There's not much that surprises me anymore.  I have pretty much seen it all.  I remember back when I was officiating basketball and softball and I had been doing both for a number of years I would go out and feel real confident knowing that I had experienced most everything and felt capable even if something new came up.  I feel that way about my life in this my 65th year.  But I do know that even though I believe that I can handle most anything I know that there are lots of things that could happen that I would not enjoy, in fact, I hope to  not experience lots of stuff that I consider painful and nasty.  I see it happening to others and I feel for them, and feel blessed that it isn't happening to me (us).  But I know that it might.  You never know just what life can bring.  I know that I dream of things that are good and I would like it if they happened in my life, but I don't spend much time thinking about bad things that could happen.  I know that bad things will happen and I hope I can handle them appropriately and based on the experience that I mentioned I figure that I will, but the unknown is just that, unknown.  I guess that I have turned pretty conservative in my life.  I don't get out much, and I really don't desire to get out and do a lot of stuff.  I just go along from day to day in my own little world.  Sometimes I hope for that big and special event, but so far it hasn't shown up so I figure that I am going to be okay if it doesn't happen.  No surprises may be a bit boring, but as long as there are no bad surprises I guess I'll keep on dealing with the boring little good surprises that make  up this little life of mine.

I've felt quite overwhelmed today.  I found out about a couple of sites that I will have to read in order to keep up on Nicholas and my brother Doug.  I read both today and I hope that I can sort of keep up with each of their adventures: Nicholas' college and Doug's mission.  As much as I enjoy sharing in what they are doing it gives me much to think about, especially with Doug doing something that I would so much like to do.  I'm not really jealous of him, because I accept the fact that he is there and I'm alright here, but what he is doing would be so wonderful.  I do realize that reading about it doesn't come with the tired feet and the sore back, and the extreme pain of sending one home because of an 'obedience problem'.  But I can't help but day dream a little bit.  Nicholas' is not possible for me, Doug's is just not probable.  But I can still imagine about that possibility.  Those 2 things weren't all that I did today.  I put in a healthy work day, and I got a lot done.  I count my day as successful because I was able to close out last week and pay me some money, and my earnings for today weren't bad.  I will do the actual figuring in the morning.  The other night I wrote about the possible things what could go wrong that would cost us some money.  Well, the pump stopped today so now I hope the fish stay alive long enough to get a new and expensive one installed.  The other things I wrote about are no 'ifs' but 'whens'.  I'll just have to watch and see how all of that goes.

I think that most of us believe that nearly everyone else has their life all together and also has everything figured out. It seems a natural thing to believe that.  I have found out after many long years of observing my fellow human beings that that is not true.  Most people do not have everything figured out.  In fact, they all run around in confusion and live their lives pretty much the same way that I do:  confused, dazed and most often in some kind of  haze. Sure there are many who appear to 'have their act together'.  And probably a lot do in a lot of different ways.  But I figure that no matter how 'together' they are there is some part of their life that gets away from them on occasion.  This life is just too complicated to not cause confusion and disarray. After all,  I believe that that is what it is designed to do.  We learn that taking on the whole world is really not a good thing.  It is better to just take on ourselves, or that part of ourselves that opposes us and then hope that we can do a little bit more that can help others and generally make a contribution to the greater good if we have anything left over.  You still win if you make it and have a few close ones with you.  You don't have to save everybody nor is that possible or expected of you.  Just do the best that you can do and encourage others to do the same and then leave them to do what they can, and you do what you can.  I have taken great strength in recent months in realizing just how many great, competent and wonderfully strong 'brothers and sisters' are out there struggling along just as I am.  And I am confident that together (and with Father's help) we WILL get the job done.

Can't complain too much about my Sunday.  It went pretty much that way that I wanted it to go.  I even had time to take a nap and I got most of  my home teaching done and I enjoyed teaching my lesson in High Priests Quorum.  But that brings to mind something that I have noticed over the last several months about my teaching.  I have done it for a long, long time.  It even goes way back past my memory, but most of the years that I do remember were with the High Priests, and it has always been something that was really important to me.  For years I fretted over it and it was the cause of some neat highs, as well as some lows when I fretted enough to make myself sick.  This last stint has been different.  I can't really explain how it is different, but I feel more detached from it in one way and more involved in it in another way.  I worry about how it is perceived and yet I figure that I don't have to please anyone but myself.  I hope that 'they' learn something, but I find that I am learning from the experience more then ever before and I am learning to make that my criteria.  It is such a personal thing because of the way I put myself into every lesson, and yet that detached thing that I wrote is there too.  It seems to be like my whole life is becoming now:  a quandary, a big question, a mystery.  The  more I learn the more I know that I don't know--like I'm a very smart dummy.  It is a weird thing that seems to be happening to me as I sit and watch my life go on before my eyes, not as much as something that I do, but as something that I see.  Am I crazy?

Sometimes there are things that you really don't want to do but you do them anyway because they are really the right things to do.  You do them for your wife or for your family or simply because they need to be done for reasons that are higher then yourself.  Then when you do them you find that they are tolerable, even enjoyable, and often they end up being some of those life important events that give good vibes over and over again as your life continues.  Family Reunions are some of those kinds of things.  I know that they just have to be honored and I know that there is good food too, but in the end they do give back good things that can make you feel good for having gone.  Such was today.  I like to not have a schedule.  If my work presses me I like it to be without hard deadlines and always with time to be leisurely at getting the task finished, and I prefer it to be tomorrow that needs to be planned rather then today.  But life doesn't do it that way.  It has its own way, and more often then not 'it' requires my allegiance rather then me demanding 'it' to follow my needs.  Knowing that is the first part of wisdom, but accepting that is graduate work.  So today part of my life was dictated to me.  I was smart enough to go along with it, and in the end it really wasn't all that bad, in fact, it was exactly what I want when I'm seeing things the way that they really are rather then the way that I would like them to be.  Sometimes it is just better to 'go with the flow' and not try to over think things.

I feel like I have paced myself today.  I was up early and to work around 6:30 a.m. but I did take some breaks and work and break and then more work.  But right now (its 10 pm) I am exhausted and I have seriously considered just going to bed.  But 'there's too much to gain to lose' so I will follow through with everything that I do at the end of each day.  I ended up with more work at the end of this day then I had when it started.  So my leisurely Saturday probably won't happen.  I am not complaining I just dream about enough more work that I can afford to pay someone to do my work.  (Right, as if that's going to happen!)  Actually things are really doing better for us then they have in my 2 P I years.  It will be a blessing to see it continue and even get better.  Also, I believe that I have gotten better at that delicate balance between being 'in' the world and not 'of' the world.  As I say that I confess that it is also getting harder to see the difference.  I think that I know what it is, but I also know that the things that I hold onto hard hard to define and harder to get rid of once I see them for what they really are.  What I am describing is that level of growth that becomes harder and harder as one journeys along that path.  It wouldn't be right for it to get easier, but it certainly would be 'easier'.  Time to move on (in more ways then one!).

Am I a snitch if I bring up Brooklyn's Facebook page and get her in trouble for having dirty words on it?  I know that they didn't come from her, but one of her friends certainly writes with a foul mouth.  I also noticed an interesting misspelled word from Brooklyn that was also quite raw in a funny way.  Sheila found it difficult to even read it.  Me, I just kind of shrugged my shoulders and accepted the sad fact that that is the way that the world is.  I'm not happy about it, but 'it is what it is'.  I wonder what Sherri and Russ will say after they read it.  (Which I am sure they will after such a lead in.)

Right now this Thursday seems like a very long day.  We are both trying to get used to a new school schedule too.  For Sheila's work (at the school) the alarm goes off at 6 a. m. and I have been getting up near then too and getting into the office and to work.  This morning I was working near 6:30 so that certainly accounts for the long day that has taken its toll on me.  I am really ready to get to sleep and call this day done.  Right now I am not even trying to think about what tomorrow may bring.  That will come when it comes.  It'll be 5 days of getting used to something and then Saturday will ruin the regimen--(hooray!).  I won't complain too badly though.  But I will try to embrace our weekends more because the work week days have become more demanding, but this coming weekend looks to be as demanding in its way as this work week has been.  I guess that there really is now rest for the weary.

I worked hard pretty much all day long and I still didn't get all of my work done.  Good thing that I prioritize well so everything is prepared for morning and the stuff left can wait until tomorrow.  I may not be the smartest but I have learned a few tricks that help me get along.  I have been following Nicholas' progress throughout the day.  He's settled in at S V U and I just read about his roommate who apparently got there later today.  Nicholas actually called me on the phone a while ago and asked me about a play in the Little League World Series that he was watching back there and I was watching here.  I have been here all day long and did not go anywhere.  Sheila drove herself to her work this morning and then she did the rounds and some errands for her this afternoon.  Looks like I may be here all day again tomorrow.  I haven't decided yet if I will drive her to work in the morning so I can have the car because I haven't decided yet what I will do with Richard which would determine whether or not I will need a car.  I admit that I do get a little antsy being here all the time.  Getting out is good.  Working here is good.  What isn't good is not getting out and not being busy with work or getting out because I have to instead of because I want to.  Every once in a while I am able to see something that helps me feel like I am actually accomplishing something.  One of those things is when I can actually pay me and give Sheila a check that makes ups for the 'red' in her check book and gets us from week to week.  I really wish that that wasn't necessary, but 'it is what it is' and I am just happy that we are able to make our way with a lot of help from various sources.  When I take time to really think about it all I am able to realize just how incredibly blessed we are!!!

Today has drastically changed my week.  I knew that there would be some new work come in, but when Richard finally arrived it was even better then I had supposed.  But now I change into my Dr. Jeckle and start to create imaginary monsters about how hard I am going to have to work tomorrow and probably for the rest of the week.  It comes in waves.  Some weeks are down and this week will be up.  Some days I fret over trying to keep myself busy and productive and this week I'll be looking for ways to slow down and rest.  At least I have Wednesday now to prepare for Thursday.  I will have to get Richard outfitted for tomorrow, but my deadline for most of the work is Thursday morning when Marv and Jim will show up.  Funny, how human it is (at least for me) to want something and then when you get it you almost wish that it hadn't happened.  

Today I heard something on the radio (computer Classical 89 from K-BYU) that struck me.  The guy asked the question whether this person was a big fish in a little pond or a little fish in a big pond sort of a person.  I remember my dad asking me that same question when I was a teenager.  I thought about it and I real don't know how I would answer it now (nor did I know then either).  Seems to me like my pond isn't a pond at all.  Its just me, so my size really isn't relevant.  I'm talking about my 'work me' that sits in my office all day with little contact with the outside world.  Some times that bothers me and sometimes it seems I figure that I made a choice a long time ago that simply 'is what it is' and I am happy to live with it.  (Since not being happy about my own choice is really stupid and really outside my circle of influence now. What with all that is with Nicholas right now it makes me wonder about the choices that I have made these 64 years.  I wonder how it might have been.  But the only question that really is important is:  how might it be?

I made it through another Monday night without watching wrestling.  That may not seem like much to anyone else, and in reality it isn't, but for me it is like being sober for a full week.  So that part of my Monday was better, but another part was harder on me.  I wasn't planning on getting up at 6 when Sheila's alarm went off, but I did.  And I was surprised that just a half hour of so earlier then usual had such and effect on me today.  I know Sheila took a short nap this afternoon after working this morning and I dozed a couple of times and then tonight I find myself really ready to call it a day.  I was lacking energy enough to keep me from working the way that I wanted to.  Finally in the afternoon I was able to get into a groove of sorts and get a couple  of things done that made me feel better about my day.  It wasn't much to write home about, but then it wasn't too bad.  When I dropped Sheila off at work this morning we found that a window in the back of the school had been broken.  No word if it was a burglary or just vandalism.  I heard one delivery man say that he hoped that it wasn't a sign of how the new school year would go after the first day of school.  Only 179 more 'work' days to go getting up at 6 (or a little after). It will be quite a change for me as well as for little Sheila the lunch lady.  But we do have a goal in mind for her earnings and a vacation next summer!  That is if the water heater doesn't go out first, or the car dies on us, or the pond motor quits, or my copy machine blows up, not to mention taxes or medical emergencies.  179 days -- wonder how many push ups I'll be doing then?

In just a few hours the Porter family will gather at JB"s uptown for breakfast as a last family get together before Nicholas boards the train to the East Coast.  It'll take him until Wednesday before he gets to Virginia and the next stop in his life's journey.  He is our first grandson to be off on such an adventure and I admit that I feel a little melancholy about it.  I am also a wee bit jealous over what he has ahead of him.  Life changes for all of us everyday, but this is a larger blip on the radar then most other days.  I am happy for him and for Spencer who will now have a room to himself.  Seems the only one who doesn't have a room alone in the Porter household is Sherri (and Russ).  Coming home from up North this afternoon Sheila and I talked about our lives and how they are different from the other stages of having and raising you kids.  It was over 35 years that we had between our first empty-nester year and our present empty-nester years.  No wonder I have had such a hard time recovering from that.  I hadn't realized that is lasted that long!  If we can finally recover we have much still ahead of us that we want to do.  It is an interesting discovery that we are making.  I'm talking about finding out that there is life after children.  We are trying to figure out what that is and just how satisfying it can be for us.

As if it isn't hard enough for  me to do right by my Saturday and use my time productively it goes and starts out the way it did this morning and takes me right out of anything like a mood to work.  We got together as family to celebrate Alexi's 12th birthday and send some balloons her way.  It is so hard for me to go to where that takes me and then come back and be normal, normal like work and stuff like that.  Right now it is 7 pm and I am ready to leave my office and spend the rest of my day before I go to bed in thought as deep as I am capable of.  I find that strangely satisfying and even though I have stuff that absolutely needs to be addressed I would rather leave it and go 'there' whenever I can.  It seems to strange to me to see life in these two different dimensions, but I do find both of them equally real.  The one may be more demanding, but the 'other' actually seems more real in a strange way.  The thing that makes them both worthwhile and important is that family is attached to both of them.  And on a day like today its attachment to the 'other' dimension of realty makes it more important then usual.  We 'Mormons' have a unique vantage point that isn't available to 'other' folk.  We know the truth of eternity past, eternity present and eternity future.  Once we 'know' and accept that realty it can't help but make the way that we think different then the way the other folk think.  I guess that I am just getting better at it, or I am just taking more time to consider it.  Either way each day comes to me in those two opposite yet complimentary realities.  It is quite a difficult task to do both of them justice at the same time.  But that is what I am attempting to do.  What do you think about that?

Richard called and said that he wouldn't be here tonight because his wife wanted him to go out on a date with her.  He felt it would be okay because we usually go out on a Friday too.  Funny, that tonight we had decided to stay in because we will be out for breakfast in the morning after the balloon launch for Alexi.  But I did want to do something more for Sheila so we had our meal here, and then went to Stone Cold Creamery to get some ice cream.  I really felt old when the girl serving us did not know what a banana split was!  After our ice cream (I did get my banana split) we came back home and did a pay for view movie.  We chose Mars needs Moms and who knew that it was an animated film.  I did sit through the whole thing and frankly I enjoyed it.  It wasn't really cartoonish and had an interesting story.  Now, Sheila has made a quick run to the store and we plan to be up and off before 8. I should have a pretty busy Saturday.  Good thing I did our recreation tonight because not only is Richard's work coming in the morning, he will bring Jim's work with him too, and Marv's should come in the mail in the morning.  I also have some ideas for any elective time that I might have.  I hope that I don't fall into the nothing pit and simply waste my time by doing nothing.  That's part of my new strategy and it will be a much better test this week end then it has been the last 5 days.  I hope I can keep it up.  We' see tomorrow.

I have taken some time to myself this evening.  Usually the wife and I find some TV that we like to watch together, but Thursday night's she has her's and I have mine.  So I pulled my bike (recumbent) up to the TV and did my 60 minutes of work while I watched 'my' shows.  It relaxes me and I'm glad that I can still do it.  I remember back in 2002 after I had my stroke in Colorado and had to drastically change my life style I started on a work out regimen.  At first I started slowly and actually had a hard time doing 15 then 20 minutes daily.  I worked my way to 30 and then 45 and it seemed like a long time before I worked my way up to a full hour.  Then it took a long time doing that before it became routine.  Now I have slacked off some figuring that my morning and night push ups take the place of some of that.  But when I exercise I go for the full 60 minutes and don't consider anything less.  After these years of regular exercise (since 02/02/02) I still have a lot to learn about my body.  Sometimes my pace is different just because.  I don't consciously do anything differently but my body reacts on its own and has its own pace which varies from day to day.  I haven't even tried to try to figure out why.  The same with my push ups.  Sometimes it seems easy and other times it seems hard to finish.  Maybe someday I'll understand why that is, but for now I just expect it to be different on its own and I simple go along with whatever 'it' feels like doing.  I know that I often think of quitting the whole regimen, it really is a lot of plain, hard work.  But I do recognize the benefits, and I know the truth of the benefits as well.  I hope that it helps me to live longer, but reality shows me that that is only wishful thinking.  All I can do it keep on and appreciate the benefits that I do see and know that no good deed goes unpunished (should that be unrewarded?)

I finally started to feel more comfortable with myself today.  Oh, I still can worry with the best of them, but I felt positive, real positive for the first time in a while.  I continued my new level effort and was blessed enough to have work to keep me busy and then we had an early departure time to travel to Ogden to attend the Eagle Court of Honor of Nicholas Jay Porter and a friend Dallin Layton.  That put us back home after 9 pm so I just chilled until 10 when Sheila and I had a date to watch ROYAL PAINS which is a TV show that we like.  Sheila was surprised to see me stay up so late, but it was worth  it to have spent that last hour with her.  But now that I am starting to crash I wish I had done things differently.  I don't regret it, I just would have h ad it different.  Oh well, I will recover and life will go on.  I really need to finish here and finish my day there, and get myself into bed so I can start the recovery process.  Night!

Oh yes, congratulations again to Nicholas, and to his supportive family without which it never would have happened.

I wonder if it is fair that I count today as day # 2.  There was no wrestling on to not watch, but I felt my decision applied on a much broader scale, so I am trying to limit my total TV watching time and avoid stuff that really doesn't contribute much. With that explanation I will count today because I did control the hours and I turned it off at 8 and did some small work and now I am actually ending my day.  I talked with Sheila when she got home from  her last shift at the temple and I explained how hard it was for me to enter in to this new 'whatever it is' of mine.  I feel lost and a bit intimidated as if I am in a new college course that is introducing me to a subject  that is way over my head.  Maybe it isn't necessarily a bad thing to feel like that, but it is a surprise to me that I do.  I just have to deal with stuff that I thought I had out grown a long time ago.  Writing that though I see that figuring that I have out grown growing is a proud thing and it goes against the grain of what I know.  After  all don't we count  continuing to learn as central to who we are and who we want to become?  So I need to give myself a bit of a lecture and see this for the opportunity that it is.  I have wanted the 'hard' stuff so now that it is here I can't wish it away.  I have to embrace it and take advantage of the opportunity that I have been virtually looking for all of my life.  Hopefully, after a while I will get comfortable with this as I have with so many other things in my life that at first were uncomfortable, but eventually became second nature.  I don't expect being old means being dead!

I feel like I am going through withdrawal.  Sheila will be happy when she reads this because I am announcing that I am trying to overcome my habit of watching wrestling.  It is usually a Monday night staple and often on Fridays too.  But tonight I just made the decision to quit cold turkey.  It wasn't easy.  I really had become (should I say accustomed or should I say addicted?) used to watching it.  It wasn't all bad because I often did my hour of exercise at the same time.  Tonight I made it through, but I felt the pangs or desires to just turn to it for a moment.  But I did not do it.  Sheila, I did not do it! I can't really say what it was that changed me.  There was no epiphany or anything like that.  It was simply that I made a choice and stuck to it even though I had thoughts to the contrary.  Do you have some habit that you hold on to that really isn't that bad?  Are you settling for something that is less then your privileges (as Pres. Uchtdorf would say)? If so, can I be your inspiration because is I can go cold turkey on this silly little pleasure you can too.  Besides, it isn't only o good thing to try and use my time in a better way, I believe that my wife will be pleased with my decision.  (That is, if I can stick to it and actually change this long standing behavior.)  (I did it now for one night and counting!)

I had something happen to  me in church this morning that I want to get your opinion on.  As you may or may not know I have unofficially appointed myself chief usher and 3rd counselor over the back rows of the church for our ward sacrament meeting.  That way I get to set the chairs up the way that I want and get to sit where I want.  I try to get folks in to the chapel before the sacrament and I watch out for stragglers who show up late and if I can get them to partake what they otherwise would miss I grab a Deacon and lead them out to a later arrival so that they get their opportunity.  That happened today.  A family of 3 arrived late and I directed a Deacon back out into the foyer.  I was surprised when the mother would not partake because she did not "hear the prayer".  The daughter and and the husband both partook.  I thought about what she did, and her reason, and wondered.  Was she right?  It was a good point and my conclusion was that all were right being true to how they saw things.  I appreciated the insight that the moment gave to me.  What do you think about this seemingly insignificant experience?

 I am running late for a Saturday night.  It's now 10:07 and we just got home.  We had traded cars with Cicily earlier today so she could go to work in ours and we would have the Durango with enough  room to take the kids with us to Kaysville.  I know that I drove that truck for near a decade,, and I didn't forget how to drive it, but it did give me a different feel sitting up high being so big.  Didn't scared Sheila too much, and she only asked me once if I meant to change lanes while driving on the freeway.  It was for Logan's birthday, but we were also anxious to see Colton and how he's doing here we are a week after his surgery.  From what we saw he is doing great.  And even though his progress is good it just seems to be a long time before we see what we hope to see.  Course in time to come all of this will just be a flash in our memories.  Living through something sure is different then remembering something.  I told Sheila on the way home that I had thought of not shaving in the morning.  I feel real pressed because I usually start my cool down period before I go to bed much earlier then this.  So I feel some pressure about getting up early for Sunday and all that it presents.  She didn't take me seriously and just told me that I need to shave.  It really isn't that late, but we shall see.  I still have a few things to go through in my nightly ritual.  

Did enjoy the time spent with family today.  They always help me to think good thoughts.  It also makes me realize that each of us is still pretty much on our own in living our lives, and that we all have  a lot of living yet to do.  I don't take that lightly so I do try and be serious about this job of living a life as opposed to just putting in the time.  I know what it can be in the 'end' so each part of it has to be taken seriously.  It's harder that way, but much more meaningful. 

So I'm watching the news last night and who do I see but grandson Nicholas posing as a 'secretary' ( a part time secretary at that)  "once a Laker always a Laker", he says.  It was a news story about a high school ring returned to the family of it's owner after nearly 45 years.  We were forewarned that it would be on but I forgot about it in my deep meditation and was reminded by Sheila just before it came on.  Then I watched it rebroadcast during the noon news today.  First Shelli, now Nicholas--who next.  My family is just getting too famous for me.  I try to avoid the limelight, but I guess that it is alright for the others to catch the spotlight now and again. Me, I just want to be obscure and anonymous.  I guess I will become famous for our kids and our grand kids.  That will be alright with me. I do admit that I have and do dream about it occasionally, but not often and not very seriously.  I have dreamed of being rich, but not famous.  I didn't make rich, and I'm not famous, but I am content.  And I do have dreams that I believe will come true.  They just don't have anything to do with riches or fame.  But they do have to do with the 8 and the 24 and, of course the 1 that  makes 10, and that is enough for me for now.

 It seems that I always have stuff in mind that I want to accomplish during the day that I never get to.  I have learned to settle for less a long, long  time ago.  Usually it doesn't bother me, but sometimes I figure that I could have easily gotten more done then I did so some guilt does start to settle in.  Then I carry on a discussion with myself about whether I am being too hard on myself or too easy with myself.  Yesterday I really did make some progress in pondering that I accurately  described as 'the quantum physics of pondering'.  I felt like I did make some progress or at least a start at trying to understand stuff that seems real deep stuff.  And as much as I figure I did move forward, everything that I thought about and every question that I asked myself never did move much out of that 'fuzzy' zone.  Seem that things can be much more complicated then I thought when I take the time to examine them on that kind of a level.  When my world distracts me from that task I devote my attention to what is at hand, but it does keep calling me back as if it is now some kind of an obsession.  I've never been obsessed over something before, but this does feel like it is a good obsession.  But I realized that I have to leave it most of the time for the things that matter most at that moment.  But I have high hopes that I am on to something and it is important to keep questioning and keep wrestling with these 'meaty', deep concepts that seem to be calling out to me.  I have experienced this 'level jumping' before like when I all of a sudden started to listen to classical music.  I can't explain it, but I know that I am different on one day compared to the way I was the day before.  It is such a strange thing to me, but it does seem to be the way that I need to travel now, at this stage of my life. Is it an illusion or am I actually just growing?

Today has been a pretty full day.  A little weird though.  It's almost like I have been in another world and just doing what needed to be done here, but never quite losing touch with that other place.  I have been pondering at a deeper level then I have been used to as if I have kind of graduated to another level.  It hasn't made it easier, in fact, I feel like I'm in the quantum physics of pondering.  I'm trying to understand the why of everything I think, feel and do and am, and I haven't even gotten a clue yet.  Reminds me of my Statistics class at BYU.  I never did understand what was going on there.  Now I'm doing that with everything on a level that I wasn't even aware of before.  It is fun though.  I feel excited like the first day of school.  But it is real fuzzy to me right now.  My excitement is that because I have done it before and succeeded I figure that I will again and I anticipate it becoming clear to me if I just keep on working at it.  So sooner or later I will have a handle on 'it' and it will be at a higher level then I have approached before.  Does that sound as weird to you as it does to me? And is it real and something that will, indeed, do as I described it, or will I wake up in the morning and find that it was here for a day because of something that I ate or something? 

Shelli was on the phone with Sheila and wanted to share some news.  When she told me I guess that I didn't sound excited.  But I googled Justin Osmond and quickly learned that she had had an opportunity to meet someone who not only is a celebrity, but someone making good waves in the deaf community.  I am suffering from a touch of jealousy right now.  I know that's silly, but this is such good news for Shelli and Colton and all of us, and I wish that I had something to do with it.  I will defeat my 'green' thoughts and just enjoy this blessing as it happens, and be grateful just for it and not care that I have nothing to do with it.  It reminds me of some thoughts and feelings from Saturday night at John Winder's party.  I spent some time talking with Clyde Williams.  He has a new job in the church office building, but wishes that he could still be teaching.  He said that each week he meets with the First Presidency, the Quorum of the Twelve and the Seven Presidents of the Seventy.  Wow, green thoughts!  You'd think that I'd be better then that.  But worldly celebrity doesn't matter at all to me, but that, well, suffice it to say that I dream about even meeting one of 'them' let alone working with them.  Oh well, so Shelli, I am thrilled for you.  It can only be good and I am happy for you (and for Colton).  And who knows, my life isn't over with yet.  And even when it is over I do expect to be hanging around with some pretty special people and hopefully feeling right at home.

I didn't want to get up this morning.  So I slept in until 20 to 7.  If you had known me when I was a teenager you'd know just how different that is for me to get up so early ( I do know that early for me isn't early for others, and everyone has a different way to look at it.) and even in our early married life my habits were quite different.  Course then I stayed up much later too.  I tried hard during my mission to keep the appropriate mission routine, but I wasn't always successful and got caught sleeping in on several occasions by some district or zone leader.  Perhaps it is simply an old age thing, but I'd like to think that its because I'm wiser  now and not just older.  Anyway, I try to get to bed before 11 on late nights and earlier when I wear myself out earlier.  And getting into the office before 7:30 a.m. is my goal.  (Course my commute is so long that that requires some preparation.)  The first few hours are usual hectic because I'm trying to get stuff handled and ready for Richard or someone else.  Then usually Richard arrives with more work that has to be processed asap so he will have it to work that same day.  Some days I don't have the work until that morning.  That makes it hard to make any kind of real plans.  I like it when I am able to 'orchestrate' the days work on the day before, but it doesn't always happen that way.  I wonder if I could work for someone else after being my own boss for over 4 decades.  I did have a couple of short stints doing that early on.  But I made a choice.  I have to admit that on occasion I still wish for that other kind of life.  But I really don't believe that I could change now.  That was part of that fear that I wrote about just over 2 years when I had that mid-life employment crises.  I wondered if I could survive and find a real job, and if I could find one if I could survive and actual do it.  I have been so grateful that I did not have to find out.  I look at all of you and I see (and feel) your varied circumstances.  Some of you have been very lucky (blessed) and others of you have had real difficulty.  I am able to relate to both, because I have had both.  I wonder how things might have been different if I had chosen differently in any one of hundreds of opportunities that have come my way in 65 (almost) years. Is that a dream or a nightmare?

First off,  Spencer wants me to let everyone know that he is selling Fat Boys and something else to raise money for his football team.  If you have a hankering for ice cream give him a call.

Today was our FHE for August.  Robert and Cicily showed up, but were on the clock and had to be gone by 15 to 6 so Robert could get back to work.  Phil was here to eat and be here and then take his boys home. Sharon got here and around 7 Linzi and Zach were dropped off here.  The Porter's got here a little late, but there was still some food left so they were able to eat.  Nicholas taught the lesson (with some help) and then he and Sherri flipped crepe's for dessert.  When I finally got down here to write I had to kick Brooklyn and Linzi off of my computer.  I was surprised that it was already after 9.  I thought I crashed earlier then that, but time doesn't matter too  much, the fact that I crashed was the compelling thing.  So I have 'rested' my Sabbath day away and I am exhausted. The reason that I had asked Nicholas to take the lesson for tonight was because he is almost gone.  In two weeks his family will have an early morning (1:30 a.m.) breakfast and then put him on the train to Virginia and the next phase of his young life.  We'll stay here and just keep getting older, but I guess that we will miss him a little bit.  He might miss us too, but he'll be so busy with so many new things going on in his life that he'll hardly have time to remember us. But know this young Master Nicholas:  we are now and forever will be your family wherever you are.  You might even appreciate it now, but you will do so even more later on in your life and forever.  You can never get away from us.

Weddings, funerals, reunions and apparently 70th birthday parties are pretty much the same in effect when you have an opportunity to see people from you former life.  Our past has a way of thrilling and haunting us at the same time.  These folks who were our good friends were at the same time the cause of some of our greatest frustrations.  I did have a great opportunity tonight to visit that place of opposites.  We had received an invitation to John Winder's 70th birthday party for tonight.  I was excited to go because I did expect to see people for our old ward and from my former life.  I didn't think much about the negative part of that situation, but after awhile I did notice it.  I see it in a much less threatening way now then I have in times past, but it is still real and gives pause for some serious pondering.  On the surface it was all pleasantness and only in the deep part of my mind do the negative thoughts exist.  But they are part of me and have to be dealt with although I don't believe that they will ever be forgotten, overcome maybe, but not forgotten.  They are too much a part of who I am, or was, to be forgotten.  Anyway, there were, of course John & Lora, Clyde and Kathy, Kim and Ed, and at the very last moment Dennis & Jan (that's the way that it has always been!)  The Davis', the Bouck's the Ambrose's, the Cutler's, the Kraft's, good old Sandra Burke, some who's names I did not remember and some I didn't recognize.  We were there long enough and met enough folks from our past to keep me sorting memories for some time to come.  I still do remember some of the negative feeling I have in my 'deep inside feeling place', but the overwhelming feeling is one of warmth and yes, even love.  It will keep me sifting and sorting deeply held feeling for a long time.

I've kinda run out of gas for the day.  You know though, I feel  like I was never really in sync with today.  Regardless of what I was doing my mind was pretty much on Colton and his big day.  It started when I got into the office and looked online for any update, and it'll keep on when I get done with this entry.  I'll look once more and review the stuff that I have already seen.  By now Shelli, Phil and the man of the day are close to being down for the night.  I'm sure that the three of them are absolutely wiped out from today.  It wasn't a done deal that Colton would be home now because at one point he was supposed to be staying overnight for observation.  But after a couple of hours he did so well that they changed their minds and sent them on their way.  I am probably being too optimistic and he will take longer to get back to 'normal' then I want, but at least he is on the way and seems to be doing really well.  There was a lot of traffic on the various sites tracking him and obviously lots of good folk rooting for him and expressing their good wishes.  Makes me feel a little proud to be his grumpa.  As I said, my mind was really focused on him all day long.  As for right now I have officially left my Friday until morning and I am going to crash until then.  We do have Hunter, Chase and Logan here until probably Sunday night.  Tomorrow we're going to put them to work.  I will have to be creative to think of jobs for them to do.  But Chase said that he wants to earn $9.00 and so I'll have to work him real hard for him to earn that kind of money.  Who says that grandparents are always nice?

Sheila is already the victim of downsizing and she hadn't even gotten the job yet.  Yesterday I wrote about her fretting to get her application finished and turned in.  Then today we get on the web site and can't find any listing of the job that was posted yesterday.  So she makes a call and finds out that the boss' boss unlisted it after dis-approving it.  So she is left to pursue a lesser hours job, which, by the way, she did get.  This one is pretty much in the bad (unless the whole school district gets down sized.

 

The events of tomorrow are on my mind.  I found the posting that Shelli made to "Colton's Story" and when I say the picture with the mark drawn behind his ear it hit me where it actually caused me some distress.  If I dwell on it I admit that it gets to me.  I have been downplaying his surgery, but that made it more real to me than I wanted it to be.  Shelli wondered how well she will sleep tonight.  I have to ask myself the same question. It is becoming more real for me by the moment and I find it a lot more uncomfortable for me then I would have thought.  However, having said all of that I know that things will be fine.  This is a good thing, and will only get better as time goes on.  Before we know it it will all be over and the little dude will be on the mend and headed into a new and much better phase of his young life.  May we all see it for what it can be, as well as for what it really is.

Sheila finally found the posting of the job with the school district that she has been waiting for since Monday.  She spent over an hour on the computer finishing up her packet to turn into the district to apply for the job.  She was really quite nervous about the whole thing and expressed her anxiety about this whole process that has been nerve racking to her.  I guess I can't really blame her.  It's been many, many years since she was out in the work world trying to land a job.  I do have a bit of experience, but not much as I consider my own history.  I remember the first years of our marriage and after I graduated from BYU when I was wondering about how I could possibly support the family we had (Sherri) and the family that we we have (all the rest).  It was not a pleasant time for me, and I went years before anything like that came up again.  Then just over 2 years ago when I got ousted as a Constable and had to turn into a Private Investigator I had some really bad  moments.  I well remember the scary times.  It was a very unpleasant time of my life.  And even after the miracle that got me and Richard into our new P.I. role it took well over a year before I started to get comfortable with the idea that I would be able to make a living for us.  So I guess that Sheila is entitled to a little nervousness over this process of applying, interviewing and getting a new job.  I do enjoy watching her squirm a little bit, but I will also be very happy for her when (not if) she lands this new job. She said that when she took the paperwork by the district office and turned it in that she had some separation (from the documents) anxiety.  She wondered if they would treat it right or if they might lose her application or if she had forgotten something or didn't do it correctly.  Now she needs to just wait.  And given her present state of  mind that might not be very easy for her to do.  Lot of things this week to get heart burn over.  We'll see how well she does.

I just finished getting a haircut.  Of course my barber is my wife.  I honestly cannot remember how long she has been cutting my hair.  I do have memories from what seems like ancient times when I had Jae Winkler from the 10th Ward (in Sandy) cut my hair.  That goes way back to before my mission because I remember that just before I left for my mission in 1965 he gave me a haircut and did not charge me.  I think that I went to him some after my mission, but not for long.  Then I went to a barber at 106th South and 700 East for a time, and there have been others in 65 years.  (And in Australia for the 2 years 1965 to 1967.) But I believe that now Sheila has been cutting my hair longer then she has not been cutting it, if you know what I mean.  I remember that it started because we wanted to save money.  The one time investment for the equipment has been repaid many times over and that is still a good reason to this day.  But I like it when she is cutting away and leaning on me and fussing over me.  She doesn't believe that she does a good job.  I believe that she does, but  it's the experience with her that fun for me.  She has nipped me a couple of times, but I have learned not to react even though it rarely happens anymore.  It is quite relaxing for me, and it does keep me from getting too shaggy.  I have fun when my wife cuts my hair!  She is such a good sport to keep humoring me that way.

I just turned my key over to another.  I've had this church calling for 2 months and I didn't particularly want any help.  But Bro. Lyon did it before and asked about it yesterday, so with the new month I gave it back to him for August. I did walk over there with him and showed him how I do it.  I don't think he had done it that way so now he knows how I think it needs to be done.  He can do it his way for sure, but I believe that my way is better.  Sheila left before I did while I was in the middle of my hour of exercising and she is not back yet.  She had a late run to Sharon's and I'm sure that she ended up talking with her.  Zach had that surgery this morning and Sharon wasn't too happy about some things so I figure that that has come up and has been part of their discussion.  We have had occasion to try to be of help to several of our kids lately.  It is a burden, but actually one that I am quite thankful for.  It tends to really keep one humble when one gets involved in life, especially life from another's perspective.  I get lazy too easily and only see what I see.  What another might see is good for me to see.  See!

My new month started this morning.  I got up and did my 44.  I'll do it again in a little while.  Some times it will seem easy, and sometimes I will barely make it through.  I don't understand why it is different.  I just know that it is.  There's so much I don't understand the why of,  I just know that things are.