Yesterday Linzi posted the following on Facebook:  "If nothing ever changed, there would be no butterflies".  Later in the day when 'grandma' read that she liked it so much that she wrote it down with the idea that she might put it up somewhere in the house to be read.  I got up this morning thinking about it and as is my ilk I changed it to suit my persona and came up with:  "Change, believe in it, cherish it; for if nothing ever changed, there would be no butterflies, And there would be no You!"    I believe that to be true.  After-all, doesn't that one word describe all of life in the simplest way?  From the way that we start our mortal journey to the moment of ending it we are constantly changing.  And each day in between is really an effort to change, to take advantage of, to mold each moment of opportunity to further, and to continue a process to change from what we are to what we can become.  I believe that we are all destined to become 'butterflies' in a real celestial sense and need to 'believe' that we will, not just that we can.  Oh, I do know just how easy it is to be distracted from that.  In fact, I have become expert at doing so.  But when I am at my best (or even just trying to be) I find myself 'cherishing' the opportunity that we have been given to be here, doing that.  And the really neat thing about it (the process) is that we can do it together, sharing the pain of the challenge and the joy of the transition.  One day we will all have our wings and be able to fly.  Take opportunity as it comes and know what 'will' be!

With our anniversary coming up next week I started thinking about what I might do for my beloved.  It will be # 44 so I checked on what gift is attached to 44.  On the 'traditional' list there is nothing listed.  But the 'modern' list lists 'groceries'!!!  Now, even I am not that cheap!  Then I let my mind wander to far away and expensive places (like the Grand America Hotel) with fancy dinners and even a couples massage and a swimming pool and a fitness center and 24 hour room service.  Just the room would be about $300/night after taxes!  When Sheila got home from work I went over all of that with her.  And, true to form, she balked at the high cost.  We started thinking about alternatives that would be much less costly.  We did find a 'couple's massage' for almost 1/2 somewhere else, and staying at home would cut that expense way down. Right now it is all still in the planning stage.  But we will do something, maybe going to Cortney's ball game (last time we went the senior discount was 'free') I'm not necessarily soliciting suggestion, but good ideas would certainly be considered.  At least we don't have to ask for someone to volunteer to babysit for us.  Also, this Saturday is my anniversary.  I'm still trying to figure out the 'why' to all of that.  But I don't fret over it.  It happened, and it is what it is, and it could have been so much worse.  So, happy 11th anniversary.  At least I will always be able to figure out how old Hunter is.  (Besides, it does get me out of a lot of stuff!)   We're already near a whole month into this year of 2013.  Life just keeps coming too fast to think about it too much.  You just have to live it and try to keep up.

It's now Monday morning.  It has already been a pretty full day.  (it's 7:15) What I mean by that is that my mind (and heart) has already been full of stuff carrying over from the weekend as well as some new stuff from these early morning minutes.  Yesterday had so much stuff going on in  my head that I am still sorting it all out.  This morning was the feelings I was having when I got up to the sound of a snow blower and snuck a peak to see our neighbor doing our driveway and sidewalk.  Sheila was off before 7 and was worried about the snow, but I told her that she would have no problem and I got up and watched her leave to confirm my prognostication.  Then, while I was getting up and ready I snuck peaks at our phantom snow angel to make sure I knew just who it was.  It is our neighbor, Bro (*) West.  Reminded me of Shelli telling us how she felt to keep receiving.  I tend to take it all in stride, but my feelings are a bit more tender right now to have watched him our there doing that for us just because He is a good person.  I also did my 61 last night and this morning after slacking a bit and rationalizing how hard it was.  But yesterday something happened at choir practice to get me back on track.  Something a ward friend said to me made me think more clearly and determine to just do it.  We felt badly that we used the bad weather as a reason to not go to Richard and Kathy's for his birthday bash, but did our best to use that time here together and it was a good evening for us to sit and talk.  Oh, by the way, last Thursday I got online and applied for social security.  We thought a lot about it and I finally did it and afterwards wondered why I took so long.  I felt that it was the right decision and I believe that future events will confirm that.  I did my lesson yesterday, but it is still with me so much.  When you pray and work and fret over trying to make progress and change and then when it actually starts to happen it is kind of a scary thing.  I have started something and I can't turn back on it.  I'm not sure just where it is going, but it taking me somewhere and the 'one step 'I see is exciting, but the 'distant scene' beyond that makes for some anxiety.  Exciting but anxious goes along with my 'overwhelming' and pretty much describes where I am right now.  The way I see the last few days is as a short stop to rest and re-figure.  This new week is a new beginning of sorts.  You know. 'the first day of the rest of my life' sort of thing.  And I find that this 'new beginning' is really big for me although I really have no reason why.  Maybe it is just the 'same old, same old', but maybe not!

I don't understand why I've been reluctant to write today.  I should have done it first thing this morning when I got into the office.  I was actually here earlier then normal because Sheila woke me up at 6:33 instead of me laying in bed until after she leaves.  I did get a paper this morning (yesterday I was missed somehow.) And so I was able to check up on Cortney's game from last night.  When I read about it the words out of my mouth (actually one word):  'wow!!"  Quote:  "Cortney (finally got her name right) Porter had a very solid outing for Bonneville as she scored 26 points including six treys and added seven rebounds and seven assists."  [59- 41] They are now 15 and    0!  It was her highest scoring total ever (high school) and I value it more then a d-d.  She is first just a great person who happens to be quite an athlete.    

To continue, after a lengthy discussion with  my wife, I say that I have been obsessed lately with perfection.  The lesson that I am preparing for Sunday got me started and my heavy pondering has given me some serious thoughts that are resting rather uneasily on me. In fact, I am really quite unsettled about my ideas on the subject.  It is as if I am doing some graduate lab work on the subject and trying to grasp the subject that I once was comfortable with, but now seems to be challenging me to a much deeper understanding and a much better practice of principles related to the subject.  All of that being said it seems to really be a good thing, a positive step, greater light and knowledge and simply a more mature knowledge of something good.  Seems to be verifying that I am quite serious about this learning and growing and stretching and becoming.  I wonder if it will be something that can be noticed from the outside.  That's where 'yall' will have to be the ones who can answer that.

What is wrong with me?  It has been way too long since I last wrote and I have no excuse.  I just could not (did not) actually do it.  I have been out of sorts in other ways too.  But in all of my pondering I haven't yet figured out what my problem is.  There has been lots to write about like Cortney's double-double and our family temple outing and me finishing my book and deciding to read it through a second time.  My Sunday wasn't bad, but kind of a microcosm of this thing going on inside of me.  Lots of questions and few real answers.  I did realize, however, that I tend to ignore some answers when they come.  I have to take that into account in my deliberations.  Then Monday was special in so many ways, but worrisome to me as to how I may be perceived.  This family of ours did come through for Sheila and worked long and hard to transform her room.  It isn't finished yet, but well on the way.  And there I was just trying to stay out of the way.  I know that I don't think often of my 'disability' from my stroke of 02-02-02, but yesterday it was always on my mind.  The particular tasks that the family used in that project used the particular skills that I do not have because of that stroke.  I felt useless, and worse, I felt like some or all would think I was just being lazy.  That, coupled with the other struggle going on inside of me made for a rather 'down' day in the midst of a very 'up' day.  Together they created a day of contradiction (which actually did feel very 'normal').  Maybe it is all because of this frigid, dismal weather, or maybe it is just a phase that I am growing through.  It may be a particular lesson for me at this particular time.  Maybe something else that I haven't as yet discovered.  It is probably some of each.  But it isn't anything worse that what I and all of 'yall' (Elder Porter speak) have to deal with. So I cannot and will not let it stop me.  (I coined a new (to me) phrase this morning.)

I will just 'forge forward'.  (Acknowledging the 'furnace of life' and the will to continue.)  I will just 'forge forward'.

I would like to be able to answer all of the needs of my children and grand children.  I would like to, at the least, answer the needs of my wife.  But I don't.  I have fallen into a routine that revolves mostly around just being here in my office or in my bedroom reading.  I don't feel like I have much contact with my family, at least, during the work week.  I don't even get out of the house much.  So my journal becomes more important to my mental and social health and, I hope, fills a need for the limited number of family who read it.  I know that my mind is full of thoughts of my family throughout my days, but I do try to keep on doing my thing which mostly revolves around you-all, but does have obligation to things and tasks that have to be dealt with and do take me into the world and away from family which is the more important thing.  As I have often referred to in recent entries I am at a really strange stage of my life.  The word that I use to try to describe it most often is 'overwhelming'.  There is just so much going on that this new year, as new as it is, is really different from last year for me.  I don't begrudge this new regimen because I see it as progress and a major step in a positive direction.  But it is even more 'overwhelming' and it will take some more time to get used to it.  I'm going to just keep going, and any observation or advice from any of you will be received graciously.

As hard as I try to be tough and impervious to life I do have my soft and reflective moments, some of which might actually be described as tender.  I have put off writing today until now, keeping busy with other things.  But I have a moment and an idea, so I am here.  The last few days stuff has been happening to my family.  Now that  things are seemingly on the rebound (that's a pun on Hunter's operation--get it?) We (mom and I) realize that we pretty much took things for granted, but some serious stuff was going on.  Still is in some cases, but our faith is more then just strong, it works in all aspects of our life.  We just expect things to go a certain way.  I believe that that is one of the many blessings of having faith.  You just expect things to work in a certain way.  There really are great blessings to trying to be good in this, the true church.  The blessings are far more then what I can comprehend at any one time.  I wonder if you can appreciate what it is like to be a grumpa to this clan and be able to observe all of your lives moving forward with the challenges and the blessings.  Its as good as any book, which by the way I am now on # 6 having finished one last night and started another one today.  Still am anxious for this freeze to go away with distant memories of warm summer days haunting me now and then.  My life seems to pass almost like a dream.  The days go slower, but the weeks zip by.  I seem to be a bit unattached to my life.  Can't really explain what I mean, but so much is going on inside of me that I haven't been able to sort it all out yet.  Kind of like I am trying go fit the little boy, and the man, and now this really old guy into myself and so far it isn't a complete package.  It seems a fun game to figure out and then takes on another interesting twist when I try to see in all happening together in my future.  Now don't plan a family council to talk about having me committed.  But just watch closely and see for yourself if I am just oddly sane or pleasantly crazy.

In about an hour our grandson, Hunter, will 'go under the knife' at the Primary Children's Medical Center.  Seems his appendix is way beyond his 11 years and giving him problems.  Seems that Shelli and Phil are 'enjoying' old home time at the place that is oh so familiar to them.  Kinda like 'Cheers' where everybody knows your name.  When I heard last night I had virtually no reaction.  It's not that I am callous, but it seemed just another day and I had such peace about it that I hardly reacted.  Earlier in the day we had talked to Shauni who was having an issue of her that was as serious, but again I had such peace over it that I seemed barely concerned. We had heard about Sharon's experience of the last week or so, and thought of it in much the same way.  Others are or were sick and we took note and then moved on.  I hope I haven't become hardened to these kinds of things.  I don't think so.  I believe that I just have a peace of mind that comes and helps me deal with them.  Last night we went to a dinner with friends to say farewell to 'Sid and Jeri' who have received a call to serve a mission in Nauvoo.  It was 'their' night and we didn't feel our usual negativity towards them (her).  Afterwards we talked about our feelings and found that we both are at peace with where we are.  Neither of us are satisfied with our circumstances, but we are happy in them and we do have peace about our earthly journey.  Do we wish for more and better, yes, we do.  But we count our blessings and just try to meet each new day and get a little bit more done.  As much as life seems to be in control we have figured out how it works.  We try to render unto Caesar (life) that which is Caesar's and render unto God that which is God's.  Everything is a balancing act and we do our best.  It doesn't always work, but for the most part we get by.  I know that Hunter will be fine.   The Rosbach family will score more hours in their PCMC dance card.  Shauni will heal and so will Sharon and all of the rest of you, regardless of what it is that ails you.  Mom and I will continue to get older, but better, and I see more good ahead of us all, because even the bad is good when you are at peace.

I've begun my work week and put Sunday behind me (sort of).  I got up to a profanity laced phone call near 7:15 am and just kind of blinked my way back to reality.  I got into the office and enjoyed reading Cicily's blog and Facebook and smiled because the Bronco's lost (thinking of a lady in our ward who will be miserable because of it--Phil will be okay since His Patriots won!)  I am taking some time to transition from my weekend to a 'normal' work-week.  BUT Sunday continues to be on my mind.  It wasn't a bad day. In fact, it was a good day.  But maybe I have too much time to think on Sundays and when I over-think stuff I tend to come up with unanswerable questions.  I worry about things that I can't really do anything about, and I try to hurry life, which I have learned can not be done.  Life has it's own pace, and resists any and all efforts to make it go faster (or slower, for that matter).  My review of the day reminds me of events of service that I hardly remember, so therefore, don't give much credit to, but DID happen and were good.  I just am not very good about being aware of them (maybe that isn't such a bad thing too!).  One of the things that I over-think is how I fit into our ward family.  Sometimes I do the same thing with our own family.  Am I relevant?  It is hard for me to see the reality of my age and place in a ward of youngsters starting families or raising them like we did, but way in the past, and to see most of them no older then our own children.  I guess that this being 'old' is something I haven't quite grasped yet.  I realize that there are perks, but there is a down side too.  And Sundays just give me too much time to think about it. 

If you think about it you can see that our human species is a very competitive group.  The animal kingdom compete to survive but we compete to compete.  There seems to be this innate drive to, well, is it to do better for ourselves, or to be better then others?  I believe both are at work and that is another competition that concerns me.  I guess it is not a bad thing to try to be 'better', but there seem few ways to do that which don't involve someone else, and 'we' have pretty much decided that to have a winner you need to have a loser, or many losers. This competition has always been here.  Our history, whether secular or religious, include contests pitting brother against brother, family against family, and people against people.  In my present stage of life I still strive for things in a kind of competition, but I am well past the games and contests of my youth.  I wonder if that is because I can't, or because I won't.  Have I grown old, or have I grown wise.  Perhaps the truth lies somewhere in between.  All of this is a result of the BYU volleyball contest I watched last night.  'My' team lost in the 5th set and it invoked feelings which I have been examining.  Early this morning I was taught something that edified me and has been on my mind and expanding.  I start with a phrase that worked itself into my reality that has meaning for me, and hopefully will make, at least, a little sense to you:

MY ULTIMATE CONTEST IS

ME VS. MYSELF

IN THE ARENA OF ETERNITY.

EVERYTHING ELSE IS

JUST SPARRING IN THE

PRACTICE ARENA OF MORTALITY.

 

 Now I realize that 'here' this 'sparring in the practice arena of mortality' is a big part of what we do.  I know that "Sport can teach gospel principles' and I know the great pleasure I get from watching my grandchildren do well in their contests.  I also believe that they have been and are being taught a true and proper perspective of what is written above.  I am glad that this has finally been made clear to me after these many years.  We are told that 'THE' ultimate contest is between good and evil, and that the final result is not in question.  The thing being resolved is where we will stand.  And that contest is, indeed, going on inside us all.  One of the ways that we are being tested in our own personal journey is how and why we 'compete', and how we define those we compete against.  Even how we react to those who try to conduct these competitions.  It is a very vivid and consuming part of the 'furnace of life', and a great place to learn the lessons of 'the' contest which we are all engaged in.  Winning the eternal reward should always be the focus while we are here engaged in this life and 'sparring in the practice arena of mortality'. 

We all know about our Utah weather.  We do have 4 distinct seasons, and sometimes all in a single day.  This morning it was almost warm and the ice on the pond was melting.  Tonight it is a major snow storm out there and it is frigid again.  They are hyping it a lot but I'm not sure that it will end up being all that bad. Course I'm not out in it.  I will have to venture out before I go to bed to go over to the church and I will do my duty, but I'm not exactly excited about it.  Either way, lots of snow or just more snow my hope is that it won't affect my work too much.  I am having a pretty good week and I sure do want that to continue.  Let it snow up in the mountains, but give us a break down here.  Last night I finished my book (s) so I started another one today.  This one is a little book and a 'true story'.  But it still an 'lds' book so I feel okay about counting my reading as my study time.  When I got into the office this morning the first thing that I did was look up the results of Cort's ball game from last night.  She was featured with a 'double-double' and her Laker's team won.  They remain undefeated. Sooner or later...but whatever, she will survive.  She know what is important, so grand daughter enjoy the ride where ever it takes you. I wonder how the rest of 'them' are doing.  I know that Sharon has been sick.  I heard that Cicily's been under the weather too.  This living within yourself, but at the same time living with and for all the family is a complicated deal.  I hope that I can learn how to do it better.

Oh my, I didn't remember to take my blood pressure.  So when I reviewed my last entry I did remember, but I don't think that I will do it tonight.  I have remembered my blood # every morning, but when I do my blood pressure I do it 4 times.  My #'s have been good so if I skip tonight it will be okay.  Happy birthday Phil, and a belated happy anniversary to Shelli and Phil.  I teased Shelli this afternoon about only being at 13, but she said that you can't skip from 1 to 43 so she is where they are and that's that.  Can't argue with it so just enjoy and keep counting.  Right now Cortney is playing ball.  I will look it up in the morning and hope that they do well.  12 and 0 would be 'well', but I just hope that she has fun and doesn't get herself hurt.  I still look at her pictures on the walls of my office and remember her from her beginning.  It is so fun to see her grown and 'old' and doing all of this stuff.  I wish life were such that I could see all of her games.  But I know that even Russ and Sherri are not able to do that.  So far my day has gone quite well.  I am almost 100% well and enjoyed a little sunshine and a little warming today.  But I understand that the next two days are going to be stormy and snowy.  We'll see how that affects things.  Sheila has to go out into the weather more then I do.  I guess that I am getting pretty soft.  I am still going through what I described before as a strange time in my life.  I can't quite figure out what I am feeling.  I do a lot of pondering and right now a lot of reading.  I should finish my book tonight if not then by tomorrow for sure.  It has filled my head with thoughts, good thoughts, but heavy ones.  Trying to figure out all of the questions that life brings is tough enough, but trying to figure out the answers to those questions is even tougher.  I know that life isn't fair, and I know that it isn't easy.  I just figured that eventually I would figure it out more instead it has just gotten more complicated.  Maybe that's just to keep it interesting.  One thing I don't get is bored.  Tired, yes, confused, yes.  Frustrated, a little sometimes. But never bored!

I actually remembered to take my blood pressure tonight.  I had set a goal to do it every day this month, but I had let it slip since last Thursday.  But today I got it done.  I think that I forgot to have lunch though.  I do that too sometimes.  Does that mean I am such a good worker then I just immerse myself in what I am doing or does it mean that I am just absent-minded?  It does seem to happen a lot.  I am trying to take advantage of every day, but I often find myself distracted by old habits and then I finally realize that I do have other options about how to spend my time.  My book is really helping out presently because I can spend hours just reading.  Funny, that was not something I could do not too long ago.  But I am finding it quite satisfactory right now.  I really wonder how long I will keep it up and how many books I can read this year if I put my mind to it.  I sometimes worry that it wastes time just like watching tv does, but I believe that that all depends on what you watch or what you read for that matter.  Either way, I am surprised a little at myself.  I could ask me: 'who are you and what have you done with me?'  Then I think about it and feel good to be different and in a good way for a change.  It does seem to me that I have entered into some kind of post-graduate program and that I have many lessons to learn and much to try to understand.  I almost yearn for my school days which seem easier then what I am doing presently.  Like then I went to school, but now school is coming to me in everything and in every way.  And the tests are actually harder then anything before even at BYU.  This schooling is for the prize, before it was just to get by and get on.  I am not really quite sure how to explain it, or if you will have any idea what I am trying to say when I do, but it does weigh on me in a good sort of way, and is something that I seem to have taken on just by my desire to 'endure' and 'continue' and not stop living.  I have said before that you either progress or digress and I guess that it is simply a natural result of progress or simply living.  I could stop it all, but that is a 'dive' that I just do not want to take. 

I did try really hard to watch tv instead of leaving the office, but I actually turned it off.  The college football game appealed to me because a Mormon stars for Notre Dame, but that looks like a lost cause early.  The Jazz may win, but right now they may not.  Either way the appeal isn't much.  Then there's wrestling.  Even that seems like such a waste of time.  (Sheila will say 'yeah' when she reads this.) I have my book and maybe its this cold (frigid) winter weather or just dark winter nights, but I am done for the day here and just want to curl up with my book and go another couple of hours and then call it a day.  Work-wise it has been productive.  I have stuff to do tomorrow and I do hope that I can avoid having to go outside and tend to the pond in this frigidity.  I count my reading as my scripture study and as my ponder time, as well as 'get something positive done' time.  Right now it seems a good choice and it does have benefits as well.  It feels better then just watching most tv, at least the 3 programs that I mentioned up top.  I am enjoying the story and the gospel stuff that is woven into it.  I guess I am coming face to face with a stage of my life that before now I really didn't acknowledge, but now I am.  In fact, it is now obvious where just recently I wasn't quite as aware of it as I am now.  I really don't understand it much, and mostly it just raises questions, but it sure seems real and inevitable so let it come and I'll see where it takes me.  Right now  I am grateful for a warm house and the fact that the sun will come up in the morning.  It will still be freezing, but at least it will be day time.

I am here this Monday morning and already breaking my new routine because I wanted to write for Sunday, but I didn't get around to writing on Sunday.  That day was quite full what with a new block schedule (9-11) and then a new choir practice schedule at 2.  Then I discovered a third volume to my book so I had to start on that.  Our evening was filled with family, but we did miss a few.  When I sat down here I did my normal check of the other family blogs and my loss (the twins plus 2 were not there) was quite filled with what I call an overdose by Cicily on her blog.  Seems that when she goes a long time without posting she makes up for it in a big way.  All of that stuff bothered me because most of it happened without us (which is okay and the way it is) but it makes me realize how much we do miss out on with the kids and the grand kids.  Just another lesson about life to motivate me to do what I ought to do when I am able to do it.  (Shauni's family was also missing due to illness, but no blog, just my memory image of those sweet ones.)  So here I am on Monday.  The first full work week of 2013.  My start has been okay, but 51 more loom heavy on my horizon.  I know that I've done this before, but it makes me tired just anticipating what will be as the time unfolds.  There is so much excitement as I see what can be and a little trepidation as I imagine what might be.  My perception about our life can't help but be influenced by 66 years of experience, but I feel like I do still have some wide-eyed child-like enthusiasm as well.  It still seems so overwhelming to me!

For the 3rd night in a row I have waited until 1/2 time of my BYU game to write.  I have a story that Sheila wanted me to tell her about my night (last night), but I told her to wait for my entry.  She questioned if I would remember.  I will try.  I woke up at 3:14 a.m. this morning and went to 'pee' (too graphic?) and then I sat in my green chair where I sleep sometimes (Yes, I have learned how to sleep sitting up).  Immediately I heard the pump in the pond making a noise that I knew was bad.  I did not take time to feel panic or frustration, but got up and dressed some (to not freeze to death) and went to work.  I had a solution come into my mind immediately and soon I was filling up water pitchers and taking them outside and trying to fill up the water so the pump could work and not break or burn itself up.  I just got into a routine and worked numerous trips until 4  when finally the noise changed and the pump was working quietly.  I lost count of the trips, but 2 pitchers times 30, 40 or whatever trips finally seemed enough.  When I got up at 8:30 I checked with light enough to see and found the water level still far below what I wanted so I started it again.  I worked for another 1/2 hour and that is what Sheila would have heard and asked about. Later this afternoon I did it again just to feel real confident that the problem was solved for at least the time being.  I have tried to be busy the rest of today and did an hour or so of reading plus several tasks in the office.  I am planning on church tomorrow, but haven't figured out how I am going to get up that early (our block is now at 9) and how I am going to have time to shave what is now my mostest beard in decades.  Who knows, maybe I'll stay in bed or just not shave.  I am capable of almost anything, so we'll see.

It's 1/2 time of my BYU game again tonight.  But this time it is men's volleyball.  I did consider going up to Bountiful to watch Cortney play.  But it didn't work out.  This cold weather has both Sheila and I dreading going out into it.  Also, Sheila isn't feeling well, so much so that she actually turned down babysitting for Robert and Cicily.  I went and picked up take-out for us.  Also, I find that I am getting a little ahead of myself in this being sick thing.  I know that I am getting better, but it is certainly not complete yet.  And is holding on to me more so then I am happy with.   But like I said yesterday, work is starting to be much better and I am using my time well.  That 2 volume book that I did 1 in a couple of days is filling a part of my day and I am really enjoying it.  I changed the way I define my study for this new year.  Now I just read some time during the day and I have actually stayed up late reading some this week too.  I plan on doing that tonight with Saturday coming up.  It fills my spiritual food need as well if not better then my routine of last year.  In fact, for me to read a book, especially a fiction book (even though it is very gospel oriented) is unusual.  But right now that is  my plan for 2013.  I have  no # goal of books to read for the year, but it will be more then it has been in a lot of years.  It is refreshing to be doing something new and so far I am really enjoying it:  a good old dog new trick sort of thing.

It's 1/2 time of my BYU game.  On such a frigid winter night it feels good to sit at home and watch it.  I still have to venture out later to do my church calling, but I won't think about that now--too cold!  I have been rubbing my lip all day and I believe that my cold sore is healing.  I fully intend that by Sunday I will be able to shave and hopefully the rest of me will feel up to a normal Sunday by then.  I am going through a sort of down up time.   I mean to say that I am getting better, but with energy (finally) to do there is so much that I struggle finding just what to do.  And there is a certain frustration about the whole thing.  But finally work is settling down from a several week holiday kind of feel.  It feels good to finally just get down to business.  I am able to take the time to read 'my book' and that has been very positive.  But as I think about it I still have some wacky, weird lousy feeling hanging on.  I know that I am getting close, but certainly not there yet.  It is all so overwhelming and mostly in a good way.  But I am finding that being and being old is worse that being sick and being young.  I hope to overcome both enough soon enough to get back to enjoying things as they are.

It is only the 2nd and I am forcing myself into y new schedule.  It became easy last year, but then I changed it all up and I'm not used to it yet.  I guess 2 days isn't really a good test, but I have to really keep thinking of what I'm doing rather then it just happening.  Before I had all night to think about my entry, now I am doing it with no preparation and it is harder for me.  I have also changed my study habit and have added in my blood # and blood pressure # too after letting them go for the month of December.  So far it is harder to remember all of that.  I haven't shaved for 2 weeks now because of the dirty great cold sore that I had.  I believe that it is actually healing and I am grateful for that.  I decided to chuck the tv and do some more reading when I finish here.  The paper this morning had a bit on Bonneville Lakers, now my grand daughter is "Corney Porter".  I am about 1/2 please with my day. I could have done more and 'it' could have been more.  But it is what it is and all I can do is keep at it.  There is so much to do, and I did do something today, just not all that I could have done.  With Robert and Cicily's stuff moved out it opens up lots of room down here for me.  I have big ideas, but who knows, maybe it will take me all of 2013 to do it.

It's only one day in to the new year, but so much feels so different to me.  One thing that doesn't feel different yet is my cold.  I still feel as yucky as I have for the past couple of weeks.  But it is feeling so very, very old.  I want this to be over last week, yet it still hangs on.  I had fallen into a habit of writing in the morning, but the night and end of the day feels right this time.  I have little interest in what's on tv (so why did I watch as much as I did?) and I do want to get back to some more reading before I call it a day.  I actually finished the 1st book (of 2 ) earlier and I could leave it, but I figure it is better then wasting my time in other ways.  As I just hung around feeling poorly today Sheila hung around feeling poorly and tending.  We both felt good about our kids helping Robert and Cicily in their move.  I did get some work done, but even now I feel like I am muddling through writing this.  You know that you are just not as sharp when you feel poorly.  It kind of dulls everything a bit.  It is only one day, but I already feel so far behind for the year.  There is just so much to be done.  And right now I am anxious about how 6 a.m. will feel when the alarm goes off again for the 1st time since 2 weeks ago.  It isn't me that has to get up, but getting back to that routine will take some getting used to for me too.