It's one day short of three full weeks since I last wrote. I excuse myself because I have been suffering for most of that time.  It seems every year of so my body suffers some set back that causes me great pain.  This time (if my personal googling is accurate) I suffered 'tennis elbow' (which, according to my research has nothing to do with tennis.)  It came on about two weeks ago and dealt me several days of excruciating pain before I figured it out enough to medicate it and treat it to make it barely tolerable and then several more days to finally get it to go away (mostly).  I formed my plan that today (Monday the 11th) would be the day to get back to my routine (p.u.s.h. u.p.s.) and Sheila did warn me before she left for work this morning about that.  So I tried to be wise when I did it.  I did notice some slight strain (for lack of a better word) while doing them, but finishing 71 (my 'new' November number) was quite satisfying.  I am now ready to get to my work and I also have a new 'lesson' to ponder today.  It has something to do with a church video we watched on Saturday about 'wrong roads'.  It comes from Apostle Holland and taught me (us) a very interesting, personal lesson.  It seems timely to my thoughts of late and I can tell you that as long as you listen there are new lessons and truths given to you.  Life's stages do change (your's will eventually!), but the need to learn and grow continues.  I am just trying to keep up with mine.

I have not written for a time because the thought in my head haven't been very clear to me.  I have had this idea rattling around for quite a while, but it seemed muddled and not conclusive.  Right now I feel that writing it down may help me to focus it better.  I think I have referred to one of 'them' before and 'it' has continued to be on my mind.  It has to do with how I do my job compared to how I am being 'paid' for my job.  My effort is so weak, yet my 'pay' is so high.  It has taken some time to get used to it being my reality.  Every day I fall further behind, in dept, to Father in the way that He blesses me.  I do believe that I am trying harder to do better because of that but my debt will continue to increase and I will just have to get used to it.  That is the way that He is.  I started a new book last week and it has had a profound effect on me.  "Earth: In the Beginning"  I recommend it to all of you.  I would love to have long and deep discussions with any of you about it.  I admit that my life has changed (for the better).  I am trying to catch up with it and it is a challenge, but I am enjoying what is happening to (and for) me.  Maybe you might find time where we can sit down together and discuss all that is going on around us in this year 2013 ( and my 68th).

I hadn't thought that it had been a whole week since I last wrote.  But apparently there is a routine forming that I am not aware of.  Last Wednesday I got into my office earlier and again today.  Sheila isn't even gone off to work yet and I am here, so I need to take advantage of this extra moment and do this.  I have had a thought (among many) hanging around for a few days that I want to articulate for me as well as for this entry.  I expressed it to myself this way:  "I am receiving executive pay for blue collar work."  What I mean by that is that I am feeling so very blessed (actual feelings) as if I were earning based upon great service or fantastic talents.  I feel compensated way beyond what I am actually doing (as if we can actually 'earn' blessing anyway).    Sure, we are showing up at our assignment, but not much more.  I am not teaching.  I am still struggling with knowing all of those fine folks by name.  I just sit around a lot.  Yet, I feeling as if we are doing this great thing.  I 'feel' it.  It is hard to explain, because it is hard for me to understand.  But it is so real to me.  I am living on a higher plane then before and I don't deserve it.  Maybe that is my 'key'.  Do we ever deserve 'it'?  I just know that this is where I want to be.  So for now I'll keep on serving meagerly and graciously receive my unjust compensation and journey on.

I'm actually in my office way early and I wasn't planning on writing, but it seems that I have some catching up to do.  It seems like such a long time since, because it is.  But I did have a good reason.  My computer broke last Thursday.  I tried everything I knew (which wasn't much) and our good son Robert tried and even had a friend of his come and they tried (for a few hours on Saturday) but their efforts with that young lady in the Philippines only taught us what didn't work and maybe what the problem really was.  She scheduled a company tech for Tuesday the 8th so at least I had a timetable to be without.  Yesterday he did come and couldn't get it working, but did let me know what I had to do.  So I did (bought, paid for and installed a new state of the art modem) and to my delight I am back on line.  Catching up isn't fun, but being able to catch up is. Now I am ready to move forward.  And it actually works faster then it did before.  Happy Wednesday to you.

I've had my 'memory ring' on my left pointer finger for most of the last week.  It has reminded me of some heavy pondering and deep thoughts about life and myself and all that that entails.  I finally changed it back last night, but then I utilized it again for a thought that I had this morning that I want to record right not.  There is this phrase that we use to describe life: 'this life is a test'.  I have come to not like that phrase, or at least the way that we could define its meaning.  I believe that is totally wrong if we see our life's 'test' as a pass or fail kind of thing.  That idea is simply contrary to the gospel, yet we do sometimes allow it to creep in to our head.  I have come to see it as 'life is a testing'.  To me that means that it is a process of refining, of trial and error with learning and growing and becoming as the goal, not failing or being disqualified or eliminated.  God's love being the force behind and through this process would not allow that failing aspect to be a part of it.  Sure, we do fail, make mistakes (some serious mistakes), but we must come to know His purpose is to 'make' us, not 'break us'.  It does seem easy to adopt that 'pass or fail' idea, but any real study of the 'gospel of love' will dispel it as one of Satan's cleverest tools and most certainly not true.  That doesn't make 'life's testing' any easier.  It is not designed to be easy.  It is not designed to make us or break us.  But it is designed to get us back with Him as His children, tried and true.  He does most of the heavy lifting.  We do have to reach upwards and take His hand and cooperate in that process of being lifted up to what we were created to become.

Your task

to build a better world

God said.

I answered, how?

The world is such a large place

so complicated now,

and I so small and useless am,

there is nothing that I can do.

But God in all of His wisdom said,

Just build a better You.

I memorized that when I was but a youth.  It is still with me.  It rings true every time I repeat it.  And is actually more true now then ever before.  Just this morning I reviewed it and found much to ponder.  The thing that comes to me now though is what that 'better you' can really be.  Knowing the truth of that really makes the 'task', the journey, the process, the life meaningful, especially when taken in the context of gospel truths.  Other things matter certainly, but the central task works from the inside-out.  I am blessed to have another day to work on 'it'.  And I hope that with God's help I can 'change' and 'be changed' for the better a little bit every day.  I am just beginning to be able to see what the possibilities really are. 

EARTH

WIND

WATER

FIRE

Those are the words at the center of this new level of understanding that I am pursuing.  To me there are many, many different meanings and all center on gospel truths.  It fascinates me how they (the four words) are tools to take my mind to places of wonder and excitement.  That may sound silly to you, but try to see it from another point of view and consider how they can do what I claim that they do for me.  There is a lot of really strange and neat things going on in my mind and right now they center on those four word symbols that represent so much more to me.  As usual, any imput from 'you-all' will be appreciated.    Have a wonderful day!

I surely do have a lot of material to study.  There are years and years of recorded data and experiences galore available to be examined and compared and pulled apart.  But the subject is still a bit of a conundrum to me.  Maybe that is because 'it' keeps changing in lots of little ways and reacts differently from day to day.  It is hard to really get a hold of a moving target.  But I keep on trying to understand for it is actually a commandment of sorts.  After all, aren't we instructed to 'know thyself'?  I have learned a lot about me, but I still wonder about so much.  You'd think that with so much 'evidence' to examine it would be easier, but not so much.  The 'me' that I found this morning when I got up seems different then the 'me' that I remember even from yesterday morning.  And my past 'me' surely differs from the present 'me' in lots of subtle ways.  It seems that as soon as I have something figured out I go on to something else and then realize that even the figured out part has changed.  But I am getting used to it.  I have come to understand that that is a good thing.  Our life is a time for us to change and to grow and being different from yesterday is usually a good thing.  I understand that change is most often unnoticed as it is happening.  So when it is noticed you are already working on some new lesson.  Spending lots of time on the review seems to matter only as it pertains to whatever new lesson you are dealing with.  But I feel that there is still so much to learn and so little time to learn it.

I like words.  I like words because they represent ideas, thoughts, concepts, truths and values.  I especially like words that represent truths that are deep and vast and require lots of effort to really understand.  Many such words continue to come before me enticing me to additional thought which leads to deeper and richer meaning.  Some words represent things that require near a full life time to come to understand.  They do have significant meaning on many levels and can be 'mined' often and continually through our life and continue to yield treasure.  This morning I have been reminded of a few words which all start with the letter "C" and offer that richness in meaning that I have described.  I offer them to you for your own treasure hunt:  Christ, charity and consecration. And just for a little spice I refer to a scripture verse that plays into the game:  "repent ye therefore and be converted" which can be explained with 'change ye therefore and be changed' (more 'c' words) and also requires lots of pondering as well.  I would like it if you would take up the 'challenge' of those 3 (plus) 'C' words.  I will be most anxious to hear what experience you might have.

Monday morning again and I do have the time because  got up early when Sheila got up for work.  I don't feel like I have anything interesting to record, but here goes:  Friday I feel was just a finish to the work week and so Saturday and Sunday we had our weekend pretty much to ourselves.  As usual I had goals for Saturday and I ended up doing maybe one or two out of 4 or 5.  I was able to have Sheila trim my hair (and my eyebrows and ears!) and I took her our to dinner.  My new shoes and glasses are on hold.  Sunday was mission time and was fulfilling, but instructive too.  I now have a project to memorize 1 Corinthians 13 because I find its lessons so applicable to me right now.  I feel like I'm in a really hard part of my graduate course to understand.  Not necessarily hard to do, just hard to really make sense of and understand the why and what's ahead part of it.  If you know 1 Cor. 13 then you understand that I see understanding charity as part of my answer.  The whole chapter seems to be my answer (when I come to understand it).  So this morning is back to another kind of normal with its unique 'normal' challenges.  I'll hang around and see how I do with it.

The idea isn't totally clear to me yet, but I am going ahead with it in the hopes that as I write it will become more precise for me.  I have been considering the way that folks come up with new ways to define 'the way' and in so doing they often stray in their effort to reinvent the truth.  There is some merit to making 'it' ours, but never at the cost of redefining it.  The scriptures tell us the 'I am the way, the truth, and the life'.  That doesn't leave any room for us to reinvent or modify the truths that He has given us.  It seems to  me that every preacher or life teacher has a slogan meant to entice us and identify what he is advocating.  Most are wise enough to try to at least refer to established truths, but some invent a new twist or slant that is a clue that what they want is to insert their own 'truth' in place of 'the truth'.  One I have come across recently is 'Thinking is allowed'.  The implication is that 'Mormonism' does not allow thinking.  In truth, just because 'the way' has been established does not diminish the requirement to think our way to it as we come to embrace it.  I, for one, know that our Father in Heaven didn't hastily come up with it, thus leaving room for us to improve 'it'.  It was well 'thought out' from the beginning.  All that is left is for us to come to understand it, embrace it and allow it to take us home.  It is the only 'way'.  We don't need to reinvent it, just learn it, understand it and embrace it.  

What is an 'abundant life'?  What does it mean to have 'live more abundantly'?  I pose these questions near the very beginning of my pondering, before I begin my study and before I invest myself in studying this subject.  My interest was piqued this morning as I was in transformation from sleep to wakefulness and enjoying the most exquisite experience of oneness in body, spirit, wife and Deity, which brought that thought to my mind.  Surely 'it' will be a part of my answer as I increase my understanding of 'abundantly'.  I really did not want that moment to end, yet those kinds of experience do end, but in a 'let's do more' kind of inspiration.  Maybe this is all 'parable' for you, but it is very meaningful for me.  It seems a part of this great transformation going on with me.  It is all good, but brings a sense of responsibility like I have not known before.  So 'where much is given, much is required'.  It is a good place for me to be right now.

The weekend has now come and gone.  I got into the office earlier this morning and I read my paper and then got right to work.  It has been about 4 hours and I am at a stopping point for the time being.  I am still waiting for Richard, but I figured that he would be late as he and Phil got back from their service mission to North Dakota some time during the early morning hours.  I am also now waiting for Sheila to go by the post office and Cullimore's and hopefully bring me more work to do.  Our weekend was nice with BYU winning on Saturday and mission and family on Sunday.  It was Zach's 13th birthday yesterday and the ward's primary program.  Kaitlyn and Aaron as well as Sharon and Johnny had parts in the program.  I told Colton afterwards that if he just taught was that program taught (he leaves for his mission in about 2 weeks) he would do well.  I still am feeling quite overwhelmed.  I know that sometimes I don't act like it.  (Richard just called -10:58-- and is on his way here.)  I don't always remember the tasks that I list in my head and go along as if I had nothing to do, but if I take the time I can always find (another phone call)  something more productive to do if I can find the energy to do it.  Here it is the 2nd week into September and I am barely hanging on as life whizzes by.  It is kind of a neat adventure because so many things are going well despite normal 'neg's that accompany each day.  Our mission has really changed our lives, but it sure feels right for us right now.  We just feel so overwhelmed, but we are making progress, although very slowly.  I can only imagine what it will be like after time and experience when we feel like we can actually handle what it requires of us.  I am beginning to really know more about this 'frail existence'.

Have you ever noticed how complicated you are as a person.  You have feelings that you really don't understand as to where they come from or what they really mean.  It is as though there is another person somewhere inside of you and maybe even 2 or 3 places where there is something that is real and discernible, but hard to really identify.  I know that most of my real understanding does come from the scriptures or the gospel where we learn who we really are and the combination of spirit and body that makes up our total.  But starting there still leaves a lot to learn and it is really a lifetime's effort.  Understanding 'it' includes understanding opposites, progression, God's hand in our life, and our own desires which do eventually come out in the way we become and what we become.  It seems too simple to say, but what we really, really want is what we will really, really get.  And 'becoming' trumps 'knowing' in the end.   It begins to make a little more sense when we understand that our life here is actually Act 2.  And this 'veil' thing is really there and not really there at the same time.  The sense of it all comes a little bit more when we understand the 'test'; it's reality, it's purpose and the way that it works for us or against us.  It is all so wonderful. And the context of Act 1, 2 and 3, though equally hard to grasp, brings it all together.  The key for me right now is finding that spirit part of me and making sure that it is in charge.  I find that everything goes so much better when that is the case.

I guess this entry is mostly for me.  It will be my effort to crystallize my thinking on this idea that came to me this morning in the hopes that it gets into my head and works on me as I try to understand it.  It is the result of something that happened 'on our mission' last night.  There is this family in our ward...it turned out that the 3 sisters (including Sheila) came together to counsel this husband and wife.  They have every problem that you can imagine, but the most crucial problem is that she cannot control her spending and on a limited fixed income is chronically way behind.  This gets to her husband who abuses her (vocally and emotionally) so she complains and gets him thrown into jail.  Their health is a very real issue along with everything else that you can think of.  Anyway, my thought had to do with me, not them.  I was looking inside myself as deeply as I could and imagined that with enough money I could solved the problem.  That bothered me.  The 'you can buy anything with money' is not the answer.  I know something of the 'other' resources and I really do value them so much more.  But I have to make some more progress in that to make 'it' the thing of my imaginations.  This conundrum is very real to me, and even makes sense to me.  So here is another project for me to work on.  How, I don't know.  But I will changed and be changed.  I hope to come to see those 'other resources' as the only way to meet life. 

I feel surprising good this morning.  In a way it bothers me because I don't really understand everything about why.  There is so much about me, myself and I that baffles me; let alone, figuring out every body else.  I am trying to see things through sort of a unity or  oneness kind of paradigm.  That is to define a unity of me which is my eternal spirit and my mortal body (which will be eternal); a oneness with my 'help meet' and a union or communion with my Father in Heaven.  If I can get those 3 right then every else falls wonderfully in to place.  And everyday I find out just how much I don't know about those three relationships.  You'd think that after 24, 060 days with myself I would know 'me' better.  But examine that for yourself and see how you are doing.  Then take opportunity to teach me.  I'd really like to know your thoughts on those 3 combos.  

To the best of my calculations I have lived 24, 059 days.  So today is my 24, 060th day (including leap years).  I note that because I figure that we all have our own days, and each of our days ends up being different from the others.  We have some good days.  We have some bad days. Some are terrible and some end up being outstanding, quality, special days.  I know that 'circumstances' do help make a day, but I have finally figured out the things that work for me to shape my day into one on the positive side of things.  It follows that I also understand how I can live a day that ends up less then I want.  In fact, I suppose that most of what shapes my days does depend on me and not on those circumstances regardless of how good or bad they may be.  Now you will note that I say that I 'know' something of this thing, but I confess that I don't always 'do' as well as I 'know'.  Never the less, I know that I have to take responsibility myself for the results of any given day.  I am still working on that, but after 24, 059 attempts I have actually learned a thing or two.  So I see this '60th' day as another challenge in my long line of challenges and I hope to see it rise to its potential and be at least 'good' if not better.  If it doesn't I will take the blame and start my challenge all over again in the morning.  If it does; I will take the blame and start all over again in the morning.  Right now my hopes are high and I see potential.  I also have to take heart when I really and truly evaluate where I really stand.  That's called 'counting your blessings' and that is certainly a key ingredient in any new day's success, but something so often overlooked.  It makes it easier when one realizes how good a starting place we have.  So whatever your # is for today take charge and make of it what you will, but know it is pretty much your choices that matter.

I could have written, but I didn't because my morning was filled with something else.  I have had these two things sitting on my desk for several weeks and this week I decided that I needed to just do them.  I had a medical report from the state about my health and ability to drive that I needed to get to my doctor to sign and send in so they don't revoke my driving license.  So I got that in with Richards help on Tuesday.  I have had the letter about renewing my license too.  I prepared everything (I thought) and figured to get up and ready so I could drop Sheila off at her work and get to the state office by 7 and get it handled early so as to not bother my work day.  And so I did except I assumed something would work and it did not.  So I had to drive home, hunt up a suitable form and go back.  I actually spent very little time 'there' waiting, but two trips took up enough time to put me out of the mood and behind just enough so that I just got to work.  But I do now have the ugliest d.l. picture ever.  I can't wait until I get my new card with it on!  But 2 tasks are now marked off so I can concern myself with the other trillion things I am presently working on.  With a weekend full of family stuff we are trying to think of something just for us come this Monday holiday.  With us being old and boring it presents quite a challenge here in geezer ville.  We'll see how it turns out.

I guess that it is time for me to confess my newest thing.  I have been 'into' it for a while now, but I learned yesterday that it has been around for centuries and even though I have my own slant on it it still falls under a type of yoga that has been practiced for centuries.  I do my own version during the night while I am almost sleeping and I find it very rewarding.  I called it the 'art of stretching' but when I googled it yesterday it came up tied to yoga and Tai Chi and Rolfing (whatever that is).  I want to study it out lots more, but I will continue refining my own way of doing it and I hope to continue feeling the rewards and in the end actually see some results of this 'exercise'.  It is pretty much like anything else that I learn:  there are always more questions then answers.  There just is so much to learn, even about the most basic of subjects.  I guess that I have been around awhile and my conclusion is so cliche but true:  The more that I come to know, the more I realize how much I don't know.

 

It seems like a duty right now, more then a habit.  But I have begun because I am now twenty words into my latest entry.  I guess that I can accurately describe it as an exercise of faith, a leap into darkness or an exercise of the unknown because so far I have no clue as to what I will write.   --pregnant pause--  I want so much to have an influence for good, to make a difference, but I also believe that the more I do and the better I get the more humility becomes real and defined for me.  I am beginning to truly understand what it is and especially what it does.  And I am becoming more, but thinking about 'it' less.  I am becoming stronger, but more dependent on strength for another source.  I see me actually increasing by actually decreasing.  If all of that makes sense to you you understand what I am feeling.  I am always trying to dissect words to understand what they mean and what I mean as I use them and 'humility' is one deep word.  Perhaps my best understanding of it is that you don't use it to describe yourself.  That has to come from somewhere else.  You know, if you claim it then you really don't have it. So understanding its true meaning you 'pursue' it in a really different manner.  Like going after something by not going after it.  So I have plenty before me on this Tuesday.  My best wishes for each and all of 'you-all'.

Monday morning again.  I am happy to report that our Sunday was good. I feel like I (we) am beginning to make this mission mine.  By circumstances beyond our control we were left on our own to handle the duties after the block.  One couple came and left early because Kathy had a migraine and Robert and Kandace had a funeral to attend (Jewish) so they left early.  We were able to meet the challenge because Sheila knew what she was doing and I was smart enough to let her do it.  We (she) ended up doing 2 food orders and I did some logistics with our files to help them be better organized and to help me know better the people that receive the service that we are there to give.  I also had the opportunity to meet several new people and continue to fall in love with the members of this unique ward family (which now includes us!).  I find that I do have a bit of a wall that I use for protection, but it is fast becoming obsolete in this new situation.  These folks are so warm, genuine and accepting that there isn't any need for my hesitancy.  I believe that I am slowing coming around.   I also believe that it is really starting to work on me.  But that will really be for all of you to judge as time goes on.  Funny thing though:  I am not able to really judge if we are giving any good service to 'them' because the thing that reverberates for me is what I see being done to and for 'me'!.

I have to do this.  I see reason not to do it, and I don 't feel like it is a great accomplishment, but it is a small accomplishment and perhaps that is all I need to begin my day.  I can build on that.  It is possible that something I write may actually matter to someone, but if not, it does  matter to me.  After all, it is my life that I am recording and right now some pretty interesting things are taking place for me and the wife.  Before I started this I reviewed Shelli's blog and Cicily's and then Facebook.  I found a picture of a drawing on Facebook that I printed off for Sheila.  It was a of an old man and an old women, holding hands and walking.  He had a cane and she had a large purse.  The caption said:  "The most romantic love story isn't Romeo and Juliet who died together...but grandpa and grandma who grew old together".  And I get to do that and have her as my missionary companion too!  

 

Yesterday was a hard and long day in the office.  But I got the jobs done and even though I have some work for today we do have options.  So we have some decisions to make.  Tonight we will be attending a 10th Ward bar-b-que, so it is our day that we need to schedule.  Tomorrow it will be a full missionary Sunday, so today is an opportunity waiting to be taken.  We will need to decide together what we be doing.  It feels good to have options and not be driven by the work for a change.  I'll let you know how our Saturday shapes up.

Here I am again.  Friday morning.  I'm not sure if I'm writing to postpone having to get to work or if I have something important to say.  I did have a new thought earlier as I was getting ready.  Last night I finished reading the Book of Mormon again, so this morning I read Mose 1.  It contains my mostest favorite verse in 39.  You know:  this is my work and glory.  Well, I was taught a new take on it.  Here it is:  Our Father is Heaven seems to be more concerned with our schooling then with our graduation.  At least that is where he spends his time with me (and you).  I am sure that He will be very pleased when we are 'there'.  But our here and now has His complete attention and He is walking with us through each day and each experience and every facet of our 'schooling'.  The rest will take care of itself, but right now is when I, for one, really need and appreciate His help.  Knowing that new nugget of truth does change the way that I look at today, and tomorrow.....

I am beginning to grasp a little bit more about who I am these days.  Last night we did our Wednesday night missionary thing and I felt quite useless.  Mostly I just sat around being quiet and trying to learn about what it is that I am (or will be) doing.  And yet when I take the time to try to take in the bigger picture I see that our blessings have not only kept up, but are actually way ahead of schedule.  It is as though we are getting executive pay for peasant work (which peasant work I, as yet, am not able to actually do during my training).  I just show up and it is enough.  I look to be there soon, but I am not there yet, and it is enough.  My baby steps seem to be compensated as if they were giant steps.  It is enough even though I, myself, am not 'enough', yet.  So, here in my office I am 'enough'.  I am competent and efficient and experienced.  Hopefully, that will also be the case sooner then later in my role where 'I carry a badge'.

Wow!  Three days in a row and today even earlier then yesterday.  And my exercise regimen worked better today then ever before so I actually do feel 'invigorated' right now.  Sheila is about off to her work and it should be better in day 3 then it has been as it has been making strides day 1 and 2.  They seem to be getting the hang of it and will continue to improve.  My decision to write was influenced by Cicily who overloaded on her blog with way too much stuff for one time.  She was on her computer for hours last night to do all of that.  While I was sleeping she was recording memories.  Me, I have fallen into morning for me and maybe one day I will be able to do it with pictures.  But maybe not too.  I wonder what it is supposed to be like for us.  Here we are married 44 years, newly called as church service missionaries and still working and growing.  We are overwhelmed with so much to do with and for family that we are forced to pick and choose.  (that is the hardest part) Yet we feel good about our 'school' which did not go into summer recess and has gotten harder and more rewarding steadily and continually now for all of those 44 years.  The neatest thing about our present call in that school of learning is the fact that I have my own very special favorite and perfect missionary companion!  She makes it all so pleasant, fun, worthwhile, possible and absolutely perfect.  Here I am, working my way through schooling for my higher degree and loving every minute of it.

It's even a bit earlier this morning.  We both hope that Sheila's 2nd day @ work will go better then yesterday.  Her description when she got home after the 1st day was that it was a 'zoo'. It seems that the school administrators were astounded at the number of 6th graders.  I suggested that being able to count is a skill that should have been employed early on thus preventing the emergency actions that were required.   As for me, the blessings seem to be doing the Malachi thing and not only do I not have room for them I also see my time being taxed as well.  I'm not sure just how I will deal with it all, but that sounds too much like complaining and I am not doing that.  After my 'commute' I can just be here in my home/office and fumble along as best I can.  Course that which hovers over me is as much the taskmaster as is the case with Sheila or any of you.  I have my work and I have my new lesson to ponder and I have all of these new responsibilites  to consider and to merge into our life's plan.  Certainly it is enough, and yet we did ask for more and now that we have it we will struggle with it for a time and then maybe something even more will come along.  I figure that we are really not so different from any of you.  It's just that our particulars are different.  But the test remains much the same.  Right now my test is Tuesday.  What's yours?

It's Monday morning just after 7.  Sheila is off to work, but this time will only be working her 'regular' 3 1/2 hour shift so I had her drive and expect her back later this morning.  I hope that she is able to figure our how to best use the new set up and find the best way to do her job.  She has been fretting some about that.  Me, I have lots of work sitting on my desk from Friday and Saturday waiting for me.  But I chose to continue my day doing this and then 'that'.  My mind is full of names and faces and impressions and ideas from our first full block and Sunday at our 'new' ward.  Sorting it all out is taking some time and there is so much to learn and remember.  I am mostly thinking about people and names.  We feel a responsibility to learn it all as quickly as we can.  We are both quite serious about this calling.  We want to really do it well.  It will take all that we can give it and more, but we are excited to do it.  It will be a real challenge to do all we can do 'there' and still do what we have to do 'here', because none of the 'here' is going away.  So, naturally, we feel overwhelmed, but in the most positive of ways.  I feel that we have felt direction and inspiration in our preparation for and now in this calling.  We find it hard to explain the specifics.  Its like 'you have to be there', but we hope to be able to share the power of what we are encountering, especially as our time goes on and we actually get better at doing what we will do.  

It's Sunday morning just before 7.   I got up and checked the alarm to see what time Sheila had it set for.  It will go off at 7:30 and that will give us sufficient time to be ready to leave after 9 for our first real missionary day at the 10th ward.  I felt like my best use of my time after reading my chapter was to come down here and write a 'chapter'.  I checked the 'sites' (nothing new this morning) and watched a wonderful church video about 'God so loved the world' posted by a sister in our 'old' ward and it brought tears to my eyes and so I feel quite wonderful as I start this day.  If we can do anything at all to help His work even in our most humble effort it can be a good day.  Regardless of that our day will be good because we will spend the evening with family, in this case celebrating Sharon's birthday and enjoying a free  meal.  We were there yesterday for Alexi's 14th birthday balloon and breakfast celebration and then spent the rest of the day recuperating from our long and busy week by just lounging around and watching tv together while doing what needed doing in order to be ready for today.  I have been reviewing what I know about all that is currently going on family-wide.  I wish we could take it all in, but we can't.  But I do hope to catch up on it a lot more tonight.  By then we will have had our first experience with the 10th Ward for a Sunday block-plus, and how much we will have to share I know not. but I do anticipate that we will be different then from right now (Sheila is sleeping!) as we are different now from yesterday morning early before gathering at Herriman. Seems like every day is full of new lessons, experiences and growth and I really am amazed at the changes that I believe have happened to me.  I don't know if anyone else would concur, but I am astonished!  I hope to keep on trying to figure it all out, but the journey feels absolutely wonderful.

Just got back from dropping the wife off at 13133 (her new school's address) so that I could have the car today.  She is looking to pull a whole day shift and work until around 3.  That has been the plan this week, but it hasn't worked that way.  This new school is not even close to being ready and the kitchen, well, let's just say that it was designed by management not the kitchen help.  When her alarm went off at 6 we both moved into action.  I checked her phone and found the message from Sharolyn that announced her safe arrival in North Dakota just before 12 last night.  Then we looked to today and our weekend which will prove to be busy, busy and even more busy.  In the morning is our 'Alexi celebration' and on Sunday is our first full blown church experience in our new life.  That night is Sharon's birthday bash and Monday is our FHE group get together.  Life seems to have shifted gears and even though I expected it it has still caught me a bit off guard.  Everything seems to have ratcheted up a notch or more and I am trying hard to make the necessary attitude adjustments.  And I know that one day I will get to see that hummingbird!  Have a wonderful, productive day.

Just sent off Sharolyn, AmandaRae, Aubree, Autumn and Christopher David.  They started the long drive to North Dakota and this new journey of adventure in their lives.  We gathered for prayer and a family hug to send them off and our most fervent prayers go with them.  We will be apart again, but closer now too.  In our new adventure we are becoming better at life's finer and spiritual things and that also makes our family more special to us too.  Last night we got our first taste of the reality that is our mission.  It was quite an experience.  Hard to really describe it, but even amid all of the inner city missions ours will be unique.  I see now why there was so much vagueness from those trying to describe it to us.  But I am really beginning to see it for the great experience of learning that it will be.  Of course the subject matter is mostly people, folks, human beings, 'block 2' (ask me) and our extended and eternal family and the very different struggles (or the same struggles of different individuals).  Already we have encounter some real characters.  Some of them are members of this new ward and some of them are our fellow missionaries.  It is all part of what to me is my own personal experience and journey.  I do see outward, but I also see so much inward for me.  Maybe the proper balance of that equation is my perfect challenge.  Can't see outward without proper inward vision nor be proper inward without proper outward understanding.  Wow!  Does that sound deep to you too?  Got a small taste of that already and I am properly excited about the great meal that is still to come.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but something is different about me (us).  Something good has happened and I notice it and am trying to understand it perzactly.  I am wise enough to know that it is a result of our new calling with the accompanying priesthood blessing, a new level of spirituality due to our commitment and diligence and I also figure that our badge has something to do with it.  But there is still much for me to try and understand.  We haven't even really done anything yet, but still we are different enough for me to notice.  And I have to say that it feels good, real good.  I wrote this last entry about being called to the perfect assignment for us.  It feels that way even more, and I am beginning to be able to replace my fears with my faith.  I don't quite understand that process much either, but I am aware of it too.  We are no longer on that 'verge'.  We are in a new 'zone' with new horizons to explore and new 'equipment' to master.  And this 'geezer' feels like a young kid just off to his first days at school looking forward to such a great, new adventure. 

So much has happened since last I wrote (last Thursday).  In that entry our bestest experience to record was going to the temple (1) and seeing the new temple film (1-a).  But in the 4 days since so much has happened.  Saturday and Sunday were long training days.  Saturday afternoon the actual assignments were made.   I had bee anxious about our specific assignment.  So much of what we will be doing depended on that.  I watched our 'mission president' during the times that he (with others) was doming in and out during their deliberation time.  I knew that he had a great responsibility to find revelation in behalf of the 13 couples there being trained to serve.  When the moment finally came it was done alphabetically so we were last.  He said that we were assigned to the Salt Lake Sugarhouse Stake 10th Ward.  Shortly the training session ended and we decided to drive by the wardhouse.  It is at 420 s 800 e and one that I have noticed over the years due to its age.  We found and read the historic site plaque and looked in the window as we walked around it.  It looked grand inside from what little we could see.  After the training ended on Sunday we drove by again planning on finding someone there in an open building.  It was as we expected, but our tour and visit with an executive secretary and finally the Bishop plus a wonderful first visit with 'Kandace', one of the current missionaries (and later her husband 'Robert' [not Bob or Rob]) was even more enlightening and provoking.  We actually begin tomorrow night, but 'it' has been on our mind much since Sunday afternoon.  This old ward (really, really old ward) intrigues us.  I have thought and felt much about our 'call'.  And we both really feel absolutely convinced that this is our right place.  We still don't know all that is ahead, but we are excited.  It is like all our my first days at school rolled up into one.  Plus all of the new apartments and homes added in.  I know that I am some what of a contrary and skeptical to boot.  I was slow coming around, but I have made the turn.  But, to quote BYU football:  we are fully invested.  This will be one of the hardest, bestest things that we do.

Despite our busy, busy week we took time last night to go to the temple.  We were with Jeannette and Wally and we also went to be able to see the new temple film.  Most of my thoughts since and I suspect for today will be because of that film and how it teaches so much more and better then the 'old' film did.  Not that the 'old' film was not good, but this new one is really wonderful.  It tells the story in a way that adds so much to our understanding.  I was especially taken with Adam and Eve (and this new Lucifer) and the way their story was expressed.  One conclusion was that I believe that it is reasonable to conclude that all of us saw and knew what they (especially Eve) went through and we agreed with the decisions that were made.  We may sometimes back away from that, but we knew, and we wanted our lives in spite of our understanding of all of the consequences.  I found my experience of this new film to be quite extraordinary.   I encourage you to find out for yourselves sooner rather then later. 

Sheila and I are on a 'verge'.  Our life is about to change drastically.

We are ready.  We are anxious, and a little bit scared, but bring it on!  At least I will have something to write about.  (Hoping that someone will actually read what I write--please more then 8 following of which I am one!).

One of my most important things for me to learn is how to recognize things of the spirit. When I find and recognize inspiration which I act on and then it is verified for me to actually have been a subtle whispering it is one of my most important things for me to learn.  And just the power of that influence in my life is always at the top of my list of things that I want to know, learn and become.  I find that 'it' defines the word 'subtle'.  It is for sure 'still' and 'small' and rarely pushes to be recognized.  One must search for it in a sincere, feeling way.  Last night was a great example in my life as well as in Sheila's.  We were set apart as missionaries for our Innercity calling.  Since then I have been able to feel a difference.  It is subtle and still and small, but it is certain and engaging and powerful.  Our actual assignment is still future, but our calling is now official.  We don't have the name tags, but we have the power and the mantle and a responsibility.  I find it difficult to describe all of the different ways that I feel (and I am sure that I can speak for my companion too) but it is definitely real and enabling.  Maybe I can actually, finally become that kind of spiritual person that I envision.  At least I know that this morning I am different and I know from whence it came.  Now we'll see what I do with it and what it can do with me!

I know that I have neglected this blog a lot this past week.  Its funny.  I have so much going on that is really intense and changing for me (and mine) yet it seems like I am not able to stand back and see it clearly enough to describe it.  I know that 'it' is happening and each day I actually feel different (in a good way) but it is as though the ride is too fast and furious for me to take the time to make any observations about it that would make sense when recorded.  Even my so called down time is full and hectic and don't conducive to 'blog time'.  Right now I am finishing up a really busy week and find that even with most of the family gone off to Yellowstone that all of this new life pattern of mine is still hard to really break down into words.  Yet I practically forced myself to do this here and now because I feel it as a need like so many other forces that 'need' me to face and do.  The word that comes back again and again is 'overwhelming' and that describes it best.  I don't claim exclusiveness in that because I figure we all have a very full life right now.  That seems to be the way of things in these, our 'last days'.  Maybe there is more to that then I realize.  In a way it is scary to me, and I am a bit uncomfortable with that.  But there is also so much goodness along with that that I am excited to get up each day and see what comes along.  I wonder if and when I look back on my present state how will I describe it with the hindsight that will come then having lived through it and hopefully passed the test and become whatever it is that this current test of mine is trying to make me become. 

Been back home long enough to have settle in, but I think just caught up to my energy this morning (Tuesday)  Yesterday was pretty much level one work most all day.  I still haven't gotten it all done, but another good day of that intensity should about do it.  I find the music from Saturday night still popping into my head every now and again, and my memories are good when I review our trip.  Haven't had much opportunity to talk about it with any of you (Colton's disappearing implants took precedence) but that will come.  However, many of you will be off on another adventure real soon, but 'our' memories will still be there.  I am starting to day dream about our new calling which is less then 2 weeks in our future.  My feelings are a little hard to nail down.  Anxious, yes, excited, yes, but sometimes a 'neg' will creep into my mind.  It is going to be so different and I'm not settled with all of that yet.  There is still so much going on in my head and I am trying to sort it all out.  It is just 3 weeks and Sheila will start back to work at the 'new' school.  By then we will have quite a different life.  Hope that I will be able to man up to what it will require of me.

Got up way before the alarm went off and learned how to group text for our trip that is now about 2 hours away from beginning.  I have already sent out some group texts (got 2 responses, I guess the rest are still asleep!) and we are up and in motion.  I anticipate that I will have much to write when we get back tomorrow.  I hope that we have prepared well and that everything will be as wonderful as it already is in my mind.  I am really looking forward to 'it'.

It is as though I had stepped through a door into a new life.  Everything seems different, more intense, more demanding and just 'more'.  Work is overwhelming me, thoughts of our impending calling are filling my head, and my inward, personal pondering seems quite sophisticated as if I have graduated to a new level of something.  Even our new phones seem a part of this new level as we are slowly adapting to a better way of doing some things.  There is so much that I don't understand, but my focus seems to be expanding to a bigger picture sort of view that I did not have before.  In a way it is a scary thing.  Makes me wonder about the amount of time that I have to do the 'more' that I now feel a responsibility to do.  I am trying hard to adapt to this new level of pressure and responsibility which I only see getting more in a very short period of time.  I know that I have 'prayed' it all for quite a period of time, but now that 'it' is here I have to deal with 'it'.  No one ever said that it would be easy (well, actually someone did say that it would be 'easy' if He became my partner, so perhaps my best effort is to make that happen.).  I guess that I can see that 'inward, personal' part of me as addressing that relationship.  I know that the growth and achievement in my 'communion' with my Savior will make all of the other things possible and possibly 'easy'.  I know that my study in 3 Nephi 19 this morning seemed to address that process.  In His short visit His priority was to teach, baptize, confirm and 'become one' with the people in order for the 'process' to begin between Him and each of them.  It is that same 'process' that I am talking about.  All of this relates to my relationship with God and what it requires from me as I progress.

My recent scripture reading has been in 3 Nephi.  This morning as I was reading about Christ's ministry to the Book of Mormon people I thought about some that question whether or not He actually did appear to them, or even if He lived at all and was who He said that He was.  I examined my testimony of those things.  I realize that my testimony is not necessarily about Him as an historical figure.  I certainly do accept that in all of its restored latter-day truth, but my testimony of Him is really a result of personal manifestation that I have been blessed with.  The peace and comfort He promises I have most certainly felt throughout my life.  But even more, I know that I have been touched by his love and received His forgiveness and mentoring and influence enough so that I can not, and do not doubt.  I know that as I have stumbled on throughout my life that I have been in crucial need of being washed clean and forgiven and He has done that for me.  I could not stand before Him now and feel the hope that I feel for my (our) future without that having happened many times in my life.  I, indeed, have been and at times still am a 'wretch', but this 'wretch' feels hopeful and has promises that are the result of that powerful influence from my Savior that have been and still are much a part of me and my life.  I could not look to my future the way that I do without His blessings to me in my past.  That is my testimony.  Not only is he real and lives;  He lives for and in me and has helped change me to whatever good that I am. I hesitate to use the words 'sanctified' and 'perfected' but to any extent that they apply to me it is because of Him.  And for that I am daily and continually grateful.

While there are certainly some events in our lives that are complete surprises, that  come 'out of the blue' or seemingly without any notice or warning, most events are the result of much planning, hard work, preparation in detail and anticipation over time.  Those events which surprise us can, indeed, be life changing at times, but the most meaningful, impactful and defining are the ones worked for, planned on and the culmination of efforts over long periods of time by and for us and most often 'community' in effort.  One event, still future, that is defined in both of these ways is the Second Coming of the Lord Jesus Christ.  We know that it will happen as a surprise, but also be the result of the most 'community' of efforts and only after the hardest and most detailed work has been performed in its preparation.  It will be the most meaningful, impactful and defining event not only for each of us personally and individually, but for our entire 'family'.

Well, we did it last night!  I told Sheila that we have bought new cars in less time.  But it did seem like the right thing to do at the time.  We bought ourselves new cell phones!  We discussed just going to the T-Mobile store to 'just gather information', but we finally ended up with 2 Samsung Galaxy Note II's (mine in black and her's in white).  Now we are both suffering from 'techno immersion syndrome' or 'geezer mind overdose'.  But we were able to dial a phone call and receive a text before the night finally came to a conclusion.  But the  horizon is still quite overwhelming.  I am starting to understand that it is kinda like a marriage when two strangers have to get to know each other.  (my hands and that pad).  We both think that once we finally start to learn how to use it that it will really change our life.  Can that be?  It is only, well not just a phone, but a portable computer and yes, we will probably be doing stuff more and better and may change some.  Right now I am focused on today, Friday, but so looking forward to tomorrow and the family/temple/Maddox's time that we have scheduled.

The 1st 'U' in my P.U.S.H.- U.P.S routine represents 'understand the day'.  So I am now in my 67th month of having that in my mind as I plan and ponder my life.  I have come to see that each day does have it's own unique character.  I, also, have learned how the days, weeks and months are connected.  I can't say that I do live each new day the best that I could, but slowly I am seeing the uniqueness of every new morning and I try to make my choices based on what best suites that particular day.  I am still trying to deal with the fact that some days are just better then other days.  My idea that that they should all be 'good' days' doesn't always translate into reality, and that bothers me.  I still count those 'bad' days as somehow failing, but I am learning that that is not necessarily true.  There seems always something to be gained from even the 'bad' days that sometimes happen.  But I am still pondering on that some.  Whatever the formula, the days still come to me one at a time, and offer the same 24 hours with equal opportunity and it comes down to how I choose to 'utilize' (the 2nd 'U') the day 'given' or the 'given day'. I figure that you are in the same boat.  I haven't heard that any of you have figured out how to find more time or rearrange the order yet, so we all just meet the challenge on each new morning and enjoy the consequences on each new night (or not).  May we all just keep on and learn how to make the most of what we have all been given.

I haven't quite figured out my life as a semi-retired grumpa yet.  One thing seems certain though and that is that no matter how hard I work throughout the day I still fall further behind.  There is just so  much to do and it gets bigger every day.  For instance, yesterday I spent  more then an hour on my computer checking out electric shavers!  I see a need in our next stage to shave more often and I figured that as an alternative to my using my razor when I shower.  Do you realize how many web sites there are comparing shavers and teaching about beard type?  I am more confused now then when I started thinking about the question.  

 

Last night we attended a reception for Mark Wright up Parley's canyon.  It rained on us there (and every where else), but was a very pleasant evening.  We visited with some dear 'old' friends, some of whom we hadn't seen in such a long time.  So all night I have been thinking about those relationships and how they play in my eternal sense of things.  It brought some tender feelings that are weighing on me some, and certainly cause me to think about things that I often don't think about.  So my studies for today are expanded even more.  Our family outings the next 2 Saturdays, this mission call on the horizon, upgrading my phone, a new shaver and my lesson on Sunday PLUS just trying to keep up with every day things.  Certainly any thought of 'slowing down' isn't realistic at all.  We may not have the 'raising children' situation that you have, but there is so very much to do.  It's a good thing that we are 'retired' so we can attempt to deal with it all!

I am a slacker.  Not only is our 'birthday card' to Nicholas late, I haven't written in my journal for 2 whole weeks.  So all of you please forgive me if I take advantage and do both in this one effort.  I don't know why, but things seem a bit weird this Monday morning. My mind isn't really focused the way that it usually is on a Monday morning.  Too much is swirling around in my head.  Most of the kids here know, but for Nicholas:  we are anticipating our mission call soon.  We have been called to a 'church service mission' in the 'inner city project'.  It is only a part time call, but full time as far as becoming a member of our new ward, where ever that will be. We will be released for our present callings and serve at the behest of the Bishop where we are assigned. I am not really sure if we will actually receive that 'white envelope', but all the paper work has been sent in and we are looking for the 1st or 2nd week of August to begin serving.  Yes, we will have name tags and will be missionary companions.  It has been hard to get any real definitive information about what we will actually be doing because all of the brethren say the same thing, that it varies so much from situation to situation to describe it in detail, but every time we read what you (Nicholas) are doing we imagine something similar on a limited basis.  I remember Elder Porter's first few letters describing how it took time to earn trust first.  I believe that that will also be a key in whatever we will do.  Our schedule with work and especially family has not slowed down, in fact, it is actually more hectic this summer and we don't know just how our mission will affect it.  But it is something that we have wanted for a long time, but could not see how it could be.  But apparently "He"  is able to work wonders and now here it is, and I will have a companion of my dreams (and my future)!  It is hard to understand, let alone, explain all that I am feeling right  now.  But it is all good, in fact, better then I can fully grasp.  May each of you find that for you in whatever you are doing, and never forget that most important thing in the world for you to know!

I was surprised to find out that it has been 10 days since my last entry.  I have no good reason and no good excuse.  I just didn't do it.  Now it is new week and a new month (July 1st) and I feel badly that I have been such a slacker.  I was also inspired by the fact that both Shelli and Cicily had finally written something, but for me it is actually painful in a physical way.  My left wrist is really sore.  This time I do know what happened, but I am surprised that simply gathering groceries from the trunk and carrying them into the house would damage me and result in such pain.  I did my push ups Saturday night and again Sunday morning, but not last night or this morning when I would have done 67.  Instead I am wondering if I will even be able to do much work.Some of the letters that I am typing or more painful then others and I worry about the simple work tasks that are routine, but now will cause me pain.  I didn't put on shoes this morning to avoid hurting so I am in my slippers.  I tried to rest my wrist yesterday, but it wasn't really much better when I got up this morning.  I'll just do what I can and hope that it will get better.  I am anxious to have Sheila come in from her early morning yard work so I can have her see those blogs and the stuff on Facebook (Sharon posted some pictures there).  We also need to talk about this new week and month.  And then I will settle in and see what I can do and how much it will cost me (in wrist pain, that is!)  I do have several reading projects I can fall back on to help me feel productive as I try to heal my injury,  but even that isn't pain free. 

I do this because there is this urge inside me that has been there a long, long time.  Yesterday I was going through some files and piles of my stuff and I came across the out line of a book I started years ago.  I know that this blog also has the beginning of 'books' in a few places long past.  I thought about my desire to write so as to leave something for my 'posterity' and then it hit me.  I have done that.  I only need to turn stage left to see the book shelf in my office to see numerous volumes of books that I have written including some that we have given to each of you in certain years.  I wonder if you still have them.  I wonder if you use them.  I wonder if you ever think about them.  Part of that 'urge' is based upon commandment and promise about writing journals and family histories.  In that rummaging through stuff yesterday I also found a copy of Newel Knight's journals.  He is a grand father (great....)  of mine and I enjoyed reviewing his life and the part he played in early church history.  I hope that I don't have to wait 4 or 5 generations before my journals are 'discovered'.  The reason that I have organized them in that bookshelf in my office is to make them accessible to you.  Now you know, and are therefore accountable!   Even those 2 short thoughts I wrote yesterday are big to me.  I wonder if they can be to you.  It caused me to do that 'rummaging' in order to collect several of those from years past with the idea of putting them together into another 'book' that I would give to you.  I wonder if it would have any value as all of the other stuff that I have written does (?).  Anyway, it is my itch and my scratch.  Where it goes from there I cannot control.  I can only keep on and hope that there will be benefit to our posterity at some point in time now or in the future.

Two of my most recent lessons:

 Giving service-doing good-reaching out to others is usually hidden in the normal-the routine-the regular demands of living our life, and often goes unnoticed-unrecognized and unacknowledged.  And that is how it should be.  'Charity' seeks to change our nature, not boost our ego.

Perhaps my most important personal and individual commandment from my Father in Heaven is:  Don't waste OUR time!

My new life has begun, or at least a new stage in my regular life.  And it began with a sort of a birth.  (That's the way I am describing that moment when after  much 'labor' I emerged from that 'womb-like' truck which took us hours to unload.  My preference was to have all of the others do the lifting (heavy and light) while I stood around supervising.  But there were no 'others' until Richard got there for the last few 'contractions'.  About that time I was pretty  much expended and besides, my game was on.  I think that I had actually worked hard (for me) and although I do feel some stiffness, mostly I feel great physically.  Mentally I feel overwhelmed, but I am receiving some instruction on that and it seems an opportunity to learn as much as a challenge to understand.  This morning I was up earlier and was out of the shower when Sheila's alarm went off.  Haven't quite grasped this whole new 'house full', but it seems to be an interesting opportunity.  Yesterday we met our newest grandson and were happy to see his family again.  I will have to get used to a lot of things besides a stuffed garage with this new routine, but I also see much to be happy about (not that a stuffed garage is a bad thing).  It seems like a 'settling in ' week for all of us what with Shauni and Jeff getting back from their cruise, Sharon's family getting back from San Diego and the rest of you settling in to your summer routines.  (and Sharolyn's mob with their new start in their lives).  I am a little surprised at myself as I actually feel excited about things right now.  Their are still lots of challenges, old and regular and new and expensive.  But it is all good.  And yes, Shelli, I will just keep on taking it on one day at a time.

So, here I am.  It's Tuesday morning and my mind is muddled.  I usually am better at looking at my day and forming a plan, but right now I am buzzing over with thoughts and ideas and I haven['t yet been able to see a clear day before me.  Maybe it is because there are just too many unknowns.  We don't know when Sharolyn and family will get her (which arrival will come with great impact).  I'm not really clear as to how much work I have because last night we were 'out' until late and I only glanced at the stuff Richard brought in.  Sheila also has some questions as to just what her day will be.  So, I am just moving slowly knowing that it will all fall into place, but I'm not sure just what that 'place' will look like.  Yesterday while the 'Weaver kids' were here Jonah  took a dive into a table and cut open his forehead.  There was the usual amount of panic and pretty soon Cicily got here from her job and Robert had called his friend, Jeremy, who works in a hospital and they and the rest of us examined and consulted (my opinion was measured and I said that he would get by without stitches) and the patched him up and things went back to  normal.  He seemed to do better as the day went on and got back to being himself.  We do want to hear more info today to see that he is still doing okay and is getting even better.  In fact, we hope to hear from lots of you today, what with trips concluding and info about the future needing to be gathered; there is just a lot that we need to know about what is and will be going on.  So, tonight when the day is over I do expect I will see things much differently because so much will be revealed and accomplished.

If this journal is meant to be a daily dairy I am doing a lousy job.  It seems that life seems to take precedent over the recording of said life.  I just get caught up in it and then when I sit down to try and record it I do it in a kind of short-hand way and I never quite do it justice, and I have so much ground to cover that that makes it so much harder on myself. But I don't write it for me, and usually feel like it isn't read by anyone anyway, but I am compelled to try even though I am quite disappointed in the result.  Besides, I don't use any pictures like Shelli and Cicily do and others do on Facebook.  I started down here by reading Shelli's entry which she 'finally' got around to posting.  I 'can't wait' for Sheila to finish her new summer morning routine so I can have her see it.  It makes me happy to see that our 'kids' and their 'kids' are enjoying life too.  Without any real pictures I will try to show that we have enjoyed our time these last several days too.  Saturday was a day off, but we had Robert here working for his mom.  He even tended so we could be out on our own and we went to lunch at Zupa's (we had gone to the Golden Corral on Friday night).  Then we stopped at Deseret Book and got 2 new books for me and 1 for Sheila.  Robert and family stayed overnight (after movie night for Robert, Cicily, Shelli and Phil) and Robert fixed breakfast for us before we went off to church, then they went on to their own church and we had the rest of the Sunday to ourselves.  Sheila' 'exotic' surprise for my dinner  turned into crab legs and corn on the cob and watermelon (a Father's Day delight, indeed!!).  Richard and Kathy dropped by for a few moments later on and after our show ended it was time to call it a day ( a delightful day at that).  Right now we have family driving from back East to here (tomorrow sometime) Family out West driving back tomorrow sometime and all busy doing what they need to be doing.  Me, I'm just trying to meet each day as it comes and figure out how to do it right.  For the first time in a few weeks I have more 'work' work to do then I can finish in one day.  Plus all of the other stuff that I have taken on as projects (including those 2 new books that I have barely started).  But one thing is priority for me.  I accomplished it most the last several days and I intend it for today and each new one coming.  It is spending time with my wife, and as we live our days together (sometimes her outside and me inside) (sometimes her 'there' and me 'here') it  makes everything else so much better.  (pretty soon she'll be 'here' to start her exercises, but first she'll sit here to read 'Shelli', me and we'll watch a few mission call openings) Then we'll keep on just 'doing our days' always together whether in the same place or not!

It's later then normal.  I actually got up earlier, but I've had some pressing tasks that I have now completed here in my office and out to gas the car and deliver a billing to Cullimore's office so I  can get paid today.  Now I need to settle down to my other work which I figure to take a couple of hours.  It is beginning to sink in that things are looking to change drastically in the next few days.  We are expecting David to be here tonight and then fly out in the morning and then long about Tuesday (possibly even Monday or Wednesday) the rest of that family will be here.  Not exactly sure for how long, but just having them right here for some weeks will be a nice change and an opportunity that I am looking forward to.  I will get to meet my grandson for the first time and I have missed those girls not being around.  Enjoyed last night with Sharon's family for the ordination and the birthday. (and the food!)  It made for quite a long day and just being here all day working and thinking and studying will be a good change of pace and hopefully an opportunity to bounce back to my usual energetic, old self.  I have so much study material that I have printed off sitting right here next to me that just thinking about what I want to think about makes me tired all over again.  Its a good thing that I work only 13 commuting steps away so I do have time to devote to my hobby of learning, which I am a little surprised to find means so much to me.  I am still trying to figure 'it' all out.  So much to try and learn and still only 24 hours in our day and so much else that needs our attention.  I am glad that I am older and over all of that stuff that is important to you, but frivolous to me.  I am in a whole different stage of my life.  It is as challenging to me as your stage is to you, but I really think that it is more fun.  You are entitled to disagree with me if you want, but you may change your mind when you get 'here' too.

I haven't decided if I see less 'wow' in this stage of my life because I am old and jaded or more 'wow' because I am wiser and more perceptive.  No matter.  I was 'wow'ed last night and I am going to tell you why.  Last Monday Sheila, being 'out of work' decided to accept the invitation to attend an additional Relief Society meeting just for 'old ladies' with nothing better to do. (My description, not her's.)  There was poetry and learning how to play a ukelali (sic).  Then yesterday she gets a call reminding her that she was supposed to write a poem and turn it in.  She is undecided and not confident that she can do it.  I'm unaware.  Well last night during winding down before bed time she comes in the bed room and asks me if I want to read her poem.  Wow!  I share it with you:

                                    His smiling eyes are watching closely.

                                    My fearful, tentative hands moving slowly.

                                    "Signing" 'shoes, where?'

                                    'blue train',  'treat', 'car',  'helicopter'.

                                    Grandma and Colton having fun with their chatter.

 

I guess that I am used to what life is.  I understand what is required and for what results.  So my life has become much more a 'choose and realize' kind of thing.  I know that when I am 'diligent' I feel the positive rewards, and when I slack I feel those results too.  I pretty much 'get what I pay for'.  But I know that there is also something more to 'it'.  Often we don't really get 'what we pay for' because we do get blessings beyond our 'wages' and are saved from some 'paybacks' in ways that we don't quite understand, but call 'blessings' when we understand a little.  I have, however, arrived at a point in my life where I am aware that I pretty much control my results by choosing the way that I do.  I know what to expect. And yet, I still settle for less so often that I wonder about my smarts and why I do what I do.  I am able to blame some of it on my age, both good and bad:  I am older and therefore I am wiser and do often choose better, but I am older and feel effects that tend to make me less energetic to choose what I know will be for good.  In other words I sometimes feel just too tired to do what I ought to do.  So I have learned something of using my mind more and better because I don't seem to get too tired to think and actually find it a most rewarding exercise.  But thinking can only do so much.  There is much that I simply have to 'do', fatigue or not.  That is an area that I am trying to improve in.  So here I am near the beginning of a new day of opportunity.  Already done with a number of tasks, but with most of my day ahead of me I am actually excited to see if I can do it well.  I know that my day will be just how I choose it to be.

The weekend has come and gone.  It was good, and it had some down moments.  The best part was the feeling I had when I thought about or we talked about that dirty dash that several of our kin (all female) participated in.  We did see the two pictures on Facebook and got to talk some with Cicily about it.  Sheila did talk to Sherri and Shelli on the phone, but I want to see more pictures and hear  more about it from them.  Sheila and I were really happy about how much fun they had.  While they were there Robert was here working with his mother to help her get some rooms cleaned out and organized for Sharolyn's gang in about a week.  He didn't ask much of me because he said that I was 'too fragile' but Sheila talked me into actually getting rid of some stuff that she said that I was 'hoarding'.  Our Sunday was good and quiet, but quite filled up with serious pondering along with some time together watching a 'good for Sunday' show on tv.  Sheila decided to start her new routine at 6:30 this morning and is now outside pulling weeds.  I am into really trying to figure me out as to where I am n my life paying attention to my level of faith and realizing that there is so much more for me to learn about everything, but right now: humility and diligence.  It is a really weird time for me.  What I want and what I need are battling out inside of  me.  And I admit that that creates lots of confusion for me.  Not that I don't know what to do, I just don't know what to do!  Anyway, with everything going on there is lots of neat things happening and I am enjoying life so much.  Its just that it does bring a lot of 'stuff' with it.  Choices, choices choices!

Right now I feel like I am retired, or at least on vacation.  Since last Saturday our lives have been one big party time.  Saturday was that special day in Manti which included lunch.  Sunday was our FHE which included dinner.  Monday night we were invited to the Desert Star Playhouse which included dinner, and on Tuesday it was Bryant's birthday which included dinner.  For some unknown reason I invited my wife our on Wednesday night for dinner (what was I thinking?)  And yesterday, (Thursday) we were invited to the graduation ceremony for Linzi and Colton, which we found out later on included dinner (at the Rodizio Grill, no less!).  Sheila did mention that tomorrow (today) was our regular date night (which includes dinner), but I am not yet convinced that I can handle it.  I need to relax and go back to work first so I can get my strength back in order to be up for whatever we decide to do.  I slept in until around 6:30 and Sheila is still sleeping as it is her first day of vacation from work so this Friday has not yet been planned.  At least we did met our need for protein yesterday!  And no, Zach did not have to eat snake or zebra, but he did like the Swordfish. I don't figure my life will change much, but for Colton and Linzi, well, it is that time when your life rolls our in front of you.  My 'roll' is long behind me, but still some left ahead, and I am just as excited for that portion of mine as they are for their's. 

I'm in my office earlier then usual. While we were getting dressed I asked Sheila about what we would do starting tomorrow when she doesn't have to set the alarm for 6 to get up to go to work.  Funny how routines are imposed on us due to certain circumstances.  I have actually felt pretty good about my morning routine, but I know me. I have never described myself as much of a  morning person.  One of my new challenges is how to deal with the fact that my light fixture in my office died yesterday.  It has been a problem, but when we got back from Bear Lake (last year!) it had fixed itself and I kept it on all of the time because I didn't trust it to come back on if I turned it off.  Well, yesterday morning it 'fizzed' and died.  I was able to coax a 2nd desk lamp into light with a new bulb and I put a call in to 'my' electrician.  But I'll just do what I can until it can be replaced or fixed or whatever.  (Yes, there is always something!)  I guess that you are all pretty busy right now.  There are 2 grand kids graduating from their high school today.  And soon a move 'back home' for some.  All kinds of travel plans during the next couple of months, and birthdays all over the calendar.  And like I stared out, these two oldsters have a change ourselves.  It makes me examine things and I notice that other things have or will change too.  We have a bit of envy for friends that we know who are on missions or retired or seem to be living easy.  But we really like where we are.  The challenges are the same:  some easier and some harder, but still pretty much what all of you are facing.  We don't spend much time wishing because our reality takes up all of our time.  But it sure could be  lot worse.  The best part of it is that we are together. 

By the time I get into my office I figure that I have accomplished several tasks to get my day off to a good start.  I do wake up when Sheila's alarm goes off at 6, but I don't necessarily get up then.  (Tomorrow is her last day of work for the school year and I really don't know how that will change our routine.)  I try to exercise my 'little grey cells' by reviewing my thoughts and insights from my  night of study, and find a thought or a theme or some kind of an inspiration to carry into my day.  Then I get up and read my chapter.  This morning it was Alma 1.  (I also reviewed a page from the next priesthood lesson for next week that I read yesterday that was on my mind from my 'review'.  I find that Pres. Snow's teachings to be quite terrific and worthy of much consideration and I do feel a connection to him and his sister, Eliza, seeing as how we have been in their home where they grew up back in Ohio.)  I do my blood test and then I do my push ups (66 now) and this morning I showered and dressed.  Before I leave my room I do have the privilege of my kneeling prayer, and then it is time to face the world and 'commute' to my work.  From there my work days do have a lot in common, but they are always different in some way. ( As yours are.)   Today should prove to be less hectic then yesterday was or tomorrow will be.  So we, two, need to take advantage of what is offered and recoup a bit. Still do have lots more on my plate then I can handle, so I just live each moment as it come and do what I can.  I have my 'reminder ring on my reminder finger' to remind me that I need to test my blood pressure today.  I have let that slide for way to long.  My doctor thinks it is important, so I need to get some testing recorded for him.  Me, I am not worried about it, but then he is the doctor.  (5th of June already!  can't hardly believe it!)

I'm figuring to get back on track today.  I have work enough to do 'ere the sun goes down' and I  hope to get into this work mode and keep it going most of the day.  It's not that yesterday was wasted.  I was able to be active and I tried to use my free time in my studies and to do some very hard pondering.  And I feel good about that.  But I was operating on a lesser energy level and I ended up leaving some tasks undone that I should have addressed.  You have heard that old idea about giving the important tasks to the busy person.  I know that there is something to that.  I see it as being able to get into that high energy work mode, kind of like 'the zone' in a sports metaphor or 'in the groove' or any other ways to describe it.  My Monday was okay, but I never reached 'it'.  Today I plan to get 'there' and maintain it long enough to get the jobs done.  Obviously I need conditions outside of myself to almost force that on me as I am not yet 'there' on my own.  But I am working on that too.  One of my specific challenges is learning how to discipline my attitude which leads to more skill in the discipline of my actions.  Always something more to learn, isn't there? At least I 'know'.  Its the 'do' part that still challenges me. I wonder if there is a scriptural description of that concept.  I'll have to give that some thought.  Any ideas?  I'm sure that there is and it will come to me.  I believe that getting into that zone makes everything else better, even personal inspiration.  Its a neat thing when you can find it.  I hope to be able to do that today.

Ah, Monday morning.  So many emotions.  Such confusion.  And it is more-so coming off a super weekend like we just lived.  If it could only just be like that all week.  But it is not, and I must change my frame of mind to deal with the reality of Monday.  I have been trying to avoid Monday coming, but you know that that can't be done. So it is here and so am I.  'sigh!!!'  However, the quality of my Saturday and Sunday soften the edge of the reality of Monday.  Our experience at the Manti temple Saturday was absolutely wonderful.  And the FHE on Sunday continued the euphoria.  And I know that we have another event tonight in the same vein, so I know that I will make it through even if just on memories.  Perhaps it is a good thing that right now (today, so far) my work is a little slow because I have so much else going on in my head and in my life that I feel overwhelmed.  Some of it is deeply personal and most of it is family with a little anxiety over work thrown in.  Wondering and not really knowing takes a toll when amped up to a high level.  And I put such pressure on myself to figure it all out.  Guessing at everything that is current is bad enough and then you add trying to guess things in the future and it becomes quite a conundrum.  How can I do it all?  Why must I try to do it all? 

If I exercise my memory muscle I can barely remember the days when I was a struggling student.  Yes, I did go to school, and no, it wasn't really much different from what our grand kids are facing today.  I made it through elementary, junior and senior high school, and then I took 5 years (minus two years for my mission) to become a graduate of BYU (and I have my diploma to prove it!).  There were times when I performed well, and times when I just made it through to make it through.  This morning I was deep in learning and felt like I have become a better student at this stage of my life then I was at any time during  my 'formal' student days.  You might say that that is all I have now that I am old and you might be right.  But learning is not only really important to me now, it is actually very, very edifying.  I can even say that it is really fun.  My subject lessons vary from day to day, but I believe that my 'tutor' is active in the lesson plans, and that they are designed just for me.  I also feel a bit of an urgency to learn what I am learning.  Like I am in the final semesters of my graduate work and that I need to finish my 'doctorate studies'.  It is really neat to be able to draw from so many years of experience and scripture study that comes together when I am considering the  new ideas that come to me.  I see that magnificent tapestry of truths that are so well connected.  There is such a unity and consistency of all that is good and right.  There is still much that I do not understand.  But I am able to come up with good questions and after much, much work at study and prayer and serious pondering I have been able to learn so much.  Right now most of you are just looking forward to getting out of the learning game and in to life.  But don't think that it ever really ends.  But it sure does get better.