Okay, Shelli.  This is for me and for you.  I woke up today with some inspiration that I followed and it led me to some answers to my little problem of last night.  It actually got me on a right track, and I intend to continue to ponder the idea.  The thing that flashed into my  mind was the theme of Southern Virginia University where Nicholas has just finished his freshman year.  I have seen it on some of their advertisements, but I remember it from the open house that the two of us attended while Nicholas was checking it out.  Being a small liberal arts university they use 'The Genius of Small' as their motto or theme.  They are talking about the intimacy of the place where the students get more attention and can be really involved.  It is a model that works well for them, and I believe that Nicholas has really enjoyed his time there as well as flourished as a student.  But I took that thought to a little place.  I thought that I needed to step back and start to appreciate the little things in my life.  I knew there was a scripture that addressed that idea and I found it this morning:  Alma 37: 6 'Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness, but behold I say unto you that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.' I suggest that you read verse 7 too.  The hint to me was to look small instead of big.  So I tried that today.  I did small things.  I appreciated small gains.  I tried to just keep busy with small tasks.  I found that it helped me recognize small victories.  It wasn't as much a change in what I was doing, but in the way that I perceived what I was doing.  I found it to have dramatically changed my frame of mind.  It was good medicine for me.  I hope to delve into the truth of it more tonight and maybe I'm on the verge of developing a new and valuable character trait.  It won't hurt, and it may be a big, big help.  Try it!

I have a hard time figuring myself out.  I wonder if I'm more normal that way, or if somehow I am really, really different.  But Sundays do something to me that often times is not comfortable.  I'm am feeling that right now.  Here I am near the end of the day, and I do not want Monday to come.  But I am not very crazy about right now either.

Earlier today was okay.  It was nice to get back to our ward after a week off, and coming home to just Sheila and I for a quiet day seemed really good.  But as the day has passed I am feeling negative about myself and I don't really understand why.  I am trying hard to examine me and figure out what is going on inside, but all I can tell is that it is really a bit of an unpleasant feeling.  It is not really new.  I have experienced this on Sundays before.  In fact, for a long time it was pretty much the norm.  I couldn't understand it then and I can't understand it now.  It is going to require a lot more study and introspection, and who know, maybe I never will find a satisfactory answer.  Perhaps the fact that I feel like I never got last week closed off because Richard did not come back after leaving the office on Friday morning is part of it.  I feel unsettled about where I am.  So that should pass by tomorrow as I expect that he will show up and I can settle that situation in my mind.  I know that it is related to Sunday being Sunday, but the why of it all still eludes me.  So maybe it will go away as Sunday goes away and I won't be able to study it out because it will be gone and replaced with Monday and that brings its own new set of parameters and feelings.   So I may have to wait until next Sunday and see if it happens again.

I'm having a real tender evening.  We went to the temple earlier and when we got home I found a show that we could watch together that had a 'weepy' ending.  Then we turned it over to the ending of "The Blind Side" which also is 'weepy'.  Now I'm here at the computer and we read comments on Cicily's blog and then one from Shelli about my entry from last night.  I am overwhelmed.  I feel such tender feelings and to be appreciated like that is a great blessing to me.  I thank you (Cicily and Shelli) for your comments.  Makes me believe that I deserve it.  Here these old grandparents are just trying to get by and we were able to see that we do make a difference (the star fish thing) and it is so nice to be validated.  So today has been a very different Saturday.  It is nice to have some of the highs too.

Today has turned out a lot harder then I anticipated it to be.  Actually, it started in the middle of the night.  I woke up and finally realized that my wife was  not in bed beside me. I listened carefully and heard her 'sleeping sounds' ( I can't say that she was snoring!)  I discovered that she was asleep on the couch in the front room.  I surmised that she was worried about the rain and that we might have to pump.  She does that so she can better monitor the water level.  I don't know how that works, but I know that that is what she does.  About 2 hours later she came in the bedroom and told me that we needed to pump.  I usually figure she is being overly cautious and we would have time, but I just put on some clothes and joined her.  When I got there she said that the pump would not work.  I had a small touch of panic, but for some reason that we later figured was inspiration I went into the storage room and checked the panel, found the  switch that had triggered and reset it.  I yelled for her to try again and right away I heard the pump start.  After a time we were both back in bed trying to get warm after standing outside in the rain.  After that our Friday was pretty normal, and I did keep busier more so then I had predicted.  But that interruption in my sleep has caught up with me.  I'm sure that she feels the same way, but she has 4 munchkins that will keep her up while this old dude will simmer down and probably get to bed early.  I did get more done then I planned on too, but the best part of my day was the time that my wife and I spent in deep conversation about gospel truths and realities.  I think that we really do have our priorities right.  We know what is important to us and we know what we can expect from life.  And yes, we know that it isn't all positive.  What we aspire to will come with its own built in pain and suffering.  Eventually certain kinds of pain will be done away with, but it will still exist and for ever make what we want a challenge that will require our diligence and perseverance.  But we know the treasure and we are willing to pay the price.

I'm still uncomfortable with this new format.  Hopefully sometime in the future I will get one of my children (or grandchildren) to explain it all to me.  For now I will close my day and then take this tired body upstairs to bed.

I have to count today as one of the most productive days I've had in a long time.  Its the 3rd day in a row that I have had more work then time.  And even though  it feels like I have run out of work for tomorrow I believe that I actually have enough to fill most of the day without even getting to the 'lesser' tasks.  I do know that Friday brings with it it's own unique feeling and I will probably think more about where we can go to dinner then about work anyway.  I have already started doing that as I type.  I said that I do have work to do, but for some reason I feel like I don't.  Maybe I'm just tired from so much for these 3 straight days.  I need to be tougher then that.  

I was just on Facebook and reading from a couple of sisters in the ward.  They were expressing negative feelings.  It made me realize that it is such a part of this human experience.  We all do it.  It is real.  And we all have to deal with it.   Simply put I have learned that it is a choice.  We have the power or access to the power that will help us overcome.  But if we 'wallow' then we make it stronger.  I admit that I feel it every day.  I believe that I deal with it pretty well.  But oh what a powerful foe it can be sometimes.  I challenge you (and me) to just choose to beat it.  Choose the light, the bright, to fight and choose the right.  we can do this.

Yes, it did look the same when I saw it on the blog.  But it printed differently.  Maybe there is something that I need to figure out how to do differently.  But for  now I am just happy that I got it to work.  I continue to learn.  There is just so much, and every day I fall further behind.  So all I can do is what I can do.  As for today, well, it was certainly a day of work.  I don't remember having so  much work to do for a long time.  Now, that is a good thing.  But work does require exertion.  Certainly not hard physical labor, just 'hard, physical labor'.

I feel proud of myself because I kept at it.  It will continue tomorrow too, and even when I get done with the 'timely' stuff I have lots and lots of lesser tasks that need my attention.  The pressure really is quite enormous, but nothing more the what my sons and daughters deal with in their family and work responsibilities.   In fact, I am not willing to trade with any of you.  I'll stick to my own, thank you very much. 

I encountered a new blog setup when I tried to log on.  I am so un-savey when it comes to computers that I began to think that I would get lost and not be able to do my entry.  I hope that I have figured it out and this new unfamiliar look will become as routine as the old one was after a while.  For right now I am still worried and quite intimidated by this new set up.  I almost forgot what I was going to write about when I started:  My newest grand daughter to be actually called me grand pa tonight.  We were invited to dinner with the rest of our new family after Bryant's setting apart as a missionary and when we left Kaitlan called me grand pa.  Sheila said that she called her grand ma too.  That was a good sign for me.  The evening as a whole was very nice.  It will take some time for it to become real to me.  For now it falls in the 'too good to be true' category.  I do admit that I let the schedule event of the evening take me away from my regular work day routine.  Even Sheila took a long nap, and that is most unusual for her.  My less that hard working day and a taxing social/spiritual event this evening (not to mention overeating) has really taken all of my energy. I'm not sure if I can stay up to watch the 2nd half of the Jazz game, but I will give it a shot and try to make up for it all tomorrow.   Now we'll see if this new set up will work for me or not.

I forget sometimes that days come with their own special baggage.  I didn't think that about today, Monday, until just now.  I remember that Mondays are almost always harder because they are transitions days from the weekend and Sunday to work days, and also because work on Friday needs to be replenished and it usually takes at least a Monday or maybe a Tuesday to get back up to speed.  Today was affected by that and even though I did find some 'housekeeping' (office work) to do to keep me mostly busy it was easy to fall out of the mood to work.  I do still get to worrying a bit, but its been happening this way for so long that I am able to look past it and hope that things will get back to normal (adequate).  Of course when I worry I worry about everyone and that is hard on me.  I wish that I could stop, but it is just the way that it is.  So I get used to letting go of the day and to think about what will be tomorrow.   And I except the reality of my worry expanding to include lots more then it used to.  There are so very many that I am concerned about and I wish I could be all things to all of them.  But, alas, I cannot.

When I sit back at the end of a day and review what has taken place I sometimes have a different point of view then I had during the day.  And it is not always more positive.  I find that I wish that something had not happened or that something happened differently, or I sometimes appreciate something more the I did before.  I tend to be a little more negative when I get tired and that is a good thing to know about myself.  I do need to stop it because it is not really fair to the truth of what has really taken place.  And besides in the inside of my head things seem to get diminished rather then enhanced.  I am thinking that I just need to let the day go and concentrate on what is coming next.  I can't change it.  It is what it is.  And feeling badly about it is not productive.  All of this may seem like babbling.  But I see it as learning something new that I did  not know before about  myself.  Whether or not it will do me any real good remains to be seen, but it is something to think about.

 

It was good to spend time with the family (past and future).  And besides we ended up getting a free meal.  It is also good to realize that people will never be just what I want them to be.  It is a thing to be learned relative to block 1/block 2, and an important thing too. They are who they are.  I am who I am.  They are as much as I am.

 

Do you understand what I mean?

I have my ring on my 'remember' finger so I will remember to take my blood pressure before I end my day.  Hopefully my level will go down from the 5 match volleyball game I just watched.  Then I will go upstairs and pretty much end my day.  It has been so-so.  It was an almost summer like day, but for me I spent my time inside so it didn't really matter about the weather.  I guess that today proved the boring part of what I wrote last night.  I did get some office work done, but I certainly didn't work myself too hard.  Sheila went to the store early and then spent the rest of her day (and still is) babysitting.  We'll be taking the twins to Sharon's church tomorrow to the farewell.  I don't know how the rest of our day will go.  I'll just take it as it comes.  I don't think I can rest anymore tomorrow then I did today.  It has been really low keyed all day.  I do have so much going on in my head.  I try to think hard, but usually all I do is go to 'almost' sleep.  But I can't really say that because I believe that my mental processes are really working quite well at this stage of my life.  I am getting smarter as the days go by.  I pick up things from life, from the scriptures, from talking with Sheila and, I hope, from the spirit.  I really believe a lot does come from the spirit.  I'm not quite sure just why, but I believe that I am doing a lot of 'growing'.  I hope that that is true, because I'm not doing a lot of anything else. 

I pretty much hit my wall this evening.  A real busy week has caught up with me and I need to be able to relax and hopefully have a goo and long night's sleep.  For some reason when I don't feel pressure to get up and into the office I relax better.  And Saturday is normally the only day in the week that gives me that.  Sunday isn't so bad, but there is this shaving thing that I have to do.  Anyway, tomorrow is it.  I know that I won't sleep in like really sleeping in.  I seem to have outgrown that.  But its really the mindset that I have that seems to do the trick for me.  

Today Nicholas opened his mission call:  Atlanta, Georgia, Spanish speaking!  It appears to have surprised us all except for Spencer.  I have been thinking a lot about my mission since that show on last night.  It is still a conundrum to me.  Maybe if I live a long time more I will be able to appreciate it more and more.  I was such a dumb kid back then.  I wasn't bad or too rebellious, but I sure didn't get it.  It all seems like a dream to me.  But then my life isn't a whole lot different now.  It is still a dream in a way, a lot better dream now, but a dream none the less.  Sheila and I spoke about that other conundrum we have.  This 'unusual destiny', have we missed it.  When will it happen.  And what the heck is it? We seem to be too boring to be 'unusual'.  

Another busy, busy day and I am ready for a break.  It was tiring, draining my energy, but it 'dulled' me even more because I didn't have much of a break all day.  I do like being busy, and I didn't work every waking minute, but more work then I am used to.  I sometimes wonder how those sweat shop workers from history past or 3rd world countries in the present do it. (or did it)  I imagine just laying down and giving up the ghost if I  had to work that hard.  So I am not complaining because I know that despite my complaints I have a pretty cushy job.  But now I need sleep as much to restore my energy as to restore my edge.  I just feel worn down.  And I still didn't get all of the work finished today.  Real close, but there is still some left over for tomorrow.  Funny how you can get to where thinking about what you will have to do in the future tires you out too.  I really need this night's sleep.  I hope that it is all that I want it to be.  

And I am still carrying around the emotional pain that I wrote about the other night.  All of us have pain, and I am learning a great lesson about block one to block two.  If you don't know what that is just ask me to explain it to you.  It is a major and essential part of my personal philosophy of life.  I thought I understood it well, but there is so very much to learn.  I figure that my education will continue well beyond whatever years I have here in this part of my journey and last for a longer period of time then I can even imagine.

All of that work that came in yesterday kept me real busy today.  I was in the office early and worked until around 6 pm.  And I only got about 2/3's of it done.  So tomorrow will be a good, busy day too.  Sheila had her asl class cancelled tonight.  So she didn't have to go outside in the cold that I predicted would be warm.  I just reread last night's entry because I found a comment from Cicily about it.  It made just as much sense to me on the reread as it did when I wrote it.  It seemed to be from someone else though.  After 500 or so entries I find that I do come up with some good stuff from time to time.  I have always aspired to be a source of wisdom and good advice.  Maybe that does happen to me sometimes.  I do work really hard at it though.  Nothing comes easy and especially 'wisdom'.  I would like to say that I have it, but I think that it is a lot humility.  You know, if you think that you have it, you don't.  If I am privy to a little wisdom I know that I can really use it myself.  Maybe being wise requires being wise yourself.  It is something that you can share, but can't exist without following it yourself.  In that way it does differ from service and charity which needs to be given away to return.  Wisdom has to be practiced as well as shared.  But is also more valued when spread around. I don't know about this roll of father/grumpa.  I just hope that I get better at it.  After all, it is really the most important thing that I do. (husband too)

I do know all of the right things to say, especially the right things to say to myself.  But sometimes you feel things so powerfully that knowing the right things doesn't seem to help.  This life can be plain painful at times.  One thing I have learned about that though is that the pain isn't always for yourself.  In fact, most of it is for someone else, especially family.  And the thing that makes that kind of pain even more painful is that it comes with a feeling of such helplessness.  There is such a desire to do something, yet so little that you can actually do.  But that still doesn't make it hurt less.  There is a scripture that comes to mind that says something like:  'oh that I were an angel'.  But then is goes on to teach that we need to learn how to accept things the way that they are, if not outright be content with our lot in life.  There's that 'furnace' thing again.  And I guess that we can't have it be a 'furnace' without the reality of the heat that comes with it.  Pain is real.  Hurt is inevitable.  Suffering is simply built into the plan.  Get used to it.  Accept that fact, and learn how to deal with it the best way that you can and never forget the 'so what section' (D & C 122).  And also remember that it will be over one day, and Heavenly Father really is in charge and all this really is designed to be a blessing to us, eventually!!

I had lots of ideas about how to start and what to write about.  But I found a comment from Shelli about last night's entry that I ought to address first.  I said that my comments were NOT apostate.  I merely questioned this new church 'rescue' program.  Well, not questioned.  I just had some questions about it.  One was about the role of a ward clerk and I wondered if they are doing right by being in the clerk's office during the block.  I did have a suggestion about doing home teaching more like visiting teaching where you can count a visit more liberally then a home teaching visit.  Anyway.  We talked a lot about that yesterday, Sheila and I, and we feel okay about what went down.  I was amazed at how much I have seen go on in the church in my 65 and 1/2 years of observation.

I turned the Jazz game on with 1:29 in the 4th.  A long time later the won after 3 overtimes.  And I know where Pres. Uchtdorf was during all that time.  Even with an extra day I am relieved to have our taxes enveloped up and ready to be mailed tomorrow.  That is always a surreal experience for me.  I'm sitting here sort of dressed up because I was called to help with a blessing.  I had to get out of my sweats and that is always a surreal experience for me too.  So here I am in this other world, but ready to come back in time to try and sleep through the night.  My #1 chore for tomorrow is done, but I do have much more that will demand my attention.  But that is a good thing.  I'm still working on verses 2 3 & 4 but verse 1 of 'my' song fills me with lessons to learn and truths to grasp.  Have you looked up that song to see what I am talking about?

I mean to salvage today after I finish here by trying to learn the last 3 verses of 'my' song.  It won't actually be a 'salvage' job, because the day has been pretty good, but it was at the top of my list for today and so far I have neglected it.  We just finished watching a good Sunday type movie ("Amazing Grace") and before that we spent some quality time just talking about our day.  I had kind of complained to the Bishop about something and we discussed the subject.  I was smiling and merely suggested how a new 'plan' needed to be pursued (according to me).  I felt good about my 'suggestions' and we were both in agreement that I was not being some kind of apostate, but merely pointing out and asking questions.  So my Sunday has gone pretty well so far.  Now we'll have to see how well those last 3 verses go.

Seems that having more time on your hands in a day is no guarantee that you'll get more done.  There is always something else that can come up or be thought up to use the time.  And Saturday has a couple of extra diversions that come into play.  There is usually a chance to sleep in some and then sometimes there are shows on tv (usually sports) that take up time.  There is also that regular standby diversion of just doing nothing.  That one works especially well on a Saturday.  Today's weather made that  one even more appealing.  So I did a minimum in order to satisfy some lower standard of desire and entertains other diversions because I could.  I did compromise a bit by doing my 60 minute workout while watching the volleyball match.  BYU was so efficient that the match ended before my 60 minutes did.  Anyway I finished and spent some time with Cicily and kids before they left to go home just before I came done to type this.  Now I will try not to think about all of the things that I could have done but did not do, and simply finish my routine and go to bed.  Sunday offers different opportunities and challenges so I will turn my focus to it.  Oh, Shelli thanks for the comment about my entry of yesterday.  I will start my new medicine tomorrow and we'll just have to wait and see if it'll help me make my doctor happy.  Losing 5 pounds was good for a minute yesterday, but he is a hard one to please.  My push ups impress him, but I'll see what I can do about doing even better.  We don't have insurance but I have been able to con  him along with my exercise and telling him that I eat better then I really do.  But so far I have been able to fool him as well as the tests that he has me take by examining my blood and peeing in a cup!

My day was pretty much focused on my doctor's appointment at 4.  Of course there were other things going on, but that appointment was at the center.  I knew that I would do well and I expected to really impress the doc with my good number.  I was right in almost every instance, but I learned that my blood pressure lower # was not good.  In fact, I had all 'a's except that.  He was so unimpressed that he prescribed another pill for me to start taking to affect that number.  Heck, I had even lost 5 pounds from 6 months ago and we had purchased that new blood pressure machine and all.  It was a bit of a bummer.  So we went out to the Golden Corral where I over ate to celebrate.  The rest of the day was pretty much forgotten and as I sat and watched the BYU men's volleyball match I was just passing time before my day was (is) over.  (They did win.)  Now I have a Saturday to do and as usual I am going into the weekend pretty tired for my long work week.  I'd like a break of sorts, but that's not going to happen.  So I'll just do my best (which really isn't my best) and see what life has in store for me this next two days.  Then comes Monday and I know what it has in store for me:  taxes!!!

It just isn't fair.  The hours of the day are not equal.  Some come with so much pressure that no way can you be successful.  Others come with less pressure but than there is guilt if you don't fill them up.  The evening hours are the worst.  You are ready to relax your way to the end of the day and all of  a sudden you are swamped with stuff to do and maybe time to do something, but no energy or desire to do anything.  Then you normal routine stuff seems like a large burden and even though its stuff you do every day it seems overwhelming and you'd like to just hide away from it and start over fresh in the morning.  New days do help you to feel better, but its not always easy to escape that sinking feeling of falling further and further behind.  A short memory is required.  So that's what I want right now:  a short memory.  Then I'll get up in the morning and pretend that I'm starting our even.  Course, I know that by the end of the day I will be behind again.  Then I'll need to forget all over again. 

I wonder what it would feel like to be on top of things?  You know, to be caught up and just waiting for the new task to show up.  Instead, I feel so overwhelmed and have for so long that I know that it is a task impossible to catch up.  That goes for not just my work, but my journey as well as each and every one of my relationships.  Last night we were talking about how we can never catch up on being in debt to Heavenly Father because his blessings keep coming and our efforts to be worthy keep falling short.  Well, that same thing goes for my wife, my children, our friends my work and every other area of my life.  It is a bit of a depressing thing, but I am getting quite used to it.  And I am starting to accept it as well.  It is just the normal state of things, kind of like all of Murphy's Laws.  It seems that one more of them should read:  Your ability to pay will never catch up to your opportunity to receive.  And that's the truth!

One good thing is that it tends to keep you humble.  That is, if you really  believe it and understand the 'law'.  I do.  The humility I am working on still.  So much to do and so little energy to do it with.

I am getting smarter as I live longer.  I am beginning to recognize the things that happen in a day that affect me positively and make me feel good about life.  One thing that I notice is that despite my life of near solitude I do enjoy some people especially when it is related to church discussion or family.  And family and church is a real day maker for me.  My day was going alright, but then at our family home evening dinner I enjoyed some Irish stew made with mutton (Sheila didn't like it very much) and then some discussion that I did participate in ( I even sang a song) and afterwards Sister Hogan told me that I was 'special' and Bro. Jackson said nice things about me too. So I got my strokes and I came home feeling quite good about my day.  But being old it all exhausts my energy so I am ready to end my day even though my spirits are still floating a bit.  (I also have to go use the bathroom.)  I actually was surprised about my #'s today, they were really quite good.  Maybe all of this fretting that I do is really a waste of time and energy that could be better used.  And I also starting wondering about how to have this every day.  Is there another life out there for me?  It makes me wonder.

This was the kind of a day that I needed to find a name for.  I have had days like today, but I never gave them a name.  I decided that today was a 'transition day'.  That means that I got a lot done, but  it was stuff outside of my main work stuff.  I filled my time with good stuff just not a lot related to the kind of work that makes me my money.  One task was my eye doctor appointment that took a big part of my afternoon.  He gave me my annual check-up and I went away with light sensitive dilated eyes.  I am pretty much back to normal now, but I am glad that it is behind me.  I also closed out week # 13 and was able to give us a check.  (which Sheila promptly spent on our bills.  We had to clean out the skimmer several times today.  And I did do my 60 minutes on my bike tonight because I need to keep doing my exercises even though I really don't like doing it.  I do, however, like the results of doing it.  I am taking my blood pressure right now and I have been doing my blood #'s consistently for several weeks.  I have my annual doctor's visit this coming Friday and I'd like to do well and make up for not doing what he asked me on my last visit.  So today was 'transitional' but I hope that tomorrow will be much more in actual money making work and that I will be able to get back to that after a bit of a lull this past few weeks.  The alarm went off this morning at 6 for the first time in over 10 days.  I didn't want to get up but I did and I did do okay in the office, but I ended up doing more 'other' stuff then 'work' stuff but now I know what to call it.

Maybe I'm just too old to ever feel like I am fully rested.  It seems like I am always tired.  I go for a while and then I need to rest or eat or something to get back my energy.  I try to go to bed early or to sleep in late but sooner or later I crash and then at the end of the day I am really out of fuel.  It seems that my youth is so long ago that I don't even have a good memory of energy.  Here it is my 'day of rest' and I did rest, but I am still exhausted in spite of actually not doing much of anything.   We did take a drive and, of course, we had church this morning, but it's almost as if I need the work day to come so I can take it easy.  If this is what it means to grow old then I say that it does have some disadvantages.  There are some advantages though to being old.  I get to call the ladies in the ward by their first names.  (They still call me Brother Weaver.)  And I do believe that I live a little smarter now then I did when I was young.  I seem to have my grand kids fooled into thinking that I am something our kids do treat me kindly due to my age.  And the best part is that having been with Sheila long enough to grow old together we really get along well.  It is such a special thing to have a friend that has been with you long enough to really know you well, and still decide to stay around.  We really don't have to entertain each other much.  Just being together means so much by itself.  I can't really describe it very well, but its like living one life instead of two, but still being two different people but walking and stumbling forward as one.  Words really do fail, but just being together is what it is.  It seems that we have been together so long, and yet we are still just beginners when we think about where it is that we intend to be.  I still don't understand why, but I sure love that we are.

I am at the point of exhaustion that affects sleep.  In other words, I may be too tired to sleep well.  It has been such a full day and it feels like I have been on my feet most of the time.  I know that that isn't really true, because I wouldn't have lasted this long if I hadn't sat down a lot of the day.  Today was our annual Easter family party and Easter egg hunt.  It was a really great day, just very demanding.  I started off getting my lab test and then I sat in my office for a few minutes, but work was hardly on my mind.  Cortney got here well ahead of the crowd, but eventually we had Sherri's family, Sharon's present and future family, Richard and Kathy, Shelli's family and Shauni's family.  I think 30!  A few are still here, but I need to go to bed.  I am soo glad that tomorrow isn't a particularly early morning.  So if I am able to sleep I will arise rested and ready for Sunday.  If not, well, it will be another long day. 

I am happy to have my wife back home.  I spent much of the day texting her and talking to her on the phone tracking their progress from Phoenix to Draper.  I also got a little work done along the way.  I did do the dishes, but I didn't pre-wash so I'm not sure that she will be happy with the results when she checks the dish washer.  Having her back was the best part of my day, but I also felt good for at least 2 other reasons.  1-I took time to realize that things aren't as bad as I have been thinking.  And 2-I had a thought come to me this morning that has been nourishing me all day when ever I took time to think about it.  It is building on 'my song' "Think not when ye gather to Zion".  It probably won't mean anything to anyone else, but it does to me:  'how best to survive the furnace?'  So I am ending my day early as I am even more tired then I was last night and I am going to ponder my song and my saying and try to be ready for everything that tomorrow will bring.

I am running out of gas.  I am also running out of enthusiasm and am ready for my wife to get home tomorrow night.  I recognize that not only my energy has drained, but also I am becoming apathetic because my 'heart' has been missing now for almost a week.  I believe that I have done quite well to be at it until now.  But I feel tired as if it were Friday night.  So I plan to go to bed early tonight and try to regroup and refresh overnight.  I do want to watch a show at 8-9, but I am doing this so I can turn off things down here and go right up to bed.  I feel like I was productive today, but my week still has been quite slow.  There are a lot of factors that contribute to that, most of which are outside my control.  So what I can control I have tried to work hard at.  But I can't get guys to work and I can't get businesses to not have their own cycles of things, and I can't conjure up work.  So considering it all I am trying to do the best that I can do.  I can't underestimate how much Sheila being gone does affect me.  I have texted and talked to her today, but it isn't the same.  This whole week has been okay, but like I wrote above" my 'heart' has been out of town.

I was able to fill most of my time productively.  That was my purpose, to keep so busy that I wouldn't have time to do much thinking.  It was a day of work that has been waiting for a while.  I normally have trouble motivating myself to do that 'less important' work.  So I let it pile up and when I don't have a lot of the timely stuff I need to kick myself in the pants to get me going.  It was hard today, but finally I did get myself going and I actually got a lot of good stuff done.  I will have the same problem tomorrow because my 'timely' work is all caught up and all I have is some more of that 'pile' work to do.  I might even have to create other work is I get it finished.  If I think about it hard enough there is almost always something that I can figure out to do.  Maybe it will be more important tomorrow because my cooking is becoming less and less thrilling and the dishes are piling up.  I am getting bored with my own company.  I did get an invite from 'ci ci' a new follower on my blog go join 'them' at the zoo tomorrow.  It comes right at my crucial time to be here, but it was nice to be asked.  I am thinking about going out sometime tomorrow night to buy me some dinner, but I'm not sure that I will do that.  It is a challenge to at least try to feed me for another day.  After all Sheila did do a lot to have stuff here for me.  I'd like to think that I can handle the chore on my own.  

 

Right now 'they' are at the Mesa Temple Pageant.  I'm glad that they are taking advantage of doing that while they are there.  And now it appears to be less then 48 hours before she will be home.  Yeah! 

I text-ed back and forth with Sheila several times today.  We even talked on the phone once.  That didn't make it a whole lot better.  She still wasn't home.  I did control it okay, but my life is different when she is not here.  I'm mean that my life is boring enough when she is around, but to be left to myself I am as bland as well, real bland.  I wasn't frozen or down though.  It just was sort of lifeless.  But I did go through the motions that I needed to go through.  And my day was acceptable.  So now one more is gone.  It is early to end my day, but I want to just sit and ponder and do some reading and some thinking.  That is one thing that I try to take advantage of with the house so quiet.  (Quiet when I turn off the television that is.)

 

I didn't go out today except to get the newspaper this morning and the mail this afternoon.  Oh, I did go out back and wash out the skimmer.  Wow, isn't that exciting.  I am learning how to do this texting stuff.  I find that my fingers are too big, but the finger nail on my left hand it just right.  I am unable to do it with 2 fingers.  That is a skill presently beyond my capacity.  But I can live with that.  After she gets back on Friday I think it will be rare for me to use that skill much at all.  I guess that my cooking skills are about on par with that too.  I hope to not require them much either after Friday.  

 

I am trying to do my blood #'s and my blood pressure a lot so that when I go to the doctor in 10 days it will make up for my slothfulness in the last several months.  I hope to have lots of days of good #'s to show him.  So far, so good.  Now if I can just learn the last 3 verses of 'that' song.

Although yesterday did count as a day lived and a day closer to my wife returning it didn't count the way that today did.  1 today was a work day and 2 I was on my own for all three meals and 3 I did drive away twice on very short errands, but spent most of the day here in this house and my office by myself.  I did take a short snooze once but never really got to take the nap that I thought about.  I will probably stay up later tonight just to have some time to ponder (pensive exercise), but I figure that I will get very tired very soon and not end up very late at all.  I did have a thought that hung over me this morning.  It has been my practice for a long time to follow the scriptures and 'pray over my flocks' (work) in order to ask for 'prosperity'.  Well, this morning I couldn't do that.  I kept thinking about those who have virtually nothing while I pray to have even more then I have now.  That just didn't feel right.  That has been some what of a debate in my mind.  I am surprised about the troubling thoughts about that that have come to me.  It makes me feel helpless to help the problem, prideful to as more for me, and grateful for what I am blessed with.  These are some very real and strong feelings stirring around inside of me.  I really feel like I need to study this all out very seriously.  My 's' for 'serious' is really getting 'serious', and I am surprised by the weight of these matters that seem to matter to me so much right now.  It really does seem that I did come away for general conference weekend a changed and better person for this discussion that has been thrust upon me and grabbed my attention.  Who knows, maybe it is a sign of good changes to come.

It is a little early for me to call it a day.  But it sure doesn't feel like it.  I guess that the reason that I am so tired is because of conference today.  I also drove to Kaysville and back.  But conference was the most draining of all.  I think that that says how good it was.  The more energy expended the more effort to connect, the more tired I end up.  (Or something like that.)  I did speak to my wife a couple of times.  I am glad that she is enjoying her opportunity to be there.  And I will try to use my time here well too.  It has been a good day away from my normal work routine.  Yesterday I tried to do a little work with a lot of conference.  Today was only 2 sessions, but they were pretty much the focus of my day.  And like yesterday there was so much to ponder on and I expect I will for days to come.  Now with Monday coming and the reality of me being alone setting in I figure it will be more difficult for me.  Maybe not, but probably.  Without conference going on I wonder how well I will fill up my days or if I will take time off and just wait out the time.  Funny how one of my thought from conference tends to answer that concern.  So it may just be a really good test for me to see how much I learned today and yesterday and just what it can mean for me in my journey.