaning or defines it as 'complete or whole', but something less then we might use in order to make things a little easier on ourselves for 'striving for perfection'.  I guess that that is okay.  It really is a way to really put pressure on ourselves and that can get so demanding.  We also realize sooner or later in our journey that becoming 'perfect' can be a proper goal, but our time frame requires adjustment.  We come to know that this '2nd estate' of mortatily isn't sufficient and much more will be required, even far into 'eternity future'.  I could describe yesterday as a 'perfect' day, but I can't.  Mainly for the reasons stated above.  I save the word for a much more eternal context.  But it was certainly a great day, a wonderful day, a blessed day.  But there was just too much missing.  The whole family was not there.  The realities of mortality were there (can't eat it all even when it tastes so good!)  There is this feeling that there is always room to do more service, more good, or just more.  BUT considering that mental muttering it was, indeed, a 'perfect' day.  Now to make this one much the same.

For the past several days I have been reading some of the Facebook entries on Sheila's account from ward members and friends.  There have been some who have apparently been doing a sort of 12 days of Thanksgiving listing things that they are grateful for.  I have, myself, been considering that, so today is the ideal moment to list make mention of all the many things that I am grateful for.  But as I tend to do, I have been trying to figure out the top of the list thing.  Now that doesn't mean that I am not grateful for other things like family, friends, our nation, my work and our ward family.  I am, and I can say that I have grown tremendously in my old age in learning how to be more and more grateful.  But I have decided that for me I am most grateful for truth.  In coming to that selection I will mention what I have learned about rules about truth.  Not in any particular order:  "Truth isn't something that automatically appears in your mind and heart and is readily a part of you.  It does exist, but it has to be 1st found; 2nd accepted and 3rd lived.  Only then will it 'make you free' and affect you for good."  I also know that truth is so much of a responsible that it is given out carefully so as not to overburden one who is not ready to receive it, for once given 'much is required'.  I also know that truth in its fulness is found within the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  And that is the truth!!

I've been pondering on my entry from yesterday a lot this morning.  It seems that I have a thing in my head that I just can't seem to identify or understand.  Maybe it is something like a 'sunrise sunset' idea that I am still looking at through earthly eyes, where that does make sense here and not there, maybe what I am trying to understand doesn't make sense here, but does there.  So how do I get 'there' or create a context of 'there' to apply to my thinking?  There is only one way that I know of and that is to take faith and see things in there spiritual and eternal aspect.  Easier said then done, right?  But having this new perspective about the things of heaven being higher then earthly things does help me to relax a bit and realize that understanding will come and that I do need to deal with the way things are here and now first and the rest of it will take care of itself.  I feel more relaxed already.  I have quite enough to fill my days and night anyway.  But I am really glad that I now understand what I will call my 'sunrise-sunset' truth which is quite a liberating truth that has application to so much.  Do you see it?

There is this truth that I know now, but did not know before yesterday.  It has been on my mind this morning and I would like to share it with you.  I believe that it contains many lessons that can help us.  In our lives we see daily the reality of our sun and our moon.  They exchange places and we cannot undervalue the effect that they have on the life on this planet earth.  We rely on the sunrise and the sunset for time, seasons and life.  Tevia sang about 'sunrise, sunset', and there is much of science telling us when they have and will occur at any given location on the planet.  It is a fact that they rise and set and this is measured and continues with great effect of life in general and for each of us.  But go to a higher place and the truth is that they actually do  not rise or set at all! What a lesson on perspective and context.  Is it possible that other facts or even truths are this dramatically different depending on perspective?  Is reality always real?  There are so many lessons to be learned, but one for the moment will suffice:  Don 't always think that your point of view is the only point of view.  There seems always to be a higher place where things are shown to be so very different.

Another Sunday has come and gone.  And I am still faced with pretty much the same confusion.  Yesterday was really a better Sunday.  I was busy more.  I enjoyed a couple of hours watching tv with  my wife.  I did some home teaching plus a research and deliver service project for a 'brother'. But I still did not feel like writing and I did have a touch of what I will call my Sunday blaahs, even though I admit upfront that that word is really not a good fit.  I tried to examine the feeling this morning.  I am still stumped as to what it is that I am experiencing, but I do know that it is quite real, confined to a Sunday and not really bad, but now good either.  It does go away as I get into the swing of my Monday routine and I don't think about it much again until the next Sunday.  I figure that it is related to my whole person, but more so to my spiritual well being.  It seems to be 'saying' that I need to be doing more, but comes on a day of 'rest' and the end of a week that I need some time to recover from and therefore have less energy anyway.  I should also note that that kind of describes my stage in life:  coming at a time when I need to be doing more, but having less of the energy that I need.  (And is Sunday my best day for reconsidering and evaluating that kind of thing?)  Whatever, I can't deal wit it anymore right now.  I will continue to immerse myself in my Monday routine, hope to be productive and continue to fit my 'eternal' with my 'present' today when it actually matters.

My morning has been a bit upside down.  My decision to count my workout as our new pumping ritual made the difference.  All of the snow from last week has been melting the last couple of days and slowly filling up my stairwell.  Since our pump apparently died we have developed a new routine using Robert's shop-vac.  We vacuum up the water, dump it into plastic buckets and take them up the 12 stairs and dump them down the drain.  (Our first try we took them into the bathroom downstairs and dumped them into the toilet or the shower--the change was an improvement)  We had to pump last night and I counted that as my 59, but I felt quite good so I figured I would still do my push ups.  Then just before I went to bed I decided to pump again and the two jobs equaled the 59.  During the night the water was still dripping and I was up at least 4 times checking the level.  It finally stopped and I probably could have just waited to see if it went down on its own, but I had left my exercise to that so I decided to drain it to make sure.  I had done some office work to ready my Saturday and then finished the pumping.  During my last 4 or 5 buckets I was joined by my wife and now after finishing my office work to be sent out today I am finally doing this.  Our Saturday should be very nice.  The temple this evening and just enjoying the weekend.  (And I hope that BYU wins tonight: football, basketball and soccer)  (but the temple will be the best part)

I'm not used to kid chatter coming from the play room as I sit here in my office.  I guess that I once was, but that was in a different life that is so far back in my memory that it has been filed over and refiled to almost extinction.  Now it's back along with early morning visits by little ones not in my dreams.  I can't complain.  But I am glad that it has an end for now.  Cicily gets back from her trip today and we will be back to 'normal'.  I find it a bit overwhelming to expand my day's thinking beyond what I have become used to.  It is tiring enough to just do 'my thing' let alone have others around.  And that little tyke (Jonah) is a handful when he is left entirely to me.  Ah, grand kids.  What a complex bundle of wonderful thoughts and feelings do they bring.  I often do try to remember what my life was like back in the day.  But beyond fleeting images and memories that is behind me and I have moved on to another stage that presents its own challenges and rewards to the point that it is all that I can handle.  Even looking into the future becomes difficult if you define that more then tomorrow or 'in a little while'.  My days take everything that I can give, and then some.  But that is not a bad thing.  It's taken me years to be able to live more 'in the moment' and I am finally starting to be able to do it.  "One step enough for me" is becoming my theme.  Hard to admit though, because I've always wanted to "see the distant scene"; still do, but I'm learning how to settle for the here and now and let tomorrow take care of itself.

 I have put this off by reading my paper first.  I usually don't do it that way, but I just didn't have anything in my head that was ready to come out and be recorded.  My head isn't empty, in fact, it is quite full.  I just can't decide what to write.  I just looked at a headline in my Mormon Times that I have not read yet that reads:  "Sometimes, God does intervene".  I will read it in a while but the idea stirs thoughts in my head.  I have recently talked with Sheila about that idea.  We discussed the 'prime directive' of free agency that seems to go against that idea of God's intervention.  But I do know that intervention has and continues to occur, and I am very thankful that He does.  I wonder what Bro. Peterson has to say about the subject.  As for me, I guess that in almost all of my personal prayers I actually ask for His intervention.  "Thy will be done" does that, doesn't it?  That idea goes along with another thought I had this morning that life is complicated.  We treasure 'nuggets' and sayings, and short scriptures and themes and 'sound bites', but even though they are meaningful they can never tell all of the story.  This 'one eternal round' is absolutely so much more then it seems.  And it will take me much more then this mortal lifetime to grasp it all.  The others are wonderful as we journey, but ultimately we must be able to embrace the whole.  And that does have to be 'eaten' like the proverbial elephant, one bite at a time!  Happy eating!!!

The headline of an article I was looking at as my computer was coming up reads:  "Prison-bound ex-mayor says he should have heeded wife".  He did not, hence the story.  I realize the truth of that advice, but I extend it to really the doing of anything that we have been taught to be wrong by wife, family, church or Heavenly Father.  It seems that I fail that way daily.  But I also think that I have actually been specifically tested on truths that I know, but need to really transfer from my 'head' to my 'heart'.  I believe that I had such a test yesterday.  Me vs. my old nemesis, depression, had a round that was quite dramatic and fruitful.  It was a mini-lesson with maxi-results.  I could say it was a graduate lab experiment with purpose.  And I actually can record that I am grateful for that experience even though it certainly was not pleasant.  "I know better then I do" is a line from a talk that I remember from near 30 years ago.  I have often re-visited that idea.  I believe my moment from last night had to do with moving the lesson I did know to the part of me where it now should take root and become a part of me with all of its branches and subtle nuances.  Progress is painful, but necessary, and it isn't anything more, or less then I have come to expect.  It makes for today being another interesting opportunity.

She didn't say 'good bye' to me this morning.  She did say 'will you do me a favor?'.  Knowing that I could hardly refuse, I asked what that might be.  She said 'at 9 turn the crock pot on low'.  I changed my wedding ring to my left pointer finger to help me remember. So now I have a bit of anxiety about that small task that has been entrusted to me.  I usually do a pretty good job at stuff like that, but sometimes I forget to remember.  Sometimes I feel my ring on my 'remembering finger' and don't remember why it is there.  Such is my life!  I see this hierarchy of my reality.  There is this higher area of hopes, dreams, aspirations and ideas about how I want things to go and what I want to do.  Then there is this area of reality which is really never the same.  And I have to acknowledge a third area I will call 'hindsight reality'.  That is where you look back and examine things and see how they really fit into a larger scheme of things.  Just as reality affects anticipation of things, it also affects our history of things.  Sometimes we are able to see the 'threads of our lives' that have been woven into something much more then we had realized during that moment of living a particular thing.  I have heard the statement that God can do more with our lives then we can, and  believe that that is true.  That is where the 'history of our reality' comes in.  That is when we look back and realize that things are never quite as bad as we thought that they were, and sometimes actually catch the vision of just how wonderful they really are.

I like Sundays.  I really do.  But there is something about my Sundays recently that really bothers me.  It comes along after we get home from church and I sit down to relax and have desires to accomplish something and then I just freeze.  On FHE Sundays there is plenty to shake me out of that, but other Sundays I go into this sort of stupor and just vegitate.  My energy level drops as well as my level of desire.  By day's end I don't even have edge enough to write in my journal.  It is apathy to a degree that I find intolerable, but so overwhelming that I surrender and just let the minutes tick off until I go to bed and simply wait for Monday to start.  I guess that the only good thing is that it bugs me enough to want more and better.  I want to understand what and why so that I can fix it.  I don't want it to be that way.  I see that as my first step.  My second step is recording it this morning.  That way it is officially on my mind and high enough on my list that maybe I will keep at it so I can figure out how to overcome it.  (Suggestions are welcome.)

My initial thoughts have been that it is pretty normal in a 'personal journey plan' such as mine to have anxieties like this, which may just be the sign that that plan is actually working.    Once I figure out what is going on (and I will) then whatever hard part comes next I will deal with.  It's not as if I am a rookie at this.  I realize that this process is familiar to me.  It is called 'stretching' or 'growing' or 'making progress'  maybe even 'becoming'.  The specifics are the mystery, the generalities are well known to me.  It is just life and trying to make 'the measure of my creation'.

I felt justified in skipping my 59 last night. Actually, I didn't skip them, I replaced them with another exercise.  I did the 'carry and flush' too many times to count which worked my arms, my shoulders and especially my back muscles along with many  other groups that have been strangers to my routine, but have expressed appreciation to me for their recent work out.  The 'carry and flush' is bending and lifting and then carrying a shop vac full of water from the stairwell to the bathroom and dumping it into the toilet (or shower to relieve tedious repetition) and then repeating the process over and over.  I am grateful to my workout partner for spelling me several times during the workout and giving me encouragement.  As you may have guessed this new exercise regimen wasn't one of choice.  We worked for over an hour trying to get our pump to pump, but no way, too cold or too old or just broken so my wonderful wife came up with 'plan b'.  In hindsight it wasn't so bad, but I feel badly that I didn't ace my 'furnace test' the way I would have hoped for.  A little grumpy I got when faced with such a dilemna.  But finally pass, I did.  And it appears that I will have more opportunity to qualify again, 'over and over!' 

I usually sit down and have something on my mind to write or that I have been pondering for a while in my early morning time.  Today is a bit different because I have so many ideas that I would like to record.  But I chose to take a different slant then I had supposed.  My day has been different already for several reasons.  As all of you know (except maybe Nick who is there, not here) a pretty major winter storm has arrived.  It blew all day yesterday and caused concern with the leaves that ended up in our skimmer and pretty much stopped up our pump.  Last night I was ready for bed when I noticed  'the sound' so I threw on sweats and slippers and went outside to empty it out.  This morning Sheila had to be to work early and I got up when she left (before 6) to sleep in my chair.  That's where I do most of  my serious thinking.  It was going so well for me (the pondering, as well as the sleeping) that when I finally got moving it was actually just after 8 (that's not normal for me).  After my scriptures and my 59 and my prayer I checked the skimmer again.  This time in a wet and snowy winterland I rescued the pump again.  Now I am in my office.  So many thoughts:  the viewing for my cousin Danny.  Dinner out with the Winders.  The new project.  The death of my cousin Danny.  Worries about libe, liberty and the pursuit of money.  BYU basketball on tv.  My church job.  And of course-Sheila and the results of our union which are absolutely overwhemling and my reasion t'ete.

My intent was to give some ideas to Elder Porter that would help him  understand why people are not willing to listen to him and his 'army' about the restored gospel of Jesus Christ.  I ended up writing lots of stuff that has been floating around in my own head and I have put them to paper (?) in a good way that has caused me to just keep going in my own pondering process.  Trying to understand others is a good thing, but the best result is to be able to better understand yourself.  After all, we are only actually living that one life in the midst of all of the others doing the same.  I guess that if things are perfect for us then we might go on trying to 'bless' others, but I find that my energy is best spent concentrating on me.  That seems a full time endeavor.  But I do find benefit in my observations of others especially when I then turn them to myself and use them to help me deal with my own 'stewardship'.  Pride, selfishness and idleness  hmm.  How am I doing?  Just this past couple of days I have been wondering about my own work ethic.  I have found myself with some free time and I haven't used it as well as I could have.  I am taking myself to task in that and have started to make some improvement.  I'll let you know how this new project works out.

In my 'letter to Nick' yesterday I attributed the characteristics of 'pride, selfishness and laziness' to those not 'striving for Zion'.  This morning in my pondering I have continued to examine that idea and have some additional thoughts.  It seems that there is something more to be considered as many 'evil' ones work very hard at their craft and many 'without law' do as well.  We all only have the same 24 hours in a day to use for good or bad and it becomes difficult to evaluate this complex idea by the number of hours one puts in or compare hard physical labor with mental labor or creative or artistic endeavors.  Besides, not being able to look into the heart and mind makes it impossible to assess one's motives which is the real issue.  Also, we believe in recreation and contemplation as much, or more, then some others, so more needs to said about the opening blanket statement.  D & C 58 says that one 'should be anxiously engaged in a good cause' and in ' 'righteousness'.  So even working really, really hard for pride and selfish interests isn't the answer.  One might quip that working less for a righteous cause is better then working more for an unrighteous one.  The 'why' rather then the 'what' then becomes the focus or the answer to the question.  Everything in D & C 4 can and should fall into the righteous catagory.  But what about the 'worldly' tasks that absolutely need doing?  How can they be handled so they at least don't distract from our righteous desires?

This entry is an answer to a letter I received yesterday from Elder Porter, but it is also an opportunity for me to articulate what I have been thinking lately.  I hope there is something of worth for others.  Nick expressed his frustration in finding that most of the people that he meets are not exactly receptive to the message that he has come to know and love.  He understands agency, but that doesn't really explain it.  I have considered the same question since my own mission and have a few thoughts that I have recently been able to organize.  I refer to what has become my favorite scripture:  D & C 4.   I have found that it contains the answer to almost everything.  My idea is that people chose pride and selfishness over the gospel or are lazy in keeping the commandments, and that is the major reason for the opposition here in mortality.  D & C 4: 5 reads 'faith (in the Lord Jesus Christ) hope (in the atonement of Jesus Christ) charity (the pure love of/for Jesus Christ) and love (for God and our fellowmen) with an eye single to the glory of God'.  Note that each of those ideals are 'outward'  supporting the idea of a 'broken heart and a contrite spirit' (meekness) which are required of us.  To turn 'inward' is the opposite of what we are commanded to do.  In verse 6 you can define those 10 character traits as positive and 'outward' as well with their opposites representing selfishness and pride and idleness.  It is a list to be pursued regardless of the fact that it will take a lifetime plus to acquire them.  Verse 7 describes for me a life of communion with God during our journey to return home, while the opposite would describe being lost, lonely and wandering in darkness.  We are all free to chose our path and looking outward and to our Heavenly Father is obviously the correct choice.  Most seem to chose otherwise.  BUT I must add that the knowledge or truths that I have described are not in the minds and hearts of most of the people that Elder Porter meets.  Most are wandering without that 'hope' or the understanding of the love of God or even the knowledge of who they really are.  This is a very limited formula to judge individual people.  Sure, some we encounter have understood and turned away from those truths, but most are still looking.  That is why Nick is where he is right now.  It is for you, Elder Porter, (and the rest of us too) to truly live according to the formula taught in D & C 4 so that when the Lord desires to use us to reach out to another of his children looking for Him we will qualify to be worthy to be used in such a cause.  We know that most of our 'family' will ultimately chose a lesser blessing then the one that we are pursuing.  That is their right, but we want more for them and us.  And we have to live as though all of us will 'find the treasure' so that all will have that opportunity through us.  Verse 5, 6 and 7 need to be our guide that will finally cause us 'to be like him, for we shall (return home) and see him as he is'.

It's now Monday morning so I guess that I took the day off yesterday.  It sure wasn't because I was resting.  But it was a really good day full of good Sunday stuff and especially good family stuff.  I was up and off to choir and we actually had a number of folks there as we starteed to prepare for Christmas (!).  After the blocK I spent most of the time preparing my part for our lesson in FHE.  It was simple, but I believe that it worked and added to a really nice evening of chaos and soup.  The kids were are in typical form and really taking advantage of the opportunity to be together.  I know that when I take the time to think about it I realize what a really terrific thing it is to have it that way.  I didn't as a kid and my kids only slightly more.  But this group of family really has a great opportunity to appreciate the idea of family in a much better way.  They really seem to flourish and I can stand the noise once a month (or more when needed).  Thinking of family, yesterday when I bore my testimony (about continue vs. endure and unwearingness!) I mentioned to start how the boundary of family has started to blur for me.  I have such positive feelings for so many in our ward.  They really do play a role in my life, and even more, they make me want to have a positive infuence in theirs's.  (haven't figure out how to do that yet, though)

Our Friday was pretty much dedicated to attending the state high school volleyball tournament so we could watch Cortney and her team compete.  It worked out quite nicely that I could leave the office.  And we decided to take advantage of the logistics and stop in American Fork and have a big lunch at the Rodizio Grill.  The rest of the night was all volleyball and we didn't get back home until after 10.  It was a real thrill for me and for grandma to watch the matches.  Cortney was the reason that we went and we were proud (in the good way) to be there with her.  Her team won the first match which was pretty close, but nothing like the second match which they lost in the fifth set 18-16!  I felt badly for them, but then that is the nature of sport here on this earth.  These earthly contest have a winner, and they have a loser.  But being a loser is not what some make it out to be.  Imagine playing almost two hours and the least margin of victory (18-16) determines the outcome.  But it can never really determine real winners.  They are defined by their participation and there progress and their heart.  In 'real' life there is more then wins and loses which go into becoming champions and winners.  They will compete again today and have more opportunity to compete with others against themselves in their effort to become better,  better athletes, better teammates, and better people, especially better people.  And as an unbiased grumpa I note that my granddaughter is a real winner at all of those.