This will be the last entry for January.  My normal cliche is to say how fast the time goes by.  But I won't say that.  I will say that tomorrow morning I will start with 50 push ups.  That's a number that I did not imagine along the way.  I thought that I might find a good number on the way and just repeat it.  But I'm still going and I will be able to do this.  It's a lot easier to think of as just one more rather then 50.

 

We watched tv together and I announced my plan to walk over to the church and come back and check on Cortney's game.  Sheila requested that I do the later first so she could see the result, so I did.  The stats were incomplete but the score was there.  A 6 point game, but that only tells one part of the story too.  I will find out more about how well she did later on.  (Oh yes, a 6 point win for Cortney's team.)  

My day was pretty normal.  It seemed like the phone rang a lot.  But I didn't really get to the pile on my desk like I've planned on since yesterday.  Tomorrow will have to be the day for that.  Seems like I'm not going to bed as early as I used to.  My church gig does keep me up later, but tomorrow I'll turn over the keys to Brother Lyon for a month.  I wonder if I'll revert back to my early schedule or if I'll find something to keep me up like I have been.  Still considering what to do about Sunday (FHE) and Monday (anniversary).  I find it quite amazing that it is so hard for me (us) to think of something to do.  Nothing particular appeals to us.  We want to enjoy time together but not spend too much energy or money.  Isn't that a pitiful boring picture of 2 older love birds? The most exciting thing that I did today was to read most of the new Ensign, and frankly I did enjoy that.  My life sure does seem different to me now that I have turned 65.  It is good, but certainly different.

We are both in the office.  I gave Sheila a check and she is paying our bills and I am doing this.  I was watching tv, but my interest waned so I did my walk over to the church and back and I will finish this entry and go upstairs to begin my going to bed ritual.  I did feel very blessed to be able to get the month of January finished off, and we should have a little to spare.  It hasn't always been the case for me to pay on time.  I've even been 2 sometimes 3 weeks behind so getting January paid before its complete is a good thing.  I am not ready to predict that this will be the trend for 2012.  I am quite afraid to do that.  But one month down and one month done.  I do hope that it will continue.  It seemed hard for me to get up and going this morning, but I didn't stay in bed very long after Sheila left for work.  I was in the office a little after 7:30 a.m.  And even though I didn't work myself to death I did get a few things done.  I took some time off too and I did have one stretch where I wondered if I was going to be sick again.  But alka-seltzer and some down time plus a couple of naps and I felt good. I did go out and gas up the car when Sheila got back from errands.  Now she won't have to worry in the early am and for the rest of this week.  I do wonder just what the week will bring.  Probably nothing on its own.  But I hope to keep myself busy and productive and hopefully well as well.  I do see simple and little victories every day.  And although I do hope for a few big and bigger ones every now and again any victory will do.  I have to admit that coming off of a Sunday such as yesterday makes it hard to compete.  I can only hope for a similar repeat when Sunday comes again.  Meanwhile my work day simple victories will probably have to do.  I'm still looking for something for our 43rd anniversary next Monday.  Right not I can't even imagine what we will do.  I wonder if life will give us something for that.  Maybe I can imagine it, hope for it, and even prayer for it.  It is a hope for the best and expect whatever happens sort of thing.  It's time for me to reload for I am about shot for this Monday the 30th of Jan., 2012.

I wouldn't mind if another Sunday could follow tomorrow.  I do realize all that needs to come together for it to be Sunday so I know that 2 in a row isn't possible.  It would be better then Monday being a holiday or some kind of a day off.  But for it to actually be another Sunday would be fine with me right now.  I also know that it has to end too, but I have enjoyed it so much that I want to milk it as long as I can.  And my vast experience tells me that I am at the end of my milking limit.  So I graciously except it as being over and I will, indeed, face my Monday when it arrives in several hours.  Until then I don't even want to think about it.  That's not an indictment of Monday, just a statement about my Sunday.  I was able to sit down and watch some good Sunday tv with the wife and that on top of block that I really enjoyed.  Then leftover meatloaf for lunch and a chicken salad for dinner and some peace and quiet made for the rest of a good day.  And speaking of 'rest' I did not even take a nap.  I went home teaching for 15 minutes and had time this morning for a wonderful discussion with my companion (marriage, not home teaching.)  and I expect to see her again before I go to bed.  Whatever the thought about today it is positive.  I felt more used at church today then I have in a long time, and that is a good thing.  I still have 'it' and it is my hope that I can carry in into the work week.  I still don't know why or where, but I am enjoying the journey more then I am capable of and I am preparing to be ready for anything that might come down the road, good or bad.

I guess that everyday is a test to see if I can still feel 'it'.  Today was particularly difficult for me.  I am mostly talking about the BYU game what with tough play, poor shooting, bad reffing and them going down hard to a team that I thought the they should have defeated.  BUT I survived and I still feel positive about my own life and circumstance.  I just expect that for me they would win, but I know that life doesn't really do anything for us.  I learned from the paper this morning that a young lady from our ward who is a star gymnast for BYU pretty much ended her season with an injury at Utah even before she competed, during warm ups.  I felt so badly for her and her family.  It is impossible to go through life and not be affected by the stuff that happens to other people.  Usually the is enough distance that I can pretend, but when is is closer like that it does have an impact.  I know that bad things have happened and I'm sure that they will keep on happening.  The least that it should do to me is cause me to think, the most is to actually cause pain.  That's just the way that life works.  We decided a long time ago that the only real way to live is to be exposed to stuff like that.  You just have to learn how to deal with it.  I find that I feel pain for others probably more then I feel it for myself.  And that is a good thing.  Not an easy thing, but a good thing.  But as I said at the first:  I made it through another day and I still have 'it'.  I'm sure that our going to the temple and doing initiatories helped out my cause quite a bit.  It's hard not to have 'it' there.  Anyway, tomorrow should be a good day to maintain 'it' or even make 'it' better.  So that is what I am going to try to do.

My life continues.  Today was pretty much of the same as yesterday.  I worked.  I got tired.  I tried to be productive.  The first thing that I did when I got into the office was to check to see about Cortney's game from last night.  The last thing we did tonight was to watch it on our computer.  We even replayed her 3 point shots and liked her Jimmer one.  Compared to the one that we saw live this one was pretty tame.  54 to 22 isn't really competitive now is it?  But a win in a win and I need a break now and again.  Its just 10 right now but I am pretty tired.  My long and hard week has piled up on me and I am ready for a week end.  Today is Richard's birthday and we celebrated it as an anniversary for us.  If we can't count it because of Richard I am sure that in 43 years there was something that happened on the 28th of January that we could make into an anniversary celebration.  Anyway we went to the Golden Corral for the 2nd Saturday in a row.  We enjoyed our time together.  Oh, and by the way I still have that 'that' that I had yesterday. I told Sheila that maybe I'm feeling so good because something bad is going to happen.  She said 'no' because she won't let it.  So when I get the mail there is a refund from our house payments from last year for over $700.00.  (Not nearly enough to pay for our 2 floods and our garage door, but a good thing none the less!)  So I hope I continue to enjoy the fruit from the tree of life that is desirable above all others, and I also continue to try and figure out just what it is that is going on in my life.

I've had some really strange feelings lately.  Its been going on for, let's see, since about last Friday.  The funny part is that I can't figure out why I feel like I do, but it is something really good.  I feel this bond to my wife like I have not done before, and I also have this sense of good that I can't explain.  I've been thinking hard on it and I can't seem to find any particularly reason that I should be feeling that much better then I have before.  I mean, life is good, but not that much better then it has been.  And I do feel like I have made some progress in certain areas of my character but nothing particular that I can see doing this to me.  It's certainly a real thing.  I think the right word is 'palpable'.  Yes, I just looked up the definition and it is the right word.  The most interesting thing about it is that it feels like a reward and I don't see anything particular that I would be rewarded for.  Not that kind of a reward.  I surely am not complaining about it.  I would be a fool so to do.  I just am curious about why now, and why me and why anyway. The thing about me feeling this way is that it does put great pressure on me to behave in line with this wonderful feeling.  I find myself wanting to do more and be better at doing it.  I want to find greater strength and simply be a better person.  I need to pay for or pay back for this 'thing' going inside of me.  It's right there in my special feeling place this palpable sense of goodness which can be described with many different positive words like serenity, joy, satisfaction, communion, love and happiness.  I hope I don't chase it away. I do feel like I need to understand it though.  Right now it is a mystery to me, but I will enjoy it while it is here and try to figure out what it is and how to keep it.  I do hope that I can learn enough about it that I will be able to share it, because that is what it seems to be about.  But first I need to be able to understand what and why it is.  Stay tuned.

I have been busier today than I really wanted to be.  And my tomorrow will start much earlier then I would like.  Even now it is almost 11 and I just finished up some work to be ready for my early morning.  However, I know that that four letter word work is a good thing and brings about blessing after blessing.  I also know that there is nothing that can be figured out to get around it.  It is just one of those things that the Serenity Prayer lists in the category of 'things that I cannot change'.  So I do what I have to do and then think about and realize that I am not as picked on as I pretend to be.  I do feel overworked, but I have had times of being under worked and I have to admit the being overworked is better.  I'd like to be able to take the time to watch Cortney's game from last night, but that will just have to wait.  Maybe later tomorrow I will have some discretionary time, but right now I have to get up early enough to meet Marv at 7:30 and then get stuff ready for Richard and Jim and then Charles and possibly Stan if he ever gets better.  I am used to a certain amount of down time in a day, and it throws me off a bit when I don't get it.  But I also know that a day with too much down time isn't good either.  But you know the saying:  'the hurrierder I go the behinder I get'.  Even at my age I am still trying to learn how to pace myself.  Being our of sorts with your own day is a sensation that I do not particularly like, but its better then being sick like I was for the past 2 months and definitely better then my bursitis several months back.  So I'll take busy, overwhelmed, out of sorts with myself and living in a world that seems to overlook me because of the perks.  And because I am curious to see how this journey of mine is going to end and, of course, the journey itself while it is still going on, and on and on.

Just got back home from Ogden and I was able to find the results of Cortney's game on the internet.  The head line was a 48 to 45 win on a last second shot by Bonneville.  It was a lot more thrilling in person.  It was the end of another very good day for me.  Even better with Sheila there shaking off our jinx thing and really enjoying watching our grand daughter play.  Her 2nd best 11 points really helped keep them in the game and all of us there agreed that she had played a great game.  Sure she made some clunky mistakes, one in the last minute or so.  But because of her 5 free throws in the last few minutes the other team's 3-pointer could only tie the score setting up for the miracle 3-point buzzer beater.  The head lines tomorrow read 'the Bonneville Bank was open late'.  We had drive up early and stopped and had an Arctic Circle meal that we both enjoyed very much.  We got there plenty early, but we don't know when Cortney knew that we were there.  Sheila didn't want me to holler at her.  She said that she'd be nervous is she saw us.  Sherri and Russ didn't think so.  Her 1st half was good what with her controlling the tempo and running the team.  The 2nd half got very intense. I could hear the other fans. yelling for them to get Cortney.  I know that they had 2 senior guards that they used on her with the intent to stop her, but they didn't.  Slower her a bit a couple of times and then there was that 'clunker', but as I told her:  she won more of the battles against more experienced players, and helped put her team in a position to win the war.  It was a real old fashioned 'barn burner'.  (I wonder if anyone still talks like that!)  Now I'm pretty worn out from the game and the long drive.  But I'm also riding high because of the great pleasure that I took on my date night with my sweetheart.

Sheila lost a bet because of me.  Last night she was talking to Kathy and said that she didn't think that I would get our garage door fixed without her nagging me. Well, I didn't speak of it to her, but I did make the phone call that I promised.  It even took a call back because the friend that I said could help us did not call me back.  So I called again and arranged a visit, and tonight just before we left to go to Linzi's 17th birthday party we forked out hard earned money (earned by Sheila) to pay for the door which had been fixed and was working.  At the gathering she did admit the error of not believing in me.  And I was proud to have of myself.  In fact, I felt real good about me and my whole day.  I worked well, read a couple of articles in the Ensign did a lot of lesser tasks and made headway on my 'pile'.  Then, to hold my newest grandson, and spend some time with most of the family as well as being able to see what is likely in Sharon's future made for a very nice day.  There's something more to the way that I feel, but I'm not quite sure right now what it is.  I'll consider that tonight and tomorrow and maybe have and answer tomorrow night.  Maybe it is just because we were able park the car in the garage and Sheila won't have to scrape the windows in the morning when she gets up early and is off to work.  Whatever the reason I feel right now and will express later in my own prayer my gratitude for today.  I just feel good.  And I'll take that any time that I can.

Things never turn out the way that you imagine.  I have come to know that that is true.  I guess in a way they can't because our imagination can never equal reality, and we can never imagine all of the variables that go into reality.  Besides our imagination is biased and should not 'come true' in just the way we see things.  I do think that being close would be nice sometimes, but if I really thought about it I need to see what comes about and accept it when it comes.  I need to learn how to not imagine and learn how to deal with the real world that I live in.  That being said I do know that what I see in my head can influence what does happen.  I see that my attitude especially does shape the reality of my world.  If I am positive and happy my world is affected that way.  If I am negative and grumpy my world reflects that too.  That make one attribute of mine kind of hard to deal with.  I have often said that I was a 'contrary', which is the case sometimes, but I know that I do examine what I see, hear and feel, and I make judgements accordingly.  When a speaker in church is not very good I try to get out of it what I can, but I don't see it as something that it isn't.  When a teacher goes outside of the boundaries of the guidelines we have been given I do the same.  Frankly, today's ward conference was filled with examples of both of those behaviors.   I did 'glean' something from all of them, but they are what they are, and I find it disappointing because if I can see it it is simple and if it is so simple it can be done better.  When the Lord says that he uses small and simple things to do great work I have to agree.  Great things come out, but they could be so much greater.  All I can do is notice, learn from what I observe and use it to make me better and anyone else who will listen when the time is right and the motives are pure.   I have thought many times that I ought to just let it go, to not see things according to some standard and just let them do what they will, but I can't.  I don't make much noise about it, but I can't help but to see it.  It seems a heavy burden, but if it can help me to be better in my own stewardship then so be it.  It is no greater burden then bearing the fact that I know the truth of things.  One has to learn how to handle that too.  In this world having the truth can be a great blessing, but it needs to be handled well.  So that other 'thing'  simply makes for good practice.

I wonder if I settle too much and too easily.  Or am I just a realist with years of experience and I know my way around a day and know that I can't do it all at one sitting.  I'm not sure if I trust my own judgement, but I have no one else to make that judgement call for me.  I do have 

Sheila, but its not really fair to put that on her.  So I have to go with my best judgement and sometimes I figure yes, and sometimes I figure no.  As for today, I did okay, but of course, it could have been more.  I could go without my BYU games, but no, I can't do that.  I could spend all day reading scriptures, but no, I believe that balance is part of the commandment.  I certainly have narrowed my focus over the years, but I still try to do it 'all', meaning 'all' that is within those narrowed parameters.  This past week I had to leave some of my work to do the pressing stuff.  I had high hopes that today would be good for catching up, but that really didn't happen either, because enough of the 'pressing' work showed up and had to be dealt with.  I got Monday worked out.  And I got up to date on my weekly books as well as my current billings ready to be off to Sharon.  I did what needed for today, but still my 'pile' that I put off this past week to today is still put off to Monday.  By then it will be much more time sensitive, so I have put myself if a must do situation for Monday.  So I'll do Sunday and them be refreshed and strong and ready to put in the time Monday that will be required.  That sounds like a sound plan to me.  So now at almost 10 I will settle for the day that I have had.  Can't change it anyway.  And I'll

just keep on keeping on.  Hoping for the best and accepting whatever I end up with and repent when needed and rejoice when appropriate.

I believe that there is no contest, game or competition or any activity that compares people or performance that isn't arbitrary or biased or unfair in some way or another.  I am talking about this world, of course, and even though many times these things are judged by some machine which is impartial there is always room for some kind of human error or interpretation of data or event and humans are incapable of not being subject to some kind of mistake or other.  We settle for the results because they are the best we can do in a human system.  But the way that we crown champions and rank performance and dole out awards simply is not perfect.  I guess that is one reason why we keep doing it year after year.  

 

In the spiritual realm and the quest for what we call perfection things function under a different set of criteria.  The competition is not between individuals, but with oneself.  And ultimately what one might call winning is simply the result of the effort over time.  No one will measure it.  It will just be what it is.  There will be no unfairness, no bias, no injury or mistake that will disqualify.  There is ample opportunity for restarts, missteps and mistakes.  What one finally and ultimately becomes is what it is.  But there is a time limit to the process, a day of probation as it is called.  When time runs out the judgement will take place and we will be left without excuse.  What we are then is what we have become all by ourselves.  (No one is ever really alone, but responsibility does start and end somewhere.)  No excuses, no do overs, no compromises and only strict, fair mercy and justice.  Kinda makes right now more important doesn't it? 

Thank you Cortney.  You salvaged my day.  I sat through 2 ball games that were painful.  The Y played so badly.  Then I stayed up late hoping that the Jazz would pull it off.  But in the end they came up short.  Then I remembered that Cortney played tonight and it was probably late enough that the result would be posted.  I first say by the score that Bonneville won the game 55 to 46.  Then I pulled up the stats and I was impressed as I have been before.  My gal had herself a game:  9 points 8 rebounds 6 assists and 3 steals.  You made me forget (almost) about the other games.  I look forward to watching the game.  It warms this old grumpa's heart to see my grand daughter do so well.  I will sleep better tonight because of it.

It has been quite a hectic day for me.  It seems like virtually every task came with pressure.  I was working under deadlines trying to finish this and then that and beat the deadline.  I like to be able to relax and just work without worrying about hurrying.  Today I could not do that much.  Everything had to get done before something else and I was constantly under pressure.  But I did make it through.  My day wasn't a work of art, but it was a work in progress. Now things should relax a bit with the weekend coming.  As for right now I figure that my wife has probably gone to bed.  That's not normal because I usually give in before she does.  But I just sat there pulling for the Jazz to pull me up.  Didn't happen.  But Cortney did.  I end my day on a good note and should sleep better tonight because of it.  Again, thank you sweet Cortney.

We actually found 2 hour television shows that we watched together!  That hasn't happened in a long time.  We have joked that if someone were to see us go through our days they might think that we don't like each other.  We actually spend most of our down time in different rooms.  She stays upstairs and watches her shows and I stay downstairs to watch mine.  That way she is close to the kitchen where she does most of her work and I am in my office so I can dabble in my work a bit as well.  Tonight I dabbled from 7-8 getting some final things finished so I would be ready for Marv when he comes at 7:30 in the a.m..  Then we had 2 hours together watching ROYAL PAINS and POIROT.  She went back upstairs and I did my church calling and now I'm back and finishing off my day.  I was able to stay busy most all of the day.  When I took a break it wasn't because I didn't have work.  I'd say that I only got about 1/2 way through.  I am looking to tomorrow to be productive too.  We were supposed to get this big snow storm today.  The weather is cold and blustery and there was a little rain, but so far our own local weather hasn't lived up to the hype.  But we have 2 more days of potential so we'll see what happens.  I've now gone through 2 full days without and sore throat.  My nose still runs so I take a pill, but I am almost back to total well being (at least as far back as my 65 years will allow me to be).  I have now gone 2 days without a shower.  My last shower was Monday afternoon before we went to work at the Draper Temple.  (clean up crew)  I've actually felt pretty good, but tomorrow morning should be shower time for me if I can get up in time to do it before Marv's arrival time.  Sheila has one more work day this week.  All week she's been fixing the main dish for the student lunches.  Tomorrow it's teri yaki beef, I think. Robert is to come tomorrow afternoon and finish fixing our garage door.  He said that the store replaced the part that broke.  It will be nice to be able to park in the garage again, especially if the snow comes the way if it is forecast.  I guess I will survive winter.  It certainly isn't my favorite season, but it will make it easier to appreciate Spring when it finally comes in another couple of months. 

I just watched the weather forecast for tomorrow.  It is likely that my day and even my week will be affected by a big snow storm. That is something that I have absolutely no control over, so I can't fret over it.  I can only do my work and know that eventually we can get some papers served.  If it gets real bad I don't want any of my 'people' out in a dangerous circumstance.  Funny though.  I finally got my surge of new papers today.  So I will have plenty to do whether I am able to send them out tomorrow or not.  In a way it takes the pressure off, and in another way it puts pressure on.  So I will just keep busy and do what I can do.  I guess I am pretty used to this routine.  Nothing much has changed in decades.  And even though there is an ebb and flow in my life I have seen it all so I just am able to take each day as it comes.  In fact, it will be better for me tomorrow I will have more work then I can get done so I will be so busy that I won't have time for much else.  I like that even though I am good at complaining about that too.  I need a big drink of water so I am going to go up and fix me a bottle of Crystal Light (lemonade) and enjoy it while I am finishing off my night time pre-sleep routine.  I may sit up with Sheila for a while too.  She is watching a movie on BYUtv that I can handle.  I watched the Jazz game while doing an hour on my recumbent bike while Sheila was entertaining Relief Society visitors.  Its our ward conference this coming Sunday and the ward and stake split up for visits on the Tuesday.  I don't know why they would pick Sheila for a visit.  Maybe they know something that I don't know about my renegade wife.  Course I believe that she was able to minister to them as much as they to her.  I know she does that for me.  I can't express all the good stuff that she does for me.  All that and she can cook too!

I told Sheila about something that happened to me this morning and she said that that was what I needed to write about tonight.  I have spent all day thinking about it and even though I am sure that it did happen the way that I said that it did I was having difficulty believing that it did happen.  I need to set it up a bit.  Yesterday when I read my chapter morning and night I decided to repeat 1 Nephi 8 because of the scheduled Sunday School lesson for yesterday.  That is the chapter telling about the 'tree of life'.  I read it yesterday morning and again last night.  I also real it maybe a week ago, and each time I see that Lehi had this dream.  I tell myself that I don't have that happen to me.  I do feel like I have spiritual experiences, but everyone else's seems better then mine.

Anyway this morning when I first got up I heard what I thought was the pump making strange noises.  So I went outside to check and found that the water level was way down and it badly needed more water in the pond.  So, despite, snow and wind and cold I hooked up the hose and ran water until the level was safe.  When I said my morning prayer I asked that I be able to discern spiritual things as normally as I had discerned that mechanical need.  I continued my day but a short time after I got into the office a strange thing happened.  I had the church news from Saturday on my desk.  The back page was visible to me and I glanced and read the heading on a story and I saw "Seek...and ye shall find--Me".  That thought was an epiphany and seemed an important flash of a truth that hit me and seemed to fit in an important place in my heart.  I decided to read the article, but when I did the heading read 'Seek...and ye shall find'.   I know what I saw that first glance, and I know that it was meaningful to me.  And I still find it an important idea for me to continue pondering.  But I do not understand what happened.  I am still wondering about it.  But the idea still impacts me when I consider it.  What does it all mean?

Today is the anniversary of Jeremy's birthday.  We seem to have a lot of birthdays in a year, what with kids and grand kids and in and out laws.  I am not very good at remembering them, but Sheila pretty much stays on top of them.  She even tries to remember anniversaries but they tend to slip by without notice until we read about them on Facebook or something.  I do connect 05-05-05 with Robert and Cicily and I do remember my own Feb. 6th as well as my 02-02-02.  But without my wife and my calendar I would be lost.  I do remember my own birthday, but as far as I'm concerned I could get along with out it.  

Today has been best when it was just her and me, together.  Church was okay.  Lots of people with private lives and personal goals who are pretty much wrapped up in themselves and I say that is a good way.  It is the uncommonly good person who has his own act so together that he can reach out to others.  I try to do that a little bit, but not only is it hard for one to reach out to others it is equally hard to allow yourself to be touched by someone else.  I don't think that I am as good with the later as the former.  

I am actually looking forward to another holiday day tomorrow.  I let it slip to Sheila that we might do something.  I did speak without really knowing what I was talking about, but we will see what happens.  I am really liking the time that I spend with her.  My entry from last night she called a 'love letter' and I guess that it was.  I believe that it was not only a statement of truth it was also a declaration of intention.  I hope that things can be even better and I intend to look to that more then in the past.  After all, that IS my future and there's no time like the present to prepare for it.  

 

I know that our life is going to continue to be a challenge, but I am prepared to meet it head on with her at my side.  We can do it.  We will do it.  I don't know how, but I do know with whom.

As I get to me old I take more seriously the time that I have to reflect on things.  It seems to be harder and harder to recall some stuff because I have been accumulating it for so long.  So along with the volume of stuff I do occasionally suffer a brain cramp due to old age.  But one subject that is becoming more and more clear to me is the importance of my relationship with my wonderful wife.  I hesitate to use some of the conventional words because the seem so inadequate in describing it.  We talk about us and have a lot of the same feelings and conclusions.  But it is more indescribable then describable.  Besides, we know that what we say is only valid when it is consistent with what we do.  I am still working on that part by trying to 'do' as well as I might 'say'.  My feeling for my partner have only gotten better and deeper and more in the years since the summer of 1968 when we met.  (re-met)  I am beginning to understand just how much I am impacted by being part of this team.  It is at the heart of who I am, what I want and what lies ahead.  It does bother me when I examine the reality and see how far I am from the way that she deserves that I be.  But at the same time it motivates me and is my 'raison d'ete'.  (That is French for 'reason to be'.)  What I am trying to say in simple terms is that I am so very blessed to be married to my Sheila.  I see that over our almost 42 years we have both grown, me especially, and truly are 'one' in the most special, spiritual and real sense.  And it makes my life one of joy, peace and contentment along with magnificent frustration considering the time, opposition and energy it requires.  I have kidded her and told her that she was 'high maintenance'.  By that I mean that she absolutely deserves everything I can become.  And despite my weaknesses my purpose is to be that for her.  Last week for her anniversary Shelli stole my line when she wrote that her life started when she and Phil were married.  I have been singing that to Sheila since the day that we met and I realized that I had found the 'treasure'.  We may be still fumbling in our efforts to figure out this new stage of life that we are in, but we certainly are committed to do it together.  Yes, Yes I'll write it:  Sheila I love you.

I spent some time today watching the films of Cortney's basketball games.  I got to where I could pick her out and could tell quickly when she wasn't on the court.  I concluded that she is a very skilled player and a major asset to her team.  Of course, I realize that it is a team.  She knows that too.  She plays well with her teammates.  I am happy to see her have this kind of an experience at her age.  She will be able to enjoy this part of her life for many years to come.  May it never go to her head and may she always know the order of things in her life and the things that are really important.  

 

I have kind of coasted through today.  Fridays tend to do that to me.  Or more correctly: I tend to do that to my Fridays.  I did leave some of my time to less important tasks.  Mostly the afternoon, as I had work enough to keep me pretty busy up to about noon.  I don't have all of my energy back, but my throat has been almost painless most of today.  I do need to get more creative about what I do through the day.  And tomorrow and Sunday and then Monday will be a good test for that as Monday is a court holiday.  I always have such good plans in my dreams about how productive I intend to be, but then real time comes along and I don't do as well as I would like.  Maybe I need to follow Hunter's good example and find a good book to read.  (Maybe even better I need to find a good book to write!)

I don't feel very tired right now, and we do have lots of guests upstairs.  (Robert is trying to fix our garage door and his family is here.) (And Shelli's 3 oldest are here for the night.)  Maybe I'll watch another of Cortney's games.  When Sheila and I were watching one together today she said that it was strange to have my L.D.S. Hymns on my computer giving sound to the ball games.  That is a kind of a symbol for me helping to establish that priority that I wrote about above.

 

I got to hold Jonah for awhile.  He decided to fill his pants while I was holding him.  I have always taken that as a compliment that my grand kids would feel at ease enough with me to be natural.  Weird, huh?

 

I hope Robert is successful with his project.  We do appreciate that he would do that for us.  I believe it is representative of all of the kids and how they would help us out in any way that they are able.  I sometimes feel like we aren't much good to them except to babysit now and again for them.  I am really trying to find my proper role for this stage of my life.  I don't feel like I have been successful at doing that yet.  But I am still trying and will keep working on it.

My almost last thing of the day is to sit here and write my journal entry for the day. I have dozens of years of journals in the storage room where they were put by the kids when we had that flood over our Thanksgiving trip to Arizona.  My plan is to get some kind of new furniture to put them in so they will all be organized in one place.  Right now I am starting my 2nd year of using this blog to do my journal writing.  I don't feel like it gets read very much, but then those stacks of journals from those past years don't get read much either.  I'm sure that we all do some things that we ask ourselves about.  I just do it because I believe that I am supposed to.  I don't have any delusions that it will ever be some big deal.  But I do it to do it.  I judge my days as more successful if I can point to one thing that I did that was not work, and a little bit different.  Today I finally took the time to call Sherri and get the info to bookmark Cortney's basketball film site.  Then Sheila and watched most of her last game.  She had 9 points and 9 assists.  We both groaned 'Cortney' when she clanked those 1st 2 break away lay ups.  (Yes, she did make a couple after that.)

I'm still nursing my sore throat, but I see some progress.  Tonight could be big in getting better. Right now we have the 3 amigos and tomorrow we'll have the 3 of 4 Kaysville Kids.  Shelli said that they wanted to stay overnight at grandma's house.  I've been joking today that Sharon & Johnny are going to Vegas this weekend.  They really are, but not for the reason that I said.  I'm a little jealous.  It would be nice to get out of this cold and relax where the food is so good and plentiful.  Oh well.  I enjoy chilling (being warm) around the old homestead and watching time zoom by.  Besides, anyone who thinks that a commute of more then 13 steps is a hassle can pass on another road trip of several hours.  

I don't generally have favorites or 'best' of anything, but tomorrow is Friday the 13th and I have always liked that.  It is part of my 'contrary' nature.  If others say it is bad I figure I will call it good.  So tomorrow is a good day.  I should say 'will be' or should I just hope that it will be.  Maybe I'll just hope that it doesn't turn bad and I can get better.  I'd settle for that.

I can't decide whether to stay up later or go to bed.  It's almost 10 and I really don't know what I will do.  Talk about free agency.  One thing that I am not free to do is to be totally free of this sore throat.  I don't know whether the fact that it is on the other side of my throat is a good thing of a bad thing.  I did have maybe 2 days when I had no pain, but then this thing snuck up and bit me again.  It is about the only bad thing except for the cold, cold weather.  I find that I just don't like winter weather now that I am older.  That old age should be a factor in my decision about bed or not.  I don't mind it at all:  sleep that is.  In fact, I know that I don't sleep all the time and I do enjoy the time I am able to think, and dream and review and plan and consider.  And I do all of that most every night.  I never fret about not being able to sleep.  In fact, one of my favorite things is to sit up in the blue glow of our clock in the dark of the night and just think.  My days don't give me a lot of time for that so when it comes in the night I try to take advantage of it.  I try not to fret over problems or negative things.  I may even day dream a little bit.  But I find it refreshing to ponder on truths and my life and future.  I do enjoy life a little better during the Spring, Summer and Fall, but I can't change the weather.  But being home, resting and being warm and exploring the world inside my head is something that I am good at and enjoy as much as most anything else.  I do wonder if I am getting any closer to really understanding who I am. I think so, and that makes it all the more satisfying.  I try to do it all with the frame of reference of an eternal being in a mortal experience rather than a mortal being in an eternal experience.  Those two concepts are really very different.  Try it and see if it does anything for you.  It does tend to create some very interesting questions.

It was 12:16 when I got into bed last night. I didn't even think about the payback for going to bed so late until I woke up at 8:05 having fallen back to sleep after turning off Sheila's alarm at 6.  She told me later that she had said good bye to me, but I did not respond.  That extra hour did help compensate for the late hour, but it also required something out of the rest on the day as well.  And now at just past 10 I feel the need to pay a little bit more to that sleep account.  Hopefully by tomorrow morning I will wake up to an even account and be energized for the new day of work.  I did get quite a bit done today despite being a little sleepy.  And I have high hopes that I can accomplish some 'outside' tasks with time that I should have tomorrow.  I am pretty well caught up on my normal work, but if I am creative there is always something that I can think of that would help the total picture.  I do need to get to the office supply store and tomorrow will be good for that.  We have ideas about the basement and there is always 'spring' (new year) office-keeping that can be done.  For sure my office could use a good cleaning and sorting and the like.  So it is just a matter of finding enough energy and enough good thinking to be successful in that area.  I showered late after 5 tonight for out FHE dinner group.  and now my throat is demanded some more medication.  I am fast running out of energy which first breaks down in my little gray cells and thinking department.  No thinking, no ideas, nothing to write--blank mind blank stares blank paper.  So it is good to close January 10th and start all over again tomorrow.   I know that I can do better, but that will have to wait until at least then.  I have had 2 pretty good days now, so it makes it a possibility that I might just do better sooner rather then later.

Wow! It's 11:31.  I really stayed up past my bedtime.  That is pretty unusual for me.  I have this thing that when I am away doing something for the evening and get home after being away I feel like I have missed out on something so I make up for it by staying up late.  Tonight we were at John and Lora's for dinner with that old relief society group and husbands and didn't get home until after 9:30.  I turned into my make up for lost time mode and found a Steven Segal movie and it just got over.  I believe that my wonderful wife probably got tired of waiting for me and has gone to bed.  After all, she has to get up at 6.  We have another dinner to go to tomorrow night.  But I am looking forward to just working in my office all day.  I enjoyed today's work as much as I have enjoyed any day in a long time.  I didn't start out that way so I forced myself to do some real basic tasks and worked myself into a 'zone' and kept going doing stuff and I was actually very productive.  I also felt quite a bit better physically as well.  I am still bothered with a sore throat.  Now its on the other side and I will need to take some alka-seltzer when I finish here in hopes of making for a good night's sleep.  Funny, Sheila gags by just thinking about alka-seltzer and I find it the best thing for me to use right now.  It will take me several minutes to do all of my end of day ritual so I probably won't get to bed until just after 12, but I really don't feel that tired.  Maybe I'm just feeling a bit pumped up from our evening out.  So I expect that I will crash here soon and feel the need for sleep when my body recognizes that it is so much past my bed time.  I just realized that after tomorrow it'll be 1/3 of the month.  E-gad.  The new year just started!  The longer I keep at this the sorer my throat gets and the more tired I realize I am, so good night and Happy New Year.

It never seems to be enough.  I was able to sleep in this morning, but I would have liked more.  I do that all the time.  I get and have, but I want more.  I wish I was younger, lighter, smarter, stronger and better, but I have to settle for what is.  I usually do, but every once in a while I get in that kind of a mood that I want more.  I need to learn how to want what I have, rather then worrying about having what I want.  And so if I just change my attitude I see my day as a pretty good day.  It was nice to not have to get up at 6 or 7.  It was nice to sit for over an hour just talking with my best friend.  We also spent some time after church reading an article from the Ensign about marriage together.  So I have enjoyed today.

 But there are a few things that I would have changed along the way if I could.  I feel like I am in quorum meeting with a bunch of, how can I say this and be kind and still be truthful?  They are all good men, but most seem to sleep through the lesson.  I wish that I could sit through the time and not talk, but that is  not me.  I have learned over many, many years that that is not me.  I even try to read the lesson before and I just have to participate.  I wonder what is wrong with me.  I have been in this ward for 16 years and I know these guys pretty well.  And some of them just don't seem to take the gospel seriously.  It's like they are making fun of one of my children.  And it really bothers me.  Sometimes I'd just like to pack up and leave, but I know the silliness of that.  But why are they that way?  And why am I the way that I am?  Am I being too judgmental?  What should I do to deal with.  It gets real old to deal with the same juvenile behavior week after week.  Now I do know that most are wonderful, good and dedicated folks who, I believe, really love the gospel.  But the behavior often tells a contrary story.  I don't believe that I am supposed to change the way I try to live.  I've dealt with that for way too long to not feel that I have to be me.  Most of the things that they talk about I actually do, like journal writing, everyday (twice a day) scripture study, and everyday prayer ( and my 4 years plus of push ups) so I  think that I am genuine.  The gospel and my family is the most important thing for me.  So is it wrong for me to be just a little offended by that less then desirable behavior that I see week after week.  Just what am I do do?

I am faced with an interesting dilemma.  Here it is, Saturday night approaching 9 pm. It is the 2nd week of our new 11 am church schedule, but no choir practice on this one Sunday.  So I could sleep in more so then normal.  That means I could stay up late and watch the Jazz or something else on tv.  But I am feeling my age and figure on going to bed at my normal time.  It makes me wonder if I am missing out on something, but I guess I am just getting old and boring. I also am not quite recovered from my several weeks of cold, cough and sore throat so I figure that I need my rest for that too.  If I try to think like I did when I was a teenager I would figure on staying up way late just because I could.  But even though I can I really can't.  

I just listened to the priesthood lesson on LDS.org for tomorrow and it kind of goes against my recent ideas.  It talks about examining oneself and then trying to do better.  I have been thinking about doing the examining, but then do less better.  Maybe it is the same thing.  No one can do everything.  So deciding what is the important stuff to be done is a major part of it all.  Then all of us need to try and be better at what we want to do.  So for today I did not do everything I thought of doing.  But I did do something.  So counting the 'Star Fish Principle' I did make a difference to myself in something, even though it wasn't all that I might have done.

I know that I wrote once before that I was finally better.  So this time I will not write that.  I can't because I still have, maybe a 2 % sore in my throat.  But I really believe that I am near victory.  I know that it does come and go, so I expect that it may hang around still.  But I felt really good today, and we did venture out for several hours and it was good to do so.  However, I did tell Sheila that I was glad to get back home because driving in our little car and being downtown in the crowds got me a bit claustrophobic.  I don't remember that ever happening before, but today I was anxious to relax and be able to be in our spacious home and 'feel free to move about the cabin'.  It is getting near the end of my day as well as the end of my energy.  I know that last night I wrote about learning that I can't do everything. Well, I am having a hard time living that.  I want to do it all, and even though I know that it is impossible I keep trying to figure out a way to do it better.  So settle down hombre and let it go.  I just can't do it all.  But what can I do?  There is the harder question.  What do I include in all of my excluding?  Take tomorrow as an example. It is the weekend.  My work shouldn't play much of a role.  So how do I spend my time?  A BYU ball game at 4.  The post office around 10.  What will Saturday bring?  I am pretty good at imagining stuff that seems productive and beneficial, but then I just settle for sitting around and watching TV.
Can I do better?  And how do I do it if I can do it?  We shall see.

Progress feels good.  Not just progress with my sore throat, but progress with work.  The holiday feel is beginning to rub off and I feel better just working.  Maybe the year will just settle down and be a solid, normal working year.  I can deal with that.  I think that I know how to work, although sometimes I start to wonder.  Right now I need to take my alka-seltzer because my throat is starting to hurt, but for the most part it hasn't been too much of a bother today.  Finally, something has actually helped it feel better and I am expecting it to do it one more time.  I worked hard through the day and then when 5pm came I took time off to watch basketball.  The 2 I was really interested in were the 2 BYU games.  The women and the men both won and it was a good few hours.  Then I flashed back and forth with some NBA games trying to see Jimmer play.  He hasn't been brilliant yet, in fact, this new level of play seems to bewilder him some.  But then, that is to be expected.  It happens to all of us when we are put in a new and more challenging situation then we are used to.  New stuff requires some time to adjust.  We all go through it throughout our lives.  I don't see it much at my age, but it still happens.  I like it when it does.  It tends to nourish my perspective.  Learning can never be a bad thing.  I did learn why I am able to see those NBA games.  They keep advertising their 'package' and I wondered if by mistake I was getting it.  But, no.  Just a free preview that ends after Sunday.  No more Jimmer.  Oh well.  I don't have that kind of interest anymore.  (I don't have that kind of energy anymore, either.)  Besides, there is enough ball on tv for me, and BYU is the only one that I really want to watch.  My 1st week of 2012 is near over.  Already the speed of life continues.  I hope I haven't messed the new year up too badly yet.  There seems to be lots and lots ahead.  I finally understand that there is just too much for me to do.  I have to choose what to do and what to leave.  I can only do what I can do.  I intend to try and become a better decision maker.  Narrow the focus.  That is the plan.  Limit the options.  I need to decide what it is that I want to be when I grow up and eliminate most of it.  Time just doesn't allow for everything.

We just can't seem to win.  Actually that's not true, because we 'win' plenty and are very blessed, but it is the thing to say after today.  Right now the fans are running again, and our basement toilet is no more.  It pulled something on us and flooded even though it was turned off.  It was very disappointing and had Sheila running around uttering words that I don't hear from her.  (like shoot and darn and maybe a heck or two)  We believe that we have the source figured out but we just can't figure out how it did it.  We were told by our new plumber (Sheila's cousin, Randy) that he has seen it happen before and that the toilets in our house are pretty much the bottom of the line.  Now we figure we need to replace the other two along with the water heater and the water softener.  It sure seems to be piling up on us.  Oh yeah, my throat is still there, but I have found the thing that makes it better, at least better then anything else: my old stand by, alka-seltzer.  I am going to take that along with a glass of emergen-c in just a few minutes.  I hope it will give me as good a night as I had last night.  And sooner or later my sore throat is going to get better.  I miss the weeks when I went to bed earlier.  My new schedule because of my church calling is putting extra strain on me, and I wish for it to change.  Maybe someday it will, but for now I'll just do what I can and make the best of the situation.  I know that we all have something that we could complain about, but what's the use.  There is better use of what little energy I have.  For one, counting my blessings instead of my problems.  Makes sense doesn't it?  I won't work my way through my 'overwhelmingness' by worrying about stuff that can't be helped.  All I can do is my best in the situation that is.   And hope and pray that I can get through it all.

I am going to try something drastic tonight.  I still have on pill left over from when I had my bursitis attack and I am going to take it just before I go to bed.  I hope it will work as the other things have only helped a little and it actually feels sorer then it did.  I'd like to be able to say that I worked my way through it today, but I didn't.  I wimped out and took lots of sick time because it felt better to not work then it did to work.  I also developed a real sore left wrist.  It is quite strange though because 1- I can't remember doing anything that might have caused it and 2- I am still able to do my push ups and not feel any pain at all.  So you should conclude that my day wasn't as productive as I would have liked it to be.  Its been okay, but the holiday slow down has affected this week more then it did last week.  Or at least so far.  I can still hope that tomorrow will see improvement.  It is hard for me to get back into the routine of that church calling which has me walk over to check and lock up the building.  If not for that I would probably been in bed a while ago.  I have to think hard to stretch my new motto to cover that.  I know it is a good thing to fulfill a calling, but my pride makes it a bit hard to accept this one.  Maybe that's why I got it.  So I need to 'get it' and just do what I have been asked to do.  The day hasn't been a total waste of time.  I did get my new year journal stared, and I took care of a few tasks.  I even did some of the office work.  I just did that in between naps and resting to try and treat my throat with the hopes of convincing it to get better.   I am having enough trouble liking this cold winter weather, but the sore throat makes it so much harder.  The cold (both meanings of the word) I can deal with.  Pain, well that is harder for me.  Hence, 'the pill' and hope to see you in the morning. 

I did get back into the mood of working.  I didn't get everything that I wanted to do done.  But I did do a lot.  Of course I was limited because it was a holiday with no new stuff and I only had one guy go out to serve.  I mostly worked on tomorrow for Richard and then I did my year end books that I have been thinking about for the last week.  Now I am anxious to get the work moving and although I have enough work to start tomorrow I depend on new work coming in starting tomorrow.  Sheila and I still have lots of tasks on our list.  If I think about it and have some time I have plenty of tasks there that I really need to finish.  One of my big disappointments of today was that I got my sore throat back and worse then it has been.  I asked Sheila to go to the store for me and she did and bought me some really terrible tasting things that have done me some good,  but not enough that I worry any less that I might eventually have to go to the doctor for some 'real' medicine.  I don't believe that it is strep (Shelli doesn't either), but I do know that it has hung around way too long.  Tonight could really be miserable.  Sheila did go back to work this morning.  I wasn't ready to get up when the alarm went off at 6.  I did make it into the office by 8 though.  I am still trying to figure out my plan for 2012.  I have given up trying to use some thing that rhythms but I have come up with my theme:

'This' some how and in some way did make a difference to someone, some where at some time and in a real way.  'This' needs to be respected.   I showed it to Sheila and she understood what I was trying to say. I guess I actually have rubbed off on her some in these almost 42 years.  Now I have to get my sickly, old body up to bed and I hope that the alka-seltzer that Sheila also bought will help me to sleep some and that the sleep will help be get better so that I will feel better tomorrow.  I am getting so tired of being sick!!!

Well, the 1st day of the new year has pretty much gone now.  I'd like to write that it was a perfect day and that I started the new year off with a bang.  But I can't.  I didn't mess it up too badly, but I'd have to give it a 5 maybe a 6.  And because it was a Sunday maybe even less because I didn't do all Sunday stuff.  I did enjoy the extra time in the morning that the 11 am schedule allows, but when I was at church I was disappointed that I felt worse cold-wise than I had yesterday, and then later in the day my sore throat which had been gone for the better part of 2 days came back.  I am going to load up on stuff :emerigen C and decongestant and ibuprofan and then have Sheila put 'the oils' on me before I go to sleep. I was finally able to spend two hours with my wife watching something for the 2 of us.  But earlier we both nodded off on this day of rest and recuperation for yesterday.  Thankfully one mediocre day does not a new year ruin (or make for that matter) so I still have the opportunity to get productive and tomorrow is an excellent opportunity. It is enough of a holiday to take the pressure off, yet enough of a work day that I can apply myself and get something done.  The two of us are still reliving out family Saturday.  We hope that it was as good for the rest of you as it was for us.  As I wrote last night I am feeling quite overwhelmed about the new year.  What I know is coming is quite enough and what I have now idea about makes it intriguingly overwhelming.  Either way I look to the 'h' in my push up motto (and yes, I did 49 this morning and will do another 49 within the hour) and will ask for 'help' from any and all sources available to me.  I know that for me to have a successful 2012 I will need lots and lots of help.  You might ask yourself what you can do for your  county--grumpa.  So I look to tomorrow as the 1st day in the rest of my life and wish each one of you well and a happy new year.