It just after 8 and we have a house full of family upstairs. We have been together for most of the day and it has been a wonderful time.

But now I am pretty spent and although I have been snacking well and just hanging out I am in need of a recharge and a warm bed.  I am feeling the cold down here and my cough is still bugging me every few minutes.  I believe that I am finally over my sore throat, with just maybe a very small tinge of it left.  I enjoyed all of the family including the 'possibles' ('probables').  It was special when my grand kids came over and climbed into my lap and gave me hugs.  Both Sheila and I put in a lot of work, but we got lots of help in the clean up phase and I don't know how Sheila is able to keep on going.  Me, I'm even wondering if I'll be able to make it to church tomorrow what with my fatigue and my cough.  Choir, don't know if I could even sing.  But a good night's rest in a warm bed should do the trick.  I didn't even make it to the post office today.  And I left everything until Monday.  It will be a Federal holiday, that means court, post office, banks and everything but school for some of the family and work for Sheila.  It should be a good work day for me.  I do have a lot to catch up on and a new start appeals to me.  I see 2012 as a real challenge.  Lots and lots of stuff to address.  I don't see me really being able to do it all.  I am getting to a point where I need to get better or get some help.  I don't have a solution yet, but at least I am trying to figure out the parameters of my situation.  But if we can continue to enjoy the blessings that were celebrated today with the family and the season it will be worth working for.  I wish I could do more and do it better, but I am just glad that I can do it without the sore throat that has bothers me this past week.  

onward and forward and what rhythms with 2012   cough cough

Even the smallest effort to do something physical can reap benefits, but once a thing becomes a habit even the smallest break can make it a hard thing to get back to what was once easy.  I haven't done my church lock up job for about a month.  So tonight when I walked over there and around the place it seemed a hard thing.  I was tired as it was after being sick for this lifetime, but having neglecting that short, nightly walk I had lost much of the benefit that I had gained.  I hope that I will do well tomorrow. It is really the highlight of the season for me.  There is so much about it that I am looking forward to.  I am so ready to get this year over and done with so I can move forward with my plan and my work and my routine all of which have been disrupted this past week.  Part was bothered just by the fact that I was sick a lot, but the season also threw my routine upside down.  Our car has cost us a lot of money this past two days and Christmas will come due in January with a bit of a bump.  I need to be on top of my game to handle everything effectively.  Life can be so overwhelming.  I know that that is not a new idea to any of you.  Kathy broke her tooth today.  And all of you are dealing with circumstances of your own.  Me, I can't claim any exemption.  So we all just need to accept what is and do our best with what can be.  And enjoy the fact that in some way we are in it all together.   See you in the morning.

This has been a very strange day.  It was as if I was trying to make it one kind of a day, and it was trying to make itself something else.  I felt entitled to lounge around because I am still a bit sick, yet things kept acting like I ought to be working all day.  Both Sheila and I had such plans, but they never worked out.  One thing that we did need to do was get the car fixed.  That took much longer then Sheila wanted it too and it really changed her day.  She had such plans, and she was unable to get them started, let alone done.  I feel like I let her down some there.  I'm not sure what could have been done differently, but I felt bad that her wishes went wanting.  Now she has tomorrow to stuff a couple of days of errands into.  Both of us are really looking forward to Saturday, but today could have been a lot more helpful.  But it is what is is and we are both in the position of needing to do more tomorrow.  Richard was able to help us out in getting the car there and back and that worked out nicely, so we thank him.  With two more days left in 2011 I have to be careful to do them right.  I wonder if it is me doing my days, or my days doing me.  I don't feel like I am always in control of what happens.  I guess that is because I am not in control that much.  I just hang on and hope I can affect things a little bit.  Anyway, I stayed up way too long.  I did see that Cortney's team did win and BYU lost and I settled for less of a day then I could have had.  And I still have my cough some, and a bit of that sore throat still.  But I still see great blessings, and high hopes and so much good coming. 

I had my opening in my mind.  Then I read Shelli's comment about  my last entry and now I am worried even more.  I was going to write that I was disappointed that my cough was still hanging on, but that ever more I was mad that I had a touch more of a sore throat.  Now Shelli has caused me great concern.  I'm not positive that its strep because its not real real painful and its only on one side of my throat but it is still here and worse so yes, I am concerned.  It would really be a bummer if it doesn't get better.  I'll do what I can tonight and see where it is tomorrow.  This going to the doctor, well, I hate it.  But I also noticed an abscess in my mouth today, too.  It did seem to get smaller by tonight, but I feel like I am starting to fall apart.  I'm not ready for that.  But the reality of my less then ideal health is a real problem to me. Other then that things are moving forward pretty well.  I just am in a quandary about what I need to do about it all.  And the question of what I can do also bothers me.  As I wrote several times ago, there is so much that we really don't know.  And even after 65 years my body still baffles me.  I try to treat it right, but who knows just what the perfect answer is?  Now I am wondering how this will all play out.  And just like you I'll have to wait until the next entry or at least until I wake up in the morning.

I wouldn't call it a miracle, more like clearer thinking.  But I am glad that my computer decided to work this morning.  I had gotten in to the office early because I had to make up for lost time.  So I got to work and had a pretty full several hours until about 1:30 when I got to a good stopping point and so I stopped.  I nursed my sore throat for a while until about 2:30 when Sheila and I left to do some errands one of which was to have our Christmas time with Sharon and Linzi and Zach.  We enjoyed our 4th day of Christmas and then came home to relax for the rest of the day.  My throat is some better but I wonder if somehow Spencer and me shared the dreaded 'strep'.  I'm trying to pretend that this is vacation time, but the amount of work challenges that idea.  But I'm not working myself too hard.  I know that the rest of the week there are lots of events that will make it easy for me to miss work.  The best of those will be Saturday.  I am really looking forward to our family party.  I will also keep at the work and do what I can to keep the desk relatively clean and move smoothly from December into January.  And at the same time I hope to continue getting better health-wise.  Tonight I decided to actually get in an hour of my work-out routine on my bike while watching the BYU ball game.  And it was as if it were a new thing for my body.  It doesn't take long to loose the edge when you slack off from your routine.  There is always something that I could be doing better.  It is overwhelming and dealing with it on that level may be the hardest part of all.  I did stick to it and finished the whole hour.  And I will keep on plugging away at the rest of it.  I'll work when I have to work and play when I am able to play.  And maybe play a little at my work when that works. 

It's just before 7 this Tuesday morning.  Yesterday I was frustrated by a breakdown of my computer.  I tried throughout the day and then later before I went to bed, but I was unable to get it to work.  So I got up at 6:30 a.m. to try again.  My mind was clearer and maybe I was able to get a bit of inspiration to try something different.  Alas, what ever I did worked! So I did my morning ritual (you know, chapter of scripture, 48 push ups and my personal prayer) and here I am catching up to last night.  I was up later because I wanted to watch Jimmer in his first 'real' NBA game.  His team actually defeated the Lakers and He did okay.  Still a rookie, but already has quite a following.  He also has a pretty good team to be a part of.

That topped off a pretty good day.  Had some negatives as in the computer problem aforementioned and I had picked up a sore throat.  Mostly I was just frustrated because the work that I had planned on had to be postponed because of the computer. The good part that we were invited to dinner by Richard and Kathy.  We spent a  nice evening with good food, good conversation and they even gave us presents.  We had stopped at Sharon's on the way and later the 4 of us were able to rejoice together for Sharon.  We are all so happy to see her happy.  Whatever comes (?!) right now 'it is what it is' and it is goood.

Yesterday (today journally) Sheila and I talked about our 11 and our 12.  We paused for a quick moment reflecting on the year past, but now focus on the new year to come.  We have lots to anticipate yet lots of unknowns.  May we all proceed with faith and determination and a positive attitude knowing that the year will be pretty much what we make of it and 'shot for the sky' and land in the trees and not shot for the trees and land in the mud.

Christmas Day    We've done this before, and a few times on a Sunday too, but they never seem quite real.  With little of my 'normal' day in what we did, it is as if I have stepped outside of myself and lived a day out of the ordinary.  Nothing wrong with that.  In fact, it is a good thing to have an 'extraordinary' day every once in a while.  And even though much was quite normal just being Christmas qualifies it as something quite different.  Jonah was blessed.  The grand kids got presents.  (some of which need to be switched because brothers have the same frequency remote controlled cars)  And I ate sweet peppers for the first time (thanks to Russ and Sherri)  Met Sharon's 'possible' (probable if you ask me) and we drove home quickly in order to get here by 7 to watch a show that was not on.  (Seems the advertisement that we saw on Sherri's big screen t v had to have been for next week.)  We both still have our cough hanging on a bit, and I come to the end of my day ready for bed.  I didn't get to sleep in this morning, but tomorrow the prospect looks good.  I see one week that is kind of a special gift to me.  I count my 2011 virtually over with just a few bookkeeping loose ends to take care of and my mind set is focused on 2012.  Our family Christmas party is this coming Saturday and then Sunday morning we will wake up to 2012 and we will be able to sleep in a bit each Sunday morning.  That begins to mean something when you get old crotchety like me.  I try to focus on what 2012 can be, but it is tiring just to think about it.  I am not quite ready for that yet.  Give me just one more week.  Then I won't have any choice and I will try and meet the challenge.  Even though seeing the New Year come in gets a little old after 65 of 'em.  There is still some spark left about beginning over with a whole new year of clean slates.  Right now though I just don't have a clear focus about all the possibilities that this new year offers us.

I figure that I need one more thing to make this a much better then average day.  I need to make sure that I have a long night's sleep.  And since I have to get up by 7:15-7:30 a.m. I can only control this end of it to make it longer.  So I am going to go to bed as soon as I finish here.  I can only hope that there will be enough hot water that I can shave and shower in the morning.  Otherwise it will be a rocky start to a potential very nice Christmas Day.  Today has been nice to not have any work to do.  I had work, but I put it all off until Monday which will be the 3rd day of this holiday weekend.  Work then will be okay, but today, well it was meant to be lived without work.  We visited Shauni's tribe and then Jeremy's family.  We spent a nice, quiet evening here and Sheila fixed me a turkey thigh for my dinner.  Then I had some of our Christmas candy that was given to us.  And now I am going to start my long night's sleep.

                                        MERRY CHRISTMAS

Sheila surprised me with a present today.  In fact, I am looking at it right now.  It really touches me in a good way when I look at it.  It is a picture of her that I have sitting on my desk right in front of me as I face the computer.  It is a very recent picture so she looks very grandmotherly, but somehow when I look at it I see the best part of me.  Saying it that way doesn't seem quite right, because it is her, not me.  But it makes me feel good for lots of right reasons.  It reminds me that we have grown older together, and also that we still have lots of mortality left as well as an eternal life together too.  It is fitting that we just had some time together watching  movie and just enjoying being together.  I wrote the other night about the fact that we don't seem to be together that much.  But it sure was nice, this past 3 hours.  With that and the holidays now upon us, and the end of the year time of reflection I am having some strange, but pleasant feelings.  I can't explain them, but it simply feels good.  It also feels 'pregnant' if I can use that word without alarming any one (especially Sheila!)  It seems like the right word to describe the way that this feeling feels:  'pregnant'.  I can't wait to see what that means.  Hopefully what ever it means it includes getting totally better and soon.  I really need to shower and shave too, maybe that will help!

I thought that it was late enough for the results of Cortney's game to be posted, especially since it apparently started at 5:15, but as of now, no results.  I'll check again, but I may need to wait until later (tomorrow) to see what happened.  I am about ready to call it a day, but I won't be crawling in to bed for a while yet.  Right now we have the 3 plus 2 that grandma is tending.  One of the extras, a girl, came downstairs running with the pack and saw me sitting down here watching tv.  She had seen me earlier when I got my dinner, but I came down here while the 6 of them ate upstairs.  She asked me if I live here.  I thought it was funny.  But in a way I do live down here.  As much as Sheila and I are together, we are apart a lot too.  She has her tv and I have mine.  Every once in a while we do find something to watch together, but not very often.  I see that as probably a good thing.  I hope that what I do contributes to her as I know that what she does contributes to me.  She plays a most important roll for me.  Mostly she is my heart.  I really don't believe that I would work as hard as I do if it weren't for her.  And I believe that in spite of my naps and my ball games I do put in a lot of time into my work.  (no results yet!)  I worry about comparing myself to others and  how they work, but my situation is so unique that there really is no way to make comparisons.  From the length of my commute to work that I do, it simply is unique.  But it does suit me and I like it well enough.  Of course, I am always looking for that 'something' that is going to come along and change everything.  But until that happens I have it pretty good.

I guess I am getting better because I stayed up later then 'normal' watching the Jazz almost squander away their game.  But I coughed all the way through home teachers and when they left they refused to shake my hand.  And I did get out of the office mid after noon and take a short nap because I was so fatigued.  But I did get up and into the office by 6:30 a.m. and I have been pretty busy all day.  Sheila called me after her haircut appointment and I told her to go and get some of her errands done.  Then we had a discussion about the definition of 'high maintenance'.  The way I define it she is and it isn't a bad thing.  The way the world defines it she isn't and that is a good thing.  I am simply telling her that she is so special that she requires my best and then some.  I could say the same about me and any of the rest of the family.  We all live a life that requires 'high maintenance' because of what we are looking for ahead.  Right now I probably need to take my medicine before I go to bed.  I know I am not better quite yet.  But I believe that it is possible.  For awhile I wondered if we would ever get better.  I am just hoping for enough recovery that I will be able to sing with the ward choir on Sunday.  It looks to be a most unusual Sunday, what with it being Christmas and all that goes along with that.  It seems a simple request and a likely outcome, but then I've been thinking that since about Thanksgiving.  Cough cough cough...........

I just checked out Cortney's stats.  They won the game handily and although she only made one basket she did have 11 assists.  So that put her percentage of the offensive output on top of her high scoring teammate.  I stayed here in my warm home and ended my busy day by watching the BYU game.  I am kind of holding my breath because so far I am still feeling pretty good.  Seems that I still need to take pills to help out, but at least they seem to work and make it better.  I will take some more when I go upstairs in a few minutes.  I did enjoy my work today  I didn't worry about getting it all done and I just relaxed and tried not to feel the pressure of getting it done. I do have to keep at it by starting early in the morning, but I will do that and just keep on working on the papers until I get them finished.  Sheila and I were talking today and I said something that was a new thought that I hadn't had before it came to me then.  But it impressed my and spoke what I have been feeling.  I see my 65 years as having taught me a lot of stuff.  I see me as knowing lots and that's to be commended.  But the more I know the more I know that I don't know.  That really isn't a contradiction.  It is reality.  I can't pretend that I know it all, because what I do know, and it is considerable, only reveals that there is so much more to be known.  Even simple stuff baffles me.  But I know that that is the way that it should be and is.  Answers bring questions, and more answers bring more questions.  It is overwhelming to me.  I am overwhelmed by what I know and what I do not know.  I realize that my main objective then is to make sure that what I do learn and what I question have to be centered in the things that are most important to know and to question.  As long as I keep myself focused that way it will continue to be an exciting adventure discovering new and important things as new answers as well as new questions. 

I'm hesitant to even think that I am feeling better.  It seems a curse of sorts to think that way.  Its been such a roller coaster for way too long and I did write about feeling better too many times to feel even worse almost immediately.  Even right now that is playing out.  For the last couple of hours I was okay, but right now my nose is starting to run, my cough seems real close and I feel the fevery, achy congested feeling of a cold.  By recent standards it is past my bed time.  But I do feel positive about my tomorrow.  Richard brought in a lot of new work so suddenly my week takes on a different look.  I was pretty much ready to coast out the last 2 weeks of the year.  Now, I can still coast, but I can be busy doing it.  I do need to take something.  What, I don't really know, but I need to call this day and look forward to Tuesday.  I really thought I was getting there, but I can't say that now.   Darn!

 I was really quite disappointed last night.  On the drive home from Sherri's I realized that not only was I tired from being out past my bed time I was feeling very much the same as I have for the past 2 weeks plus.  I had written about getting better on Friday night and I believed that I was.  But all of that changed.  I even stayed home from church today.  I figured that my cough would keep me from singing so going to choir seemed out and I examined very carefully how my body felt and concluded that I was officially still sick.  I have the same conclusion right now.  I am beginning to think that I am allergic to 2011 and won't get any better until the year is done.  It is really disappointing to me.  For a time this afternoon Sheila and I sat in our bedroom with all of the blinds up and we talked while watching the birds fly into our back yard and take advantage of our water fall.  It was really quite strange because there would be waves of robins and then they would leave and another kind of bird would show up.  Then a third species would fly in and wash in the waterfall and drink in the pond and peck around on the grass.  It was as if they were organized.  A few magpies would come in whenever and 2 doves were there for awhile as if they didn't have to follow any schedule.  We discussed the end of this year and what we want for 2012.  It really felt strange talking about the end of this year and a whole new year that will start in under 2 weeks.  It will bring some interesting changes some that we have an idea about, and some that will come as surprises just as this year did.  Sheila will continue her job which has been a good thing for her.  That was a hard thing for me to accept, but I do, and feel it has been a good thing for a lot of reasons.  Of course, much of what we anticipate isn't for us.  Some things are, but with 40 plus of us that is a lot of lives being lived and a lot of new and different circumstances that we are connected too.  I have written many times about our future.  Not in any real and concrete terms, because I do not have it figured out. But there is something out there for us and we just have to find it.  A new year always enhances that kind of feeling.  So speculating about 2012 falls right into that.  What will 12 more months do to us.  Imagine me doing 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 56, 58, 59 and then 60 push ups one year from now.  Maybe we will be able to afford a new car then.  What callings my come our way in a year?  All of that makes me feel so tired.  In fact, right now with being so sick everything makes me feel tired.  So I guess my question should be:  will I ever be well again in 2012?  What will I call 'normal' in the coming 12 months.  And where will Nicholas end up for his mission?  There is just so much that we are looking forward to, but most of it is unknowable until it actually happens.  I guess that is one reason that life is interesting.  You just have to live it to see how the story is going to turn out.

I'm too tired and too sick to do this tonight.  I will write 2 pages tomorrow!

Finally I feel like I'm getting on top of my illness.  I'm not quite 100 % but for the 1st time in weeks I'm feeling tired, but healthy.  I actually good, and going into the weekend I have such good vibes about what is before me.  Work has finally hit the season so I just have to adjust and take it for what it isn't and know that I can back off a little for another week or so before I begin my 2012 effort after Christmas.  And it feels so much better to feel so much better.

Had an interesting start to my day.  Because of my cold and cough I have slept much of my nights in the recliner chair in the front room.  Sitting up has been a lot easier on me then laying flat.  This morning Sheila wanted to get up a half hour earlier at 5:30 so she could get to work and finish earlier in order to get to Shauni's.  When she got up I decided to move to the recliner and sleep in until about 7 and then shower and dress and get in to the office.  I did and she left and I slept so well and felt so good, but eventually felt it was time to get up.  When I went into the bedroom and looked at the clock I was shocked to see that it said 9:04.  I was surprised and had to change my plans by not showering and quickly dressing and off into the office.  After awhile Sheila got back to change and prepare to leave to go to Shauni's.  I told her about my sleeping in and she told me about her mistake.  When she set the alarm she changed it an hour ahead.  So when she arrived at the school it was 5:30 instead of 6:30! She just got to work and did her thing.  Me, I had gone back to sleep at 4:30 instead of 5:30 and slept until 8:04 instead of 9.  No wonder I was able to get back to sleep so easily.  

 

Anyway, Nicholas is back and we are anxious to see him tomorrow night.  Oh yeah,  last night I did stay up long enough to see the results of Cortney's game on the internet.  Too bad, so sad a 3 point loss in OT!

It's too early to get the results on Cortney's ball game.  I find it a little strange that I am shutting down this early, but then when I think about it it has been this way for over 3 weeks.  It was even before I got sick.  I believe it was just before Thanksgiving when we drove to Sharolyn's place in Arizona.  After the long drive I was tired so I went to bed early.  When we got back this gombu hit me and I have been pretty consistent about going to bed earlier then normal.  So now this is 'normal'.  As of right not I do feel so much better.  But I still feel 'it' and, of course, the fatigue comes with it.  It is so hard for me to realize that this month is about 1/2 over.  The end of the year is so close.  Before I now it I'll be writing 2012 on my stuff.  Work is taking on a year's end kind of feel too.  I haven't yet hit the vacation mode, but being sick I have been able to really, really 'relax' without feeling too much guilt.  Imagine, Christmas is only 10 days away.  I want so much to sleep and not do anything, but that is complicated by my desire to be active, work and be productive.  How can those 2 diametrically opposites exist in me??

Anyway, I decided that I will sit up until Cortney's stats become available and then I will go to bed.  Don't know what tomorrow will bring.  But I do hope that I continue to make progress even though  it is in such small steps.  Believe me, any progress is welcome.

I need to apologize to Brooklyn.  I should be at her school program, but I am getting ready to go to bed and try for a drug-induced nights sleep.  Sheila did venture up there and I am thankful for her doing that.  I haven't felt this bad since the painful days of my bursitis.  I am so sick (pun intended) of being sick.  Its got to end some time, but this is ridiculous. It has affected my work, it has affected my eating, it has affected my thinking and it affects my sleep as well.  My mouth is so sore that it is a constant bother now.  That is why I am going to take some pain pills in just a little while and hope that I can sleep well.  Sometimes I feel so close to being over this and then it jumps up and grabs me hard and I feel really badly.  I hope to be sound asleep when Sheila gets home, but I'm not sure that that is possible.  I won't be whole until she gets back.  So it is a big night for me.  Richard and Kathy just left and now I know what to expect for tomorrow.  Sick or not I have to do my work.  I'm fortunate that I can do it while I'm sick.  Anyway, its 8:11 p.m. and I am ready to call it a day. Sorry Brooklyn.  I'll make it to the next one.

Woke up to some snow covering the ground.  It has been an overcast cold day too.  Me, I just stayed indoors working in the office and napping at least twice.  Now its 8:40 and I am ready to call it a day.  I would like to say that I am feeling lots better, but in some ways I am actually feeling worse.  I am on the verge of a sore throat and that is the one thing that I have avoided so far, and feared the most.  My cough has been much better, but my 'flu-y- ness' has been a bother on several occasions throughout the day. I had such a good night last night that I felt I was off and running, but not so fast.  It seems I have other symptoms that I need to endure first.  cough cough cough    I hear Sheila doing the same every once in a while, but I believe she actually is doing better.  I hope so.  I will take the last dose of the yucky medicine to go to bed on and see what happens.  Here's hoping for relief. I know it will happen sooner or later. 

I did have some good moments today.  Mostly the last couple of hours I have felt pretty good.  But as I wind down my cough is coming back and I am feeling fatigue and a little 'flu-y'.  I am ending my day early, but that is a routine that I have been following for several weeks now.  I wish I had the sharpness and the energy to tackle the 'book', but I don't yet.  It will just have to wait.  But I am seeing small bits of time during the day when I do feel good and 'sharp' but unfortunately they don't last.  It now is a race between her and me as to who is really going to get well first.  I wouldn't mind if it was her.  Just somebody, anybody get well.  Sheila missed out on her dinner at the Texas Roadhouse because Sandra was passing a kidney stone.  Then I messed up Lora and John and us going because I didn't feel up to it.  I just stayed here and prepared for tomorrow and felt good for awhile and now I am feeling worse.  But I have made it through one more day.  I have started another week.  And I have made some progress in my work.  I even got a new client, or an old client that is coming back.  I can't figure it out.  There I was yesterday virtually knowing Tim Tebow was going to do it again as if I made it happen and yet I can't figure out my own path.  I can't see past this cold, cough or yuck that I have.  And a week ago I wrote that it was getting old, imagine how it feels after another week!

I committed to get up early and be on time for choir practice but I honestly did not expect much but coughing.  Then I had the thought that a small miracle would be nice, but it could only happen if I was actually there.  So thoughts of not going were replaced and I again gave some credence to the idea of a private, little miracle just for me if I showed up.  And you know what, it actually happened.  I wasn't great, but I sang better then I had since we started in September.  Then after practice I continued to cough and it has been with me on and off since until even now.  But it didn't occur during my lesson which was another seemingly out of body experience.  I actually liked the way that it went, but I leave in behind very quickly.  It still seems so strange to me.

I just heard Sheila coughing again.  We both are still dealing with that and are quite tired of it all.  How much longer are we going to have to put up with it?  She says that here bouts really take her energy, and I have to concur.  Just being sick is bad enough, but a few coughing episodes and I'm thinking nap time.  It's a good thing that Sunday is a good day to think that way.  I did take a short nap early, but since then we have had tithing settlement and dinner and I watched Tim Tebow do it again.  But I have run out of energy.  It's 8:31 and I'm nearly finished with this so I will go up and get ready for bed.  I've been quite chilly down here anyway since I watched a show about state trooper in Alaska so I really need to warm and cuddling up with a thick blanket and going to sleep really appeals to me.

I'm a bit anxious about the coming week.  My last two weeks have been my best two weeks of the year and I'm afraid that I am in for a slow down.  So I will have to be creative in order to be productive and have to work hard to make this coming week as good as I can.  It all seems like such a dream.  I don't know quite how to explain it. Of course life is all too real, but somehow there it is happening to me and there I am just letting it happen.  I can't explain it to myself so any explanation  will probably be difficult to explain to you. Cough cough cough......................................................................

I just checked for Cortney's results as I did last night, and they won again.  This time by a large margin.  I am 'proud' (seems to be the right word) of her, but more for what she is then how she plays basketball (or volleyball or soccer or softball or rugby)  When I really think about our family it takes me to a pleasant place that I don't visit often enough.  

As for my day, it was quite weird.  I am still a bit concerned about how well I will feel tomorrow.  I have made it through today without any medicine and I do feel better, but I would like it to be even more.  But I have a commitment so I simply have to be up and out to meet it.  I hope my night will do for me what I need.  If not I will teach and crash.  I did do some things today, but I convalesced more then anything.  And right now I am actually feeling worse then I have most of today.  Sheila has been busy with the 3 naked bums who seem strangely quiet right now.  Maybe she has them in bed, maybe not.  I'll find out shortly when I go upstairs. Their dad will be along after awhile to take them home and we two coughers will be left to try to recuperate for we both have to teach tomorrow.  Singing in the choir, well that right now is a bother to me.  I should show up, but I doubt that I will be able to actually sing.  I need the night's rest to make life different for me when I wake up.  

I can't really tell if I'm better or not.  I have had moments each way today and now all I feel is tired and relieved that my work week is virtually over.  I will get up early and do some work in the office to get stuff ready, but that's about it.  I did get a call a few minutes ago that put some pressure on me though.  I had started to think that I just might miss church 2 weeks in a row with this darn cold.  It did have an appeal because I imagined me sleeping for 2 days straight.  I know that that is just imagination, but it does have its appeal.  Any way a brother in the quorum surprised me by asking me to sub for him in teaching his lesson.  I couldn't refuse so now I have a dead line of sorts.  I guess I could still be sick and do it, but I want to use it as incentive to get better (as if I could really do that).

I do have some evidence of me getting some better because I was able to think clearly this morning on a new subject for me.  It was a most interesting lesson that I was being taught.  It was one of those edifying moments and most helpful.  The subject was 'intimacy' as related to fidelity between a husband and a wife and as in being one as in our relationship with our Father in Heaven.  I intend to work on it a lot more, but if you think it would be of interest to you just ask me and I would love the opportunity to pursue its understanding with you.  Sheila and I had a brief, but neat discussion about it today.  

I am going to check once more to see if Cortney's ball game results are posted and then I am going to go upstairs for my nightly routine plus some preparation for my priesthood lesson for Sunday.

I tried to take the medicine that Sheila bought for me.  It was so surprisingly bad tasting that I gagged and spit it all over the place.  I hope I got enough in my mouth that it has a chance to work on me.  I am supposed to wait until about 10:30 before I take it again.  If it works I might miss that time by being asleep.  That would be nice.  As I sit here I do feel a little bit better, but certainly not the way that I would like to be feeling.  Sheila has gone over to the church to a Relief Society dinner.  I fixed me a frozen dinner and then had my deal with my medicine.  It is actually the best that I have felt all day long.  I have been really disappointed with the way this yuckiness has  hung on.  I am really ready to move on. Speaking of 'moving on' Sharon is celebrating today because she got word that her decree was signed on Monday.  I am happy for her.  It has to be a load off of her shoulders.  I have work that I could be doing, but I don't want to.  I don't even want to finish the BYU women's basketball game.  But I proceed with some trepidation because I am not sure that I will be able to sleep and start to feel better.  But I don't feel like staying here and working, and tv isn't an appeal.  So when Sheila gets home I hope to be snoring away.  And carry that one step further I hope to be having a rehabilitating kind of sleep.  This is really getting old for me.  I'm blessed to be able to keep on working, but even that isn't enough.  I want to be well!!

I'd like to write that I am well.  But that would be a lie, a big lie.  I actually went backwards from yesterday.  The good part is that Sheila did make some progress. When she left for work we agreed that if she had a good morning she would stay and have lunch with the ladies.  I didn't hear from her at shift's end so I figured she had a good morning.  That meant that I could take advantage and ask her to do me a couple of errands.  So I did, and she did.  She's been spending the evening making cookies.  Me, I've been watching BYU basketball.  The game is still on, but certainly over for Weber State.  I'm about over too.  I will end my day and hope for a bearable night. I did get my morning work ready and it looks like I will have another good day in a strong week.  So things are going well except for my health.  I spend my days working hard and feeling quite terrible.  Here's hoping...

The best part of a pretty good day is that I believe that Sheila is finally making some progress with her cough.  She said that she made it through her work, and she has done much better when she has been here at home.  I can say that I have made some progress as well, but now that my day is pretty much over I am aware of feelings that I do not like and a general yuckiness that makes me aware that it is still here.  Better bu still hanging around.  I don't cough very much but when I do it kinda hurts.  I will take another dose of alka-seltser and try for a long and good night sleeping.  (for both of us, of course)

Until my cold is done and gone my days seem pretty routine because I don't feel like doing anything more then just getting through the day.  I know that I do sick pretty well, but if I have my druthers I choose to not be sick.  Enough being a good sport about it. lets have it over with---please!

I am faced with a pretty common dilemma.  One that comes around almost every night.  But tonight it does have a few new elements.  The most obvious is my state of health.  But to come to the end of any day wanting to do more and work harder yet knowing that it is time to call it and get ready for tomorrow.  The time is different too.  It is only 18 minutes after 7 which is way earlier then normal.  But I really feel like I am empty and hoping that good sleep will not only fill me up, but I really would like to make progress against my cold.  I'd love for Sheila to do the same with her cough too.  At least it is quiet in my office as opposed to the last few day with several of those fans blasting away making a constant racket.  The basement is supposed to be dried out now, so we can move on to the other work that needs to  be done to repair the damage of our little holiday flood.  My illness has really been the biggest part of my day.  I have really felt quite horrible today and it has been hard for me to keep working through it.  I napped 2 maybe 3 times and now I'm going to try to go to bed quite early.  I'd like for Sheila to try too, but if I know her she will not claiming that she would not be able to sleep.  Me, I can most anytime, and if not I just relax myself enough that it is almost the same.  I feel pretty good that I can sit home all day listening to good 'church' music and slack off on overworking myself and still have a good day money-wise.  I'll keep on keeping on, but mostly I just want both of us to feel better.

I actually slept in until 11 am this morning! Of course it wasn't like I slept for 14 hours straight.  I was up several times during the night and in the morning for bathroom and 'change of venue' and medicine.  That 'change of venue' meant that I slept in my bed, in the recliner chair in the front room and in my 'green' chair in our bedroom.  My night seemed quite restful despite all of that changing going on.  I knew that I needed to stay home from church, but that didn't keep me from wondering if I wasn't sick enough to stay home.  I had a couple of small moments when I felt okay enough to figure that I should have gone, but they were quickly replaced by strong feeling of 'un-wellness' and downright being sick.  Right now I am feeling that again as I have been enjoying the family and our time together.  As soon as they left and it got quiet again I noticed all of the discomfort and yuckiness come back and over take my body.  I am also very tired all of a sudden, and find it hard to even think about anything but some medical treatments and rest and sleep and quiet and close my hurting eyes.  As badly as all of that sounds it was that good for the previous 4-5 hours.  I know I don't always appreciate them as I ought to, but I do while they are here, and then it continues to foster 'units of pleasure' just thinking about what was and what will be in similar occasions in the future.  That's from my LDS hedonistic philosophy that I learned in college.  Remind me to explain it to you sometime.

They gave me my birthday present tonight.  It was in a book form and had the pictures and some entries.  I will enjoy it forever and will try to figure out which one on the front cover is me!

I would very much like to continue with 'my book' but that will require me to be well and not sick.  I don't think very well when I feel sick as I do right now.  So task # one is to get better.  Then I hope to review and record and continue with that book project.  I continue to ponder on it and appreciate it as a very good idea and one that I really want to do.  And the importance of that is only heighten by the family hanging around as they have today.

For the 1st time in a long time I will stay home from church in the morning.  I am sick and nearly every moment reminds me of that fact.  It hasn't kept me from a little bit of work today which has prepared me for Monday.  But mostly I have just been watching BYU sports and passing the time of day. 2 victories have made it enjoyable.  It I have to be sick I chose this way to do it.  So my mind isn't very sharp and I am more then ready to call it a day and miss church for I believe only the 2nd time this year.

I was looking forward to sleeping in just a little bit this morning.  But we woke up to another situation.  It seems on top of our flooding of last week and my copy machine and the 'wicked winds'  which brought Shelli's family here for the night our water died during the night.  Sheila was up and had to take kind of a sponge shower because the water just wasn't flowing.  I had actually been debating with myself about whether I would shower of not.  But the choice was taken from me.  So I just got up and came down to the office and I got to work.  It changed Phil and Shelli's plans too.  I did call the plumber at 8 and by noon our problem was rectified.  So that was a relief, but my world was still too noisy to be comfortable.  All of these fans make noise and after all day it has gotten on my nerves a bit.  The good thing though is that at least it isn't cold like it was with the fans that our kids had gotten earlier.  Now there is some kind of a humidifier which warms the air a bit. So my day never did get 'fresh' just busy.  And now it is on a downward trend.  Sheila just left to drive to Centerville to attend a movie with the 'girls'.  Me, I am feeling all of my symptoms and I am so very tired with everything.  I figure I will take an Alka-Seltzer which I teased Sheila into buying and I will try to read for a little while, but I expect to be asleep about the time that their movie starts.  My day hasn't been too bad, just a little 'off''.  I will be happy when the time comes when these fans get gone.  And I will be even happier when my health returns.  It doesn't keep me working, but it does make me tire easily and at the end of my day when I am unwinding it bothers me more.  At least I should be able to take a hot shower tomorrow.  And we now know that we need to get a new toilet.  And Saturday, ah Saturday a day with a little less pressure.  I have a lot to look to tomorrow for.  (with an attitude of gratitude---from Sheila's prayer before she left)

I'd like to write that I feel well and am all over my cold, but it actually feels worse right now then it has throughout the day.  I realize that I need to get to bed and try for another good night and some progress tomorrow.  As for today I did do much of what I hoped for.  Richard served all of those tax garnishments  and he made $1,019.00 for himself and just a few dollars more for me.  I was hoping for more from the other guys, but so far that won't be what I wanted.  But there is tomorrow and my week should end up above my average for this almost over year of 2011.  

Right now we have Shelli's family sleeping over and Robert's kids here waiting for him to come get them after his class gets over.  Today was historic in the annals of Utah weather and as a result there was a downed tree in Shelli's back yard and no power to keep their home warm and lighted.  So they are here along with what seems like a dozen powerful fans blowing away trying to dry out our basement.  It will make for a noisy office for another couple of days.  This is a major insurance and fix-up project such as never before.  But it is what Sheila wants and who am I to argue.  Just as last night I come to the end of my day having spent my energy with good work habits, but even more so with my cold and cough which has sapped my strength.  I am beginning to wonder just how long this will last.  My history suggests that every year I do this 2 and possibly 3 times and it usually last for several days.  It changes from cough to misery to running nose to fatigue and back and forth for a while before it finally gives up on me and leaves.  I have learned to take some advantage of it which usually comes during the time I try to sleep, but if  not it is a wonderful time to ponder and study myself and my foundation principles.  I find it quite edifying and really a lot of fun.  It makes being sick almost worth it, but I would rather be well and do it then too.  anyway, cough, cough time for bed.

Most of the day I was focused on my work and I didn't think of much else.  I even forgot to eat, which is not uncommon for me.  I worked hard to get things prepared for tonight and tomorrow.  Even now as I am tying this Richard is here finishing up the huge pile of tax garns that he has to serve in the morning.  It will make it a big pay day for both him and me.  It'll help make my week passable, but I learned long ago that consistency is always the key to success.  I just need to keep doing what I do day in and day out.  It seems real surprising to me that December is now here.  How many times have I remarked this year that it was really going by rapidly?  So things are doing okay, but now I have 'her' cold or should I say cough?  It isn't terrible, but it is wearing and it comes with fatigue and a general numbing of my life sensors.  It also takes something away from my sleep time too.  At the same time it makes my sleep time more appreciated.  And right now that is about all that I want to think about.  I have put in my time here, I have equipped Richard so he will do well tomorrow, and I actually have less pressure on me to be up and working because Marv (who I worked so hard to prepare papers for) will not be working tomorrow.  Seems he has some blister or something on his eye.  The good part is that I already have his stuff for Friday ready for him.  I really feel that this cold of mine is getting bad enough that I might end up spending part of tomorrow in bed recuperating.  Better tomorrow then today.  And better this week then last week.  cough cough cough!!!  Time for bed.

Seems like I am falling into a habit of going to bed earlier.  Since our trip to Arizona last week I have been getting up earlier and flat out running out of energy earlier.  I am beginning to believe that I have caught what Sheila had (still has).  I do cough some, but not as much as she does, but it does tire me out.  Also, I am freezing here in the office because we have been running a fan in the basement to dry things out and it cools off a place that is already too cool for me.  I guess that the amount of work that I am putting in through the day is a factor too.  I believe that I am near the top of that after today and I will be able to get some other tasks done and maybe even have some time to relax too.  You might notice that I have put off my next entry to my 'book', but it just isn't right yet.  Even without that there is still so much going on in my head.  I am still overwhelmed.  As I take a moment to look around the office I may have to take that back.  I do have stuff here that I will work on tomorrow so that may take my full day again.  Right now I am 3 weeks behind in my checkbook and if I let myself I could really be worried.  I just try not to think about it.  My copy machine fix was a blessing, and Sheila says that she will pay for the flood fix, but it is still an up hill battle.  But on the things that are really important I have a much better feeling about.  I just feel good about our life.  A new grand son, work to keep me out of trouble and and understanding of who we are and what we are really about.  I know how much of a blessing that is.  Now, just trying to live up to it is a real challenge, but it is a challenge that I am so blessed to have.  I need to get warm.

About the time that my interest in Monday Night Football faded and I asked myself why am I watching this? I noticed that my energy had left too.  After all I was in the office just after 7 this morning and I have been playing catch-up all day long.  I am very happy to report that around 2 o'clock I had my copy machine back better this it has been in a long time and it did not cost me an arm and a leg.  I'd judge that I got about 1/2 way back with another 1/2 to go until I an up to the day in my work.  It did feel good to get something done, but it is also still called 'work' for a reason.  I was going to try and get back to my 'book' but my mind has not been able to stray so as to be creative so I will leave that again with every intention of doing it as soon as I feel able.  I know that if I let it the pressure of all that weighs on me could crush me.  So I just don't think about it.  I know that I have to consider it in order to deal appropriately with it, but concentrating on the present needs helps and some of those other things I can't do anything about right now anyway.  So as things rise on my list of tasks to the 'timely table' I will deal with them as needed and save my sanity in the mean time.  I find the little time when I can just sit and think to be most beneficial.  Last night I had an idea that helped me a lot today.  I consider it a 'gift idea' and I will gladly accept all of those that I can.  Anyway, my little gray cells are dull and a little numb right now so a change of venue and a good night's rest are what's required. 

I'm still not back to what I can call normal.  I want to go to bed early again and I have high hopes that tomorrow will see my copy machine problem solved which will allow me to really get my work done.  I will have to solve it one way or another.  That is, it can be fixed. I buy another used one, or a new one.  I hope for the least expensive solution.  I really can't move forward much until that happens.  We got Phil's car back to him today.  And we saw our new grandson.  Right now Sheila is tending Lucas, Kaleb and Co Co.  But tomorrow morning when I get up it will be a full fledged work day (if my machine problem gets solved)

I did teach my 2 lessons today.  But as has been my way the last year of so I just can't think about it too much.  I have no way to gauge how it went. And the best thing is to just move on and look ahead and not behind.  I do want to get back to my book, but that isn't right just yet either.  So for now it's just catch up mode and then I start to concern myself with those other things.  That is if I do find that I have the energy to do so.

It is good to be back home.  We found it much the same as we left it with the exception with the aftermath of the flooding from last Wednesday.  And my work is overwhelming, especially with my copy machine not working.  So much of how I do my work depends on copies.  All I can do is wait for Monday and hope that it can be fixed.  Too soon to think of other options, but I will just do what I have to do to move forward.  I would like to be able to just go ahead and catch up by working late tonight, but 'my machine' needs some help too.  I am talking about rest.  I intend to go to bed real early tonight.  I lucked out to be able to watch the BYU basketball game tonight--kinda like payback from last night so I will finish that but that and my lessons and sleep is all that is on my agenda.  We left just before 8:30 this morning and got here just after 12:30 this afternoon.  So much to do.  But so much to appreciate from this past week.  It will all work out, but it is a challenge to me right now.  I really, really want my lessons to go well tomorrow, and then I will meet Monday when Monday comes around.

Perhaps I should stay down here in the office longer and try to get some more work finished.  After all, we are leaving near mid-day on our little road trip. But no, I have made a calculated choice to end my day down here and finish in my bedroom with my regular routine stuff and a clipboard to write down anything that I think of that needs my attention before we leave.  I have been here working on stuff, and I know that Sheila has been even busier in the kitchen getting stuff made and washed and ready too.  I hope that we have things covered and don't end up with something overlooked that will come back and haunt us.  I guess that we did leave stuff until tonight and even some stuff for tomorrow, but I believe that we will be okay.  I still have stuff work -wise to do in the morning as a few errands of preparation as well.  I know that even though just driving a car isn't particularly taxing it will not be easy to spend around 6 hours on the road for each of 2 days going and coming.  But they also figure to be quite pleasant as we will be together and we seem to have things well prepared to make it nice.  The next 5 entries will certainly tell you the story.

I did stay for a few minutes but then I went upstairs to go to bed and it was dark!  Sheila had finally given in and was sleeping soundly while I did my things to get ready for bed.  She had the alarm set for 7:30 which let me know that she wasn't planning for choir practice.  I needed more time so I reset it for 7 and when I got up the decision was made that she would be staying home from church.  I ventured out on my own.  After the block I had 2 home teaching appointments and then I finally crashed for a short nap.  Around 3 we took a road trip for some errands and especially to get Phil's car for our real road trip on Tuesday.  The best part of my day was the time that we had to just talk during the ride.  I told Sheila that I was actually getting excited about our visit to Arizona.  Sheila actually finished my sentence with the word 'excited' at the same time.  The rest of our day has been pretty uneventful.  I still feel left over good vibes from yesterday.  I talked to her about that, and even now I'm not quite sure that I understand why I feel so good.  I just feel right.  I feel tired, but I feel good too.  I decided to let my book go for at least one more night.  I am anxious to write it but I want to do it up right.  I really find it hard to realize how fast this month is flying by.  How this coming week will go I know not, but I am trying to get it organized and am looking forward to it.  It is early right now and I need to spend some time just thinking.  There is so much on my mind.  My major effort will be to consider my present feelings and mind-set and see if I can understand me better.  I don't recall feeling quite this way before.  It is confusing.  Wonderful, but confusing.

I'm taking a break from my book.  (you didn't know about my book did you.  well, I'll give more info at a later date, but for now I am just taking a break)

I worked hard today because I had let some stuff pile up and because I am really trying hard to get ready for our trip next Tuesday.  We did make our room reservation at a place in Kanab and I am getting my  mind set and my work in some kind of an order so I won't mess up too much by being gone from Tuesday through Saturday.  And I can say that almost everything has gone my way today.  I have enjoyed my games.  I have enjoyed getting task after task finished.  It was hard work, but it really felt good.  I am hoping that Sheila will keep on getting better.  We are planning of that because we are still planning to go.  But she told me that today was really strange for her because she never did leave the house.  I only left to go to the post office and get gas and they I did go outside to get the paper this morning, the mail this afternoon and to check the skimmer.  I also walked over to the church about 7:30 to do my calling.  I also am feeling good about a phone call that asked me to teach gospel doctrine in sunday school next week.  I had almost given up on that ever happening again, because the have others who have been doing it and what seems like several different called teachers. So both Sheila and I will have our long drives to and from Sharolyn's to work on our lessons.  I will also be teaching that same sunday in high priests quorum.  All that and I did shave this morning so I have felt clean cut and successful today as my work has been going okay too.  My week ended up with much better #'s then I had anticipated.  Anyway, BYU is doing well too, and I am getting tired enough that I will go to bed before it is over.  Sunday just starts too early and I figure I need my beauty sleep.  But I will get back to my book probably tomorrow night.  That has also been a real positive part of my feeling good too.  Right now things just seem to be going better then I deserve and I am so thankful for it and really really aware of my blessings.

To learn and to know truth is a wonderful and rewarding experience. Yet it is not enough.  The magic of mortality is that we can, even must act on that knowledge.  We make decisions, we move, we commit, we venture, we create, we exercise faith and we become.  We become doers of the word.  This is not an easy task.   There are so very many choices. It is a learn as you grow opportunity.  So inevitably we make mistakes.  We stumble.  We make wrong choices and we sin.  It seems that we disqualify ourselves even before we understand the nature of the process.  We drown in our own bad choices looking for a life-line.  Then we discover that this is one, and slowly we begin to understand how it works and what we need to do to over come ourselves in order to find that joy and happiness which we were created to enjoy. We come to understand that knowing and doing need each other.  They are partners.  We do in order to know and we know in order to do.  But again, we are faced with choices.  What do we need to know and what do we need to do, and what knowledge and action do we need to cast off and avoid.  We need to find out what is the most important thing for us to know and what doing does that knowledge inspire and require.

I said that I did not know everything.  I would be foolish to even think that way.  But I do know some things.  When I say that, I am talking about some important true things, some important and true things that relate to  the hard questions that we ask ourselves about who we are and why we are here, and, of course, what is the purpose of it all, and where are we going.  I know the answers to those question because I have gone to the 'source' and I have learned the 'process' that God uses to bless us with that knowledge that we so desperately seek.  It hasn't always been so, and it was not easy.  But as I look back on my schooling I can see my desires, my struggles and the answers that were given me by experience, inspiration and even revelation.  The truths that I have been taught are certainly not mine alone, in fact, much of the teaching was done by others who had been taught the same things and then passed them on to me.  But the confirmation was my own.  It had to be, because it is something very intimate and personal.  Those kinds of truths are not meant to be just learned and accepted from others, even those that we greatly respect and who would never think to mislead us.  But the process is for us to hear, think, ponder and then seek for ourselves a personal confirmation from the spirit that those things are true.  The process is clearly outlined in the scriptures. All of us are invited to seek that revelation for ourselves.  I have done that on many ocassions and received that blessing.  That doesn't make me extraordinary or any better then another.  It just means that I have been blessed by my Father just as many others of my brothers and sisters have been blessed.  It is not a competition nor any kind of a contest.  It is each one striving to know and understand the answers to the question that this mortal experiece brings to us.  One truth that comes with some of these wonderful answers is that we are then responsible to teach what we know.  The 'process' requires that of us, and if we are not willing to do that then our own learning will suffer.  We are expected to 'share the light' in order to enjoy and receive more of the 'light'.  And the truths that are available for us to learn are unlimited!

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This source and process originates with our Father in Heaven.  It is available to us because He, as God, wants us to 'fulfill the measure of our creation' and find joy and happiness in this mortal experience as well as in what will come afterward.  However, this joy and happiness as well as the truths that we so much want to understand about who we are and why we are here cannot simple be given to us.  We must receive them.  Therein lies the dilemma that we encounter as we live out our lives.  We want to understand the truth of things and have the joy without the required effort and trial which is needed to give them meaning and value to us.  The way that we value these things is directed related to the price that we pay to acquire them.  The receiving of them is an act of faith and obedience.  Sometimes a lot of faith and a lot of obedience is required before the desired blessings come to us.  I believe that our Father wants to give us all that he has but cannot until we are willing not to so much earn them as to simply put ourselves in to a condition where we can 'receive' them without being overwhelmed.

Page One

I do not pretend to know all of the answers for myself or for anyone else.  But I do contend that I know of the source and the process that does make all of the answers available to each and all of us in a general and universal way as well as in a manner specifically designed for each of us in our own very personal and unique circumstance.

Time keeps moving right along.  I wish I could keep up with it, but I don't seem to be able to do that.  Haven't for years so I have stopped trying and so I just try to ignore it and to live in the moment (whatever that means).  Today was a bit of a different challenge because I had no idea of how to fill my time.  I still had part of my pile left so I just dove in and frankly I was surprised at how much there was for me to do.  And, in fact, there still is plenty to do.  The problem is that it is mostly busy work with much less chance of making any money out of it.  But it has to be done and I guess that is why it has been building up for such a long time while I had more timely work to capture my attention.  So I guess that today is a kind of a valuable day to catch up on stuff even though it isn't real productive stuff.  This week looks to be down quite a bit from the last couple of weeks and I would prefer it not be, but all I can do is accept what is and try hard to use my time for good things.  That is my purpose in doing this before 9 pm.  I want to get in some reading tonight and learn something good to feed my little gray cells and also edify my mind and heart. When I am able to do that I feel that my days are more worthwhile and it also does good things for my well being.  I am still trying to figure the answer to the question I posed last night about my cynicism.  This idea of self improvement is really a hard thing.  First I am finding it really hard to discover where I lack, because I am so good at hiding that, even from myself.  And second, once you have something it is just a hard thing to acquire of add or change just because it is.  But my time is running out.  I am 65.  As much as I always believed that I would live to see the millennium I'm not so sure anymore.  I have to be prepared for anything.  So as long as I am here I might just as well do something worthwhile.  I do know what is right and what is important I'm just not as good as it as I hope that I am tomorrow.

Sheila called it a 'cliff hanger', but it really was more of a 'yawner'.  But whatever the name I did stay down here an extra few minutes to watch the end of the game the outcome of which was never in doubt.  I thought that I could handle getting up around 7 because Sheila had to get up first and I would shower and have time to eat some breakfast and get dressed and to choir in time.  The reality is that our ward choir does not start at 8.  Only the director and our recently called accomp..the guy who plays the piano and me are the only ones there for a while.  Sheila was there shortly thereafter and we actually did end up with more then we've had before because the Bishopric decided to join us so they would be a good example to all of those who really should be there.  When Sheila got there she came wheeling in a suitcase as if she was about to board a plane.  But I knew that it was just her Sunbeam preparation kit.  We had our block and then hurried to Robert and Cicily's ward where Lucas and both of his parents spoke.  Since then we have enjoyed a lazy day.  But lazy days are as tiring as non lazy days so I am ready to wind down.  Tomorrow starts a new work week that has me a little apprehensive.  For the last two weeks I have had lots of work.  But we got all of the papers served and they haven't yet been replenished.  So this week looks bleak at this moment.  I know it will be okay.  It's been this way for 40 years.  I fret about not having enough work and then I'll fret when I have more.  I guess I just like to fret.  Then I have said that no matter the job there really isn't any security in the world.  I know the only security it in eternal things.  But I am human enough to still do my fair share of fretting.  I do like to fret and then get amazed when it turns around.  That way I always appreciate the blessings and acknowledge them as such but I fret about whether I ought to fret or exercise more faith.  How long will it take for me to see it turn out that way before I accept that it will keep on doing it?  Or am I just a flawed human being who somehow enjoys being a little cynical?  That is a good question for me to consider.  I welcome any opinions that you would venture to share with me. 

I'm not that much of a fan that a late starting runaway game keeps me on the edge of my seat even if it is BYU.  I'm not sure if I will stay up too much longer as the 4th quarter is just about to start.  But at least I am doing this now at just after 10 and the game rapidly losing interest for me.  I can end my day feeling okay about my day because we at least got to the temple today.  And I feel good about my own early morning 'devotional'.  And I do have some pretty good thoughts that I am still trying to think about.  Otherwise the day hasn't been overwhelming.  Because we planned to get to the temple I did shave this morning so I hope it saves me at least a few minutes in the morning that I can sleep in just a bit.  For some reason I feel this 'dread' when I have to get up earlier then I want.  It mostly happens on Sunday when I am tempted to sleep in but there is the block and there is choir.  In the coming year our block will be later and I think that I like that better.  But for tomorrow I will force myself and I will probably feel better after sleeping anyway.  But for now I am split between more game and more sleep.  What will I do.  The drama is building.  Stay tuned to see what happens with this cliff hanger yawner.

I don't know if it has anything to do with me getting older, but I find that I am tied into my routine.  And when my routine is disrupted it throws me off and seems to affect me a lot.  This morning there was a disruption because Sheila set the alarm for 4 am and my sleep was disturbed.  I tried to make up for that my not getting up to face my day until about 7:30 which wasn't too bad.  But then today was a court holiday and the post office was closed and even though lots of folks had normal work days lots didn't and my work was really affected a lot.  So I did not have a  normal work day and I would have preferred just having work to do all day.  I'm not sure which part affects the way that I feel right now more:  my interrupted sleep or the mediocre effort that I put into my day because there really wasn't any challenge to do more.  Either way I am really tired and I want to get to bed.  I have higher hopes for tomorrow but I don't always do my Saturdays as well as I'd like either.  I am trying to figure out why I have this apathy and then do something about it, but the nature of apathy is just that:  I don't care very much about anything.  The one thing I do care about right now is sleep, so maybe I can build upon that and let it lead me on to bigger and better things.  One thing, we have our garage back as of a little while ago.  Now Sheila won't have to 'scrape' in the mornings. So count to day with at least one step.  Maybe tomorrow I can work on two.

I was just about to leave to go over to the church.  It was just before 10 pm and Sheila asked me to go upstairs to have prayer with her so she could go to bed.  Now that is different.  I don't believe that in the last year there was but one, maybe two times that she has gone to bed before I did.  I know that this is a special circumstance though.  A couple of weeks ago Shelli had let us know that tomorrow 11-11-11 would be a grandparents day at, I think, Logan's school.  Being the good grandma that she is she figured out a way to go to work and also make it up to Kaysville for that luncheon.  She is going in at 5 am in order to get her job done and then make her way there.  This kinda reinforces some thoughts that I have had often and for a long time.  In a way they are negative, but in another way they are positive.  As to Sheila they are all positive.  She is just the best granny.  She is always thinking of the kids and the grand kids.  It is about me that I am thinking negative and positive.  The negative is that I am not that good.  I don't leave here much and I am this old recluse.  Today Sheila said that I have become less social over the years.  She did say that I can be really good when I am in a social situation, but that I don't venture out into those kinds of situations as often as I used to.  I really wonder about that.  Am I a hermit?  Do I do better in my solitude?  I wonder.  Anyway, there is a positive that I cling to.  If I didn't do what I do stuck here in my office just doing my thing in relative isolation then she couldn't do her thing being out and spreading her goodness around where ever.  I admit that that is a good and a bad feeling too.  My starfish deal sees that as a good thing.  I am making a difference 'to that one' even though my service is barely noticeable except to   Sheila.  The problem with all of this is that it is really easy to get down on myself because I'm not doing stuff that is noticeable to me.  I just don't see it as much.  It feels too convenient and too self-serving.  And I find that I am afraid of considering breaking out of my sheltered life.  I am where I belong and I don't really want to change the status quo. I do wonder 'is that all there is?' and I really don't know the answer to that question.  And of course I feel that I am the only one with those kinds of questions.  I believe that every body else has the answers.  Every one else knows where they are going.  They all have 'it' figured out.  But then I really don't believe that either.  But it would be nice to sit down and talk with someone who did. Maybe I can do that.  After all I do know who that is.  You do too!

I had another pretty average day.  But I am trying to change my 'lens' and see something in it that is worthwhile, really neat or just good.  I know that tend to get pretty judgmental and I overlook the 'roses' or the 'forget-me-nots' that do come each day.  I also tend to get so used to things as they are that I forget how they could be.  I mean that in the way that they could be so much worse and we are really, really blessed now.  I see and read stuff all the time that causes me to know that our situation is good.  Yes, sometimes I do compare us to the 'Huntsman's' but I also am aware of the other side too.  As I work my way through the day I am able to see when I need to do better and more, and when I can relax and take a break.  On bad days I get those two confused, but when I am using my head I am able to make good choices sometimes.  I am still fixated on D & C Section 4.  I have read it morning and night for a couple of weeks now.  It has been a catalyst to some wonderful thoughts that I am really enjoying studying.  I told Shelli on Sunday to read it and think of it not related to missionary work, but related to our own personal journey.   I believe that it has a lot to say when looked at that way.  I am still finding new ideas come out of my study and by now I do have it memorized (again) so I can review it virtually anytime that I think about it.  You might try it.  I would be interested to know if any of you do, and if so, what you get out of it.

I just watched it again.  It was a bright spot in my day.  I watched it several times.  I am referring to the video that Shelli posted of Colton mimicking her sounds.  It was absolute evidence that he does hear.  I know that they have seen it lots, but for me it was so neat to see and hear it.  So I did over and over.  I am not saying that my day was otherwise not good.  But it sure didn't go the way that I thought that it would go.  That doesn't mean that they were bad things either.  It was just unexpected at about every turn.  But I do admit that I wanted a repeat of yesterday and I didn't get it.  I sure can't discount what I was able to do, but somehow I feel like I should have done better.  I'm glad that I have another day to try again.  This being a Tuesday Sheila had errands that took her away for a long time.  She usually is involved with Zach for Sharon until after 7.  Tonight she did another errand for Cicily that kept her out until after 9.  So she was gone today more then she was here, or at least that's the way that it felt to me.  With all of the unexpected stuff happening I never did get into the kind of rhythm that I had yesterday.  I guess that was really what I wanted, oh well,  the day wasn't all that bad.  I guess I just live a boring life.  Shelli said the other night that she doesn't write in her blog more often because she doesn't have anything interesting to say.  Well, if I can keep on writing boring stuff night after night with nothing interesting happening to me she ought to be able to too.  The truth is I don't really know how I do it.  And sometimes I really don't know why I do it either.  Well, for this Tuesday the 8th day of November in the year 2011 I bid you all good night.  (I wonder if a written word that is never read makes a sound in the forest when the tree falls!)

It may be the law, and it certainly happened for real yesterday for real, but that doesn't mean anything to my body.  No matter what time it is for 'real' it is still a full hour later to me, myself and my body.  And the extra hour that showed up yesterday morning hasn't made any difference to the way I feel right now.  I do remember that it takes me near a full week to really get adjusted to --let's see.  Is it daylight savings time now, or was it that way last week.  I don't know.  Nor do I care.  I just know that it is dark and cold and the year is slipping by faster then I can keep track of it.  I have high hopes of finishing here and then doing some reading.  And I will do some, but not much.  I'll be too tired and my day will be long and done.  But hooray for me.  I actually worked on my pile nearly all day long.  And I count that work as productive.  I feel real good about it.  It was a real test, and I feel like got a good passing grade.  After so much effort I was really surprised that I didn't finish the task.  I figure I finished about 60 % so I still have stuff to do tomorrow.  But the pile certainly doesn't appear as intimidating as it did last week and for several weeks.  I just notice another pile that is still awaiting my attention.  Actually, I have a number of 'piles' that I can do when I have time to get to them, as well as several small tasks that await the proper time.  But for  now I will sit on my laurels (no, not young women Laurels) and take a breath and finish off my Monday knowing that another full day is on the horizon.

You can judge whether I am efficient or lazy, but I am going to use this entry to do double duty and also count as a letter to both Nicholas and Sharolyn's family.  We had our family home evening tonight and Kathy and Richard were in charge.  One of the activities was a care package for those two.  We put in some cookies and some candy and each family was to write or draw something to be included in the box. We kept it a secret from Nicholas who we talked to for a long, long time on the phone during the evening.  Having the family over and thinking about those that were not here did cause me to think about and actually miss them.  You know, being a father and grandfather, and I'm sure that I can speak for Sheila (mother and grandmother) as well is a life changing event.  Here you go and spend so many years of your life being there when your children and grand children are growing up and then all of a sudden the time comes when they are not there.  Sure, you see some of them often, even frequently, but it is never the same.  It is actually quite a short amount of time that our children were together with us.  They took off to various places and different lives and we count the time that we can be with them as a great blessing.  One of the most important dreams that we carry in our heart is the fact that we will still be together as long as we choose to be.  It is a hard concept for me to really grasp, but I know that it is true and I know that it will be so much more wonderful then I can even imagine.  I felt almost cheated, but enjoyed the short visit that I had with Nicholas, but wished that I could be a much bigger part of his life.  I admit that I know the reality of that and I will settle for what I can have of him as I observe him through the coming years.  I really do have plenty of living left for myself that will keep me occupied, but wanting more of my family in my life is really a normal and a very good thing.  The same goes for Sharolyn, David, AmandaRae, Aubree, Autumn and #25. It won't be but a couple more weeks and we will be making some wonderful new memories with them when we visit Arizona for Thanksgiving.  That is our plan and we hope that it works out okay and we are really looking forward to it.  My life seems like such a strange thing.  Even though I have a pretty routine schedule week after week I make sure that I take time to consider the things that are most important to me.  Of course the 'thing' that is the most important for me to 'know' is that I am a child of God and that my Heavenly Father loves me.  The 'thing' that is most important for me to 'do' is to live so that I can return to Him and be with Him and the rest of our family.  I mean our whole family, from our past, our present, and our future.  Nothing else in this world matters more then that.

 

Whenever I have this same dilemma (which happens once a year) I can't decide whether to take the extra hour before I go to bed or after I go to bed.  I usually try to mess with it so long that I end up using it up and not having the extra hour at all.  I'll probably do the same again tonight.  Maybe I'll try for a 1/2 hour tonight and another 1/2 hour in the morning.  Somehow it never works out that I actually feel like I got the full hour anyway.  

As for my Saturday I did enough to feel pretty good about my day and prepared to continue on Monday, and like I recreated enough to say that I enjoyed myself that way.  I even did an hour on my bike while I watched BYU Women's Volleyball tonight.  It has been real cold today but I didn't end up going outside into it but a few times.  Let's see:  to get the newspaper this morning.  To help unload the groceries when Sheila go home.  to get the mail.  to check the skimmer in the pond and clean out some leaves in the waterfall.  And tonight to go over to the church which was timed just right to know that we had to pump.  It took a couple days of rain and it was just over the top when I walked out to go.  I call that good timing or more properly inspiration.  I fixed Chinese food for my 3 meals today and Sheila did once.  That totaled 6 meals from our take out of last night.  We do like the Pork Chow Mein for Chin Wah's.  It reminds us of the old South Seas in Midvale that we used to go to a lot early on in the raising of kids part of our life.  Looking forward to some of the family being here tomorrow night for out FHE.  I wish that I could sleep in tomorrow, but with choir and church and only "1/2 hour" extra it looks like I won't be able to.

I will state for the record that I feel much, much better tonight then I did last night.  And it isn't all because it's Friday night and my work week is over.  It isn't just because I took some time off of work today and we drove to Orem to watch Cortney play in the state high school volleyball tournament.  It wasn't just because we ordered our favorite Chinese meal out for dinner and there is enough left over for tomorrow.  All of those added, but the key was the choices that I made.  I was in good spirits all day and except for thinking about all of those good things that I mentioned and a little about actual work I pondered great thoughts and high ideals and wonderful possibilities.   I even walked over to the church in the snow and slippers and still got back feeling quite euphoric about my day.  Now maybe I can get to my 'pile' tomorrow and work at a relaxed pace and just work myself through the day while enjoying the good things that a Saturday can offer.  I know that I will probably not sleep in very late, but just knowing that I can changes things a lot.  I know that I won't stay up very late either, but just knowing that I could makes it seem more fun.  Oh, when we parked at the University in Orem for the match we were able to park free in the valet lot because we are 'elderly' and they didn't even charge us.  Maybe this old age stuff can give back some, after all it seems to have already taken a lot away.  Kind of a trade off I suppose.  Anyway, today I did, indeed (and in deeds) move forward as I wrote last night that I would.  And I intend to do more of the same tomorrow.  47 and 47 is just a small part of that.

I want to do this less tonight then in a long time.  I am not real happy with my day.  I wasted time that should have been put to better use.  I let myself down and I have a bad feeling about that.  BUT for some reason that baffles me I still have hope that burns inside of me that I am still a good person and that I can rebound and do better tomorrow.  There is way too much to feel good about to let less then stellar day take me out of my game.  I still have all of my faculties and I am a person of worth when my mind and heart are right so I will work on getting them back where they need to be and work some magic the rest of tonight and then tomorrow.  My week has actually been going way too well for me to spoil it completely.  Looks like I will have some choices to make tomorrow what with Cortney's game and work and the car and Sheila's work and our errands and lots of stuff.  All I know right now is that I will not waste time like I did today.  Of course with that being said you'd know that I didn't get to my 'pile' today.  I had enough to do otherwise except for my time wasted and even now I have more pressing piles that await tomorrow.  I am already feeling anxious to get started on working tomorrow towards a productive day and put today behind me.  The 3rd is now history and can only serve to learn from and help make me smarter because of it.  Anyway, except for that one problem with today I actually feel quite good.  I did 47 last night and then again this morning.  My health seems tolerable and of course my wife is the star in my sky the warmth in my  heart and the friend always on my side.  I will move forward.