This month of October is pretty near over.  November is a little more of a shock to me then the other months have been.  I'm looking at the tail end of 2011.  That will make 67 years that I have touched.  And I'm not sure that I have this mortality thing figured out yet.  It seems to be moving way too fast for me.  You would think that I would be used to it by now, and I guess in a way I am, but that being said it isn't any easier to deal with in some ways.  As I think about it I do realize that there are things that I figure I am good and almost wise in.  I am able to accept some things much better then I once did.  But even then one can experience frustration  without giving in to it.  I guess that I do that alright.  I was sitting here in my office while Sheila was doing the trick or treating.  All of a sudden I realized that the ball game on TV and the other stuff I had been flipping through really had no appeal for me.  The one thing that I wanted to do before I ended my day was do some more reading in my book.  So I finished up so work that I wanted done before tomorrow and I will go up and read.  When I get up in the morning this month will have gone on beyond anything I could do to change it or add to it.  It will just have to stand the way it is, and I will have to do better and more with November.  If I let it I could get quite down on myself for all of the months that I have let slip by as less then they could have been.  But really all I have is my now.  And my now will soon be Tuesday's now.  I hope that I will be able to make it more memorable then regrettable.  

We'll see how that turns out for me.  At least my desk calendar is pretty much a clean slate with opportunity for me to live it as I will.

I was in bed by 8:30  p.m. last night.  And although my sleep didn't seem real refreshing it was certainly longer then I figured it would be.  I woke up at 6:55 just 6  minutes before our alarm was to go off.  (Sheila had pressed too long and set it for 7: 01.)  I turned it off and got her up and going.  Then I got into the shower and shaved and was off for choir practice.  I actually started to feel a little energy and I made it through the block.  However, since then I have been quite stiff and rigid and have needed to be quite immobile which has been okay for a Sunday.  We both took a little nap and we have enjoyed our leisurely Sunday with not too much to do.  We watched part 3 of the BYU TV program on the King James Bible and then another show that we enjoyed.  As for me, I am going to pretty much call it a day although I do plan on doing some reading on my present book project before I go to bed.  One thing from today that had some special meaning to me was that Sister Patti Nelson asked Sheila for me to give her a blessing.  I asked Bishop Ashton to assist me and that ended up being a much better decision that I had even imagined.  I felt like I had actually had inspiration and this time I followed it even though I really didn't appreciate it as such at the time, or understand its real value.  Sheila and I did watch some church videos on the computer and it was an edifying experience for me.  I really am thrilled to be a part of this church.  I know that it is 'his' church and is very near and dear to my heart.

I have different parts of me that have a vote in the decisions that I make.  There's the basic natural man vs. the spirit.  There's the mental part and the emotional part.  I guess if I were real diligent I would be able to identify a few other parts that have a part in my decisions.  Right now my body is usurping authority over everything else and forcing me to even give up the 2nd half of a BYU basketball game.  My other choices are just sitting still so my body doesn't ache or trying to do some of my reading and studying on my current truth project.  But after standing around for about 3 hours at the ward trunk or treat I am feeling at least 87 years old and I hurt at least that much.  So my best choice is to prepare for Sunday and call my Saturday history.  I believe I can judge our service today as a success.  The event went over very well and we got much more credit for it then we deserved.  But it came at a price and I have paid that and expect to recharge and regenerate in order to enjoy what Sunday has to offer.  I wonder how some others who are so much older then I am do it.  Maybe I have a defective physical body.  Or maybe we all are really tired at heart but just don't show it when we are out and about.  I guess I did that over there tonight.  But here at home I don't have to try to impress Sheila.  She knows me too well.  So I will just admit it and put myself to bed and hope for a kind of a rebirth due to a long, good night's sleep.

Now it is Friday night and I can really relax and think about something beside my work.  After another really hard working day I am so relieved that tomorrow I can relax, sleep in and basically piddle around through the day.  I pretty much have work caught up at least as preparing for tomorrow goes and even Monday for that matter.  So I will do some stuff but mostly just worry about the role that we have to play at our ward trunk or treat.  I do have 2 related stories to tell that have shaped the last day or so.  Yesterday I had sent Marv to work with the understanding that he would drop his papers off at the WVC Court when he was done.  Richard would pick them up doing his normal rounds and I would have them back to process them.  Well, Marv called me and told me that that was what he had done.  I felt to call Richard, but assumed that he would get them as that was his normal routine.  When he got home I asked and he told me that he had worked his way up town on the west side and was there before Marv.  Now that court isn't open on Fridays so now I have to wait for Monday to get that work and I feel a little our of sorts about it.  BUT I am out of sorts with me because I remember distinctly feeling that I should call and let Richard know that the papers were there for him to pick up.  It cause some review of the way the spirit and my spirit work, and that I have some work to do in that area.  I still feel a bit of a loss when I think about it.  It was earlier this week that I felt so overwhelmed and thought to myself that another server would be an answer to my prayer and I guess I said it in a manner that can be described as a prayer.  Well, who should call me out of the blue today, but Stan Alexander, and what does he want?  He is looking to put in some time serving to make him some extra money!!!  I put him off until next week but then reflected on the matter and said to myself, "self what are you waiting for?"  So I put an area together for tomorrow and he came about 1/2 hour ago and picked up his work.  I am trying to put those 2 stories together and see what they mean for me.  I admit that the direction of  my work has always seemed outside of my hands, and so maybe it still is.  And that is a good thing.

I've been working so hard these past 4 days that it is hard for me to relax and enjoy watching some tv.  Even a BYU football game from the past doesn't have much appeal for me.  I don't want to start a new task here in the office, so I will finish here and go to my 'study' and continue with some reading that I started last night.  I had been thinking about a concept from the book THE DIVINE CENTER that I remembered from my reading many, many years ago, and I wanted to review that part of the book.  It goes along with my present 'seeking to understand' project so it will be a good use of my time.  I have gotten a lot done today so it will be good for me to take some time for something else.  I'm not sure just how long I will last because I have expended lots of my energy and I started just after 7 this morning. I need to check the skimmer when I go up too. So for now I will put my office work behind me and beside me and leave it for Friday, which portends to be another busy and productive day for me.  Oh, I never did get to my 'pile'.  Here's hoping that Friday or Saturday I will be able to do that.

Today was much the same as yesterday.  I don't remember being this busy this many days in a row.  And tomorrow looks to be the same.  I hope to be able to get to my 'pile' tomorrow as there is lots of task just waiting for me that would be beneficial to get to if I can.  I'm still feeling quite overwhelmed and burdened to keep working through most of today.  I took over an hour to work on papers for Marv for tomorrow morning and it was hard to keep at it.  But like any worthwhile work it takes exertion but delivers good vibes when done.  I had a thought today that I really feel good about stuff when I am prepared for whatever happens with 'my guys' and their work.  In other words, whenever someone shows up to go serving it is a good thing when I have papers ready for them to go on.  Sometimes it just doesn't work out logistically, but when it does I feel good about the part that I play.  Today I worked really hard so I actually have options for tomorrow. In fact, I have more areas that could be worked then guys to work them.  That doesn't happen very often, yet it should be the same throughout this week.  That's a good thing.  Work is still work, but having it is certainly better then not having it.  My trouble is that after I stop with the work I want to maybe do some reading, but I really don't have the energy to do that because I did so much work.  Is that called a catch 22?   (I wonder where that phrase came from.)

There have been times in my work life when I struggled to have enough work.  I remember sitting around in my office trying to be productive, but with nothing to do.  I mean nothing.  I used to say that I always had something that I could do.  I could skip trace or do some 2nd billings or even make phone calls to try and collect some of the money that I am owed.  But some times there really was no work at all.  Right now I have more then I can do.  I worked pretty well all day and yet I barely made a dent in the pile on my desk.  And I am only talking about my top priority stuff.  I have stuff that I consider less pressing that sits on my desk for days and even weeks.  I try to think in terms of the week and not the day as far as getting to some of the tasks.  But even that isn't possible right now.  I have too  much timely stuff to get through.  Am I complaining?  I don't know.  It is a great blessing and I am grateful.  I am just overwhelmed.  I have to learn how to deal with it.  I have to do more and I have to get better at doing it well.  It sure does keep me out of trouble.  I just don't have time for that.

I am back on track.  As of last night I pushed up (pun intended) to the number that I should have been at for this month: 46!!! Its been about a month that I took off due to my bursitis.  I thought that it would take me longer to get back to it and I had set the end of the month as my goal.  But last night and then again this morning I was able to barely last through the whole 46.  I am still a little bit afraid of hurting my shoulder again, but so far it's just normal work out burn and pain that I have experienced.  I felt that that was a good start to my day today, and then I was able to have plenty of work to keep me busy through out the day.  I also have been thinking about 'things' as well.  Yesterday's sermon has been on my mind and has brought a lot of related thoughts to my one.  One that has caught my attention has to do with 'forgiveness' (from Saturday night) specifically the part where one need to forgive one's self.  I have always been hard on myself, but maybe to much so.  I still need to work on that idea and sort it and ponder on it, but it seems an important insight that is starting to come into focus.  It's really quite late for me.  I stayed up to watch a football game, but now the best thing to do is to end my day and look to tomorrow.  Thankfully it appears that I will have another busy day, and a pretty successful one as well.  I mean that in both my work and my real work.

I hope that I remember lots of stuff from today.  Our stake (regional) conference was a wonderful meeting.  It was broadcast to 95 stakes and had another 20 in attendance at the conference center.  I felt that the 40 minute address by Elder Bednar was just for me.  I know that it wasn't, but everything that he said was related directly to some area of my personal pondering over the last several months.  I told Sheila that it was a 40 minute 'aha moment' for me.  I believe that I will be carrying it around in my head for a long time to come.  I just read a Facebook comment from someone else who had listened to it who apparently had much the same reaction as I did.  They wondered if it would be published.  I doubt it but I'm sure that what he said has or will appear in other things that he has or will do.  (a book or a printed talk from somewhere else)  The rest of my day has been pretty low key.  Sheila has done well by us for someone who was unable to go grocery shopping yesterday ( except for the quick milk trip last night)  I purposely left an hour after I finish here to just sit and think about what I learned today.  That should be a positive and allow me to move into tomorrow having spent one of my better Sundays in quite a long time.  I do find one thing from all of this positive stuff that does bother me just a bit.  When I get to thinking 'out of this world' like this I tend to want to be even more out and I lose interest in what I have to do here and now.  Its my long time problem of how to reconcile what I want most with what I need to do now, or what I want for eternity and how does that relate to today.  For sure the things that I learned today while they do add to my confusion I am equally as sure that they will eventually add to my understanding as I am able to sort them out properly.

We just got back from the stake conference meeting.  I really didn't think that it would go a full 2 hours though.  Then we made a stop at the grocery store on the way home.  Seems our visitors of the last 2 days drank most of our milk and took most of the time so Sheila had none to go shopping with.  So that quick stop.  I feel more then tired and I am anxious to get to bed.  I am hoping to feel much better in the morning, but if I don't I am prepared to stay  home.  I know that I shouldn't and I do plan on going to stake conference, I just feel right now a little off and wondering how I will feel in the morning.  I am also kind of scared to do my push ups.  I barely made my 40 last night and this morning I collapsed on # 39.  I actually felt okay about that because I knew that I gave it my all, and I don't very often do that.  Is it better to do more and have something left or to do less and have nothing less?  Maybe doing more and have nothing less is the answer, but that isn't reality for me.  I would never know for sure what that number was and overdo and that isn't good either  So far I've stuck to my plan for almost 4 years, and I'm trying to stick to my plan B (Bursitis !!) right now.  Whatever, I will try and if it hurts I will take Sheila's advice and quick and if not I will do what needs to be done.  I am so tired.  And, I do feel a little off.

My day just got really cluttered and there is way too much to think about so I will end my day and go to bed and get back to it in the morning. I did not see my Saturday as being that busy, but now it is.  So I will have to change my attitude and just plan on keeping busy all day long.  I have a B U football game at 1 and we have a stake conference meeting at 7 so it is possible that I won't get everything done.  But that will be okay.  I would put it all off until Monday, but there are several reasons to use my Saturday to its best advantage.  One is simply that I don't want to waste precious time.  All I really have is the morning because after the game and before the session isn't much time and I will actually have to shower and shave sometime then.  I thought that today was not so demanding.  But after Richard finally got here within the last hour that changed.  But due to the hour it all shifts to tomorrow.  Oh by the way, I did do 40 this morning.  And I felt it especially in my stomach muscles.  They must have really slacked during my break.  It will obviously take some time to get them back to kind of shape that they were once in.  The same goes for the rest of my body too.  I really need to end my day and prepare for tomorrow.  Sheila has been stalwart tonight.  She had as many as 9 kids running around the back yard and the house and here to feed for dinner (plus Robert) ( and me!)  Shelli and Phil ought to be back soon, but when they do get here I don't know if I will be still awake or in bed asleep.  Again my day hasn't been perfect.  But there were a lot of good things to appreciate.  And, of course, room for me to improve.  There are so many, many ways for that.  I'll just keep on trying and be thankful for what we have and are working towards.

Well, there's the first day of the rest of my life.  Last night I ended my birthday by doing 30 push ups.  Then when I got up this morning I did 35.  I should be up to 46 before I know it.  Frankly, I am surprised that I have been able to do that many.  I am also amazed that I feel it in so many parts of my body.  My neck, my back, my stomach and chest, my shoulders and arms and my legs all are involved in the action and motion of a good push up.  I guess it is a good thing that even though it is easy it is not easy if you know what I mean.  It takes effort and quite a bit when the numbers get higher.  I get light headed when I try to imagine how many I have done in the past 46 months.  Maybe by the end of the year I will take the time to figure it out.  Right now I can't even guess at the number.  This first day was a good day.  I got a lot of work done.  Took time out to go out to dinner and got in my 60 minute work out this evening.  Thinking about 65 years this past day or so has been weird.  Somehow 65 years is some kind of a milestone that I have never really wrapped my head around.  Now I can talk about it and I know that it is true, but that doesn't keep it from feeling weird to me.  I keeping trying to imagine what is ahead for us.  I don't believe that anything is over for us yet, but I have no good idea as to what does lie ahead.  I have enough to do to just make it from one day to the next. 

I really didn't know what to expect this morning when it was finally time to do my push ups.  I was keenly aware of anything that could be described as pain, and I honestly did feel a wee bit for a wee moment.  But then I started and just kept going.  I got to 25 and was very pleased with myself.  I could have done more, but I felt it best to ease into it.  After all it took me 45 months to get to where I was when I stopped.  I figure I will do at least 25 more tonight before I go to bed, and if I can do more then I will.  Tomorrow Sheila doesn't have to go to work (at the school) so I'll sleep in a bit until maybe 7.

 

Today was my birthday and I played it pretty low key.  I did receive calls from many of the family and I appreciate all of them.  I called the gift from Colton my special gift though.  Shelli sent me video of 

Colton's session where he made sounds in response to his 'teacher'.  By now it has made it pretty much through the family and I hope they were all as thrilled as I was.  It has been a very pleasant day, but that was the frosting on top of a pretty good cake of a day.

I am hoping that when I wake up in the morning that I will be able to be  relatively pain free when I resume my push ups.  It's been almost a full month since I stopped due to my bursitis and the pain that I had.  Right now I am mostly pain free, but every once in a while I will move or try something and I am reminded that it is not totally gone.  I knew that it would take a long time for complete healing and I am okay because I am pretty much able to do what I need to do.  But if my push ups cause it to flare up I will be greatly disappointed.  I also have to see how my stamina is.  Not having done any for that long I am not planning on the full 46.  I hope to not have to settle for 5 or 10, but we will just see how it goes.  I haven't thought a lot about being in my 66th year. It is a surreal thing this age stuff.  The way I feel inside in my personal, intimate heart of hearts doesn't really have anything to do with the number of years I have been alive.  I do think and feel about what has gone on  in that time, but the time period itself is irrelevant.  Besides, I have no idea how I should feel just because I can say that I am 65 years old.  Regrets, dreams, complaints and satisfaction all tumble around in my head and I have difficulty making sense of it all. And the only thing that really means anything to me is my worship, my wife and my work.  ( the 3 w's of Pres. Benson)  They can be stated in lots of ways, but it comes down to my family, past, present and future and the eternal truths that are a part of that package.

Now it's just before 9 on Monday night.  My computer has worked well all day, and in fact, I have worked well all day too.  I work by what comes in so often I make plans on what I think will happen, and then real life happens and my plans change accordingly.  It happened this morning when Richard got here and Sheila called after going to Cullimore's office.  My plan for Richard changed.  Then tonight I was set to watch a little T V and then maybe do some reading.  But again the work changed things.  Richard got back with lots of new work, mostly from R C Willey.  So I actually went back to work and its a good thing that I did.  I was near finished when Richard and Kathy came knocking on my locked office door.  Since he was here I finished his work for morning and sent it off with him.  That is one less thing for morning which will allow me to get to the big pile and I will be engaged pretty much for the next two days.  It used to be that I would see too much work when I had too little guys to do it, and too little work when guys were available.  Now I also see more work when I want to slow down, and when I feel energetic to work I have less to keep me busy.  Oh, well, I admit that I see plenty worse off.  I do have work, for which we are constantly thankful for.  And so far we haven't been as strapped as we sometimes worry about.  I fret over what we have not too much.  I do know where my 'treasure' is and I believe that my priorities are proper.  I just sometimes run out of energy to keep on doing my part of the deal.  But for now I will do just that, that is after I have a chance to re-charge and get some rest.  Night night..

It' just before 8 am on Monday morning.  This is my Sunday night entry.  When I tried to get on last night I couldn't.  I blamed Robert for breaking  my computer, but realized later that that couldn't have been the case because both Sheila and I used it on Saturday night.  I realized that the system was just down and I hoped that on Monday morning it would be fine.  When I got in the office just after 7 I found that I was wrong.  I booted and rebooted and tried what I could with my limited knowledge but to no avail.  Anyway, I decided to try again and lo and behold it worked.  I had started thinking about how I rely on it, as much for my music that I play all day long as for the work that I do.  So here is my Sunday report so I best say something about Sunday.

The best thing I did was get my home teaching done (beside the block and choir)  The day was pretty low key for me.  I re-enjoyed my Saturday and I kinda went into a hibernation mode enjoying the time off and recharging to start again on Monday, which I now have done.  So my work week is officially started.

 

My special thought is: Faith is to belief as Charity is to love.  More on that as time goes by.

Funny how certain things sap your energy more then other things.  And I learned a long time ago that all the 'drainers' aren't physical activities.  Emotions seem to be very near the top of the list and when you add certain physical stuff, even subtle stuff with emotional stuff one can become quite exhausted with seemingly innocents stuff.  My 'birthday' didn't require me to do much but show up and spend time with my family, especially my grand kids. The picture taking didn't take much more then an hour, but that and spending several more  hours with family, here I am before 8 and I am ready to go to bed.  I give credit to our kids for thinking of a really good birthday present.  I didn't think of it and I was surprised yesterday when Sheila told me what was going to happen.  And I did enjoy the process over there at Murray Park out in the weather in pleasant conditions.  There were some of the grand kids that were not there for various reasons.  But most were and I am really looking forward to getting the pictures that were taken today.  I also really enjoyed our dinner at Winger's and even if the B Y U game wasn't on the t v it would have been fine.  I was able to watch most of it, there and then here at home.  I knew it would be re-broadcast tonight, but I am glad that I saw most of it already, because I am way too tired to stay up watch it.  I am now ready to go to bed and get recharged for my early Sunday morning schedule.  I won't turn 65 until Wednesday, but my family has already given me my present.

It's after 10 and I stayed up too late.  But I surprised myself and I found 2 movies that Sheila would sit with me and watch.  And the 2nd one just got over.  Actually they were the same movie " The Three Musketeers" just 2 different versions of the same story.  If I wasn't far enough out of the mood to work sitting there with her took me the rest of the way.  Course just Friday night actually got me there before we started.  I am glad that my work week is over.  I get to sleep in a little bit and then there are those plans that the kids have for me for tomorrow for my birthday.  Sheila did finally tell me what they are and I am quite pleased and looking forward to it.  I will tell you all about it tomorrow night.  For now I'm feeling a little uncomfortable being up so late and coming down from a pretty hectic week.  And I really have a lot of stuff on my mind. Night....

 I actually did go for a drive to do an errand today.  But it doesn't really count much as getting out of the office.  Face it, my life is pretty boring and tied to my home and my office.  It's been that way since I started running the office with guy doing the serving for me.  I believe that started about  let's see--1980.  I'll ask Sheila if she remembers when that began, she probably remembers if better then I do.  After all it changed her life too.  So 1980, 1985, 1990  I really have no memory of when.  I do remember building an office in the corner of the basement in our home on Kristin Dr. but I didn't really work there full time until we remodeled the basement and had the office in another room.  That was when we had a window cut in the basement to create another bedroom.  I'm not sure when that was either.  Sheila will know and help me remember.  Anyway, the point is that I have been working in  my home office for decades and I have developed a way of life that probably doesn't suit most other people.  It has its perks and it has its negatives.  Either way it is what is it.  I'm used to it and in fact changing was part of my big fear when I changed from Constable to P I.  I didn't think that I could do it any other way.  I still wonder if I could, but I am grateful that I didn't have to learn the answer to that question.  There are a lot of things about my life that I would like to see being different, but I try not to think about that much and I just keep on doing what I do and hoping that it will continue to work.

I wasn't happy with yesterday.  The truth is that I wasn't happy with myself yesterday.  I knew that I could have done better and I slacked off.  I did not use my time well, and I felt the worse for it.  I made up my mind that I needed to do better, and that I would do better today.  And despite some moments headed in the same direction I did force myself to be more active and creative and do what needed doing.  Oh, I wasn't perfect, but I did have some perfect moments, and I was quite productive.  I still did not go anywhere, oh, that's not true.  Sheila told me that she needed gas in the car and I did go and fill it up so she would be all ready to go in the morning when she has to be up and off to work before 7 a.m.  And I did the usual getting the paper and getting the mail.  But it was the work I did at my desk that made my day productive.  It certainly feels better then it did yesterday.  I am starting to feel quite tired now, but it feels like a good kind of tired and I am ready to close out my day with my scriptures and my prayer (and our prayer) and a bit of pondering.  The idea that I wrote about last night needs some addition thought.  You know, the idea about us being 'dumbed -down' when we came to this 2nd estate.  It seems that learning enough to start understanding that changes perspective which shows life in a very different light.  Does that make sense??

Let's see. I didn't go anywhere today.  I did walk outside to get the newspaper this morning, and to get the mail this afternoon.  Also, I did go out in the back yard and washed out the skimmer.  I can't remember  leaving the house for anything else.  No wonder I got a little bored about my day.  I did actually do something, but I feel like I wasted too much time.  I'm thinking of my kids and my life and maybe it is just evening out because I know that there were many years of business so maybe I ought to enjoy a little less now.  But that is hard too.  I feel like I need to do more.  Some days I do, but some days I don't.  It isn't that I figure that I deserve a vacation or anything like that.  And it isn't that it is all up to me.  My life seems to have a life of it's own.  I am just a spectator hanging on for the ride with seemingly little actual control of the direction it takes.  I wonder if that is really true.  I know I make choices all the time, but how much do they matter?  This is a question that I will have to take on with some serious thinking and try to figure out a good answer that is actually useful to me.  Some things are set:  I need to sleep and I need to eat and I need to be active doing something.  But how much control do I really have?  Maybe those questions are just natural to mortality.  I heard someone talk about the 'veil' as us being 'dumb-downed' and that being necessary to our being here and tested.  Maybe being 'dumb-downed' brings some other stuff to us too and I'm just running into the questions that naturally arise from this mortal, dumb-downed state of our test.

Sometimes it feels like a real chore to do this.  I debate whether it is worth it or not.  Then I think that I've been doing it for such a long time that it would be a pity to just let it stop because I get out of the mood.  I had a real good reason to stop my push ups (pain!) but I do feel a loss to be not doing them.  I believe that I will get back to them, but I know that it will be even harder, so I don't spend much time thinking about it.  I know that it is really a mind set that affects me in so many ways.  It is all just part of the test.  So I persevere and dream about better times.  Tonight I reached my left are straight u over my head.  It wasn't completely straight or  a real strong push, but I counted it as great progress even though it did cause me some pain.  I know that I am doing better and better.  Today ended up being a court holiday that pretty much snuck up on me.  I tried to make it work, but it pretty much didn't.  I did get some office cleaning stuff done, and we got our water heater problem solved temporarily but I see it as starting my week off behind in the #'s games.  It is normal for me to feel down when the post office is closed.  I don't always feel up even when it is open, but knowing there can be no mail makes that day feel less to me.  Oh well, plenty more days to come so I just see tomorrow as answering my prayers and if it doesn't there is always another one after that.  It just seems so hard to believe that these days are coming in October!  The relentlessness of time sometimes seems like the biggest burden. It just doesn't stop and sometimes I feel like I would like to.

First time that I have ever attended 2 full 3-hour blocks on a Sunday.  I did consider only part of either, but it seemed a reasonable choice to make it through all 6 hours.  Add to that our ward choir practice and an appointment where we were called as 'zombie assistants' and we spent a lot of time in church.  Another one and 1/2 hours driving and you can understand how much we appreciated just 'chillin' when we were finally able to just be home, relax, and sit down.  It has been a long day.  Certainly good because we spent time with family and Avery gave her grumpa smiles before getting too fussy.  Shauni was the consummate host and fed us before we played hide and go seek, mostly with Abigail.  I really don't want to go back to work tomorrow, but....

Last night was the first time in 3 weeks plus that I slept all night in my bed.  Since my episode I have had to get up and sleep some either in the chair in the living room or my chair in our bed room or both.  I even laid on the massage table that I set up in our bed room. But the pain is gone enough to allow me to sleep in my own bed.  I still feel twinges and my range of motion isn't 100 %, but I am so relieved to be this near normal.   My hopes are high that this coming week will be good to me and for me and I will be good to and for Sheila and others and I am looking forward to it.

I will call it good time management to use half time to get this entry finished.  By the time the BYU game gets over with it'll be well past my bed time and seeing as how I need to get up early in the morning every moment will count. Besides it would take a  miracle for them to lose the game.  I have entertained thoughts of not going to church at all tomorrow because at times I have felt un-well and still sore and uncomfortable.  Besides its been rather a long time since I was up early to face a day.  I guess that is not quite true.  I have gotten up during many of the work days in order to be in the office by 7:30 a.m., but to get up before 7 and shower and shave and get Sunday dressed its been about 4 Sundays ago.  The fact that we have choir practice is a factor and also the appointment we we given almost a month ago was renewed for tomorrow so we're supposed to see a Bishop-ric for something too.  And even a 2nd block for Avery's blessing isn't a good excuse.  Any way, I am feeling much better right now then for weeks so let it come. But I'm not ready to call me whole or 100% or pain free.  I just hope for a good night's sleep and some continued progress, so as not to dash my hopes of eventual recovery.

 

This morning I finally noticed the lead story in the newspaper.  I looked right past the picture of my daughter and my grandson for a time, and then there it was right in front of me.  I thought well of the article and some positive and good feelings about the family being featured in a socially significant way.  Their story is relevant and a way for them to contribute to the general good, even if it only causes discussion. 

As you could tell by reading the previous entry I did run out of ink.  My lovely wife was good enough to run to the store this morning and get me a cartridge and I was able to redo that entry and then do my work today.  The 1st half of the was pretty normal, but then I had a doctor's appointment and then I went to dinner by myself.  Actually that isn't true.  We got an invite from Shelli to join them at the Mayan for dinner.  Sheila had her Relief Society Retreat so I went by myself.  I did enjoy myself and now I'm back and ready to go to bed not knowing for sure how late my wife will be.  I do hope that she has herself a real good time.  Me, I still hope for continued progress no matter how slow it is for my shoulder and the rest of me as well.  I have had some good moments today, but then I have had some that were quite uncomfortable as well.  My night time is not all good anymore either.  If I lay in my bed too long I start to hurt so I have to get up and go sleep in the chair in the living room.  But all I have to do is remember the pain from the 1st 2-3 days and I know that life if good.  It can get better and I hope that it does.  Not only is the pain still lingering, I am feeling feverish and flu-ish way too often.  That is the way that I feel right now and I can't stand it so I will go to bed and hope that it will go away.  The new day does dawn bright and positive and sometimes doesn't go downhill from there.  Saturday the 8th  let's see what you've got.

I am happy to be feeling better.  But I just wish it was what I could call normal from before my bursitis attack of 3 weeks ago.  I miss the way I felt then and the routine that I was able to work at.  I am fearful that my push ups are toast, but I am not going to give up on them yet.  I am trying to be wise and careful in my recovery so as not to do something stupid and relapse, but it is had to be so patient and hard to still not be at 100%.  It seems that I have also picked up other maladies on the way too.  My neck has been bothering me for days, but right now it is better then it has been.  I did my hour on my bike and lived through it so that is a good sign.  I just printed something and knew I was getting to the end on my black ink for my printer.  I found that the 2 cartridges that I had were the wrong kind.  What a dummy!  Now I'm not sure that I can print this and I will have to go to the store in the morning to replace them.  I will probably have to eat the one I opened.  Ugghhh!!!  Anyway, not a bad day.  I only had to pump once and my wife bought us Chinese food for dinner.  So I am ready and willing to try for one more day.  Then if that goes well, or better who knows how long I can last.

It feels like winter outside.  I just checked the water level in the stairwell and now I have to start worrying about the possibility of pumping if we get a big rain like the weatherman predicts.  If it does I hope that it at least holds off until morning.  Right now all I want to do is go to sleep.  I know that my should is getting better slowly but surely, but I know that there is something else going on with me.  I am so tired all the time.  I get up and I work hard, but I worry about being this kind of tired.  Right now the work is doing quite well.  Better then it has for a while, and I'm not sure that I could handle it if it got much better, BUT I wouldn't mind trying.  We are so far behind that just maintaining isn't enough.  There is so much that I would like to be able to do for Sheila and I feel badly that I can't do it.  I do fret about that.  And this getting better is taking way too long for me as well.  I know that right now I seem to have a fever and I know that my 'system' is out of whack too.  My lifestyle does suit that a bit, but I will have to be able to leave the house sometime.  But for now, it is time to try and get some sleep and hope that the night does some good for me in lots of ways.

I really feel badly that I am not doing my push ups right now.  I did do them some over the weekend, but I decided to suspend them in order to let my should continue mending and also because it really hurt when I did them even though I limited them to the 5 a couple of times and then to 10 a couple of times.  I feel like I let myself down but my good wife tells me that I need to be wise in how I recover from that flare up of bursitis.  I remember it as being very, very painful at it's worse and very painful most of the rest of the time.  I have gone 2 days without the pain pills now, and my motion certainly has improved, but even the thought of raising my arm above my head and some other more extreme movements has me too scared to even try them.  I did my push ups for almost 4 years and it makes me feel like I have failed, but I just have to deal with it and learn to see it in proper prospective.  I am still in treatment so I just have to live with that.  I just really don't know what the future will bring.  But I do know that I am seeing (and feeling) improvement.  But I also know that I am not yet at 100%.  I just have to live with that.  No one else 'knows the troubles I've seen' and I just have to learn to live with that too.

I'm pretending that I am almost well.  But my body is not cooperating.  I have been able to work through the day, and I've been mostly pain free.  But this evening I feel like I'm burning up and my neck is sore.  I have worked my shoulder hard too, and it is doing okay with just a minor amount of discomfort.  But put it all together and It makes for  enough aches and pains so that I really don't feel well.  I would have gone to bed an hour ago, but I had guys coming for work and for church.  So I decided that I would test my well being and do 60 minutes on my recumbent bicycle.  I could really tell that I have not done it for a while.  It tested me.  It didn't hurt like my 10 push us did this morning, but it was very exhausting and it exacerbated both my 'fever' and my sore neck.  Oh, I am so ready to get to bed.  It seems the only time that I can put the noise and the world away and just think.  One of the thoughts that I took away from conference (Richard G. Scott--Saturday morning) was that knowing a scripture is like making a good friend.  I find the same thing in a good thought or idea or 'nugget' so I enjoy the time to 'harvest' them.  When you get old and your body wears out that's mostly all you have.  I hope my mind doesn't get sick or wear out for a while!

It feels like it is so much later then 8:51.  I have expended all of my energy and I am so ready for bed.  I still don 't quite understand how the 'day of rest' in which I do no work can be so tiring.  But add General Conference to the mix and then a house full of family for several hours and you have a formula for exhaustion.  I also believe that my pain pills do add to it as well.  My shoulder has been quite comfortable today, but I have really been gun shy.  For some reason I am not very comfortable with the idea that it is getting better this fast, and I am really quite tentative in the way I treat it.  Despite my complaining it has really been a very nice day.  I was able to ease my way into the day and take my time getting up and going.  Then I took a long shower where I gave myself a shave so I felt pretty good to meet the day.  We were along together for the 1st session but Richard and Kathy and Robert and kids were here for the 2nd session.  The rest were here by 4:30 to eat and the rest of the day was pretty much what you'd expect with a house full of 18 most of them young and energetic.  About 10 minutes ago it got very quiet around here, and as soon as I could notice I worn out.  I hope I can have some time with my thoughts for General Conference had some inspiring moments that I want to spend some time with.  This task of better a better 'you' is quite daunting and does demand virtually everything you have and can beg, or borrow.  (Stealing wouldn't be appropriate.)  It certainly does demand time to ponder reflect and improve and reprove and evaluate and revise.  I feel like I have enough to do in that area to keep me busy for a long time.  Add that to the amount of 'work' I have waiting on my desk for morning and I feel overwhelmed before  even begin.  But I will give it my best shot.

Here it is almost 10 and I am just starting writing my blog.  As you would expect for a general conference Saturday my day has been pretty much taken over by conference.  Six hours of the day taken for something doesn't leave lots for other stuff especially when you give about an hour in the morning to drive to the lab for my semi annual blood test.  Then take away 3 and 1/2 meals and some time to watch a little football.  I always enjoy the programs on tv between 12 and 2 on channel 5 too.  Somehow conference feels different to me this time.  I felt like I was more into it and I have some pretty serious thoughts still rolling around in my head waiting to be sorted out.  I am beginning to see what I thought was the real world as not the real world and what I thought was not the real world to be what is really real.  The hard part for me is to figure out how to live in this 'unreal' world while trying to put my effort into living the 'real' world which is mostly still to come.  That is starting to make sense to me which I believe is a good thing.  Brother Holland's talk had me lamenting the fact that I want more then anything to go (us to go) on a mission, but I can't see that as being possible.  So real or unreal nothing seems to be ideal.  I am trying to figure all of that out but it seems 'surreal'.  I'm starting to feel a little crazy so I better get to bed and get some sleep.  I did 5 push ups this morning and I'm going to try to do 5 more tonight before I go to bed.  I wonder if my medication is making me crazy!